Support for Indie Authors discussion

Could you fellow authors and readers give me your impression and thoughts/constructive criticism on this book blurb (back of book) for my memoir publishing soon.

"Immerse yourself in this mysterious journey of a young empath raised by an abusive mother suffering from a Cluster B personality disorder. Gifted with moments of clairaudience, clairsentience, and intuitive knowing, these paranormal occurrences assist her in escaping kidnapping and sex trafficking. This poignant true story really is stranger than fiction. Prophetic dreams and bizarre synchronicities carve this author’s world from a childhood wrought with abuse to a woman who finally finds her true self after many poor decisions and mishaps. At the mercy of numerous challenges, she finally embraces her gifts that she has hid from others, finding peace for herself and her relationships.
Tapping into Jungian thought and metaphysics, she transforms from victim to fully thriving human connected with God Source and living a divinely guided life. Experience how she harnesses the power of creative visualization and attracts synchronicity into her life in various situations from a private meeting with a major rock star to finding her soul mate.
Many will see pieces of their own lives in this writing which examines escaping unhealthy patterns of behavior and reclaiming their personal power. Showing the underlying psychology, this is a deeply intimate biography riveting with strange occurrences and insightful revelations. Enter into this heroine’s quest to finally conquer her codependency, lack of self worth and experience the best love of all. Her journey to enlightenment shows why we do the things we do and how to break free from powerlessness.
This book will leave you more intrigued than ever with dreams and synchronicity, and paying more attention to both. You will be appalled at times and then inspired at the next instant as you turn each page. An illuminating, transformative memoir that gives hope to all."

Thanks, Lyra

I am not sure if this is a blurb.

Garfield wrote: "I am not sure if this is a blurb."

Could you be more specific Garfield with your assessment?

I don't think I have ever read books in the memoir genre so what I will say might not be accurate for the genre.

I love the first sentence. It says a lot already about who we will follow. However, the next one has a dangling participle.

Gifted with moments of clairaudience, clairsentience, and intuitive knowing, these paranormal occurrences assist her in escaping kidnapping and sex trafficking.

The way you say it, it means that the paranormal occurences are gifted with these moments. That's definitely not what you mean. The second problem I see there, is IF you can put aside the dangling thing, it's still unclear who has the moments: the author or her mom.

I would scratch the second paragraph entirely. It feels as if you are repeating the first using other words. It makes it longer yet doesn't really add anything.

Now with your last paragraph… People don't usually like to be told what or how they will feel. Is it true in memoirs too?

How about saying the same thing without implying that someone WILL feel that way? Maybe something like this:

Appalling at times, yet inspiring at the next instant, this intriguing, transformative memoir radiates hope.

I am sure you can do better, but what I suggest here is to push the virtue of the story rather than tell people how they will feel. Does that make any sense?

Lyra wrote: "Garfield wrote: "I am not sure if this is a blurb."

Could you be more specific Garfield with your assessment?"

This part didnt seem like a blurb to me.

Many will see pieces of their own lives in this writing which examines escaping unhealthy patterns of behavior and reclaiming their personal power. Showing the underlying psychology, this is a deeply intimate biography riveting with strange occurrences and insightful revelations. Enter into this heroine’s quest to finally conquer her codependency, lack of self worth and experience the best love of all. Her journey to enlightenment shows why we do the things we do and how to break free from powerlessness.
This book will leave you more intrigued than ever with dreams and synchronicity, and paying more attention to both. You will be appalled at times and then inspired at the next instant as you turn each page. An illuminating, transformative memoir that gives hope to all."

G.G. wrote: "I don't think I have ever read books in the memoir genre so what I will say might not be accurate for the genre.

I love the first sentence. It says a lot already about who we will follow. However,..."

Thank you for pointing out the dangling in the second sentence. Yes, I see this and will need to do something different.

Still looking at other suggestions. This book will cross over to self-help/spirituality/psychology categories. So, yes, sometimes they want to know what they are going to get out of it. And, I hope they do!

I really appreciate these suggestions - I'll wait for more if I get them - then start revising

Garfield wrote: "Lyra wrote: "Garfield wrote: "I am not sure if this is a blurb."

Could you be more specific Garfield with your assessment?"

This part didnt seem like a blurb to me.

Many will see pieces of their..."

It's called the sales pitch - what they will get from reading the book. Perhaps that area needs to be rewritten with a more stealth approach. Overall, it needs to have a pitch in my opinion to tell a book reader why they would want to purchase it or not.

I have a revision based upon your suggestions. Thank you to each of you and let me know what you now think:

"Unafraid to bare her soul, dive into the story of Lyra, a young empath raised by an abusive mother suffering from a Cluster B personality disorder. This poignant true story really is stranger than fiction. Prophetic dreams and bizarre synchronicities carve this author’s world from a childhood wrought with abuse to a woman who finally finds her true self after many poor decisions and mishaps.

Gifted with moments of clairaudience, clairsentience, and intuitive knowing, Lyra’s paranormal occurrences assist her in escaping kidnapping and sex trafficking. At the mercy of numerous challenges, she finally embraces her gifts that she has hid from others, finding peace for herself and her relationships.

Tapping into Jungian thought and metaphysics, she transforms from victim to fully thriving and living a divinely guided life. Harnessing the power of creative visualization and intent, she attracts synchronicity into her life in various situations from a private meeting with a major rock star to finding her soul mate.

Enter this heroine’s quest loaded with strange occurrences as she conquers her codependency, lack of self worth and experiences the best love of all. Appalling at times, yet inspiring at the next instant, this transformative memoir radiates hope to escape unhealthy patterns of behavior and reclaim personal power. "

Much better

Thanks Garfield - I still believe I could tweak it a bit, but I do think it is better. Thank you for the fresh eyes on it! I find these promo or book blurbs harder to write than the book.

I agree....there is an art to it

Okay you two, please look this over. This may be final version with tweaks and trimming:

"Unafraid to bare her soul, enter the story of Lyra, a young empath raised by an abusive mother suffering from a Cluster B personality disorder. This poignant true story really is stranger than fiction. Prophetic dreams and bizarre synchronicities carve this author’s world from a childhood wrought with abuse to a woman who finally finds her true self after many poor decisions and mishaps.

Gifted with moments of clairaudience, clairsentience, and intuitive knowing, Lyra’s paranormal occurrences assist her in escaping kidnapping and sex trafficking. At the mercy of numerous challenges, she finally embraces her gifts that she has hid from others. Blending dreams and divine synchronicity, she finds peace through self-exploration.

Tapping into Jungian thought and metaphysics, she transforms from victim to fully thriving, living a divinely guided life. Enter this heroine’s heartfelt quest loaded with strange occurrences as she conquers her codependency, lack of self worth and experiences the best love of all. Appalling at times, yet inspiring at the next instant, this transformative, thought provoking memoir radiates hope to escape unhealthy patterns of behavior and reclaim personal power. "

There is a concept in movies and television known as an elevator pitch. You manage to catch the "big shot" in an elevator between meetings. You have from the first floor to the fifth floor to tell the big shot everything they need to know about your project to make them fall in love. The most famous, in my mind, was the pitch Roddenberry used for Star Trek, "Wagon Train in space." Four words told the television execs everything they needed to know.

D. wrote: "There is a concept in movies and television known as an elevator pitch. You manage to catch the "big shot" in an elevator between meetings. You have from the first floor to the fifth floor to tell ..."
I'll need a tall building with a slow elevator! LOL

Actually, the elevator pitch would be The Heroine's Journey with a psychic twist ala Joseph Campbell

Sorry the first sentence makes no sense: Unafraid to bare her soul, enter the story of Lyra, a young empath raised by an abusive mother suffering from a Cluster B personality disorder.

Who is unafraid to bare her soul? The readers? I know you meant it to be Lyra, but that is not what the sentence says.

You also use the same beginning for another sentence: Enter this heroine's heartfelt quest loaded with strange occurrences…

Any kind of repeat becomes obvious in a short blurb.

The other thing I see is that you didn't vary the structure of your sentences. They all start the same way. Over all it's a great improvement from the first attempt. It's getting there, just not quite 'nailed' yet. :p

Okay, thank you for pointing this out. Working on it still!

Wordy and repetitive.

Unafraid to bare her soul Enter the story of Lyra, a young empath raised by an abusive mother suffering from a Cluster B personality disorder. This poignant true story really is stranger than fiction. Prophetic dreams and bizarre synchronicities carve this author’s world from a childhood wrought with abuse to a woman who finally finds her true self after many poor decisions and mishaps.

Gifted with moments of clairaudience, clairsentience, and intuitive knowing, Lyra’s paranormal occurrences assist her in escaping kidnapping and sex trafficking. At the mercy of numerous challenges, she finally embraces her gifts that she has hid from others. Blending dreams and divine synchronicity, she finds peace through self-exploration.

Tapping into Jungian thought and metaphysics, she transforms from victim to fully thriving, living a divinely guided life. Enter this heroine’s heartfelt quest loaded with strange occurrences as she conquers her codependency, lack of self worth and experiences the best love of all. Appalling at times, yet inspiring at the next instant, this transformative, thought provoking memoir radiates hope to escape unhealthy patterns of behavior and reclaim personal power.

Dwayne wrote: "Wordy and repetitive.

Unafraid to bare her soul Enter the story of Lyra, a young empath raised by an abusive mother suffering from a Cluster B personality disorder. This poignant true story really..."

Thanks Dwayne, but the advice is not going to be taken. I'm rewriting the entire thing today, but this is not the way to go. Many relevant keywords are critical for pickup on Amazon search engine.

Honestly, I've had enough advice for now. I'll be shutting down and working on this on my own and putting it in front of fresh eyes when ready.

Thanks everyone and keep in mind that non-fiction, especially memoir blurbs, are a bit different.

Lyra wrote: "Okay you two, please look this over. This may be final version with tweaks and trimming:

"Unafraid to bare her soul, enter the story of Lyra, a young empath raised by an abusive mother suffering f..."

I really like this one; it captures my interest and I would feel compelled to learn more. My only issue is that you ask me to 'enter' the story two times. I like being asked to come see for myself, but once is more than enough. Do you have a publication date yet?

" Many relevant keywords are critical for pickup on Amazon search engine."

But what was mentioned in Dwayne's suggestion are the "relevant keywords" that will turn off the one reading the blurb.

Never lose sight of the fact that the only purpose of the blurb is to make the reader WANT to turn to page one, not appear on lots of sites and be ignored.

You have a difficult task. If you're someone the reader hasn't heard of, a memoir is always a hard sell. So the blurb needs to be attractive to the potential reader, not Google. It needs to read fast and punchy, hitting the reader's emotional hot-buttons. And as it stands it is way overwritten and filled with unneeded words that slow the narrative.

When you say, "Many will see pieces of their own lives in this writing which examines escaping unhealthy patterns of behavior and reclaiming their personal power," why would I, as a reader care that it's your belief that less than half the readers—people I don't know—will find resonance? I want to know why I will. So that paragraph, and the one after that tells me that you think I'll like it are hype, not information, and relate to your hope, not my reality.

Your choice, of course, but I'd seek to hook the reader with something other than hype and promise.

Jay wrote: "" Many relevant keywords are critical for pickup on Amazon search engine."

But what was mentioned in Dwayne's suggestion are the "relevant keywords" that will turn off the one reading the blurb.
..."

Hi Jay,

Yes, the piece had been trimmed down so that section you quote was already taken out. I agree it was overwritten. Working on it still, but I do feel conflict with all the different opinions offered.

Hi Jay,

Yes, the piece had been trimmed down so that section you quote was already taken out. I agree it was overwritten. Working on it still, but I do feel conflict with all the different opinions offered. Some tips very helpful though.

S.J. wrote: "Lyra wrote: "Okay you two, please look this over. This may be final version with tweaks and trimming:

"Unafraid to bare her soul, enter the story of Lyra, a young empath raised by an abusive mothe..."

S.J. - I suppose that is one vote for "Unafraid to bare her soul". Might be better placed elsewhere in the blurb. I am hoping for release in time for the 4th of July holiday