Our Marginalized Relations discussion

When you tell someone you're intersex...

in a way you are telling them more about what you are not, than what you are
You tell them, that you're *not* male or female in the sense of biology, busting the whole backpack of assumptions that we carry around with us when we speak of men and women.
(My thoughts on what constitutes a man and a woman are another chapter)

Now, in my view Sylvie's reaction is somewhat understandable, because:
a) Max is kinda busting her worldview, her worldview being there are only males and females running around
b) it is said that she tends to have panic attacks, and this I think is definitely a situation that can trigger a panic attack (hey, I mean, it can trigger a panic attack in intersex people being told they're intersex, so... it's not far-fetched)

But again, I have to think: When you tell someone you're intersex, you tell them more what you are not, and less what you are.
Now, gender identity is a whole other issue, and might be related in some ways, but it's not the same and it's not to be confused...

Coming-out is a process that, once started, is never finished. When you're out, who are you out to? Your family, your friends, either or neither? Online? In person or under a pseudonym? Whenever you meet a new person, you have to make a decision: Do I tell them? What could happen if I tell them? Is it safe for me to tell them? Do I want to tell them?
I mean, there is a certain level of "out" where you don't have to ask yourself that anymore, but really, in a way you always have to ask yourself...

And it is scary to tell someone, especially because you don't know for sure how they'll react, and then maybe you have no support system that catches you so you are not alone, if things start to get in a wrong direction

This applies to so many other forms of coming-out, but really, it is true. Coming-out is a huge step, and not something done lightly, the person coming out to you puts a great deal of trust into you. Respect that.

Ask the person what you can share about them, because a lot of these things can put us into unpleasant situations. Situations that can even be dangerous for us. Ask who you can tell (maybe you can take a lot of weight off their shoulders, but again, it's their choice and you need to respect it)

Oh, and then the last thing: For some of us it is a huge issue, a part of our identity, and for some it is just a smaller issue, but again respect is the most important thing.

Thank you for sharing Meerder.

I liked how Golden Boy touches on gender and privacy(haven't gotten to Max's momeny part yet, but give me two days). How much these two are conscious thoughts and how often they are used to categorize others.

I don't think I appreciated it so much before.

Coming out as gay has changed so much in the States since 1990's thanks some in part to the media. A friend of mine came out and we all kinda nodded glad they finally knew when the rest of us knew/assumed for years.

Intersex seems much more complicated. The specific types all have clinical names, the gender assignment question, the sexuality question, the physical question, the sex question, etc etc etc.

Pam wrote: "Thank you for sharing Meerder.

I liked how Golden Boy touches on gender and privacy(haven't gotten to Max's momeny part yet, but give me two days). How much these two are conscious thoughts and h..."

Yes, there are many questions that really involuntarily you have to answer for yourself when you are intersex.

Sexuality and gender identity are not an issue of intersex in itself, but everyone of us has them, and finding out you're intersex might change how you identify with regards to sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

What I wanted to say yesterday but it didn't really come across (note to self: Don't write posts after midnight...) is the following:
When you tell someone that you are intersex, after being told, they have no idea, what sex characteristics you have (or had), apart from the ones that are visible (and even that doesn't give away THAT much)...

In the end, we shouldn't assume what someone's sex characteristics are, because unless they tell you what they have, you have no way of knowing definitely what they have.
And it's not of someone else's business anyways.

Dear Meerder,

thank you for sharing this. I agree with your opinion on Sylvie. Max is opening up to her and she freaks. But I don't think that was because Max is intersex, but because it was something she needed time to wrap her head around. And that's what she did.

When my cousin told me that she is gay, it somehow wasn't a big deal to me, I mean I didn't have to 'think' about it.
We were Teenagers back than, the conversation went like:
"i want to tell you something - I'm gay"
"cool, do you have a girlfriend"
"yes I do"
"great bring her next time"
Done.

I didn't consider being gay as anything 'not normal', some people are black, some are white, some are tall, some thin, some blond, some like woman, some like men.... everyone is different.
But being gay is something which is quite 'popular' in the media (positively).
Intersex was not that prominent (for me) till now. So I do get the fact that Sylvie needed time to process the information.

Society had a couple of years to wrap it's head around gay (still in progress). And I really hope we are on the same path with intersex.

Nadine wrote: ".Society had a couple of years to wrap it's head around gay (still in progress). And I really hope we are on the same path with intersex. ."

Here here