Pakistani Readers discussion

I vividly remember how the group of people surrounded that little girl and bullied her. It was a Sunday morning and the sky was filled with amber and crimson-tinted clouds. The sun was rising over the horizon, its hues illuminating the sky. A blade of light from the cloud-streaked sun sliced through my curtains. I had woken up early and decided to go for a long drive. Little did I know that I would get to experience one of the most unforgettable experiences of my life.

I offered Fajr and set off for the drive. The fresh morning breeze swept past my face as I sped up my car. The roads were empty with almost no vehicles and I was overwhelmed by the peaceful atmosphere. Birds were chirping and greeting each other a beautiful morning.

"Nature is bliss, indeed!" I remarked, admiring the beauty of Islamabad.

Just as I was driving, something caught my eye. I drove past it until I realized that something was wrong, so I reversed the car so see what was happening. In a secluded street, I saw a small girl, aged around 7, as fair as snow. She carried mahogany hair tinged with black highlights, and amber eyes radiating an aura of innocence and pureness.She was encircled by three elderly men with evilness written all over their faces. Without arresting their attention, I drove my car towards the street and parked it at a good distance as to listen to their conversation. My mind entertained some doubts about the guys and I had to clear them up before taking any action. I shifted to the other seat, put the shades on the window, and tried listening to them.

"Hahahaha! You are one beautiful girl." One of them said, raising his eyebrows and guffawing, revealing a set of discolored square teeth.

I stole glances at the girl and the look of horror in her pleading eyes was a sign in itself that she was in trouble and direly needed help.

Hardly had I gotten out of car to rescue her when one of the men started shredding her clothes, and flashed a lopsided grin at his accomplices.

"Lalalala- lalalala" The guy hummed a tone as he knelt down.

"You're a snow white, darling. And I'm here to take you away."

A mischievous look was smeared on his face.

I felt a sudden paroxysm of rage and disgust, the shock robbing me of speech. The hideous guy's booming laugh reverberated through the street as he saw the girl weeping and begging for mercy.

Before he could cross the limits, I rushed the car in the street.
"GET IN THE CAR!" I opened the door.

To my surprise, her reflexes were fast and it took her no time to get in the car, making it look like she has been waiting for me. Because the space was so small, it did not seem possible to get the vehicle through it. Nevertheless, I accelerated the car. If I didn't escort the girl safely out of this area, I would never forgive myself. After reaching a safe distance, I juddered the car to halt. I was breathless and weary to the bone but at that moment, nothing mattered except the safety of both of us. I emerged successful. It felt like one of the games I used to play in childhood, rescuing my character from the thieves and gangsters. I reported everything to police to make sure no other girl faced those monsters.

"Thank you so much!" The girl sobbed. "You don't know what a favour you've done to me. I don't know if I can ever repay this, but please come and meet my family. We are from Gilgit and came on a trip. My parents would love to meet you. I'm Leena, by the way." She flashed a radiant smile which illuminated her face, reminding me of the morning sun.

9/10

7/10

I hoped this was a longer story with some twists and turns. Because this was written so professionally.

4/10

4 points for writing (diction, grammar, and vocabulary, even if slightly conventional and frankly, trite). There's not much of a 'story' here. Whatever was, it was told in the most boring manner possible. I couldn't picture the horror of the scenario much less get indignant about it. Disappointed.

7/10

8.5

6/10.
Could have been extended further. ..

4/10