The Hopefuls discussion

Starting today, everyday for the next year I am going to write a journal entry about everything i feel and think about during the day. I have problems with self esteem, depression, and anxiety. I have been recovering a bit but I still have really bad days. I thought it might be helpful for me to write things out and share them with people. I think it would be a good idea if people got a first hand acount of what it's like to feel this way, and maybe it will even help them out as well. So here's a sneak peak of that.

Wow it is so nice of you to share this with people :D

I think today was a good day, it's been a while since i've had one of those. My emotions were stable, I didn't get anxious or depressed. I felt content. I woke up early so I could wake my sister up for school. I hadn't slept well because it was so hot but that was alright. I was used to not sleeping well. After everyone was awake and dressed we headed out. We dropped my sister off at school, and then I decided my mom, dad and I should go out for breakfast. I got paid yesterday so I had a decent bit of money. We went and got our breakfast and then started on our errends. I was still feeling okay. I enjoy spending time with my parents because I don't have to hide. They know what's wrong with me. Dad made me laugh a lot. we went to walmart and he put on a lot of the halloween masks they had up already, and chased me down the isle. He's kind of nerdy and goofy like me so it was pretty cool.Mom just laughed at us. She's really good about just kind of going along with it now. We finished up our errends and headed home. By the time we got home i had about an hour to get ready for my college classes. I changed my clothes feeling a little annoyed with myself. I had sweat a little bit in the clothes I had on because of the heat outside but nothing bad, it would have been fine to wear to school. I just couldn't get it out of my head though that the kids would say something behind my back, so I changed. I packed my things right after so I couldn't give myself time to argue with myself and change again. Getting to school was uneventful and my first class was fun. I always enjoyed history. It was after my first class today that things got a little hard. I was alone for the next 4 hours. It didn't take me long to eat lunch and then I didn't have anything to do. I looked around me in some small hope that I would see a familiar face. Of course I didn't, it's not like I knew that many people. If it had been my first semester THEY would be with me...but that's not happening again. I made my way to the rec room and walked in. I got a flew glances my way but i couldn't help but to look at my feet as I walked. I hoped I looked okay, which was stupid. It's not like they really cared. I glanced to the other side of the room to see the usual group of boys playing, I think it was smashbrothers, I wanted to go over and ask to play. But I walked past them, I always walked past them. Still, I imagined several scenarios in my head where I went over, confident, and played with them sometimes winning. I didn't have the courage to do it today. I sat at my usual table and took a deep breath. Another memory of HER being with me made me sigh. We used to sit here and listen to music, or watch videos together. But she was living her life now, and I was still alone. I opened my laptop and argued with myself for a good ten minutes about playing music outloud or with headphones. Maybe if I could find the right music the other people would think I was cool and come talk to me. I clenched my fists hard. I was being stupid, they didn't know me and they didn't care. I popped in my headphones and put my rock music on and started to study for the test I was going to have later today. A good two hours passed this way before I decided to pack mystuf up and walk around a bit. I needed to stretch and head over towards my next class anyway. By that point it was cloudier outside and my mood had dropped a bit. It's hard walking around the campus alone sometimes. I keep seeing all of they places where me and HER used to hang out. Remembering something different for each spot that I walked by. If she wwere at this school i wondered if it would be like it used to. Easy. I knew she'd walk me to my next class, or me to hers. We always did. I made it to my class to find it had been cancelled. I was too tired to be annoyed. I called my brother to come pick me up. Waiting on my brother I thought about visiting the spot. I wondered how different it would feel now. I wondered if I could stand as close to the edge today as I did then. I remembered how bad I hurt, How I was just a step away from ending it all. She was there.. I decided against it and headed to the parking lot to wait on my brother. I had thought about some really upsetting things today. But I never actually GOT upset. Just tired, and lonly. I've thought a lot today too. Things have improved so much since then. I've come a long way, but even so I feel like i'm stuck somewhere. I gave, what I thought, was some good advice to some hopefuls today online. It's things I just recently learnt myself, and even though it sounded like I was confident, I only half felt it. I'm sorry for that. They seem so nice and I hope they know I was sensere. But it's hard to feel fully confident in giving advice to someone that I find hard to follow myself. How easily I forget sometimes my own advice. I'm annoyed with myself for basing my worth on the non exsistent opinions of other people today. I should have worn whatever I wanted to, and played whatever music I liked. I should have forgotten about old memories and just went on with my life. I shouldn't have let myself think about the things I did. I shouldn't be so scared about writing this, about letting people see how insicure I am. I shouldn't be holding back tears everytime I think i'm doing what's best for myself. I shouldn't feel so pathetic writing this. But I do, and as long as I expose myself like this i'm going to feel vulnerable. I know this. But I still want to cry. I guess old habits die hard.

Okay I have tried twice to reply but twice somehow the page has reloaded or something. Maybe fate was telling me not to share what I was going to share? I am frustrated and don't want to type out all of that again so I am going to try again later. Ugh -__-; (okay just typed it again and it isn't short haha xD it may be a tad different from my other two attempts but hey I kind of like how I worded this one better)

Anyways here is the short version. Thank you for sharing this. I have similar feelings. When I go out in public I feel like everyone is making fun of me and judging me. I will tug at my clothes, mess with my hair, bite my nails out of nervousness, if my nails are too short to bite I will even go as far as biting the skin that is around my nails... it hurts but I can't quit and that just makes me feel worse. Nervous habits. I know the majority of people don't care and probably don't even notice me. And if they do I am just another stranger, something in the background, just another human. And even if someone was to think something awful or make fun of me behind my back, it would just be a fleeting moment, a moment of ignorance on their part. But even though I know people don't notice me and if they do they don't care, I still feel like everyone is still judging me. Like I KNOW in my brain not every single person I have ever seen has judged me and will continue to judge me harshly... I know that... but I FEEL like they do. And even though I know and understand I can't stop the feelings. I wish I could. And I have problems with remembering memories too. For example my brain will just choose a bad memory and just keep pressing the replay button. When I try to press stop my brain will slap my hand away. My brain will yell at me and point out all of the mistakes I made, all of the flaws, all of the could-have-happened-s. If my brain could print out and staple up a hand out listing everything wrong I did and highlighting and reinforcing all of my insecurities and hand it to me it would. My brain would have all of the embarrassment and everything all in one hand out making another hand out for a different memory it may show me next week at about midnight right before I fall asleep. And after the memory has stopped haunting me, I feel like crap. I feel worthless. I don't know how to stop these toxic feelings and thoughts. All of this doesn't happen everyday but it happens enough to be awful. I am going to quit sharing now. I feel like a blubbering fool. And I am still kind of frustrated my last two attempts were erased forever by the slightly accidental press of a button -__-; I feel really anxious and insecure right now. I am going to share this anyway though. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. It helps to know I am not alone and it is good to see another person's point of view. It is so brave of you to share. And to write one everyday... just so brave of you to do that even if you don't share all of them. This is going to help so many people, including you and myself :D So thank you. And I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts and stuff as well, I don't want to like steal your thunder or anything... I just thought this would help make you feel better and encourage you to keep this going ya know? It sounds like something you are passionate about doing. Anyway I am going to quit rambling, I feel really stupid and anxious and stuff sooooooooo yeah. Thanks. I hope you have a lovely day. :) <3

Oh sweety thanks. It meant so much to me to read your responce and I'm so sorry that your last two attempts got messed up. You explained yourself very well. I was worried that what I was writing wouldn't come across as bad as I felt. I relate so much to the nervous habits. EVERY DAY I fight myself changing my clothes 5 or 6 times, fixing my hair every couple of minutes, adjusting my clothes. I know in my head that noone cares, but like you said I FEEL this need to try to be perfect. It's maddening and it makes me feel so pathtic. I feel like i'm just being self obsorbed and it's really not the case. I'm just trying to be normal. I know what you mean when you said you feel anxious because of what you shared. I was trying not to cry when I was typing that all up. Sharing how you feel, and the things you go through leave you vulnerable. to both sympathy and attacks from people who do and don't understand. By sharing with me you gave me even more hope. Hope that my book will really rach people, hope in not just myself, but yourself as well. I hope you know how brave YOU were in doing this. Fell free to share as much as you want to. Or even to message me privatly if you feel the need to dicuss something less public. I'm always here. And if you have questions feel free to ask as well. Thank you so much. <3

Macayla wrote: "Oh sweety thanks. It meant so much to me to read your responce and I'm so sorry that your last two attempts got messed up. You explained yourself very well. I was worried that what I was writing wo..."

Aww, you are so sweet! Thank you <3 It just feels so good to talk to people who know what it is like to feel this way. You did an amazing job conveying your feelings and thoughts. Yeah I know what you are saying about the feeling self-absorbed thing. Like it is hard to explain... it is like people think you are being self-absorbed and all you care about is you yet it is the opposite in your head (becasue me personally I really care about other people and goodness knows I am too emphatic for my on good... I am just scared of people's perceptions of me and their thoughts about me...but here it goes again I sound self-absorbed when I put it in words...) even though the actions come across as self-absorbed... because it can seem like that... yeah it is hard to explain xD You explained it well "I'm just trying to be normal". And aww honey I feel bad you almost cried, I know the feeling though. When you pour your thoughts and soul and emotions on a page for the world or even one person to see it can rattle you a bit... but crying is important sometimes I think... I think it can show you that you are doing something worthwhile. Your book will be so amazing and just know you have a supporter right here :D Thank you. And same here, feel free to private message me if you ever want or need to talk about anything :) You are doing an amazing thing here :D

Today was an interesting day. I think I might have improved. I woke up this morning in a good mood. I was excited for the day and after having such a good response to my first entry I was ready to put more effors into the day. I was feeling constructive, and so I went through all of my things before work. I got rid of old school papers, old notebooks, binders, keepsakes, just anything that I still held onto that wasn't any longer a part of who I was, or who I wanted to be. When I looked around my room after I was finished I felt lighter. Like some sort of weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I never noticed it untill it was gone, but holding on to all of those old things weighed me down. When It was gone, I felt like I had space to grow. I felt like I had room for building on my recovery. (I guess here I should make something clear.) I keep saying recovery. And i'll probably continue to use the term. I was never clinically diagnosed with depression, or anxiety. But it wasn't hard to tell I had it. I spent most of my nights crying, and I was having anxiety attacks almost anytime I was near more then a handful of people. I even hurt myself a few times. My depression and anxiety was making me physically ill. And one day in the middle of my college math class, I decided it was too much. I got up leaving my phone, laptop, books, everything exactly where they were. I made my way outside. My class set on the third floor of the college I attend. Just outside of the doors is a sitting area with a little ledge on it. There is a safety bar there but hardly an obsticle. I got up on the edge and stood on the bottom ring of the safety bar and looked down. I hurt so bad at the time that the only thing I thought about was how long it would take me to fall. And if I'd regret it on the way down. I tilted over the bars a bit. And I stopped. I was sobbing by this point. I wanted it, the fall, the pain, the end. I wanted so badly to just tilt a little further and give it all up. but even then I couldn't do it. The second of hesitation I took was all I needed for me to think about my family. I knew they loved me, and the thought of hurting them, dissapointing them, was terrible. I staggered back and collapsed on the ground sobbing. I was digging my nails into my skin and biting back the screams in my throat. I wanted to give up so badly, but even at my lowest point i was still concerned with being a bother to others. I was still conerned about what they would think even though me ending it would put a stop to that. I sobbed because I was so pathetic. I couldn't do just this one thing to make all the pain and pressure go away. How could I kill myself and then leave my family to despair. They'd know how screwed up I was. How pathetic and useless I was and that scared me more then anything. Even know it's confusing and I hate myself for it...so yes, as confusing as it is..I see every day after that, stepping away from the ledge, confessing what i almost did to my parents, confessing it to my friends, to stangers, I see it all as recovery. Anyway...getting rid of all of the negative things that tied me to anything i wanted to forget or get past felt great. Healing. And then I went to work. The minute I got there I wanted to go home. We were really busy and I had to clock in early. I've been having a hard time with dealing with the people at work because working is a grocery store is emotionally draining. At least it is to me. The customers are often really mean, and recently my bosses have been really rude. Today was no different. I had to deal with customer after customer, and everytime I messed up my boss spoke to me in a tone that made me feel like i was beneath them. Like they were annoyed and dissapointed in the fact I couldn't just fix whatever problem was in front of me. Halfway into my shift I was fighting tears. On the outside i was smiling, asking and responding to all of the right questions. But on the inside I wanted to scream. I was trying so hard to hide the fact that human interaction scared me. I wanted to go home and hide. The more and more upset I got, the more scared I felt. What if they could see my anxiety? What if they could tell I was self consiouse, or scared? What if they laughed at me? What if they were angry with me? What if they thought I was as pathetic as I felt? I try so hard to put a mask on, but every customer who snapped at me, or every time my boss made a remark about how i was doing something wrong, it was all i could do not to lose it. Or apologize. Because i was sorry, i'm still sorry that i'm not okay. that I don't know how to handle being around people. That i'm scared of exposing how vulnerable I am all the time. Talking about it now is fine, because i'm hiding. I'm behind a screen where I don't have to see a reaction face to face. But the harder i try to hide my anxiety in public, the easier it is to see, and the fear made me feel sick most of my shift. But i'm home now. As soon as I was home and with my famiily I was happy. I took a relaxing shower and took a minute to sit down and breath and I was fine. I remembered the new friends I made, the progress I made before work, and the fact I was home and safe made a world of difference. I sang and danced around a bit, a joked with my family, and listened to music that made me happy, I relaxed and describing all of this brought my mood down a bit. But i'm still okay. I've had a hard day but despite that I also made progress, I didn't let it beat me, where normally i would have had an anxiety attack I didn't even cry. I'm proud of myself.

Macayla wrote: "Today was an interesting day. I think I might have improved. I woke up this morning in a good mood. I was excited for the day and after having such a good response to my first entry I was ready to ..."

Oh my goodness I am sitting here crying ;__;. Let me just say I am so glad you are still alive...just so glad!!! I know I am just someone you haven't met in real life but I feel we are friends ya know? We have talked on here and in private message and you are just such an amazing person. I am so glad you are here :)
I am sorry work is so hard for you. You are so brave for having a job though, especially one with a lot of interaction with people. I currently don't have a job because of my anxiety, but soon I am going to be looking for one. Maybe you could ask to be moved to a part of the store with little people interaction? Like maybe working behind the scenes like in the back or storage? I am sure they would consider your request. It sounds like you work hard and do your best. You are so brave for having that job.
I am glad you felt constructive today, I love that having that feeling :) And it is nice to clear out the physical space, I guess in a way it also clears out some mental space as well xD I am so glad you are recovering. You have know idea... just knowing someone who has gone through what you have gone through is getting better and having happy moments just makes me so happy. I am so proud of you! Also have you considered seeing a therapists? I have heard it can help. I am considering going to one myself at some point. Maybe they can help. Talking to people can help a ton with stuff like anxiety and depression. And yes I know that there is the occasional therapist that is awful and are insensitive or just don't do their job correctly (in the past I had one of those and it scared me from going to another, but my best friend has an amazing therapist who has helped her so so so much and it has giving me more faith... plus considering I want to be a therapist when I get older I kind of needed to know that there a good therapist out there xD ), but there a loads of really nice and helpful ones too. But it is your choice. It seems you are recovering and doing better :)
I am glad your day got better once you got home. And congrats on not having an anxiety attack, those are the worst. So glad you are making progress. We are all so proud of you as well! (Also have you considered putting the date in front of your entries? It might make it easier to keep everything organized. Just a little suggestion. Love that your 365 project is going well.) I hope you have a lovely day! :) <3

(Day 3) Today was a long day. I woke up at 5:30 this morning feeling really weak. I felt dizzy, and like my legs might give out at any point. And while I feel stronger, I still feel sick to my stomach and really tired. I was really glad that my college class was only one hour today. After I got home I spent most of my evening watching movies and netflix with my family. I was off of work today, and so i've had a lot of time to think about things. People are really frustrating. Noone ever just sais what they feel. We feel so many strong feelings, and yet so much goes unsaid. So many opportunities missed, so many relationships broken or passing us by because we are too shy, or too nervous, or scared. We feel like we're not good enough, or not worth it. But some of the best relationships are formed between people who are good enough because they are TOGETHER. There are billions of people in the world, and somehow some of us feel like we will never going to find anyone. How silly is this if you think about it. Anyway i've just been thinking, about advice i've gotten, advice i've given, and how it ties into this. Our lives are our own. our choices our lessons, or faults, our qualities, our dreams, our fears, are not unique to us alone. Billions of people guys. BILLIONS. But never had we have a more lonly generation. I'm tired of missing opportunities. I'm tired of passing people by and wandering what their story is. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of being alone. So i've made it up in my head to embrace my faults, to push myself asmuch as I can. I think we all should. I want to find love in a world of silences. (not really a life update just some rambelings in my head)

Macayla wrote: "(Day 3) Today was a long day. I woke up at 5:30 this morning feeling really weak. I felt dizzy, and like my legs might give out at any point. And while I feel stronger, I still feel sick to my stom..."

I am sorry you didn't feel well today :( Feel better soon.

And wow that was so inspirational! And so true! I am guilty of letting things go unsaid and feeling like I am not good enough for anyone :/ But I remember some times when I haven't been that way and it changed my life, for example in the fifth grade a new girl came to school. She sat behind me and I remember turning around to talk to her. Ever since then we have been best friends... we have been best friends for a decade. I know we just went on a cool day trip yesterday and it was so fun. Thanks you for sharing your thoughts on this. I will try to improve on this and try to be more open as well, I know it will be hard but it will be worth it I think :D

Ashley wrote: "Macayla wrote: "Today was an interesting day. I think I might have improved. I woke up this morning in a good mood. I was excited for the day and after having such a good response to my first entry..."

oh gosh hun i'm sorry I made you cry. You're very sweet. Your ideas are considerate and i've thought of them all actually. But finding a spot in my job where I deal with less people has never been an option for me. I refuse to let my anxiety dictate my life. I refuse to let it decide how I live, and what opportunities I get to have. If it means pushing myself till I break sometimes then that's a consequence i've chosen to live with. I'll never get past this if i baby the issue. And I was going to see a therapist, but money and scheduling issues never let it happen. I'm kind of glad i never saw one though. It made me look for other means to help myself. I've come to realize that there is a lot in this world to be happy and thankful for. There are a lot of natural anti depressents and insperations if you're willing to open yourself up to them. I've found music, books, hobbies, people and experiences that I feel I would have never found if I had went the therapy route. Not to say there is something wrong with therapy. I mean a person should go for whatever they feel will help them when they need it the most. This just happens to be mine. But thank you so much for your faith in me. And I can see that you're improving as well. I hope your therapy career does wonderful things for both you and the people you help. I'm very greatful for your feedback and support. <3

Ashley wrote: "Macayla wrote: "(Day 3) Today was a long day. I woke up at 5:30 this morning feeling really weak. I felt dizzy, and like my legs might give out at any point. And while I feel stronger, I still feel..."

I'm guilty of it as well. I hide a lot of things from people, and so i feel very lonly. But I really want to work on it. And I can't tell you how happy it's making me that you want to work on it as well. I hope with all of my heart that it brings you great, wonderful, and maybe educational experiences. ^_^

Macayla wrote: "Ashley wrote: "Macayla wrote: "Today was an interesting day. I think I might have improved. I woke up this morning in a good mood. I was excited for the day and after having such a good response to..."

Wow you are just so strong and brave. Good for you! I never really thought of it as babying the issue but now that you mention it, it is... so thanks for opening my eyes to that, I have a lot to think about now xD You are so right, it is best to push yourself than to hide away. Wow thanks... never thought of it that way so this was great for me to read :) And I know I have found hobbies and things that help me as well, unfortunately my best friend has those things too but still needs to see a therapist to feel better and stuff. I think I may not need one though, depends on how I can handle work and stuff I guess? Idk but for now I think I am fine without one :) And I am glad you have been able to find hobbies and things that help you :) That is so awesome. You are so sweet, I start classes in January I think so I am excited. Stay strong and keep up the good work, looks like your 365 project is going well. :)

Macayla wrote: "Ashley wrote: "Macayla wrote: "Today was an interesting day. I think I might have improved. I woke up this morning in a good mood. I was excited for the day and after having such a good response to..."

And also I can understand the money issue as well :( I am glad you found other options though that is so awesome :). Money issues was also one of the reasons I quit going to my last therapists... well also along with that therapists being awful...

Macayla wrote: "Ashley wrote: "Macayla wrote: "(Day 3) Today was a long day. I woke up at 5:30 this morning feeling really weak. I felt dizzy, and like my legs might give out at any point. And while I feel stronge..."

Thank you! I have been trying to open up recently and it is hard but it seems to be working. Like for my friend's birthday I wrote a card for her filled with emotions and sappy stuff and she loved it and it made her feel nice to know how much I care about her. Usually I would just draw her a goofy card but this was so much better. And I wish the same for you as well. :)

( September 5, 2014 day 4-5)I don't know how to feel like i'm not the reason for any bad thing that has ever happened between me and an another person. I'm so convinced that i'm the cause for every argument, every akward silence, every word unsaid to one another. And I guess in some way it's true. My fear of trusting people has lead me to lose people very close to me. It's caused me to lose the first love of my life, and although we still talk, we still care for eachother, nothing will ever be the same. Knowing it's so hard for me to trust people scares me. I'm practically begging the universe to give me someone who would love me no matter how screwed up I am. I need someone who will fight everyday to be with me, because i'm not entirely sure that I can get better. I keep up this strong game that i'm doing fine, that i'm doing better with being around people. But sometimes all I can think about is the fact that I have never felt so alone. I have never felt so scared, and vulnerable and weak as I do now. I can tell myself that logically I don't have to feel this way. My family, and my friends all care about me. They trust me, support me, and are here for me in any way that I need them to be. But I don't know how to need them. I'm always so ashamed of who i've been. Of who I still am. I don't know how to deal with the fact that i'm broken. I have ALWAYS been this girl who has helped other people. The girl who has helped everyone stay on their feet, and I don't always know how to own up to the fact that i'm treading water, and sometimes I wish I'd just drown. I don't know how to get my heart to feel what my mind is screaming at me. I don't know how to stop questioning every good thing that has ever happened to me, like it was just some sort of dream. I don't know how to stop talking myself out of almost every opportunity for happiness that I have ever had. I don't know how to force myself to move on from a relationship with someone that I will never have again. I don't know how to do this. At least not today I don't. I'm not strong today, I'm barely holding it back. And i'm not okay.

Macayla wrote: "( September 5, 2014 day 4-5)I don't know how to feel like i'm not the reason for any bad thing that has ever happened between me and an another person. I'm so convinced that i'm the cause for every..."

Aww :( Sending hugs your way. Maybe for a little bit instead of being the girl who has always helped other people you can be the girl who has always helped herself? Maybe make it a nice balance of both? And yes I know it is easier said than done, honestly I have no idea how I would personally go about doing that but maybe it is worth a shot? Try to start training your brain to see what you can do for yourself before you help others? I know it may be hard but it sounds like you give all of yourself away and leave nothing for yourself. Don't get me wrong it is so nice that you help people, but maybe you need to save some for yourself as well? I don't know how to make that feeling of brokenness or loneliness or fear go away... I wish I knew though. I honestly think this is probably the worst advice ever because it sounds so easy but I know it will be hard putting all of these in to practice or even figuring out how to start doing these things. :/ There are a lot of things I don't know but I am willingly to look like a fool trying to give advice to a friend than stay quiet. And I don't think you are the cause for every bad thing that happens, remember a relationship between any person,family, friend, romantic, etc, takes BOTH of those people. If something goes bad, BOTH people have some part in it somehow. If something goes good, BOTH people have some part in it somehow. I am rambling now I guess, and yes I know that I have no idea what I am talking about but... maybe this has at least made you feel better? I hope so... I try to be helpful. And it is okay to have bad days and to not be okay. Just keep looking towards tomorrow. Just remember there will be happy times and good days around the corner. I truly believe that... Nervous about posting this because I am convinced this won't be helpful :/

Ashley wrote: "Macayla wrote: "( September 5, 2014 day 4-5)I don't know how to feel like i'm not the reason for any bad thing that has ever happened between me and an another person. I'm so convinced that i'm the..."


Aww hun, don't be worried about your advice. I'm basically opening up myself to people on here, any advice is one i'm willing to take. And yours is very helpful. It's things I try to convince myself to do, but hearing it from another person helps to strengthen it in my mind. Any attempt you make to help is a good one, so don't worry. Thank you

Emma wrote: "I'm really lookimg foward to reading that you're feeling better every day!"

I'm sorry your message got lost on the chaos here. I'm glad you're excited about reading, thank you. <3

Macayla wrote: "Ashley wrote: "Macayla wrote: "( September 5, 2014 day 4-5)I don't know how to feel like i'm not the reason for any bad thing that has ever happened between me and an another person. I'm so convinc..."

<3

It's been a really long time sense I wrote anything, I told myself that no matter what I would write one entry a day, or at least every other day. I didn't know how hard that was going to be. So much has happened since the last time I wrote anything. Some of it bad, and so much of it good. I thought that it would be a good idea to post it here.

At the start of last week I wasn't doing so well. Depression hit me again, and it's like I lost any motivation I had to do anything. I didn't want to go to work, or school, and I hardly used my laptop to do anything but watch netflix. I slept all the time and my eating habbits became iregular. It wasn't really bad but still, I didn't know how to pull myself out of it. And then 9/11 happened.

I was at school and class let out early so we could attend a special 9/11 tribute ot my school campus if we wanted to. I decided to go. I got there and this man was playing a set of bagpipes. It was beautiful and so sad at the same time. A woman spoke about what happened at 9/11 and why we should pay tribute to those we lost, and then we had a moment of silence. The lady speaking, then said that she would open up the podeium for people who wished to speak on how the felt, or had anything to share with the people. I had no intentions of moving. I was fine crying in the small hidden space that I was in. And while i'm enclined to beleive it was god who made me move, i'm still not sure whYy I went up to that podieum.

I was crying already but speaking in front of all of those people made me want to just burst into tears. When I got up there it was like I couldn't stop talking. I told them I didn't have family there, I wasn't there, and I was really young when it happened. For a long time I was never really educated on the details of the event and every year i was just agrivated. People around the world are being murdered every day in ways a lot worse then what happened at 9/11. But then I watched the videos. I learnt about what happened, but the thing that held my attention the most, is when I watched the videos of the people jumping out of the building. I watched them jump, sometimes alone, sometimes together..holding hands. I watched them jump and I watched as they hit the ground. And I was angry. I was angry because those were OUR people. Those were people in MY country who were dieing. But I was also angry with myself. Almost a year ago I stood on the third floor of my college looking down from a ledge. I was just one step away from making a decision to end my life and ruin the lives of so many of the people I loved. I had a choice. I had a CHOICE. And because I didn't do it, because I tore myself away from the ledge I was here in front of them speaking. I was there to tell them, that if we remember nothing else about the event, the cause, the enemy, we need to remember the victims. They didn't have a choice. They jumped because they had to. Because there were no options for them. Their life was taken away from them, and they had full lives ahead of them, family, friends, and they WANTED to live. I was angry with myself because what right do I have to make that decision when it affects so many more people then just myself. I have options where they did not, The victims DESERVE to be remembered for the lives they lost. I finished speaking, crying and feeling numb. I walked away only to be stopped by hand fulls of people who were in tears over what I said. They all shook my hand, and hugged me. They all thanked me for what I had said and for being an insperation. I was astounded. They told me about how my words meant so much not just to people now, but it was a great thing to say about the victims. They told me I was brave, That I was strong for saying what I did to so many people. And all I could do was cry and say thank you. I didn't expect their reactions. Ididn't expect so many people to come up to me, or anyone for that matter.

But that one event was only the start of my busy busy week. After I got done speaking, I was led away to speak to a councilor so that they could make sure I was alright, and not still feeling like a suicide was an option for myself. An the more I spoke with m councilor, the more we came up with ideas on how I could speak out more because he said I have a way of reaching out and touching people. So I joined the student government association at my college, and I am now being considered as a co guest speaker at a few of the events we have coming up at my college about healthy living, depression, anxiety, ect. They want me to continue to help try to reach and inform students.

Not only that but today I joined the LGBT Pride Group at my school, and they are considering me as a president of the club!! They want me to help reach out and educate people about the LGBT community. Guys I inally feel like i'm making a difference and things are finall looking up. I can't help but to feel as if i'm going to crash, like everything will just come spiraling down and lord I hope it doesn't. But for now i'm just going to be happy that i'm finally getting out there to help.

Macayla wrote: "It's been a really long time sense I wrote anything, I told myself that no matter what I would write one entry a day, or at least every other day. I didn't know how hard that was going to be. So mu..."

I am so proud of you! It takes guts to speak so honestly in front of so many people, you are just so brave. I am honestly crying because what you said was just so inspirational. I am so happy that you are finding ways to speak out and ahh I am just speechless and just so proud! And even though you have that fear of it all crashing down, I think you will be an amazing speaker. And I think most people have that feeling, I mean I would be worried if you didn't because I think that fear shows you that what you are doing is worth fighting and living for :) I hope you become the president of the LGBT Pride Group, that is just so amazing! :D Keep following your heart. It sounds like you are on an amazing path. Thank you also, it helps remind me that speaking out and sharing our feeling and thoughts can help and can make a difference. I don't know what else to say. I am just so happy for you. :D

Thank you so much Ashley.It always means the world to me to see your messages. They are always so encouraging and hopeful! I needed a pick me up and you and the other people who read this mean the world to me. The support I have already really helps me get through my tough days, I am so happy I can reach out to you guys. I wish carrie could see the way that you guys are acting for me right now she would be so proud of you.

I've read your first comment, I think this is a really good idea, I think I might start doing the same because I think it might help me x

Lizzie wrote: "I've read your first comment, I think this is a really good idea, I think I might start doing the same because I think it might help me x"

I tottaly think you should! it's helped me so much. ^_^

Macayla wrote: "Thank you so much Ashley.It always means the world to me to see your messages. They are always so encouraging and hopeful! I needed a pick me up and you and the other people who read this mean the ..."

<3

Guys I might be away from good reads for a bit. I'm not doing so well and I need some time to try to sort things out...I'll hop on to check messages incase any of you guys need me.

Macayla wrote: "Guys I might be away from good reads for a bit. I'm not doing so well and I need some time to try to sort things out...I'll hop on to check messages incase any of you guys need me."

Aww I hope you feel better soon. Take as much time as you need and remember I am always here if you need to talk. Sending loves and hugs your way friend! xxx <3

Things have gotten a bit better, but I still feel pretty down. Last week I had an anxiety attack that lasted for like three days. I couldn't stop crying and getting sick. I've never felt so bad about myself. I missed school and work because of it. And now I just can't seem to make things okay again. Some good things have happened. I've had some great people help cheer me up. But...I just feel so down. I'm being ignored by a lot of the people I thought were my friends. I even had someone tell me that they didn't have time to hang out with me, but then posted tons of pictures of them hanging out with other people, and going to concerts and stuff. I don't have any close friends anymore..my last one basically telling me that she was sick of me and didn't want anything to do with me. I want to be close to someone...and i just feel really alone right now...i'm sorry.

Macayla wrote: "Things have gotten a bit better, but I still feel pretty down. Last week I had an anxiety attack that lasted for like three days. I couldn't stop crying and getting sick. I've never felt so bad abo..."

:o Oh my goodness that is just... I'm speechless. D: Anxiety attacks are the worst :( I remember getting them a lot on my ride to school my senior year. I wish I had advice on that but I ended up doing home schooling my senior year. Probably not the best way I could have handled my anxiety but it worked for me I guess. Just keep breathing and don't feel guilty about having anxiety. I know I always felt so guilty. Just know it is not your fault. :)
People can be so mean sometimes. And you have every right to be upset. Losing friendships is difficult especially when they lie about being too busy for you. I know nothing I will say will make you feel better, but just know that if you ever need me, I am here. Know that you have a friend in me. And yes we haven't been friends for that long, but none the less we are still friends and if you need me I am here. Going through something like this is hard, I know because I have had a similar experience. My experience wasn't as bad but I can understand why you are upset. Anyone would be upset. Time will help. As time goes on you will eventually be able to not let them bring you down. I remember when I was going through stuff like this it seemed like no one cared about me and that I was alone. As time went by I began to care less and less about what my so called "friends" thought of me. I realized that I wasn't alone. I had my family and my two friends. And eventually I made some pretty rad friends online ;) I know the same will happen to you, you will find people who love you and you will be able to feel better with time. I think right now it is okay to be sad and feel alone. It is kind of like mourning a friendship that has ended? Not sure if I explained that well. Not sure if I worded any of this right. I am stuck on what to say really. I am here for you if you need me, but I realize that you probably don't want to talk about it and that is okay as well :D Sending you lots of hugs :) <3