Goodreads Authors/Readers discussion

I think I struggled more writing my book blurb than I did the actual book!

This is my latest version. What do you think?

Charlotte Marshall had a good life; friends, family, a successful career. All that changed when research for a book and a connection from her past drops Charlotte into the middle of decades old mystery.
In a dark parking lot, Charlotte will come face to face with a killer starting a deadly game of cat and mouse where Charlotte will have to catch a killer before a killer catches her.
Afraid and alone, Charlotte finds herself in a fight for her life. A fight that will teach her the meaning of trust and just when to run.

Here it goes. Take my opinion lightly. I'm not good at blurb and I hate writing them too. Who doesn't? :P

In MHO, first, I would put everything in present tense.
Second, I would find a way to have Charlotte's name not mentioned so many times.

Charlotte Marshall has a good life: (Colon here, what follows isn't a complete sentence) friends, family, a successful career. All that changes when research for a book and a connection from her past drop her into the middle of decades old mystery.

Personally, I don't like the sound of 'decades old mystery'. I honestly don't know why it bugs me, it just does. :(

In the second paragraph, you have only one sentence and it contains twice Charlotte and three times the word killer.

Maybe try this?
In a dark parking lot, she will come face to face with her nemesis, starting a deadly game of cat and mouse where she will need to catch a killer before he (she?) catches her.

Afraid and alone, Charlotte finds herself in a fight for her life.
(The fight for her life is redundant. We can guess that if the killer catches her first, she's dead, so of course it's a fight for her life.)

The next sentence is incomplete. If you keep both, I would replace the period with a comma instead. Or you could try something like this maybe?
Afraid and alone, Charlotte will learn to know when to trust and when to run.

I hope this help a bit. Your blurb is intriguing. It just needs some tweaking. I hope people will join in and give you their opinion. The more heads together, the more likely we'll find what's not working (and what is).

Good Luck!

The blurb is really good, but I agree about the repetition; try and avoid repeating words too often in the same sentence.

Also, if you're going to keep the "decades old mystery" part, then you might want to add "a" in that sentence. That might be why it doesn't sound quite right to G.G.? You wrote "in to the middle of decades old mystery" when it should be "in to the middle of a decades old mystery" instead.

It's your blurb, so it's totally up to you in the end, but I'd write something like this:

"Charlotte Marshall has a good life; friends, family, a successful career. All that changes when research for a book and a connection from her past drops her into the middle of a decades old mystery, and a deadly game of cat and mouse.

Afraid and alone, Charlotte will need to learn when to trust and when to run."

Thank you both so much for the feedback. I really appreciate it and I can see what you are both saying. I will work on some changes. It is so important to get feedback. I think sometimes when it is my own writing I read and I know I need to tweak it, but for some reason I can't see quite what needs to change!

Thanks again. I will try to repost an updated version today.

Hi Becky.
You're not alone. It literally took me years to get to the blurb I now use for my first novel.

You need to hook the reader in the first sentence. It doesn't have to be the hook that drives the reader to buy the book, just one that gets them to read the whole thing.

You might think about lead with "Decades old mystery, a dark parking lot, the eyes of a killer…" or something like that. The word mystery is very powerful in grabbing the reader especially if you expose a small portion of it.

Keep playing around with it. You'll know it when it's right.

ScaryBob

Ok. Take two.

A decades old mystery and a deadly game of cat and mouse will change Charlotte Marshall forever.
Charlotte has a good life: friends, family, a successful career. All that changes when research for a book and a connection from her past drops her into the middle of a nightmare.
Afraid and alone, Charlotte will need to learn the meaning of trust and just when to run.

Becky, that was fantastic!!! The only thing I would change is to put an adjective in front of nightmare.

That version is much better, Becky!

Love this one much better :) Yet, you have her name mentioned three times in that short blurb. Not easy but you still need to cut that down, at least one more?

I think the name usage is fine. It's only once per paragraph.

Becky, I've been doing the same thing for a novel of my own and have received so guidance on it which I will pass on to you.

One of the best things you can do is to use powerful verbs. For instance, instead of "all that changes when..." you could say "(Her picture perfect life is demolished) when research for a book and a connection from her past (plunges) her into the middle of a (horrific) nightmare."

I put the changes in parenthesis so they are easy to spot.

Basically the advice is to more powerful words ('demolish' instead of 'change') to invoke stronger emotions in the reader.

Hope this helps.

Thank you all so much for your advice and encouragement. I like the blurb better now, but I feel like I need to flesh it out some. Peter, I hear what you are saying and I think that might help. Ok...take three coming up!
Becky

Take three...

A decades old mystery and a deadly game of cat and mouse will change Charlotte Marshall forever.
Charlotte has a good life: friends, family, a successful career. Her perfect life is destroyed when research for a book and a connection from her past plunges her into the middle of her worst nightmare.
On the run, with no one to trust and only her pit bull and old calico for companionship, Charlotte begins to unravel the work of a sadistic murderer. Afraid and alone, she will learn the meaning of trust and just when to run.

So far I like this one the best of any of them. I know it still has Charlotte a lot but when I changed it and read it aloud it felt like there was too much she or her. I will read it again later. Sometimes a little time makes me see something differently.

Thank you all for your help. Any further thoughts are certainly appreciated.

Honestly, I'd drop the pit bull and calico. Although I've heard cats on covers sells mysteries.

Lol. I personally have never read a cat mystery. You are probably right. They are really characters in the story so I wanted to include them, but it may take away from the rest. Thanks again. I definitely feel like I was able to polish the blurb... now I just need to work on my biography!

Are they big characters? Like some of the main cast? If so, then leave them in, if not then take them out.

I think the name usage is fine; it's only once per paragraph.

Here is my version.

Charlotte Marshall has a good life; friends, family, a successful career. All that changes when her research on a book and a connection from her past drops her into the middle of an old mystery.

In a dark parking lot, Charlotte comes face to face with a killer starting a deadly game of cat and mouse. Charlotte has to catch the killer before the killer catches her.

Afraid and alone, Charlotte finds herself in a fight for her life. A fight that will teach her the meaning of trust and when to run for her life.

Just observing the process. Glad to see you're still at it and Stan is still so good at it.

It's always more fun when it's not your own. ;)

In a month or two I'll probably want to change it all again. For now I really appreciate all the help I definitely improved it. :-)