Our Shared Shelf discussion

Hi everyone!

My name is Jonathan, a Filipino book blogger who recently joined the Moderators of Our Shared Shelf. I am looking forward to learning more about feminism, gender, and all the enriching discussions we'll have in the group! When I was in college, my thesis was about Gender and Development implementation in our university system and it really opened my eyes up on the issues of inequality.

To start things off, I was thinking that we all had our fair share of fears and of the small act of bravery we did to conquer the fear and make even the smallest of change in our life. But from that miniscule change, we realize that with baby steps, we can make a huge difference.

So, with that in mind, I am making this thread inspired by Reshma Saujani's TED talk and book Brave, Not Perfect, wherein she discusses that women are led to believe that they should be perfect and guys should be brave in their upbringing. But all of us can be BRAVE!

I would love for you to share a brave moment that made a small/big change in your life! I want every one of us to inspire each other to take that leap of faith!
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Here is mine:

When I was in high school, I have always made the facade of being the "strong guy." I did everything any normal guy would do even having full knowledge that with my physique, it is nearly impossible. I wanted acceptance. College came and I learned that I have my own voice and that I can speak up. I ran for the Student Council fully aware that I am becoming an open book and that people can and will become my judge. But, I won the run and became the Treasurer for 2 consecutive years. It was the hammer that took down the wall of shame that I carefully built in order to not let anyone have the chance to shame me. Looking back, I would not have been as confident as I am today if I never let go of the idea that I should only be on my comfort zone. What I want you all to learn from this story is that you should never fear what others think of you. You should have the courage to speak and you know yourself more than anyone else!

I stood in front of a panel of collegiate athletic leaders and explained in detail, multiple times, where my coach touched me, how he coerced me and why I didn't report earlier.

By taking down my coach, I also removed all hope for the season that my team would make it to championships and all of the extra funding he brought in that would allow us new equipment. As captain, I had to explain to my teammates, without being honest as to why they were benched for the year and why their scholarships were gone and any hope of finishing out their athletic career now gone. Then, to make it worst, I had to take summer classes because I flunked out of all mine while all this crap was going down. And the best part, his daughter sat with me, upset and forlorn as to why her father was put on suspension and I under the regulations of the internal assessment couldn't explain to her the sins of her pervy father.

To escape justice, the bastard committed suicide. To which I was asked by his grieving daughter to sit with her at his funeral, because I was the only person she knew from the team. I sat in the back, crying my eyes out about all of it. Finally breaking down. She hugged me after, saying I must have truly cared to be so emotional.

I lost 20 lbs, I was emaciated, anorexic, abandoned by those who I had worked for years with who I thought were my family, and developed a helpful habit of cutting to deal with all of the tears I couldn't shed in front of others. My dad told me I just had to keep my mouth closed for 1 more semester and then I would have had a free ride. Just one more semester. And I also went through a huge period wondering was I made captain because I earned it, or was I made captain because he wanted to have those after practice sessions and excuses why I needed to come to his place on weekends to pick up "drill sheets"

So, yeah, I'm so glad you learned how to speak up for yourself.

You were very brave to share your experience when you were in college, and you are brave to share it here. I am sorry your dad did not understand the trauma you experienced. I was abused as a child, and I have had to accept that some relatives say hurtful things because they truly don't understand. I know how it hurts when that happens. I hope you have found better ways to deal with the pain than harming yourself.

Ella wrote: "I stood in front of a panel of collegiate athletic leaders and explained in detail, multiple times, where my coach touched me, how he coerced me and why I didn't report earlier.

By taking down my..."

You are amazing and very brave to share your experience here. It is saddening to know that this happened to you. I am appalled by how your coach was like that. But know that we are all here, willing to listen to you always.

Jonathan wrote: ".But know that we are all here, willing to listen to you always.."

Well good. Because I want you to listen very closely. This whole thread is tone-deaf. Let me explain why.

You come into OSS, in a position of authority as a moderator, and then ask the population of majority women, how they were brave.

That would have been just enough to raise some hackles.

A complete stranger who has never posted anything before except a hello, coming in here and asking everyone to share something about themselves... That's community building. It would have been fine if you left it at that...

But no, you, a self identified former "strong guy" came in, as a stranger, and ask us not "what it means to be brave"

To which you would understand that brave means: "ready to face and endure DANGER or PAIN; showing courage."

A complete stranger wanted us to spill our guts about something that put us in danger or caused us pain. To open up and to expose ourselves to you.

And then you attempt to share with us this small moment from your life.

Now, let me first be clear to everyone reading: dealing with social anxiety is difficult. Giving voice to your opinion AND being positively rewarded for it is a fine accomplishment.

But in this context of again- complete stranger, strong guy, asking a majority of women to expose their deep dark stories- and you share that story? And then you share a story where you are rewarded. Not just rewarded, but it brought you upward mobility.

Now compare that to your audience.

Who have lived with being shamed or a angirly called out for their actions, over and over again. If not daily by those they live with, then by those they work with, or by those in society. Weened from childhood on what constitutes a "good girl" who is quiet, pretty, and who is empathic to all. Who have been violently attacked (by "strong men") for speaking out. By catcalling, mansplaining, rape jokes, death threats, etc. Or killed because of the so called friend zone. Or for those who acted not for our own selves but because we were trying to protect our siblings, our children or those who were going to be captain after us, etc. Who live with scars: emotional, mental, or physical that still weep.

Many of us weren't and still aren't positively rewarded for being brave.

I highly recommend you read over the threads all over OSS. Understand your audience. Have you read any of the books on our bookshelf? That's a good place to start.

And I highly recommend you add your thoughts and comments around here so that your audience can get to know you, not as this "strong guy" who wants to know when we were frightened but as a fellow book lover. As an ally.

And then maybe we might share with you.

Ella wrote: "Jonathan wrote: ".But know that we are all here, willing to listen to you always.."

Well good. Because I want you to listen very closely. This whole thread is tone-deaf. Let me explain why.
"

My two cents: I felt rather conflicted reading the thread prompt (Jonathan's first post) . To me, it asks one thing but speaks of another, in blatant contradiction.

I also completely failed to interpret the offered example as a proposition of empathy with the community.

I did, however, decide to contextualize it as an issue with best intentions getting lost in translation, be it cross-cultural and/or across language. Boiling global nuances down to plain English as we try and do here is a feat - entire careers can be devoted to this thing we are doing sparingly on our spare time.

And in typing, of all things. Speaking of tone-deaf yes indeed, it is very likely that it can go wrong. All we can get by way of inflection is that little blue line on top of the comment box saying "(some html is ok)", Thank goodness for small mercies ;-)

All in all, when I feel confused or startled in here I find it good measure to try and bend my own bias, and choose to error on the side of kindness.