Support for Indie Authors discussion

Any comments on this blurb? Out of 10, with 10 being the highest, who would you rate it...feel free to comment on anything else about it. Thx in advance for your comments.

BLURB
Parents send their daughters to this Jamaican prestigious all-girls boarding school to become ladies: some girls allow their raging hormones to turn them into renegades. It's Zoe the goddess leader of the posse versus Nola and the prudes.

You might want to post this in the blurb workshop folder.

I have to give it a three, Garfield. I do like short blurbs, but this may be too short. I'm not getting a sense of story here, just images of girls running amuck creating havoc or having massive orgies. Is it erotica? That would be my guess. You misspelled "turn".

Dwayne wrote: "You might want to post this in the blurb workshop folder.

I have to give it a three, Garfield. I do like short blurbs, but this may be too short. I'm not getting a sense of story here, just images..."

Thx a lot....its not erotic but a little rude. You raised an important point that the blurb is short....I was trying to avoid the blurb running away and being way too long.

I would have to agree with Dwayne, except I prefer longer blurbs. There's certainly not much info here to go on to decide to pick it up. Where is this boarding school? Why is it prestigious? Renegades from what? What kinds of girls are they before they go to the school?
I like to write longer blurbs and then pare them down to get rid of unnecessary fluff.

Nathan wrote: "I would have to agree with Dwayne, except I prefer longer blurbs. There's certainly not much info here to go on to decide to pick it up. Where is this boarding school? Why is it prestigious? Renega..."

Great...thx

Short blurbs can be good, but this needs a little more to attract readers. It smacks me in the face at the moment. I can see why that might work for this type of book though.

Who are your target market?

Appreciate you wanting to keep it short, but I'm left wondering: what's the story actually about?

Anna Faversham wrote: "Short blurbs can be good, but this needs a little more to attract readers. It smacks me in the face at the moment. I can see why that might work for this type of book though.

Who are your target m..."

Teenagers upwards. Thx

Roughseasinthemed wrote: "Appreciate you wanting to keep it short, but I'm left wondering: what's the story actually about?"

Something to think about...thx

Roughseas is right. When you rework the blurb, focus on the main plot and one or two main characters. Readers will want to know there is a story in the book.

Just off the top I'd say it's about the well-behaved girls versus the not-so-well-behaved, but I agree, I need to know more. Also, I'm more into longer blurbs these days. If I already know I'm going to read/buy the book then short is fine, but otherwise I want to know what the story is about. In this case, if it is the two groups in opposition, I need to know something more to interest me in their competition.
In the case of Zoe, does she like to knit socks or something? And Nola, is she tattooed with dragons? Rather than telling me one is a prude the other a goddess. :)

M.L. Roberts wrote: "Just off the top I'd say it's about the well-behaved girls versus the not-so-well-behaved, but I agree, I need to know more. Also, I'm more into longer blurbs these days. If I already know I'm goin..."

Ha ha...thx for your feedback, I will look into that but I am still skewed towards a short blurb just to pick at one's curiosity, thats why reading a book will allow the reader to see what its all about, assuming the blurb teases their curiosity.

My feedback is a different angle. I keep reading "Parents send their daughters to this prestigious all-girls boarding school to become ladies: some allow their raging hormones to turn them into renegades" and thinking the some refers to parents. Then I'm confused whom "their" refers to.

After a second, I guess the phrase after the : is about the girls, but I had to reread it. See if some rewording can keep your readers from having to reread the blurb, short as it is.

There are many questions that come up when I read this. Some can be answered (and should), and some just show my confusion. Ideally, the questions raised from a blurb ought to point to interest and curiosity, but I'm too lost to reach that point yet.

FYI, it's "pique interest" not "peak interest."

(The girls at the school are renegades, or the ones not at the school are renegades? Why mention parents at all? What does the school have to do with raging hormones? Why would prudes care what the non-prudes are doing? How does this affect an atmosphere of an all-girls' school, unless the "raging hormone" girls are all lesbian?)

Denae wrote: "My feedback is a different angle. I keep reading "Parents send their daughters to this prestigious all-girls boarding school to become ladies: some allow their raging hormones to turn them into ren..."

I dont want to be rude but how could the "some" refer to the parents? Your response seems like you are mocking me. A blurb is not supposed to answer everything about a book, if that was so then no one would read it,

It’s a good blurb, very concise, and the use of everyday terms instead of convoluted jargon is a welcomed change. Here’s a few things, however, that could potentially help improve the saleability of your book.

Firstly, above the blurb, I would add the name of the school as an introductory phrase. This helps readers immediately connect with the world of the story.

Secondly, here is an issue that arises in the second clause: “some allow their raging hormones to turn them into renegades”. The way the blurb is written, it sounds like the parents, as opposed to the daughters, are turning into renegades. This is because “Parents” is the subject of the first clause, which then carries over into the second. A quick solution would be to change the first clause to something like this: “Daughters are sent to this prestigious, all-girls boarding school to become ladies.”

The last sentence of the blurb also has no meaning, as I have no sense of who Zoe and Nola are. There is also no information about the posse or the prudes. A little bit of brief exposition about the powers at play would go a long way toward helping your reader become immediately invested in the story. You need to hook the reader with veritable and salubrious detail; give them a reason to connect with (or hate) your characters.

I hope this helps you!

Crystal Dawn wrote: "It’s a good blurb, very concise, and the use of everyday terms instead of convoluted jargon is a welcomed change. Here’s a few things, however, that could potentially help improve the saleability o..."

This really helps...great suggestions/advice

Garfield wrote: "This really helps...great suggestions/advice"

You're welcome, I'm always happy to help an indie author. Please let me know what you ultimately write for the blurb. Just send me a message in case I don't get the notification. I can't wait to see the finished project.

A good blurb often reads like the voiceover for the theatrical trailer. And as such we learn the problem, why the protagonist, alone can solve it, and the disaster that will come if it’s not solved.

But here, all I learn is that an unknown number of girls at a boarding school are becoming “renegades.” But you give no clue of what that is in terms of this story. And it can’t be all that serious if the school doesn’t notice and take action. All I can conclude that either they’re not acting “like ladies,” or that someone who named Zoe, who has godlike powers is somehow doing battle in some undefined way with people who are against whatever she’s doing. But who’s the protagonist? You don’t say. What are the issues, and why do they matter? No hint.

In short, it’s not a blurb, as a publisher/agent defines one. Queryshark is a very good site to get a feel for what a query is and how one is written.

Jay wrote: "A good blurb often reads like the voiceover for the theatrical trailer. And as such we learn the problem, why the protagonist, alone can solve it, and the disaster that will come if it’s not solved..."



Thanks Jay...I agree with most of what you said. In fact the first 5 lines in my opinion supports the fact that the blurb as it is being effective.
You are right some are not acting ladylike while others are well behaved.

I wanted it short as I see many times a blurb reads more like a synopsis. MY view is that a blurb should tease and pick at your curiosity. It cannot say everything.

There is however a difference between saying enough to get the reader interested in the what and why of the problem the story solves and saying so much we know *how* the problem is solved.

I don't remember if the word 'Jamaican' was there originally, but it tells me the setting is exotic, different feel, different rhythm of living. If it was there before, then I just missed it, read right past it, which can happen when a blurb is really short. Sometimes things need to be reinforced and in that case the 'read more' option can be utilized: short blurb, paragraph, 'read more.'

M.L. Roberts wrote: "I don't remember if the word 'Jamaican' was there originally, but it tells me the setting is exotic, different feel, different rhythm of living. If it was there before, then I just missed it, read ..."

You are correct the Jamaican was inserted after....thx