Aspiring Writers Group...a creative writing group discussion

So I've been working on a book for the better part of two years, this is part of chapter 5 book 1 I believe. Tell me what you think? The story is below... :)

She kept thinking about what she had seen on that computer and how those men showed up at the park only hours later. On one hand, she couldn’t help but wish she were sitting at a computer right now to dig deeper and learn more. What was the SCA? Why did they know about her and Brian?

But on the other hand, she wanted to wipe it all from her memory, run away from it all, and find some peace and quiet. More and more, she knew heading back to the Winkles was a good idea. Maybe they would open up to them this time—tell them their life story. Or at least the few parts they themselves knew about it.

At that moment, the bus came to a complete and sudden halt, tires squealing. It veered over so fast, the front tires hopped the curb. Several passengers gasped and gripped their seats.

Heart racing, Brianna quickly glanced out the window. An armored black van with darkened windows came screeching to a halt alongside the bus, blocking it from pulling back onto the street. At the same time, an identical van careened right in front of the bus, almost swiping the fender. And right behind them, another van came screaming up so fast and so close that Brianna braced herself for an impact that miraculously never came.

Brianna looked out the window again. They were on some side street in an abandoned industrial area. No one was in sight. It was the perfect place for an ambush—no witnesses.

And then the bus door opened with a whoosh. That was when her heart stopped. Two men were boarding the bus—the two men from the park. Brianna noticed that they had very large daggers strapped and holstered to their sides.

Things were escalating fast.

A third man entered behind them. Like the others, he was wearing tactical pants, a black shirt, and dog tags. Physically, he was not nearly as imposing as the other two, but he was clearly the one in charge. It didn’t take special mental gifts to realize that. He exuded both rugged strength and confidence—cockiness, more accurately.

His head was shaved, though he had scruffy black facial hair. It was nothing to brag about, which meant he had difficulty growing facial hair. Brianna wondered how long it’d taken him to grow that much.

Examining the rest of the man, she noticed a very large tattoo ran from his elbow down to his wrist. The pattern was possibly tribal. It was hard to tell. The skin underneath was rough—likely scarred.

Bringing her attention back to the man’s face, Brianna now noticed a few scars. He had clearly seen some difficult times. She couldn’t make out his eyes on account of his sunglasses.

“W—w—what’s going on?” the bus driver stuttered.

“Howdy,” the third man said to the bus driver. With a smile, he punched a bus ticket into the fare box. “We just missed you at the last stop—thanks for swingin’ over to pick us up now. This will only take a moment.”

The man took off his sunglasses, breathed on the shades, rubbed them against his chest, then placed the glasses in his pocket. He stared back at the driver before giving him a wink. The man then turned to face the passengers.

Brianna gripped Brian’s arm. Somehow was he still sleeping.

Wake up!

Immediately, Brian woke with a start. He could see the fear in his sister’s eyes. He then looked up front to see why.

Oh my God. It’s them! he thought to her. We’ve gotta get out of here—now!

They both instantly looked behind them. There was an emergency door, but lot of good it would do them with the van practically touching it. There were emergency exits at the top of the window, but there was no way they could scurry out without being seen. They were trapped.

The man held up what appeared to be an ID badge. “My fine and upstanding citizens, my name is Clint Ryan, and I’m with the SCA.”

A cold chill crawled down Brianna’s spine.

The SCA? Brian repeated. Have you ever heard of that?

She gave him a look, as if he had just said the most boneheaded thing. But then, she remembered that she had never told him about what she had seen on the computer.

Yes, she told him simply. She hoped the grave look on her face would be all the detail he needed in the moment.

“Now,” Clint said, making his way down the aisle, “you all may be asking yourself, Why would a SCA operative stop a bus in the ‘burbs on a beautiful Tuesday afternoon? Well, we’re looking for two children.”

Instinctively, several parents reached over and clutched their children closer. Clint noticed.

“No, no—don’t worry, moms and dads. We’re not looking for your children.” He gave a reassuring smile as he passed by nervous, protective parents. “These two children are completely on—their—own.” He drew out each word with each step closer.

Brianna and Brian were trembling as Clint now stood right beside their seat. It was clear he knew they had been in the back the entire time. He smirked down at them. He knew the amount of control he had over the situation.

“No one will even miss them,” he said.

Even through their terror, Brianna and Brian knew he was right. The truth hurt more than if those five-inch daggers had lodged right into their hearts.

“Brianna . . . Brian,” Clint said, pulling off his sunglasses, “it’s time. Let’s go.”

~Ashley~ wrote: "Good job! It's definitely an interesting story :)

Are Brianna and Brian communicating through telepathy?"

Yes! Brianna can actually do a lot more than Brian right now. It would normally be easier to see, I write in Italics when they are communicating telepathically to each other. But I couldn't find the Italics in the comment box. :(

Thanks you guys! I really appreciate the comments. I've been at this story for two years.

Wonderful. Usually I would say keep going. But, you've been working on it for 2 years. Take a little break.

Ⓟⓔⓐⓒⓗⓨ Ⓚⓔⓔⓝ Ⓡⓔⓐⓓⓢ wrote: "Wonderful. Usually I would say keep going. But, you've been working on it for 2 years. Take a little break."

Thanks! I really appreciate the feedback :) I'm more so just editing this story, the bulk of the making the story was already finished about a year ago. Now it's just small edits here and there. I have definitely had my writes block though for sure haha.