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For the short blurb, try something like this (although I'm not entirely happy with the last sentence):

Young Lilian's peaceful life hadn't prepared her for this nightmare. As classmates fall ill and vanish without a trace, she finds herself pitted against the U.S. military and a powerful pharma corporation in a struggle for control over a mythical technology of unimaginable power. With death nipping at her heels, Lilian must find a way to outwit her adversaries and come to terms with the irreversible changes in her life.

J. wrote: "Thank you! It's extremely good marketing-wise, a huge improvement for sure!

There are two small plot/expectation issues:

Yeah, any blurb suggestion I give without reading the book always comes with two caveats:

(1) I didn't read the book, so I might have misrepresented it.

(2) It's your book, not mine. If you don't like what I offer, you are free to toss it aside.

I think your revision is fine, generally speaking, but I'd suggest a couple of edits. First, I would keep the first sentence short instead of splicing it together with the second. You want to grab the reader right away. Making them wade through a long sentence dulls the effect. Second, although you can bring Lilian's friends into it, you don't really have to. Keeping the focus on her, at least initially, is probably a bit stronger. You could introduce them in the last sentence, instead. Third: keeping the military in there makes it more menacing. So:

Young Lilian's struggles haven't prepared her for this nightmare. As classmates fall ill and vanish, she finds herself pursued by the U.S. military and a powerful pharma corporation over control of a mythical technology of unimaginable power. With death nipping at their heels, she and her friends must outwit their adversaries and come to terms with a transformation that leaves their old lives shattered.

It works without it. I haven't had time to tackle the longer version, but you can probably spin something out from the short version. The main thing is to keep the writing tight. You basically want to hook the reader and real them in without revealing the resolution. Keep the writing as tight as possible and look for the strongest possible verbs that work for the situation.

Yep, I think that's fine, although a slight edit might be beneficial:

'[retracted]' is a science fiction thriller about a girl and her friends caught in a deadly conspiracy. It is the first book of the [retracted] Series.

Explanation: A science fiction thriller is a story, so you don't have to say "a story", and I feel "caught in" is stronger than "wrapped up in."

J. wrote: "Thanks! You are an endless source of amazing pitch improvements!"

Aw, shucks, folks. ;-) But thank you. I learned a little about editing my wife, it seems . . .

Exciting stuff!
I think I'd get rid of the references about Lilian's past, the main story is enough to get my interest, and knowing that the main character has problems just dilutes it a bit. I'm not sure about the phrase 'too dark of a history to share' either it doesn't flow too well. And it's not clear who the 'its' in 'its creators' refers to, since the other question is in between that and the reference to the invention. I hope that's helpful.

Let's try a different approach:

First they get sick. Then they vanish.

Lillian thought her new school and new friends would erase past sorrows. But now her classmates are falling ill and disappearing without a trace. When she happens upon a curious device, she realizes she holds the key to the mystery.

But the creators of this fusion of technology and human mind want it back and will stop at nothing to get it. Lillian and her young friends are no match for such powerful adversaries. But who can they turn to for help, when they hold in their hands a technology so powerful it should never have been created?

J. wrote: "Dale wrote: "Let's try a different approach: [...]"

Thanks for your suggestion! However, not sure I like this one - it reads a bit monotonous since you took out most variation of sentence length. ..."

Company’s can’t have morals, so I’d amend that line to reflect that its run by immoral individuals.

J. wrote: "I'm curious, did you intentionally make it more vague? ... Or is there a reason why that would be bad?"

You're probably right about the monotony. I wasn't at my best when I wrote that. Yesterday was a looong day. :-P

However, I think the version you posted is a bit too busy. This is Lilian's story (presumably; bear in mind that I haven't read it so I might get some things wrong), so the blurb should primarily be about Lilian. It should also be about the main conflict. You can possibly drop a hint or two about secondary conflicts, but those shouldn't dominate the blurb.

As I see it (with the caveat about my ignorance of the story), the main points are: (1) Lilian is looking forward to a fresh start; (2) her fresh start is spoiled by classmates mysteriously falling ill and disappearing; (3) when she gets her hands on the gizmo that might be responsible, she draws the wrath of a very nasty adversary who wants the gizmo back. (4) She's outmatched by the adversary (teenager vs. global corporation) and the gizmo is such a juicy find that anyone she might ask for help will be seduced by it.

Do you need to say what the gizmo is, exactly? Mmmmm . . . maybe, maybe not. You can probably just hint at its terrible power. However, I've tried to reintroduce a few such elements in the following version. Let's see if you like it any better:

First they get sick. Then they vanish.

Lillian hoped a new school and new friends would erase past sorrows, but one by one her classmates succumb to a bizarre illness and vanish without a trace. Searching for the reason, she stumbles upon a curious device. Could it be the key to the mystery?

Before she learns the answer, she finds herself targeted by the ruthless agents of a global medical corporation, people for whom kidnapping, torture, and murder are second nature. Lillian and her young friends are no match for such powerful adversaries. But to whom can they turn for help when they hold in their hands a fusion of technology and mind so powerful, so lucrative, so seductive that it should never have been created?

Alexis,

A couple of things to bear in mind.

(1) I'm writing like me, probably not like you, so some of these things may be matters of preference and style. That's okay.

(2) The blurb needs to engage the reader enough to get them to open the book. And it has to be a fast hit. That's why it needs to be tightly focused on the main character and the crisis he/she faces. That's why I suggested opening with "First they get sick. Then they vanish." You seem to agree it grabs attention. True, I explain it right away, but that's to plunge Lilian into the middle of the crisis. Once there, she quickly finds the mysterious device and we find out her life is now in jeopardy because she has it. (This is just by way of explaining my approach. There are probably countless other approaches to achieve the same effect.)

Having said all that, if you are set on the approach you've proposed, I would suggest at least tightening it up and making it as tense as possible. I would suggest naming the company in the blurb, because that will make the writing tighter. For example:

Medosaurus is about to change the world. No teenager is going to stop them.

Lilian just wants a fresh start and a chance to make friends at her new school. But now a strange sickness is spreading among her classmates, and one by one they are vanishing without a trace. When Lilian stumbles upon a curious device, she wonders if she has found the explanation.

But her discovery quickly turns to nightmare as she and her friends are pursued by the ruthless agents of Medosaurus, who are not afraid to kidnap, torture, or even kill to keep secret their fusion of mind and computer.

I stopped there, because I realized I didn't understand a few things. When you say "mythical technology" what do you mean to indicate? Also, are you saying that anyone who wears this thing will have their life altered forever, or are you saying that Lilian and her friends' lives are altered forever?

Much better! I would only suggest a few edits at this point:

A frantic chase ensues as Lilian and her friends are hunted down by a medical company whose executives aren't afraid to kidnap and torture. The teenagers realize in horror that they hold in their hands hands a strange new technology, a fusion of mind and computer which should have never been made. Unstable and unremovable, with the potential to kill its wearer, the artifact destroys their chance of a normal life.

This is just to tighten it up and make it a bit more intense. I still think you should put the name of the company in there (I assume it has one?). But other than that, I think you're in pretty good shape.