Young Writers discussion

Every day I saw him his eyes were different. At first I thought it was the light but it was getting more noticeable. One day they were green, the next they were blue. I was getting more and more freaked out every day. When he asked me to go to his house I was doubtfully.

"Do you want to go to my house after school?"Jackson asked.

"I......I guess, but I'll have to ask my mom if it's okay." I answered doubtful,"She she's getting home late tonight get so maybe tomorrow."

"Please ask if you can! I would really appreciate it if you could." Jackson begged.

As I promised I would the bell to start the next class rang.

"Oh no I'm going to be late. Mrs.Harrison is going to kill me. I've got to go see you later!" I screamed as I ran down the hall to English class.

"Ms. Kingston, can you please explain to me why you're late?" Mrs. Harrison questioned with a very irritated tone.

This is all I have does this sound good? Be brutal and honest please. I can handle it.

This does sound very good!
But the switch in scenes is a little fast, I'd put something in between there. Like her thoughts on the way to the class room. :)

I'm interested...
Tell me that there'll be more!
I agree with Elizabegh, it does need a little more of something.

Thank you I'll work on that. This is my first time ever trying to write a novel or short story so it's a little hard.

I understand that, I'm writing my first real novel as well. It's extremely frustrating at times /:

But I would LOVE to read more of this!

How would I show it's her thoughts not talking? Italics maybe???

I've made some adjustments is this good?
Every day I saw him his eyes were different. At first I thought it was the light but it was getting more noticeable. One day they were green, the next they were blue. I was getting more and more freaked out every day. When he asked me to go to his house I was doubtfully.

"Do you want to go to my house after school?"Jackson asked.

"I......I guess, but I'll have to ask my mom if it's okay." I answered doubtfully,"She's getting home late tonight. Maybe tomorrow."

"Please ask if you can! I would really appreciate it if you could." Jackson begged.

As I promised I would the bell to start the next class rang.

"I need to go I'll see you later!" I screamed as I ran down the hall to English class.

"If I don't hurry up, Mrs. Harrison is going to kill me. What's a good excuse I had to go to the bathroom, no too old fashioned. I... I had to get my homework from my locker. That's it!" I thought as I rushed to class.

"Ms. Kingston, can you please explain to me why you're late?" Mrs. Harrison questioned with a very irritated tone.

"I had to go to my locker to get my homework." I lied as I found my seat.

"Okay you're off the hook this time, but next time you're getting a detention."

Yes ma'am.

"Now everybody turn in your homework. I expect to see good grades from all of you, understand?"

"Yes Mrs. Harrison" The class chanted in unison.

It's good, but there's one thing bothering me...
When you said When he asked me to go to his house I was doubtfully.
Did you mean doubtful? Doubtfully doesn't make much sense there, and you use it again soon after.
Anyways, it's still good, :D

I changed the first doubtfully to doubtful and the second doubtfully to nervously

updated version: Chapter 1: Love at First Lie

Every day I saw him his eyes were different. At first I thought it was the light but it was getting more noticeable. One day they were green, the next they were blue. I was getting more and more freaked out every day. When he asked me to go to his house I was doubtful.

"Do you want to go to my house after school?"Jackson asked.

"I......I guess, but I'll have to ask my mom if it's okay." I answered nervously,"She's getting home late tonight. Maybe tomorrow."

"Please ask if you can! I would really appreciate it if you could." Jackson begged.

I promised I would ask then the bell to start the next class rang.

"I need to go I'll see you later!" I screamed as I ran down the hall to English class.

"If I don't hurry up, Mrs. Harrison is going to kill me. What's a good excuse I had to go to the bathroom, no too old fashioned. I... I had to get my homework from my locker. That's it!" I thought as I rushed to class.

"Ms. Kingston, can you please explain to me why you're late?" Mrs. Harrison questioned with a very irritated tone.

"I had to go to my locker to get my homework." I lied as I found my seat.

"Okay you're off the hook this time, but next time you're getting a detention."

"Yes ma'am."

"Now everybody turn in your homework. I expect to see good grades from all of you, understand?"

"Yes Mrs. Harrison!" The class chanted in unison.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I was dead tired after school. In P.E. we had to run 1 mile sprints, in track we had to run 100 meter dash, and in volleyball we had to run around the 1000ftx1000ft gym 5 times. The phone started ringing and I wandered around to find it.

I found it on the coffee table and the screen said unknown number. "Hello, who is this?" I questioned as I answered the phone.

"Is this, Sarah Kingston?" The person on the other end, by the way he sounded, I figured it was a 16 or 17 year old boy.

"This is she. But you never answered my question. Who is this?" I demanded as I shifted the phone to the other ear.

"Jackson Lincoln, you know, from school. I was wondering if I could come over?" The boy, apparently Jackson, replied. "Anyway, what's with your annoying attitude?"

"Well you're calling me at 10:00 P.M. what did you think I was going to do? Say that you're my best friend and skip to your house?" I sarcastically replied, " I'm dead tired, plus my mom still isn't home, so n-o. NO!"

"Fine, but I'm not going to quit until I get what I want."Jackson screamed into the phone before slamming down the phone and on that note I went to sleep.

I like it.
Jackson is so suddenly acting weird! And I almost forgot about the thing with his eyes...
I want to know what happens next!!
The story really is interesting, I can't wait to read more!

Hermionelover wrote: "How would I show it's her thoughts not talking? Italics maybe???"

Yeah, italics are a good way to do it. (Not that I'm an expert or anything, but I like to think that I'm experienced.)

New addition Chapter 2: You Stole My Life

"Hannah, did you ask your mom yet?" Jackson screamed at me as I walked down the hall ignoring him."Hannah! Hannah Kingston! If you don't listen to me you are going to regret it!"

"No Jackson, no I didn't!  Do you want to know why! She was in the hospital and almost died! I replied choking on my tears, "She had a heart attack and just barely made it. So I'm sorry if I forgot to ask if you could come over for a play date!"

I stormed down the hall with Jackson screaming after me, his eyes turning the color of a burning flame. My best friend Sarah popped up beside me.

"Hannah, do you want to come over to my house after school? I understand that your mom will be in the hospital for a few days and thought you might want some company. My mom said that you could even stay the night if you would like." My best friend asked genuinely concerned about me. With her jet black, knee length hair, baby blue eyes, round face, and curvy body Sarah is the envy of the school.

"I would love to, but I'm going to visit my mom first. You could come with me and then we could go to the mall for some shopping. What do you think?" I negotiated.

"I think that would be Ah-may-zing!" She exclaimed stretching out the word amazing, "I have my eyes on this pair if brand new boots and they're only thirty dollars! And there is a new Ralph Lauren blazer that would go perfectly with your baby blue crop top and black skinny jeans. Add that to your pink high heels and gold hoop earrings and every boy in the school would kill to ask you out."

"Well let's not get too far ahead of ourselves!" I announced snickering at my friend's excitement. "Bye! Meet me outside the school at 3:10!" I screamed down the hall as she headed for geometry while I walked into history.
~~~~~~~~~~~

Rrrrriiiiinnnnnggg the bell rang as everyone started gathering up their stuff. " Bye, Mr. Bueler!" The class chanted as we walked out the door, eager to go home and watch tv.

Hannah! There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you! I'm sorry about my attitude this morning." Jackson pleaded for forgiveness.

"Jackson, I don't want your forgiveness, I don't even care anymore! I can do what I want and no one, no one, will be able to stop me!" I explained as he walked up to me.

"Fine. Remember you brought this upon yourself. Hannah, you will ask your mom if I can come over. You will beg until she says yes and then you will call me and tell me your address." Jackson said staring into my eyes. His eyes becoming a swirling black and white circle.

"I will ask my mom if you can come over. I will beg until she says yes and then I will call you and tell you my address." I chanted hypnotized by his swirling eyes. And with that he walked away and I went to find Sarah.

Did he just do like a Jedi mind trick on her?!
:D I really like where this is going!
Though, you're using 'screaming' and 'screamed' a lot, perhaps you should use 'shout' or 'yell'.
Also, you forgot a " in a few places, but that's a little thing.
Anyways, I'm still enjoying it and would love to see more!