Just Keep Writing discussion

Wade spent his walk back to civilization feeling like he’d just awoken from a 5-year-long dream-nightmare- or some mixture of the two. There was a mix of confusion and clarity amounting to him going over the entirety of their relationship and returning to the question: What was the point? He’d changed everything about his life for this marriage. Of course, he still cared about his wife, but their relationship was hardly conventional and she wasn’t willing to work through their mountain of issues. So he should naturally go back to his old ways, living a life of risk and whimsicality.

So now came the divorce, right? Cecily would probably just take care of everything and it would be over with his signature. As expected, she was a very thorough lawyer. In fact, that was exactly what happened. She left the apartment within the week and took her things with her. Aside from the official signing of the documents, he stopped seeing her. Logically, everything made sense. They had always only intended to end their relationship to end with that night. Things changed because of the baby. Now there was no baby. So, logically, they should just go their separate ways and continue their lives. She probably didn’t intend to completely cut him out of her life. But they were divorced and finding themselves outside of their relationship, so suffice it to say they didn’t often check in with one another. She didn’t live on the same side of town anymore either, so their paths weren’t going to cross.

So why was he staring at the unkempt sheets from the bathroom? The memory of her making the bed practically materializing before him. She throws the four pillows precisely to the chair in the corner, then snaps the comforter and sheets as she straightens them. She’ll fold the top of the sheet down and spend a moment to make sure everything is symmetrical before she fluffs the pillows and puts all seven of them in their correct order. When she is done, she gives a small, habitual nod before going leaving the bedroom to make herself some breakfast.

Right now there’s only one pillow and the comforter and sheets are all tangled and lumped on one side of the bed. The rest of the pillows were strewn across the floor because the chair in the corner was already occupied by yesterday’s clothes. He’d make it later, sure, but it wasn’t going to be “Better Homes and Garden” ready.

He quit his desk job. He missed the money, but it was a fair price to pay for the freedom of choosing whatever kind of job suited him at the time alongside being the boss of his small furniture business.

She wanted to go left and he wanted to go right.
"The moss grows on the side facing the river so if we find the river, we can find our way back to town."

"Except there is no science to support that and I clearly remember that civilization is in the other direction."

"Can't you trust me? We're tired, hungry, and I know you're not sleeping well. I hiked a lot with my dad when I was younger and this is the way we need to go to get back faster."

"Trust you? That's rich."

Wade sighed at her words. She was right. He hadn't been a faithful husband, but he sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to try and get them lost in the middle of the woods.

"That part has nothing to do with my wilderness skills." He persevered, biting back the urge to yell.

Cecily gave him that annoyed "I don't give a rat's ass" sort of look. "Then go, wilderness man. I won't stop you."

"Cecily, you're the only thing stopping me. I'm not leaving you to fend for yourself."

"I can fend for myself just fine. You worry about yourself."

"That's not how marriage works."

"You call this a marriage?!" She let an exasperated laugh escape her. "We only got married for one reason and once she-once she passed away, there has been no reason for us not to move on." She choked her way past the words to make her point.

"Oh, bullshit! Don't talk to me like that. I was there. I was committed. I was ready to make it work and you just shut me out. I was having a hard time too, Cecily! I was so damn lonely."

"What do you know? You didn't grow up with my family, so concerned about image that it stifling. You and your dad are best friends. And our little family? Heaven knows we didn't get married for love. She was going to be my family. She was going to be my world. I don't need you to stay for my sake. You can just move on to the next piece of ass that catches your fancy-"

"You know it's not like that-"

"Oh? Not like what? Not like you stay with me out of pity or that you cheat on our marriage with other women when it suits you?"

Wade bit his lip, giving his wife a pleading look. Was this really how it was all going to end? Them screaming at each other in the middle of nowhere?
"I'm desperate, here." He breathed, "I couldn't talk to you, touch you, comfort you. I lost a daughter I never got to meet and my wife was suddenly a stranger to me. And I knew it was my fault, but you were too stubborn to admit it. If I'd just left you alone from the beginning, you would be off taking the world by storm in the courtroom and I'd be probably doing the same thing I'd always been doing. The cheating... I needed an outlet. I didn't know where we stood, but I sure as hell wasn't leaving you. I needed to be near you. I needed to know that you were coming home safe every night and that you were eating and at the same time I felt like my existence was only hurting you. I missed you. I missed feeling her kick and your weird cravings and reading books and planning our life together. I wanted a family with you. I wanted her family with you."

The dark haired woman was shaking, the image of her glassy eyes ready to spill over causing Wade's own to tear up. Her next words came out as more of a mumble and he didn't quite catch it.
"I said that I never blamed you for that night." She sniffed. "I was as much a part of it as you were. Just as culpable."

"I should have been prepared. " He added softly.

"I should have too." She wiped her cheek with the heel of her hand before crossed her arms. Wade's hands twitched, really wanting to give her a hug, but knowing it would only make things worse at this point. His heart nearly broke at her next words, "I couldn't hold on to her." She gasped, "Everything was going fine and then my body let go of her. I messed up. I didn't eat right or I let myself get too stressed or I exercised too much and she was gone." Her breathing became erratic and big tears began rolling down her face.

"Cecily..." He begged, needing to do something other than uselessly stand there.
"Wade." She warned, catching her breath.
Enough. A voice inside him said. He'd had enough of this stillness and silence, waiting for her to be alright, waiting for himself to start feeling alright. He wasn't alright. Far from it, he was dying inside and if they continued with this, they would both die.

He hugged her. Tightly enough that she couldn't push him away this time.

"What are you doing? I don't need you to comfort me."

"If you really want me to leave your life, then tell me to move out. Tell me it's all my fault and you're done with me."

"Wha- what are you talking about?"

"I can't do this walking on eggshells anymore. I'm done waiting for you to want me around again. Regardless of the reasons why, we got married and we were actually happy for a while. I think we can find that again, even if it takes time. I'm willing to find out. I don't want to go anywhere or be with anyone else. But if me being around is making you feel responsible - you're not - you had no fault in that matter. No one thinks otherwise. If me being around is making this too hard for you, then I'll leave. I don't want to hurt you anymore and I can't stay away when you're like this. No one loved her more or worked harder for her than us. You went through multiple highlighters reading those books. You followed the diets to a "t". I remember you waking me up at two in the morning because you walked by a sushi restaurant and weren't sure if proximity to raw fish put the baby in danger."

The delicate woman sobbed openly, giving up on pushing her husband away for now. "Well I'm not happy either. I see you and I'm so sad and angry and scared and I don't know what to do about it anymore. What if we're supposed to move on and I go back into law and you're supposed to quit that desk job? You only took it for the baby. You keep looking for me to give you a sign like you need my permission to go or stay or I don't know, Wade, but I don't have all the answers and you should just do what makes you happy. I don't want to feel like you're stuck with me if that's not what you want. I-I don't know what I want. I miss you too, but you also remind me of how much I've lost and it hurts. You've hurt me, I've hurt you, what kind of marriage are we even living if that's all we do? Logic says we should start fresh, right? We can't erase our past. Let's just stop! Ok. I'm releasing you. I'm sick of all of this. I can't handle-"She paused to breath "th-thi-this. So let go of me and leave. That will be easier for me. All the in between sucks."

"Ceci..." He sighed, feeling completely useless. "Fine," his voice had become gravelly with emotion and frustration, "We'll go our separate ways then?"

"Yes." She replied curtly.

He stared at her disbelievingly. This was it? In the middle of nowhere they were just going to separate and never see each other again? But... it was what she wanted and he didn't have the energy to disagree. "Alright," He began softly and offered her another hug, which, to his surprise, she took. He wondered if that didn't hurt even more. "I'll call you if I find town." She nodded, releasing him and taking some steps back.
"I'm-"
"Don't apologize. Let's just... leave it at this."

She looked at him, the pain on his face and slumping of his shoulders indicating he was just as war torn as her.

He looked at her, puffy eyes and rigid stance burning itself into his memory as the moment their marriage ended. Funny, when it had been stretching thin for years only to be severed so cleanly now.

They turned, there was no first or last.

"Cecily?" Wade breathed quietly, afraid if he was too loud that her ghost would vanish like smoke amongst the snow. Perhaps it was the alcohol running through his veins that was responsible for her apparition. Heavens knew how much whiskey he'd had earlier. He could feel his chest clench painfully with relief, longing, and regret at the sight of her dark and impossibly curly hair. It was longer than the last time they'd seen each other. What had it been... two years now?

"Wade?" She responded and drew closer. "You reek. Why are you here at the hospital?"
"How'd you know I really wanted to see you right now? You're reading my mind again. Stop it, mind power temptress."
"Jesus, you're drunk." She huffed in annoyance, "Have you been spending the last couple years throwing your life away?"
"Wouldn't YOU like to know? I had to leave my party early cuz-cuz-" Wade started trembling and sniffling before he could finish his sentence.
"Wade. Focus. Tell me. What happened?" Cecily crouched down to his side, brow suddenly knit with concern. Wade mumbled his response unclearly. "Come on, Wade. Tell me clearly. I'll listen."

"It's my dad." Wade sniffled, "Hit and run bastard. I'm gonna kill him."

"Ok, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

"I said I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM." Wade droned loudly. Cecily's shushed him urgently.

"You can't shout that in front of a hospital!"

"I'm gonNA-" A gloved hand covered the carpenter's mouth before he could finish.

"You're too drunk to kill anyone right now. How about I do it for you, hm?"

"You'd do that?"

"Sure."

"For me?" He sounded like a young child for a moment and Cecily bit her cheek to stop her smile from spreading too widely.

"Of course, anything for you, Wade."

"Does this mean we're friends again?" He cocked his head to the side.

"Uh, well-"

"Because I don't wanna be your friend." Wade suddenly pouted, turning away and pulling out a flask from his jacket pocket. "Two years and she says she wants to be friends... ssstupid."

"Why can't we be friends?" Cecily felt slightly offended that her ex suddenly refused to be cordial even in his drunken state.

"Because I want to be your husband."

"Wade, you know we can't. We talked about this."

"I want to watch you make the bed every morning." He slurred as clearly as a sad drunk man could.

"Oh, so I'm going to be the maid in your fantasy life."

"You make the bed every morning with the fierceness and precision of an assassin. Not a fold out of place, lest Home and Garden disapprove."

"I love that the one thing you remember about me is my neatness. Is that what you look for in women?"

"The best part is when you nod at your work afterwards. Because you're so proud. Like 'I did good. I earned my breakfast.'"

"You're a bit of a creep, aren't you?" Despite her words, Cecily couldn't help but smirk at drunk Wade's words.

"I miss the way you take up the whole couch when you're reading a good book. And when your hair gets messy when you're stressed. Do you know how many times I wondered about the volume of your hair since last time I saw you?"

"Wade," Cecily felt her chest squeeze. "You shouldn't say things like that."

"Psh! I say what I want."

"Tell me about your dad. Did they catch the guy?"

"Not yet, but the police said they would soon. And then I'm gonna kill him."

"Not while your drunk, remember? Until you're sober, it's my job."

"Right, your job. Hey! You're big time lawyer lady now, right?"

"Soon. I should be getting back the results from my board exam in the next few weeks."

"Will you tell me? When you pass?"

"You sure you're still going to want to talk to me when you're sober?"

"Of course!"

"Right, I guess I just wanted to double check." She smiled and wrapped her scarf around Wade's neck.

"How about we go inside? It's cold outside."

"It's cold out here though. I like it."

"It kind of reminds me of when we met."

"'I'd offer you a smoke, but you look like you just quit.'"

"Yeah... I missed you too, for what it's worth."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Like, how you always made sure the bed was warm when I got home late, or how you-" She turned away abruptly with a sniffle. "God, what am I saying?"

"The truth."

"Huh?

"Tell me the truth. I wanna know what you missed about me."

"I... missed the way you'd text me stupid, silly pictures you thought were funny but were really, really, stupid." She wiped her glistening eyes quickly. "And how you became so engrossed in your projects that you forgot to eat because you're that passionate about creating something. I missed you too." Cecily flinched slightly at Wade's rough hands wiping away a stray tear. "Um-" She stepped away for a moment to collect herself. "Let's get you inside before you freeze. That last thing your dad wants to wake up to is a popsicle son."

"If he wakes up."

"He's going to wake up. I know Rick is stronger than any car."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Always. Now come on, Mr. Whiskey."

"Yes, dear."

Twinkle lights are strung through the trees throughout the park and the large crowd of wedding-goers is laughing and socializing as anyone might expect. Some guests are seated amongst their groups at their assigned tables, chatting or eating, and a few, such as Wade, sit with a glass in hand, watching as the party swirled around them.
“I’m so glad you could make it, Wade.” The giggling groom bumped shoulder, ruffled Wade’s sandy hair, and clinked sparkling glasses with his friend who was watching the dancers move with an increasing lack of rhythm and grace.
“Of course, Freddie. Wouldn’t dream of missing your and Allison’s big day.” Wade paints a practiced grin on his face because while he would rather be anywhere else, he was thankful there was at least someone who wasn’t still treating him like some bad omen of divorce.
“I tell you, Wade,” Freddie sat next to Wade and leaned in conspiratorially, “I wish more people watched her entrance. Do you remember that feeling? When you’re walking down the aisle and there's a good amount of people who look at you to make sure they see you cry?”
“Cecily and I had a small ceremony, actually.” Wade shrugged, but a flash of angry cedar eyes had been on him rather intently that day. Cecily had squeezed his palm tightly as though to say ‘We can do this.’ While her deep gray eyes cradled his gaze and he could feel her shaking almost imperceptibly. They hadn’t had time for anything incredibly special. They’d gone to the courthouse, much to her parent's dismay. He remembered she’d worn a short veil, small locks of her hair were braided and woven intricately with her untameable black curls into an elegant bun. Her earrings and necklace were a deep sapphire that contrasted brilliantly against her ivory skin and her dress was a cheap silk cream wrap that flowed away from her barely protruding stomach just so. He didn’t remember what his expression had been or if he had offered her any assuring hand squeezes or even if he had told her that she looked breathtaking. He wondered if it would have changed anything in the end.
“Well, it’s just mental, mate. The pressure is intense and then,” Freddie sighed for emphasis, “There’s your girl. The one you’d been waiting to see this entire time.” Freddie’s eyes glisten with drink and emotion and his smile widens uncontrollably at the memory. Wade offers a soft grin, but his thoughts are still muddled in the past.
“You and Allison are great together, Freddie. I’m happy for you.” Wade stood, feeling the sudden urge to smoke. He gave a congratulatory pat to the groom’s shoulder, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find myself a restroom.”
“Of course, mate. I’ll see you around.” Freddie chuckles again. He starts to head back towards his twirling bride on the dance floor when he turns back suddenly as though he’s remembering something. “Oh! And don’t forget to take a picture with us at the photo booth later. Allison wants a picture with all our guests.” He mentions and then continues towards the dancers.
Wade nods and waves, but wanders away from the festivities, following the restroom signs towards the park lavatory. The smell of smoke hits him before he notices a group of people resting against the side of the building chatting away easily. One girl notices him staring, eyes him up and down briefly before smirking and sauntering over towards him. “Can I offer you a smoke?” He thinks briefly that she’s pretty, obviously flirty, definitely a smoker, and potentially the escape he desperately wants this evening. He reaches into his pocket.
“Actually-” Wade starts.
“He just quit.” A striking woman is standing just outside the restroom door. Her expression is tight and unreadable, her hair pulled into a bun on top of her head and she’s wearing a white blouse with an apparent red stain down the front and black trousers. “Unless that changed over the past couple of years.” Cecily’s voice is as calm and cautious as ever.
Wade produces a vial of bubbles from his pocket, there were several at every table. “I quit.” He affirmed, turning to the girl once more. “Thank you for the offer, though.” He turns to Cecily, “Do you have a moment to talk?”
“I have to head back in 15 minutes to help with the clean-up.”
“I’ll take what I can get.” He smiles and he thinks he catches a smirk on her lips.
“I’ll give you until then. It’s nice to see you, Wade.”
“You too, Cecily.” He doesn’t dare touch her, but he feels a warmth, a humming, a glimpse of those happy memories. He feels hope.