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to be the sun!
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tired, yikes
(last edited May 14, 2019 08:46PM)
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Jan 16, 2019 07:46PM
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playlist for the novel "i'll give you the sun" by jandy nelson
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sometimes i think of i'll give you the sun and get emotional... it had so much potential and i love the storyline and premise but god there really had to be a useless white male love interest with no personality. the book would have been a 5/5 stars if not for oscar (even his name is tacky!!!). i hate him so much wow... even if i dismiss the weird age gap his character has no redeeming qualities hes just so boring? he embodies the cliche bad boy stereotype with nothing to offer to the story. lmao and his sarcastic dialogue/tragic backstory/substance abuse is so old/uninteresting and stupid yikes. i just wonder how the fuckkk jandy nelson managed to write this terribly uninteresting character when the rest of the book and other characters are so interesting/developed? the story is so immersive and i love the other characters... the dad in the book is more interesting than oscar. the main characters (jude&noah) are great and so well written and i love the contrast that readers witness btwn the two alternating narratives (noah @ age 13, jude @ age 16) and the character arcs are so good! yikes if oscar's character didnt exist the book would have been so solid
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🍒 1.16.19 --
i feel weird about using goodreads again but we'll see how it goes. life has been weird lately and i feel like im in a limbo. not very happy but im getting through it. i got a new laptop last week (?) and i love it soo much. i got a surface laptop 2 and its so light and fast ughhh im in love. january-june: a transitory period for me, tbh. im trying to get through these next several months and i want them to fly by so i can move onto the next phase of my life! college! i need to be done with school and i hope i get through this next semester without dying lmaoooo. im so unmotivated lately but trying to stay hopeful? lol i need to fill out my fafsa. after i do that ill be done w college related stuff oof. i really want to reread some books that i used to love because im incapable of reading new books bc it makes me nervous lol but i have a shit ton of books i have to read for school and yet...
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inspired by brokeback mountain (2005)
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🌻 1.30.19 --
i am so behind in everything ever but.... life goes on! i hate my new classes this semester and am somehow so fucking behind in 3/4 of my classes and its only the 6th day lol. im currently reading wuthering heights by emily bronte and while i'm not a huge fan, i do sympathize with heathcliff a lot. yikes. i think i always have a soft spot for byronic heroes.... but like i still dont condone his actions later in the book because (view spoiler). and also (view spoiler) anyway im attempting to learn how to play wuthering heights by kate bush on the piano but im so lazy and the key signature is fuckingg uh weird. speaking of byronic heroes, kaz brekker from six of crows by leigh bardugo is definitely the epitome of the bryonic hero (besides heathcliff from WH) and like... wow lol. i miss reading a lot and i miss when it was fun. lately ive been having difficulty reading and im only reading for school rn because.. school i guess. i did buy king of scars by bardugo yesterday when it was released and guiltily skimmed thru the entirety of the book. including the ending. yikes!
for the past week i have gotten 2-3 hours of sleep every night and also i am finally paying the price for leaving my contacts (which are dailies) in my eyes for weeks on end. my left eye is swollen dry and fuckd up and it hurts to look at the light/technology screens/read/etc. i also had to wear my glasses today since my eye is all messed up and that just made my head feel like it was gong to implode. love being blind!
another random thing that nobody cares about is that i got a job like... a week ago? a little bit over actually. im going to be a cashier at a grocery store lmaoo. nothign special but rn im just waiting for my drug test results to come back so i can start onboarding and then working! lets get this bread
also another random thing: i currently have a 67% in ap psych! love that for me. also this boy that is sort of cute but also i need to stop falling in love with strangers has been glancing at me for the past 6 consecutive days of school and.... idk. it kinda makes me feel uncomfortable because i dont like people looking at me but also it makes me feel? real? like oh okay. i exist outside of my own perception? wack. idk how i feel about that. but like. wow. im trying not to like him because i barely know him (i had class w him last year but thts it . oops) but like... idk any other explanation for why he would be looking at me other than that.... he possibly is into me? thinks im cute? that sounsd vain but like. usually when guys look at me because they think i'm ugly or something.... yk. they'll laugh or snicker or do something shitty and dont care about being a jackass. art history boy doesnt laugh or look amused at my Mediocre/ugly existence and instead he just? glances. a lot. i count sometimes because i'm that pthetic and in need of human interaction. i go whole school days without speaking a word and often feel like im just drifting through everything and everyone. school drains me but idk. when people give me attention even if its the tiniest sliver of human interaction... it rejuvenates me. in a way. i mean i consider myself an introvert~ but like. everyone needs social interaction sometimes, i guess.
anyway. yeah im pretty sure he likes me or at least thinks im cute or something and that scares me a lot because he surely must be delusional because???? me? pretty? umm lol. idk. its kinda nice and usually he only glances for a second (i catch it out of the corner of my eye) but today when i was looking at the board (but half looking at him from my peripheral view) he glanced over but didnt look away for a few seconds. which is a lot of seconds when someones just watching you (that sounds creepy but its kinda cute and like............ i do the same thing if i think someones really interesting or beautiful or good looking l ma o) yeah i felt so....... exposed. please stop looking me but also please dont stop i feel like i exist for once and i hate inhabiting a Physical form and existing in general but when other people see you, that can be nice sometimes
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also i got accepted into college lmao i forgot to mention that. i got rejected from my top choice actually which kind of made me cry a lot even though i didn't like the school That much like...... it wasn't my dream school but if i had to choose a first out of the colleges i applied to (a total of 5) it was that one. but yeah i only cried because it made me feel dumb and i don't like rejection and i worked hard on the application and in general the college application process last fall made me so depressed and stressed out! but it's fine i got into my second choice school so cool i guess. i accepted the admissions offer and am going to apply for housing soon! cool
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in general i have felt very nostalgic and reminiscent lately for old memories that i'll never experience again. i also have been writing a bit more lately, but not as much as i'd like to. its just hard to find inspiration and a motive to write when i hate all of it. but i am submitting the poem i wrote about brokeback mountain (see: above) (also i revised it a bit so it's a lot better and also i renamed it lmao. i probably won't post it anytime soon just because it's going to be in a magazine for independent artists, hopefully, but hint it's now called "in silence, in dreams, in isolation" lol. allen ginsberg type shit tbh) and i'm proud that i'm making that step to be more involved in my art and whatever.
also i made an instagram acc strictly for art-related things (i write, play piano, and also talk about books which is art too... so!) its @writergf
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✨ 2.12.19 --
still behind in school! i started my new job last weekend and worked 6 hours satuday, 7 on sunday, and 3.5 hours yesterday. i hated all of it and i am very stressed and my lower back hurts sooo bad. but i am getting paid to suffer so............. cool. ive been very tired lately and everytime i come home from school i am super depressed but Lol. im done with art history boy as of rn and now i really like this other guy ive known for a few yrs and it is a Mess but whatever. i am behind in school and not doing very good and i have lost all motivation!!! super excited to be done with school
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🍊 5.14.19 --
3 months and 2 days later! i still hate school, my classes, my job, etc! i graduate in less than a month and just finished all of my ap exams but i still have to go to school.. kinda dumb but okay. hopelessly infatuated with the same boy ive been talking abt (not art history) and dreading this summer because all ill be doing is working :/ i really hate my job and it has become the main stressor in my life which is.. kinda bad. schools killing me? i turned 18 last week? idk what else is new but im in a very transitory state rn and am just anticipating graduation & college next fall. this summer is going 2 suck since im not traveling or doing anything interesting except working. would love to have a summer romance or a fling w someone either one.. not ready 4 a relationship anyway yk but like.. someone 2 just have some fun w? cool because im lonely! my grandma is also dying and i strangely dont feel much about it & mothers day last week sent me into a strange crisis about something i cant even verbalize and probably wont ever verbalize. i have been reevaluating my career aspirations and kind of want to teach hs english... sounds bad lol but idk. life is kind of sad rn but ill get over it. i am very bad at letting go (ive learned this for the past 2 years now) and once i find new friends & a new person 2 be in l*ve with ill get over my ex and everything else that i cant seem to let go of as of lately
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💌 11.20.19 --
tomorrow i will have been in college for 3 full months. i can't say i love it and i have felt intensely sad since i've been here. it's really difficult to keep up with my classes and i've just been isolating myself a lot. i'm currently caught up obsessing with this guy i went out with once back in october lol. i really fucking liked him and i don't know why. i matched with him on tinder on october 9th and we texted every day for a little over a week and then went out on a date. i got ghosted promptly after we went out and it kind of sent me spiraling. i really, really liked him. we clicked so well and i loved talking to him.
he ghosted me for like 3+ days before i finally was like, hey what the fuck? can i please have an explanation. lol. so he was like ""hey mei i think you're great but honestly i think i made the mistake of starting something because i'm really not ready for a relationship right now. nothing personal and i'd still like to be your friend"" (Ok tell me why i could recite the text from memory i think i got it verbatim lol) and so i was like oh. okay that's fine. and i did still want to be friends with him because i think he's really interesting in general and i liked him as a person, you know?
and so for the next several weeks up to now we've barely talked at all and a lot of times he wouldn't reply when i'd snapchat him or text him, etc etc. we've had like one or two, maybe three empty convos on like ig that last like a few minutes before he would stop replying. when we do text a bit it's not the same and it feels awkward. he views my instagram stories 90% of the time and i stalk his twitter all of the time. i check his spotify to see what artists he's listened to recently. he made me a playlist back when we had been talking and i've been listening to phoebe bridgers nonstop because of him. i miss how he used to talk to me.
yesterday at like 2am he texted me on like snapchat lol (like the messenger? which i hate bc you can see when they're typing, etc) and he was like also are u okay ur twitter is emo LMAO . it made me really uncomfortable and like. i know he follows my twitter, obviously, so like i'm aware he can see my tweets and stuff but i never really thought he actually looks at my twitter or whatever. u know. and the shit i would tweet would just be like idk. i didn't think it was that concerning but then i read it over after this happened and i was like oh maybe that's concerning to some people when i'm like i haven't eaten in a day and i haven't slept lmfaoo. so yeah. funny thing is he just hasn't opened my reply at all and it's been over a day so i'm like. why even ask if you don't care lol
classes have been unbearable. i only have a few weeks left of the semester. i'm beyond tired. i feel guilty and like i'm not doing enough. my grades aren't great and i feel really fucking burned out. i miss feeling happy and i don't know if i've ever been happy to begin with lol. i'm just holding onto next week b/c it's thanksgiving so hopefully i'll. recharge lol
