it's personal discussion

Sittin' in the dirt... Feelin' kinda hurt...




T H E B A S I C S _
/\Lauren/\
/\20/\
/\USA/\
/\she-her/\
/\gay | aro/\
/\does creative stuff sometimes/\
/\future EMT/\
/\advocate for freedom of speech/\
/\Christian and advocate for religious freedom/\
/\egalitarian/\

You can expect:
Basically a bipolar miasma where I complain about things but try to do good/see good/expect good because hey, we all gotta try.

Edit 4-14 '20- Comments are okay as I might transition to using this journal as my regular one and my original as an art thread.
Hit me up on my regular journal if you've got something to say ->
https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...



You're gonna carry that weight...

The Real Folk Blues is from Cowboy Bebop, which belongs to Shinichiro Watanabe.
Lyric belongs to The Rolling Stones, from the song Doom and Gloom.

Currently reading: Libriomancer by Jim C. Hines.
Currently watching: finishing up Kill la Kill.
Currently listening to: The Rolling Stones and The Clash, lately.

people (outsiders who I meet at stuff like concerts) always get so pissy when I discuss my family.
I'll be talking about my older brother, maybe it's a funny story and they laugh, and then I'll say something about my brother's brother, and then they say "Isn't that your brother, too?" and then I explain the VERY SIMPLE family dynamic of my half-brother having a half-brother and half-sister that aren't related to me, and they just drop off the intelligent plane.

People are always like "mention him as your half-brother, it's simpler."
... It's simply bullshit is what it is. He isn't half a person. Half-brother is a genetic specification, nothing more. He's my brother and that's what I call him. And that's why I call his brother and sister that; his brother and sister. They aren't siblings to me but they are to him.

And then there's always the (usually religious, but the two are not mutually exclusive) asshole that hears about half-siblings and starts getting upset about divorce.
Divorce is a thing that happens, cool it. My parents' marriage is a second one for both of them.

Quote from my brother's wedding last month:

Me: No, I'm not related to JB and C. They're my brother's half-siblings from his mom.
Friend: Oh, gotcha. Blended family.
Me: Like you out it through a weed wacker.

Trying real hard with this art thing lately and failing MISERABLY.
*sigh*
I'm trying to get donations to a Ko-fi account to use for school expenses when I (hopefully...) go to college next fall, and I've linked up my DeviantArt and Ko-fi accounts.
So far no one's biting.
Once pride month and the mountain of OC art and fanart I have planned out for it, I'm gonna start offering commissions.

Found out that a transferrable-when-symptomatic disease I've had since I was six is going to prevent me from being able to donate plasma, which I was counting on for some college tuition.
Yeah. That seems right.

~Get down Moses, part another sea~
~Get down Moses, carve another tablet out of LSD~

My body, my temple.
This temple, it tilts.

Fell asleep last night at about three thirty with ink and graphite marks on my hands. That's always nice.
I don't *love* what I came up with, but it's better than nothing.
You gotta work to improve.

So...
I thought getting a job in a small town would be easier. I thought I'd have family friends to count on, but for reasons that don't matter to anyone reading this journal, I've burned more bridges than I thought.
I started looking for a job in November of 2015, shortly after turning sixteen, and though I couldn't submit applications and go on interviews as often as I probably needed to due to my schoolwork struggling at the time, and I've had little luck.
I did a lot of odd work at the end of last year, which was good because I was working on my car and having it and out of the shop.
But I haven't been able to secure anything like that, and I haven't gotten callbacks on any of the applications I submitted to places where 'friends' were supposed to back me up and let me know how it went.
I'm going to be eighteen this November.
Something needs to happen.

I had to work hard to bring my grades up, but I'm worried it might've been for nothing.

~In this river, all shall fade to black~
~In this river, ain't no coming back~

This storm that's broken me, my only friend.

"It only loved me... For the hatred."

"May it be your light when all other lights go out."

"Rather than being the person hurting others, be the person who gets hurt."

"Are you here with me..?"

Current playlist-

Superheroes. -Edguy

Fullmoon, Paid In Full, Flag In The Ground, I Have A Right. -Sonata Arctica

Song #3, Tired, Made Of Scars, Come What(ever) May, Gone Sovereign, Absolute Zero. -Stone Sour

Blood, Rose Tattoo, Paying My Way. -Dropkick Murphys

Graveyard Deciples, In This River, Ain't No Sunshine. -Black Label Society

Carpe Diem Baby, The House That Jack Built, Now That We're Dead, St. Anger, One. -Metallica

Poison The Perish (full album). -Seether.
Holding Onto Strings Better Left To Fray (full album). -Seether

Got some art done this weekend, and I'm putting together comission info as we speak.
This might be okay :)

Necessary purchases: (when I have the money to spend on them)

-Prismacolor dual chisel/fine point markers. $19
Replacement for the set of eight brush tips I've had for 2+ years. They're a little pricier but they are worth it because they last forever. These are even better and will *hopefully* last even longer.

-Tombow brush tip portrait flesh tone markers. $15
I want a set of flesh tones for when I start drawing in college

-Platinum Micro-Line ink pens. $20
Just for regular drawings, my fanart, my OCs, stuff like that. Twenty bucks for a set of sixteen's not bad, if they're quality.

-Pilot Futayaku double-sided black/grey drawing pen. $5
I bought the one I have when I bought my Prismas. It's AMAZING and lasts for freaking ever.

-Some kind of actual drawing book. Price N/A
I use graph pads for everything and for most stuff I'm fine with them (can't beat eighty cents a pop either) but for serious works like the commissions I want to do in the future, I'd like to use actual drawing paper.

-Wacom tablet. Price N/A because this chick has tuition to worry about and FUCK a fancy drawing tablet when I have two hands that aren't broken.
*sigh* I can dream though...

So I sat down and psyched myself up to do this fanart I thought would be really hard. It's my favorite character from one of my favorite cartoons and I was excited to do it but also incredibly nervous because the show has a WAY different style than the one I draw in.
Originally I was gonna draw them in my style, but then I thought it would look worse, so I decided to draw them the best I could in the show's style.
It... Doesn't suck!
It's not as good as the art in the cartoon, sure, but for once I feel like trying to draw in a different style turned out okay.
*sigh*
I can sleep now.

It's 3 in the morning. I have ink and graphite on all my fingers. The last fanart for my showcase is finished.
I
am
exhausted.
It doesn't suck.
I want to sleep till i'm forty.

the abuse I've put my body through at this point is ridiculous. It hasn't been much from substance abuse, all things considered. The training regimens I start and stop constantly aren't good for me, not to mention the crazy shit I've done to lose weight, just to gain a decent amount of it back.

Worst factor was probably the choking. That can fuck with your eyes and your brain.
I quit two years ago but some stuff you can't reverse.
Then the alcohol. I was sober for over half a year and then POOF! so long to that.
Then the caffeine which, though healthy for you in reasonable doses, I've used WAYYYYY wrong.
Not even coffee and Dr Pepper. I used to chew Excedrin Migraines to be able to stay awake and work on my stories.

I feel fine, mostly. Some breathing shit I've had since birth that hits me sometimes, and sinus migraines. Nothing feels wrong with me. I'm vegetarian, (not for health though) I walk and work outside regularly because of odd jobs.
I just
I know I fucked myself over somewhere along the line. Don't know when it's gonna bit me but I feel like it will.

Then again I've also proven to be pretty paranoid.

Full disclosure- didn't quit eating Excedrin till I started junior year last August.
I still take one when I need to be sharp but just one, and only sometimes.

Just talking about all this because I had a panic attack the other night and it was pretty bad. Got my mom's attention. I haven't been able to talk about it but I feel as confident as I'm going to about it right now.
Just unsure of how to feel about symptoms from when my depression was bad coming back, like paranoia and nightmares.
I did something bad that was almost something worse and I thought I was PAST all this.

This storm that's broken me, my only friend.

Long story short I'm trying to write my own urban fantasy stories.
I'm doing character designs (subject the change, barring one or two things I want to stick to each character) as I write and it's been really helpful, actually. I could never quite figure out what my supernatural character looked like, but once I pulled together some details I had laid out in the story, he came together really easily. Now I can SEE him when I write and it's just...
I dunno, easy?
Same with the MC. Like, I had little details here and there like his hair and this tattoo that he has, but the actual character was just the jumble of nonsense. But then I drew him, and he just came alive to me.
The same for his sister and her girlfriend (who become mains after the first story). And his sister's girlfriend was especially hard because I felt like I'd left her really underdeveloped so far, but now that I can SEE her, her dialogue and attitudes come naturally.
Still working on his older brother, the older brother's friend, his parents, his love interest and the main villain, but they're coming to me easier with each one. They're all central to each story's plot, for now, so I want them all to be clear in my mind before I give one (or all) of them the short end of the stick.

working on the supernatural character and the main villain is tough because basing their mythology has been a little tiring.
I want parts of it to be real, and parts of it complete bullshit, like any good urban fantasy.
Jim Butcher, give me strength...

Anyway I want to work on that and maybe this next OC project I want to start before I go to sleep.

Maybe... Maybe finally try to get the older brother down on paper. I kinda hate him because he's hatable, but he's still MY character.

Things my characters do too much (I am quoting directly from a few of my documents here):

-quirk, raise or lift their eyebrow(s).
Funny how all my characters can lift one eyebrow while I cannot.

-ruffle, push, brush, blow, rub or shake their hair out of their faces.
This is why I'm now working harder on writing short-haired characters. It's not a frame of mind I know well, as I have not had anything that resembled 'short' hair since I was eleven, but I shall try.

-ball their hands into fists.
All my characters are violent and/or fidgety.
Kinda like...

-blink.
For real, that's my go-to for shock. They blink.

-glare, glance or look sidelong at people.
They actually DO have necks...

-get cut off.
They all interrupt each other.

*sigh*
Improvement. Always room for improvement.

I was awake till five-thirty this morning and it's past midnight now.
I need sleep, but I want to work on at least one drawing first. I drew all summer, i even managed a three-panel comic yesterday.
I'm starting school again and this HUGE ass English course on the 16th so i need to work on this stuff now.

~this storm that's broken me, my only friend~

Slept all weird last night, but no weird vivid dreams for once.
I've been having them all the time lately. Don't know why.

Going to work on a new OC drawing, read a bit, and go to sleep.

In this river, all shade fade to black.
In this river, ain't no coming back.
In this river, all shall fade... to... black.
... No coming back.

Aug. 26. '17-


-chores/work-
Wash/vacuum car
Do laundry.
Groceries.
Sew up black pants.

-school-
Start The Glass Castle.
Find DSM 1 and 5 somewhere to make notes from.
Study math guide.
Start In The Shadow Of Liberty for history.
Start Killer Book of Serial Killers for sociology.

-personal-misc-
Read IT.
Maybe read Scott Pilgrim And The Infinite Sadness.
Do Gorillaz/Gorillaz OC drawing.
Do Spider-Man/Marvel OC drawing.
Watch shows (JBA: Stardust Crusaders, Lupin The 3rd, Hunter X Hunter, Outlaw Star) on Toonami.

《Born
down
in
a
dead
man's
town 》

《First
kick
I
took
was
when
I
hit
the
ground 》

So I was able to walk around a college campus and then hang out with a family friend on Friday night and I somewhat managed to forget everything that's been driving me up the wall lately.
I liked the school, and in all reality, it's more affordable than where I want to go. And sitting here with no job and being almost eighteen with shitty grades, I need to start being more practical.

Keep the people of Texas in your hearts today.
The flood is bad and the hurricane isn't over yet.

Current playlist

Cold, Meet The Monster, Dot Your Eyes, Got Your Six, Hell To Pay, My Nemesis
-Five Finger Death Punch

The Road Back Home, The Last Goodbye, Somewhere Between Heaven And Hell
-Zakk Wylde

Queen Of Sorrow, In This River, Berserkers, Stillborn, Graveyard Diciples
-Black Label Society

《REMAINDER OF 2017 TDL-

-take senior year seriously, meaning actually study and maybe see a tutor (depending on funds).

-volunteer, preferrably in human services somehow to help in my social work career study.

-driver's ed.

-steady work by the new year, meaning a 'real job', not gravelling driveways, painting in windows or farmhanding, all of which I'll probably still do.

-put back as much money as possible.

-be patient with myself when it comes to art. Focus on improvement, not just 'drawing more'.

-1st tattoo (my 18th birthday is in November and it's my gift to myself).

-3rd piercing (undecided. Probably another ring in my left ear cartilege. Also 18th birthday gift to myself).

Shows to start in 2017-

Live action.

Riverdale.
-Watched one episode during finals time and never watched more. I'd like to finish season 1 before 2 starts in October.

Cartoons (western animation)..
Guardians Of The Galaxy.
Invader Zim.
-Watched half of IZ before my laptop tried to die. I want to finish the series before the movie comes out.
Ultimate Spider-Man.
Voltron: Legendary Defender.

Anime...
FLCL.
-Not gonna lie, I'll probably binge all 6 eps of this next weekend.
Tiger And Bunny.
Code Geass.
SAO II.

I fucking LOVED Archie and Jughead comics in grade school so I REALLY want to get into Riverdale. I loved the first episode. Live action TV just tires me.