it's personal discussion

It's been a while. I don't know if i'm doing this right. All these journals with quotey titles, i decided to do that, too. It's like a motivational pun, i guess. I don't remember how to do the different fonts, though.

I may change the title later, if possible.

I may not post here much. I'm not sure.

I feel like i have nothing to say. I know that's not true, though.

Hi Artsy. You're here. :)

The high school graduation ceremony was today. I watched the video and cried. Many of them graduated with honors, some with college credit, and a few were juniors who graduated early. A couple of them used to be my friends.

I feel guilty for feeling sad and bitter. I should feel happy for them, and i do, but my jealousy is overwhelming. I wish i had done things differently, but i can't.

I'm getting my GED, which is fine. But its different. I wanted to have that moment that my former classmates got. Maybe i'm overreacting. I don't know.

🎓🎓🎓🎓🎓🎓🎓🎓

Good for them.

🎓🎓🎓🎓🎓🎓🎓🎓

I did nothing.
I didn't do everything i could.
I wasted every second.
I stayed inside and saw nothing and no one.
I've done nothing.
I didn't live.
I wallowed in my pain and cried alone in silence.
I've cried in public before. Its pathetic and embarrassing.
I'm not sure which is sadder: crying alone or in front of others.
I'm pathetic.

It's stupid to have regrets. Its not like you can really do anything about them. You can't go back. You just can't. You can only move forward. I can change my present and my future. I can't change my past. No matter how much i wish i could.
But maybe i'm just misunderstanding the definition of regret. Or maybe not.

Regret-feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).

I definitely feel that. But i'm trying my hardest not to wallow in it. Feeling this way doesnt help me. It just holds me back.
I'm stuck in the past, while everyone else is moving on without me.

I feel like every goal or dream i've ever had is completely out of reach.

Hey I'm your age~

Getting back into things after they've all but crushed you is much harder and so much more impressive than just sticking/bearing with them. This is my small story of me, I don't know if it'll help but in the case that it might, I thought I should tell it~

Gritting your teeth to finish school, not improving yourself, and not getting any better as a person/student in all that time is easy. Graduating is easy. I'm still just as lonely and lost as I was through all of high school. Graduating is just something that happens that some people claim is an accomplishment when they know it isn't, it's superficial, the usual/mundane turn of things, and doesn't define who you are.

Dropping out or leaving to take online school, then returning to school--that's so much harder. And you are a determined ambitious person, you're going to uni. You know yourself far better than most of the people who just stayed in school for the convenience. I definitely think you're going to be brilliant at uni because you know what you want, because you're self reflective and understand things on a deeper level beyond the current moment.

I admire you so much because of your wisdom. Be kind to yourself, you've done so much more than you think, I couldn't have done it <3

PS I love you're cake pun ^.^ You seem really bright and thoughtful~

deep. So deep.

so deep it hurts cause i know how it feels.

Delphinia (Dhamma ✿) wrote: "Hey I'm your age~

Getting back into things after they've all but crushed you is much harder and so much more impressive than just sticking/bearing with them. This is my small story of me, I don't ..."

Thank you so much. I hope youre right. I hope i'll do well in college. I hope i'll improve myself. You are very kind.

You will! And even if it gets disappointing--a lot of my A+ friends from hs started getting Ds at college--what says the most about you is how you get through that. And I can see you're wise and ambitious so I can tell that you will pull through <3 I'm starting uni at the same time as you so we'll be going through the same thing! As a lazy procrasinator I'm gonna be lost honestly, but I got into a uni I liked, so I'll die before I give up xD
Message me if you need anything at all~

Congratulations on getting into the university you liked. I'm going to a local community college for the first year, then transfering after. So i dont know if i could even get into any of the universities i'm thinkin of.
I hope you do well. And like you said to me, you can message me if you ever need anything as well.

Thanks! And that sounds like a smart move, a lot of my friends have done that to save money or get done w basic classes. And I just went through the long process of applying to a bunch of colleges. If you need help I'm here, it's not what you think usually, and you'll find that you're a lot more qualified than you think. Applying is a strange thing~ And there are some things, like Early Decision, that help your chances tremendously

Wow. Uni. New start, new life.

- ̗̀ le trouble ̖́- wrote: "Wow. Uni. New start, new life."

I certainly hope it is.

It will be.

Delphinia (Dhamma ✿) wrote: "Thanks! And that sounds like a smart move, a lot of my friends have done that to save money or get done w basic classes. And I just went through the long process of applying to a bunch of colleges...."

I actually couldnt get into a 4 year college with the few credits i have(kind of a long story), and i havent taken the sat/act, so i'm going to a community college for a year first. It wasnt really a decision. But it iswhat it is.

All my friends who went to community college before a 4 year have said they loved it, with the supportive teachers and students that like to help each other ^.^ I wish you the bestest <3

Delphinia (Dhamma ✿) wrote: "All my friends who went to community college before a 4 year have said they loved it, with the supportive teachers and students that like to help each other ^.^ I wish you the bestest <3"
sorry for gatecrashing, Artsy.
(view spoiler)[why is there always always always a heart, Dhamma?
jeez. (view spoiler)[i'm not complaining tho. (view spoiler)[i love spoilers, sorry./spoiler> (hide spoiler)] (hide spoiler)] (hide spoiler)]

So that everyone feels loved ^.^

Delphinia (Dhamma ✿) wrote: "So that everyone feels loved ^.^"

We all appreciate it. :)

Artsy wrote: "Delphinia (Dhamma ✿) wrote: "So that everyone feels loved ^.^"

We all appreciate it. :)"

I'd LOVE to contradict. But it's true.

I feel a bit better now. Sitting at a fire outside with my family. Hearing the train go by. The neighbors having their own fire as well. Its nice.

Aww that so sweet <3 Your family sounds fun ^.^

I mean, theyre usually a pain in my side but they have their moments. My moms playing country music on her phone and my sisters tending to the fire. I'm just chillin.

Now my sister's playin with a stick(she was playin with the fire). And moms tendin to the fire.

Apparently everyones havin a fire tonight. Us, the neighbors, People around the corner(who we're kind of friends with).

We're going for a walk to take pictures of the moon. A "strawberry" moon, i think its called tonight. And the stars are always pretty.

Inside now. Took my shoes off. Laying on the couch. Bored.

Strawberry moon? Never heard them be called that. That's adorable ^.^

Apparently it was actually last night and we missed it. Its when the moon is visually 14% smaller than usual, like the opposite of a supermoon. I think, anyway.

The moon still looked beautiful tonight, though. It was a nice night. Not hot or cold. No clouds(although i love clouds). Stars were out. It was a nice little night walk. So, still pretty cool.

oh. I thought the moon would be pink or red.

- ̗̀ le trouble ̖́- wrote: "oh. I thought the moon would be pink or red."

Yeah thats what i thought too. I dont think it was though. I could be wrong.

Although i do think there is some sort of thing where the moon looks red or pink or orange or something. I guess its just not the strawberry moon. Again, i could be wrong.

Yeah, it's called a Blood Moon when it turns red. and it means something with the Christians.

Apparently, it can look a bit pink when its closer to the horizon, and it is sometimes referred to as a "rose moon".

But it happens only in a total lunar eclipse.

- ̗̀ le trouble ̖́- wrote: "Yeah, it's called a Blood Moon when it turns red. and it means something with the Christians."

Yeah, ive heard of that but i have no idea of its signficance to christianity.

it's a prophecy. In the Revelation chapter of the Christian Bible. It means that the apocalypse is coming.

Weird.

Ikr. But it's what they believe. And the Jews too.

Even the Muslims ( i think since they all have the same God)

Yeah, theyre all Abrahamic religions.

Kind of a personal question, i guess, but whats your religion(if you have one)? You dont have to answer if you dont want to.

it's ok :) i'm a Christian. A Roman Catholic. tho i'm not really umm... that um... religious.

Yeah, i was raised christian. I'm not really sure what i believe anymore.

PREACH. I mean, yeah, same. My mom is a REALLY REALLY religious person tho. My dad? Idk he left so im not that updated with his life.

My mom was raised catholic but left catholicism. Still christian, though. Just not catholic. My father is a born and raised christian. He's not in my life, so i don't know much about his beliefs, really.

Oh. So it's just you and your sisters and your mom. Same, dude. My dad left like *poof* and *boom* all of a sudden it's just mom and I.

No brothers or sisters?

Nope. Half-siblings tho, I have several of 'em. All from my dad's side. (Yes it's ok to say my dad's a...)