Pakistani Readers discussion

A small wind blows from the East, rustling leaves and carrying with it the sickly sweet fragrance of Lizrin fields.

It is a familiar smell.

The night is awake with the pitter patter of rainfall. I feel alive. Invariably I am not.

They come into view when the mist clears. A party of six, bruised and broken, their eyes lifeless.
Shining golden in the moonlight, the gilded colours of the Brotherhood . It is eerily similar to my own aegis.
It unsettles me.
I lean down to unstrap the helm of the corpse closest. It is cracked at the top. Where my sword tore in. She is young, stoic. In death there is not a trace of fear on her face , yet her eyes lay wide . Shocked.

I know this woman.

" Chiona." I say aloud.

She was a knight , a comrade. What had happened to her? Had I done this , I wonder?

What is happening to me?

Who am I?

And as his eyes darken and his face contorts , it dawns upon him.
He , Paladin Rhys, Protector of the Light.
Had turned undead.

* * *


His eyes open slowly. They are met by the fleeting contours of yesterday's rain clouds. It is bright , pleasantly so. Birds chirrup. The undergrowth crackles with movement.


What an outlandish dream he’d had.
He glanced around , taking in the unfamiliar surroundings.
At least he hoped it was a dream.

You’d imagine a certain weightlessness or ethereal quality to un-death. But he felt no different than usual. Come to think of it he didn't feel at all.

Tentatively, almost reluctantly , he pulled off an armguard , exposing dappled , purplish skin underneath. He poked at it , apprehensively at first then with more vigour. But for the life ( or rather death ) of him , he couldn't feel a thing. His arms fell down, limp.

"I'd rather hoped it was a dream."


He stood up now , the action more effortless than it had been before his untimely demise - if a bit wonky - , and surveyed the area. Lush , green grassland stretched off in every direction , the forest he'd died in nowhere to be seen.

He was well and truly , alone.

Reaching for his trusty longsword , he found dolefully that he was unarmed as well.
It wasn't the lack of a weapon that troubled rather it was the loss of the sword itself. It had been a snug , well balanced blade that did it's job well enough , one that would be hard to find a replacement for.
Rhys contemplated whether to take a moment to sort his inventory but decided abruptly against it.

No, he had somewhere to be. Something to do. Someplace he was needed.
“What is it though?” he murmured.
Whatever it was , it called to him and would not go unanswered.

He started forward , beginning to run. Sprinting with new purpose. As if lives depended on it.
He had the strange impression that they did.

Before long the grassland receded , paving the barren way to what appeared to be a bridge.
He slowed his approach , knowing this was where he needed to be. Rhys craned his head to try and get a glimpse of the other side. But as soon his eyes wandered past a certain point , they would cloud over and turn vision murky. For a moment he saw crimson , then it too was gone.

He wanted to cross. Desperately. Feverishly.
It was un-guarded. The way empty. He need only walk across , did he not?

He doubted it was that simple. Besides , he felt. . . . watched. So he trudged over to the only tree in sight , an ancient oak bereft of all colour and sat down.

Time passed by. Seconds and minutes , hours slowly trickling by. Days, the months. He did not know how long he waited. The sun did not change above , did not move by an inch. Perpetually the same agreeable shine in which he bathed his face.
But Bit by bit , day by day the shadows appeared , in spite of the radiance. They coiled and thickened. Growing agitated. Until a figure emerged from the gloom.


* * *

Is this the whole story?

Note: Dear Readers, Kindly do read all stories and rate them as well. ratings done on selective stories will not be considered.

6/10

i actually found myself pretty invested in this story! however, the ending seems less like a cliffhanger and more like it's unfinished. the story also phased from first person to third person in the middle of a scene and confused me a little, something i think may have been an accident rather than a purposeful shift. was it? overall i'd have given it a higher rating if there was more for me to read :)

3/10

It's unclear what the author is going for. An abrupt crescendo? a feeling of bridging into something that never arrives? Kafkaesque, perhaps? Not really sure. Maybe it's just incomplete, because that's what it feels like. The composition doesn't really make it feel Kafkaesque so I'm going with just incomplete.

I guess this is incomplete. Okay then..
The writing is all poetic and nice and well, consuming really, so I was hoping the story would be good too. But sorry to say it isn’t. :/
4/10

okay its an incomplete story...

3.5/10

Why am I being put through this? This is not my genre. 3/10

4
Four and I want more.

Shock is an expression of fear /anxiety so how can one have a fearless and shocked face at the same time? A shocked expression is not something that one would call stoic.

Careless, thoughtless and hastily written. You could have at least fixed the typos if you were going to submit it. 2/10

I thought the stories were to be original piece of work and not fan-fiction (or dare I say plagiarised?) from existing work of fiction/game. This one for example mentions Paladin Rhys, the Brotherhood from Fallout 4 (a game).

One possible reason why this piece reads like an excerpt rather than an organic piece could be that it’s entirely plagiarised from somewhere. Other reasons are less plausible so I won’t delve into them.

Whomever wrote this though, writes well. Brought a smile to my face immediately. Until I got to Paladin Rhys of course. Still don’t know how nobody recognised it.

0/10 for the lack of disclaimer

I would rate this story a solid 8/10. As genres are based on personal opinion and this was right down my alley I felt excited reading this. The name Rhys reminds me of my grandfather who was in the 113th branch of the navy division who was brutally killed by an attack by the germans. I would think that with the addition of some world war 2-esque themes and the addition of gas chambers this story will become a masterpiece

Also Please if you could add some furry or male x male fanfic would be greatly appreciated thank you!!!!

5/10

content has no flow. 6/10

So it's incomplete but I feel if you hadn't added last two sentences, (view spoiler)[ where a figure emerges, maybe it would have given sense of completion. What I felt was, that the bridge is connecting dead to the living... You know? And all he has to do is cross it. (hide spoiler)]
I enjoyed reading it. It'd be great if you complete it and share after results are declared. 🌟

6.5/10

Again great writing, it felt more like something from the stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson. Unfortunately, I don't get the story if there was any. It was just a scene, I would have loved to read more.

2/10

The start was so soft and poetic but it turned horrible soon. I couldn't get the full story perhaps because I had no background of reading this genre. So also the language used is a bit complex in contrast to my experience of literary readings. Though, its my shortcoming but I couldn't rate the story beyond my understanding. :(

4/10

Ello everyone , I'm the author of "Oath" and I've waited 2 weeks to speak , what with the anonymity and all.

I'd be lying if I said that the ratings didn't pain me a little , but they are not unjust.
To clarify ,
This was not a complete story.
It's two scenes from what I've now realized is a much larger project than anticipated.
I was proud of the writing and my vanity got the better of me . . . suffice to say I've been sufficiently humbled.
Having said that , I'll be here to respond to comments and (constructive hopefully ) criticism. Have a Good day everyone.



@Syed Muhammad.
I agree with you on one thing.
Shocked and fearless at the same time seems like a big no no.
What I don't agree with is the words you used to describe my work.

You may call what I write trash , garbage , et cetera et cetera , because that's your personal if , tactless opinion.
Do not however pretend to know the time , love or dedication that went into this .

As for the typos. I write for myself and submitted this at the urging of friends. You are neither.

@Tribal Demagogue.
I'm going to start off by saying I haven't plagarized anything. Everything above was conceived in it's entirety by me. I have months of Discord DMs and some discarded drafts to back it up. Your accusation is perfectly logical. That doesn't make it okay nor do I have to like it.

As for the fanfiction part. What else is there to say except this isn't in any way shape or form fan fiction.
Very perceptive of you to pick up on Rhys.
I happen to own a copy of Fallout 4 and I can confirm that , that is where I got the name from. Get your facts straight though. It was Paladin Danse and Knight Rhys.
Had you paid a little more attention you might've noticed "Chiona" is also a copied name. I took it from a Chimera ant in Hunter x Hunter ( Ironically I despise both works ). Why? Because they're cool names. As simple as that. I'm not going to write a story with Paladin Shakeel and his sister Knight Parmeen.

There's also the facts that The Brotherhood of Steel
(from Fallout 4) have uniforms , not armor.
As for their power armor , its dull gray not the vibrant gold I've described. There's also no Chiona in FO4 , there is no " Lizrin ". Also Paladin Danse or Knight Rhys never had the title " Protector of the Light". Keeping with the theme my Brotherhood is called The Brotherhood of Morn , their base is Camp Morningstar not The Prydwen. The names were not included because they felt out of place in the starting scenes and a bit childish. There's other discrepancies too but we all have better things to do.
The Discord DMs also explain the storyline and why " Oath " is a fitting title.

Now if that answers your inquiries , goodbye.

@Muhammad Ozair

I'm satisfied with the explanation that you gave. But in the future avoid making these mistakes by providing a disclaimer in order to dispel any kernel of doubt that might arise in the mind of a reader.
A better way to approach this would've been to create your own names. I know it's difficult to come up with cool names or titles but not impossible. (Btw I can't remember Chiona from HxH but in my defense it's been ages since I last watched it. Was she the blind Go player?)

Now since it's established that you didn't plagiarize the piece, I must say I loved it. You write really well. And I think you can be forgiven the structure of the story (organic whole and all that) since we don't exactly have Edgar Allans or Virginia Woolfs competing here. I think readers were too harsh in their criticism. But take it in stride and be more meticulous in the future when it comes to structure of a story.

With plagiarism out of the way, I'll rate it 8.5 out of 10 (would've been 9 but for the structure)

Keep writing.

Thanks I guess.
Oh and btw by structure did you mean the transition from 1st person to 3rd or ?

Also

" Komugi " was the blind Gungi player.

"Chiona" was an offscreen Chimera Ant squad leader

By structure I meant how the story is supposed to unfold. Each type of plot has its own structure, usually the same but with varying length. Exposition, conflict, rising action, climax, falling action, and resolution. Plot structure is very important for coherence of the narrative. And then of course there are other elements within these but you get the gist. Shifting POV is an excellent device though, if used effectively.

Right, Komugi. I forgot.

Thanks for the feedback.

Any specific advice?
I didn't really get what you meant by Organic whole but to my knowledge an Organic plot is . . . good?

Some people complained about the pov switch so I changed it a bit but it's yet to be beta-read.

My advice to you would be to read a bit on the technical aspects of writing and understand the nuances of different types literary pieces, i.e: Short Story, Essay, Poetry, Novel etc. Not only will it help you develop an understanding of how to tackle various themes and genres, but also hone your skill as a writer. Even if you don’t agree with established norms and choose to rebel against literary tenets, you must first have an understanding of them to actually renounce any aspects.

In literature, Organic Whole also referred to as Organic Unity was popularised by Aristotle and it generally explains the necessity of principles of the three unities: time, place, and action. These unities form the Organic Whole. It makes the piece consistent, logical, and free of frivolities. The infamous three C’s: Conciseness, Cohesion, Clarity stem out of this concept.

If POV is used just for the sake of it, then I’d advise against it. But if it is necessary for the story progression, then it can’t be helped. Make sure your beta-readers are more or less experienced readers and not new to the scene. For new readers interruption of stream of consciousness can be a bit jarring.

Any particular book I should read?
Or some place I should start?