Queerspace: An LGBTQ+ Media Watch {and Support Group} discussion
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Help Coming Out
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I so desperately want to come out. I’m tired of hiding who I am, and making up an answer when people ask me, “which guy do you have a crush on?” I shouldn’t have to apologize for the fact that I’m a girl who solely falls for girls. Yet I’ve been questioning A LOT, as is a natural thing to do, whether coming out is something I am truly ready to do. Yes, I have a few family members who are supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, but I also have some relatives who say they are supportive and then have made horribly offensive comments when I told them I liked girls (I have come out to 2 family members and a couple friends so far, but I am posting here because I want to be able to tell everyone.) and I have several who are extremely homophobic.
Why I’m having so much trouble grappling with coming out is because if I said the words “I’m lesbian” I’d have to deal with a lot of questions about how I knew, which girls I like or have liked, and if there was anyone who felt the same way about me as I did about them. And there is. I am in a relationship with the most hilarious, amazing, smart, loyal, supportive, amazing and beautiful girl I have ever met. I love her so, so, so, so, so much, to an extent that it’s not possible for anyone to understand. If I came out, that relationship is not something I would be able to hide easily. And I feel that if I did tell family that I had a girlfriend, they would try to minimize the feelings we have for each other, classifying it as a ‘silly crush’ or something way less serious than it actually is. I worry that people would be at least mildly accepting of my sexuality but not my girlfriend, especially because my immediate family has met her although they don’t know we are together, and certain immediate family members have disproved of her and said rude and inappropriate things.
Hello. I hope someone is listening. (Yes that’s a radio silence reference)
Mod
Make sure you talk to your girlfriend about how you want to go about coming out, especially if she's closeted as well.
I've made a list of things you can do to prepare, gathered some tips (both from me and from other people/resources) and resources and then a list of (what I think is) a good order for who to come out to when.
Things to Do:
1) talk to your girlfriend. be understanding if she doesn't wish to come out, as there are many factors that can influence that.
2) find/consult/join your local GSA or another such LGBTQ+ group.
3) talk to any of the people you've already come out to that support you. tell them about your decision and ask them to have your back.
4) if you are worried about violence or even emotional abuse, make sure you have someplace to go. i don't know if you're dependent on anyone or not, but if you are, make sure there's someplace you can stay if things go badly.
5) learn. if you know any LGBTQ+ folks who are already out, ask them about their coming out process. watch videos, read articles, even memoirs or Q&As from prominent members of the LGBTQ+ community. understanding how the situation should (and shouldn't) be approached is important.
Tips:
-make sure you're calm and prepared, and that whoever you're coming out to is equally so.
-write down key points and rehearse them. there's no need for a script, but being prepared for some of the questions is helpful.
-stay calm even if it goes badly.
-let people know that you're in the process of coming out and that your sexuality is not theirs to share unless you want them to.
-don't tell people you have a girlfriend immediately after coming out. wait until the notion has had time to sink in and they seem to have accepted it.
Resources:
i found this one especially helpful in my own coming out ---> https://www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr...
https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-adv...
Order Recommendations:
1) start with people that you know are actually supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, or people who are members.
2) people you're pretty sure are supportive
3) people whom you're unsure about
4) if you really want to, people who don't support the LGBTQ+ community. with this its best to first talk to them more about queer people and see how much they dislike the community and why.
congratulations on having such a wonderful girlfriend, and I wish you luck on coming out!
From my personal experience there’s probably a 99% chance that someone will try to minimize your feelings towards your girlfriend. Some people might also tell you that you aren’t really gay. My advice for that is to not lie and say “Okay fine I’m straight.” When I did that it didn’t help. I just had to come out all over again and had to endure more “It’s a sin! You’ll go to hell.” You might also be told that you need to come out to certain family members that are homophobic. If that happens you need to stress the point that it’s your choice when and if you tell someone.
My advice on coming out isn’t as good as Geoflame‘s and that’s probably because I suck at it. But I hope that when and if you do come out that it’s an amazing and freeing experience.
I tried to come out to my parents last chirstmas that im genderqueer. Im soley for the girls though. Im adopted so ive been with this fam for about 4 years. But of what ive over heard and seen they are ok with lgbtq people but they don't want there kids to be. My adoptive grandparents shame people for being lgbtq. I also have a girlfriend. She has helped me through the thick and thin. But she is not out either. What should i do?
Mod
no they understood very well because my brother is openly gay
Mod
how have they treated your brother since his coming out? (this may help to determine how they might treat you)
how have they been treating you since this?
Yes.and no they were really suprised.the way they have treatd my brother is intresting they teat him like he is a ticking bomb. If he does one wrong thing they they just explode
Mod
Ya they have. But my grandparents are really aginst queer people. My friends are not sure about what they think. But i just want my parents.to be ok with me agian. Thank you for your help so far. You and my girlfriend are the only ones who understand.
Mod
i'm glad i could help in anything.
i think some steps you could take would be collecting resources that are meant for educating anti-LGBTQ+ people in why it's not bad to be queer.
maybe start with gentler things like "it's not someone's 'fault' or decision to be queer" and slowly work up to "it's not bad to be queer"
(also try showing them the good things the LGBTQ+ community does and all the happiness that people who are accepted feel)
you could start with your friends and then work up to your parents. this would likely be a slow process, but hopefully rewarding.
meanwhile, lean on your girlfriend and the queer community for support. we've got your back <3
the Trevor Project has a site and a support system. Even websites like Scratch (a coding website aimed at children) have LGBTQ+ support groups. (avoid Amino, as it's mostly unmoderated and there are a lot of groups that don't support genderqueer people or bi/pan people and the like)
plus, there's this one right here!
i hope i could be of any help, and i wish you luck with your coming out proccess.
Thank you if you have any support groups online i could look for please let me know
Mod
i'll compile a list and get back to you
please specify your how your parents, friends, and community feel about LGBTQ+ folks. If you don't know put N/A.
Answerers:
understand that not everyone should come out (yet). some situations make it dangerous (physically or emotionally) for someone to come out. Do not pressure people to come out if they aren't comfortable with it, and especially DO NOT OUT PEOPLE.