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Alice's Writing
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Circus De Vente
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message 1:
by
em_panada
(new)
Oct 17, 2014 10:45AM
Oooooo... this is the other one right?
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I don't really have anything but grammar (which is more of an editing deal). You did a really nice job with descriptives though.
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LAPIS!!!! LAPIS!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Omigosh, Alice - I think this is your best idea yet! I'm not trying to....you know. I'm serious! Where'd you get the name from? Circus De Vente. It sounds so awesome! Did you just make it up? Oh Aliceeeeeeeeeeeee :D :D :D :D :D :):):):)
I LOVE IT.
Forget what I said about your other ones - this one. THIS ONE continue, if any, Alice, please!!!
Rubyfirewoods12=^.^= wrote: ":D :D :D :D
LAPIS!!!! LAPIS!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Omigosh, Alice - I think this is your best idea yet! I'm not trying to....you know. I'm serious! Where'd you get the name from? Circ..."
I think that the name is from the group "Cirque de Vent" which she joined....
LAPIS!!!! LAPIS!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Omigosh, Alice - I think this is your best idea yet! I'm not trying to....you know. I'm serious! Where'd you get the name from? Circ..."
I think that the name is from the group "Cirque de Vent" which she joined....
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Oh, Alice THANK YOU!
If you seriously finished this and - ohhhhhhhhhhh Alice! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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Just that she might be found!!!!!
O.O - No way! I can't stand suspense - more please!!
Ooooo... beware if strangers o' character...
Nah not really. Just make sure chop up those paragraphs. As for structure, your doing a nice job with details, and descriptives. Lapis is a very interesting character.
I mean 'break it down'. So like for an example: ”Can I interest you in a cup of tea?” Ms. Sally asked.
"Yes."
They left the room. I heard them go down the hallway then down the stairs. Suddenly, "Oh I almost forgot the laundry!” They walked back up the stairs and into the room. I waited for a surprised voice to say, 'Lapis what are you doing?!' Or maybe just, 'Lapis!' But instead I heard silence.Then someone’s hands wrapped around the basket and with a grunt they lifted it.
"This is heavy!” The bin swayed slightly and I prayed she wouldn't drop it. I held my breath as the person carrying the basket - Ms. Sally I assumed- grunted again, and began to walk down the hallway.
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I KNEW SHE WAS GONNA BE SEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a great idea, Alice, and loooooooove the suspense!!!!!! Only things are what Emmeline said! This is such an awesome story!
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I'm enjoying the story but besides what Emmeline mentioned about formatting (because it makes it harder to read without proper formatting) a couple of things struck me. How tiny is this girl, how old even, that she can fit in a laundry basket without being seen and actually be lifted?
And she mentioned falling down stairs, supposedly still inside, but leaving her bag on "the ground by the basket". Did you mean the floor?
What will become of poor Lapis, I wonder?
Somehow, I knew it! Post more Alice! I need to know what happens next!
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Haha, you meant assess, not asses, right?
