The Humour Club discussion

Oh Aunt Agony, I need your help.

First, to put things into perspective, I'm NOT a handy person. But, if you give me directions, I can do just about anything. So, when I say over the last year I replaced the window regulator in my car, fixed my dryer twice (once to replace the door sensor, once to replace the motor), took the dishwasher apart to unclog a drain, installed a new ice maker in the refrigerator, and repaired and rebuilt the vacuum cleaner, please know it was all with the guidance of a YouTube how-to video. Nonetheless, my husband, who is less handy than I am, has developed a rabid jealousy of my "skills."

I noticed that little streak of the green monster when I realized he was too happy to hear me say "I think we have to suck it up and buy a new washer. It will cost too much to repair this baby."

I hunted down a good bargain on the internet. Found a very expensive front-loading HE with all the bells and whistles for half price (I compared it to other stores and yes, it was literally half the price and sometimes even less than half the price). The only caveat was that it was a floor model and had a scratch along the top. Otherwise, it was perfect, came with full factory warranty, etc.

I bought it. The hubby and a friend went to pick it up. When they returned, I asked where the installation manual was. Hub said, "It's a floor model. They lost it. But they said you could find it online."

Yay! Instructions!

I fetched the iPad so I could have said instructions handy as I worked. The hub laughed at me and said: "Really, how hard can this be? I'll disconnect the old one and do everything backwards for the new one."

"But-"

"You think I can't handle this? Easy."

So he did his thing. I threw in a test load of just a couple white, cloth cocktail napkins that I had been soaking to remove the maraschino cherry stain (we had had quite the bash of a party, by the way).

The machine started and within a few minutes an error code came up on the screen. I researched the code and found out he had neglected to turn the water back on. "Easy fix!"he said. And it was.

I restarted the machine. Soon, water was spraying out the back of the machine. That's when he told me he used the old hoses and thought one of them didn't fit right, but didn't think it was a big deal. However, it was another "easy fix" and he switched out the hoses.

This time when I restarted the machine, it made it all the way through to the spin cycle. It did it's best to spin, which made a thumping, screeching sound that I'm sure was at the velocity of an airplane jet doing somersaults on a runway. I'm still surprised the neighbors didn't come running with first aid kits. The hub shouted "I'm sure it's because you are doing such a tiny load! You're not supposed to wash just a couple napkins in a load!" (as if he knew anything about washing clothes).

He was willing to let it run it's course. But then the washer bounced so much that it started heading across the mudroom (denting the dry a little) and nearly unplugged itself before I was able to hit the "off" button.

The hubby swore up and down it was defective and we needed to call the warranty repair people. I went back online and discovered that there are shipping bolts in the rear of the machine that are supposed to be removed prior to using it. Once I removed the shipping bolts, the washer worked beautifully.

My cocktail napkins are now good as new. However, my husband is barely speaking to me. We're due to receive four window blinds on Tuesday and he swears he's installing them all on his own. One of them is 92-inches wide, which I think makes it impossible to install all by himself.

How do I convince him to at least watch one video? Or do I risk having to replace a window in January?

Dear Handy Housewife,
Your best option may be to replace your husband before the blinds arrive. Second best, drug your husband and let him sleep while you do the job (with the assistance of the neighbor's poodle if necessary). Clearly your spouse should not be allowed anywhere near a toolbox.
--Aunty Agony

Okay, Lisa, that cracked me up! Reminded me of the "help" I got from my husband and his dad while doing our basement remodel. Not only did they manage *3 times* to drill into water pipes, but they did some non-code wiring I had to go in and fix.

For the most part, my spouse is willing to let me own the toolbox.

Husbands, like washing machines, are fitted with shipping bolts. Or something very much like them.

Every now and again we need to roar out our masculinity like an alpha male lion on the plains of the Serengeti. We need to beat our chests, do something manly, yodel like Tarzan.

We can't help it. It's hardwired into us like ... like ... like a shipping bolt.

In days of old we would hunt beasties for the dinner pot, indulge in a spot of pillaging, or arm-wrestle our peers in the local inn whilst quaffing enormous quantities of frothing ale.

Further back on the evolutionary ladder we would cock our legs up and pee on the furniture as a way of telling other males to stay away.

Civilization has taken many of these little pleasures away from us. Now we need to find new ways of asserting our masculinity.

So we have found new ways of marking our territory. Finding our way without the need of a map or asking directions. Fixing something without instructions. Knowing the answer to any question that involves lubricating oil. Remembering the punch-lines to smutty jokes. Watching "It's a wonderful life" without blubbing.

The solution is simple. Or rather the solutions are simple, because this comes in his and hers varieties.

As a fellow man wishing to console your hubby, I would tell him that I too have fallen foul of the washing machine shipping bolt thingie. I suspect that many of us have, apart from those wimps who get someone else in to fit it. Brotherly solidarity!

As a wife wishing to soothe an injured male pride, simply hand him a bottle and ask him to take the top off.

He will feel right as rain in no time.

Like your solution, Will. I've been helping my boys to become men in that way. It has, of course, NOTHING to do with incipient arthritis in my hands. I'm just making them feel useful.

Lisa- God Bless you and your chutzpah! And a shout out to your husband- Listen to your wife! I've been in home renovation for over 30 years now, and a union heavy construction carpenter since 1977. I've worked with some men that couldn't hold a candle to your wife on their best day! Your wife, found the resources, manuals, tools, and confidence, rolled up her sleeves and step by step repaired those things. She has the mind set it takes to get the job done, something I've seen lacking in many men I've worked with, just Thank God one of you can do it- it saves a lot of money.

And take it from me; It's not a macho thing to be able to fix things, gender has nothing to do with it!

PS- let me know if I can offer you some advice or help in some way.

Update:

Thank you Will. I handed a bottle of vodka that had been chilling in the freezer to the hubby last night and asked him if he could open it for me (it was the French kind and the cork was stuck). I timed it well: he was staring at the enormous length of the blinds that he had originally thought he could hang himself. He opened the bottle and suggested I call a handy man today to take care of them.

Instead, shortly after he hopped on a plane to Atlanta this morning, I called a friend over for coffee and the two of us hung the blinds. Easy thing, really. Just cumbersome.

And thanks, CartoonistAndre! Next time something breaks, I may just take you up on that offer of help!

I'm not incompetent in the "handyman" area. I pretty much do what Lisa does and google a video.
I have absolutly no loss of manhood knowing that my wife can fix things better than I. She also enjoys it more. The toolbox has been in her custody for years. I passed that proverbial torch over to her, she knows how to keep it on! I'm in charge of technology, however she's been going to college on that as well and becoming quite skilled.
Maybe I'll switch to drink mixing...

Rodney wrote: "I'm not incompetent in the "handyman" area. I pretty much do what Lisa does and google a video.
I have absolutly no loss of manhood knowing that my wife can fix things better than I. She also enjo..."

The Youtube videos are great, most times. I've used them for auto repairs and appliances with success. Rodney, let us know if you come up with a revolutionary Head-banger recipe and don't over-do the experimentation phase, I'd hate to miss your (hic!) input!

Lisa- Good one, those long blinds can be killer if you're not used to it. They're especially tough if the header's made of cement or metal studs, but you know about studs already. Good idea getting an extra pair of hands though, the added brain matter probably helped also.