Goodreads Authors/Readers discussion

Models and Citizens

Good morning! Happy Thanksgiving! If you have a few moments, I'm thinking of rewriting my book blurb. I have decided to try the blurb from the perspective of one of the two main characters: Ordell or Harper. If you have a moment, do you mind commenting which you prefer? My original blurb doesn't seem to be working.

Harper's Blurb

The deceptively smooth swishing sound of a proton rifle discharge take her mother and father in its passing. From this point on, Harper is on her own, facing a life that at times she doesn’t even want. After failing to drink herself to death, she slowly begins to pick up the pieces of herself and rebuild something that seems recognizably Harper.

She mis-steps when she hides her dead mother’s lover from Emergent Biotechnology, the largest cloning agency in the United States. The fact that he’s an escaped clone means an every-increasing reward, a prize which will bring bounty hunters after them both. In aiding an escaped clone, she becomes an outlaw in the eyes of the nation, and becomes a target for the Human Pride Movement, an organization known for their barbaric extremism.

Can Harper navigate the stormy waters without going under? Will Ordell ever be completely free?

Ordell's Blurb

In the year 2185, clones commonly called models are a fixture in society, having taking many the menial and high-risk jobs that others refuse to do. Sex workers and builders, even sales clerks, are being replaced at a rapid pace by their less-expensive and obligation-free counterparts grown in laboratories. The price of escape is death or re-programming.

Not all escapes are intentional. Ordell Bentley, a model crafted in Bentley, New York, accidentally escapes when he flees violence at the hands of the extremist group known as the Human Pride Movement. Discovering the death of his lover, he refuses to return, only to find his days haunted by an unseen stalker as he slowly and deliberately plans his final trip to seek refuge in Canada, where freed models gain citizenship status and spending money to start their lives. His dead lover’s daughter, alone since the death of her parents, hides him from bounty hunters as the offering on his capture increases by the day.

Can Ordell make it to freedom? Will his unlikely friendship with Harper prove to be his undoing?

Any feedback is appreciated!

Andrew,

My advice would be to re-write the blurb. Both examples are too lengthy. You may wish to reference the blurbs posted on the back cover of traditional print books as examples of effective length and content. When attempting to capture the attention and curiosity of a potential reader, less is often best.

I notice that your Goodreads profile is a 'Reader's' profile. A Goodreads 'Author' profile would more readily identify you as an author to fellow members. I wish you success.

Jim wrote: "Andrew,

My advice would be to re-write the blurb. Both examples are too lengthy. You may wish to reference the blurbs posted on the back cover of traditional print books as examples of effective l..."

Thanks about the rewrite. I'll take that approach and spend a bit more time looking at some other scifi books.

I've also navigated to the book and am setting up my author profile request. Thanks for the head's up!

Hi Andrew,

Once a teacher, always a teacher. Try these.

Cheers,
Margaret


Harper's Blurb

Harper is on her own, facing a life that she doesn’t want.

After failing to drink herself to death, she picks up her pieces and rebuilds something that seems recognizably Harper.

She hides her dead mother’s lover from Emergent Biotechnology. He’s an escaped clone with an every-increasing reward on his head, a prize which will bring bounty hunters after them both. In aiding him, she becomes an outlaw in the eyes of the nation, and a target for the Human Pride Movement and all its barbaric extremism.

Can Harper navigate the stormy waters without going under?


Ordell's Blurb

In the year 2185, clones, commonly called models, are a fixture in society. They take the jobs that others refuse to do, and the price of escape is death.

Ordell escapes when he flees violence at the hands of the Human Pride Movement. Discovering that his lover is dead, he plans his refuge trip to start a new life.

But his days are haunted by an unseen stalker. His lover’s daughter hides him from the bounty hunters as the offering on his capture increases by the day.

Can Ordell make it to freedom or will this unlikely friendship prove to be his undoing?

Margaret wrote: "Hi Andrew,

Once a teacher, always a teacher. Try these.

Cheers,
Margaret


Harper's Blurb

Harper is on her own, facing a life that she doesn’t want.

After failing to drink herself to death, she..."

Nicely done, Margaret! I especially like the second. By taking my originals and reworking them, you've provided a good example of ways to move forward. I appreciate the time you took to respond!

My pleasure! Good luck with the book.
Andrew wrote: "Margaret wrote: "Hi Andrew,

Once a teacher, always a teacher. Try these.

Cheers,
Margaret


Harper's Blurb

Harper is on her own, facing a life that she doesn’t want.

After failing to drink hers..."

Andrew wrote: "Margaret wrote: "Hi Andrew,

Once a teacher, always a teacher. Try these.

Cheers,
Margaret


Harper's Blurb

Harper is on her own, facing a life that she doesn’t want.

After failing to drink hers..."

Hi Andrew, I'd tend to agree with Jim's comment that the blurbs are a bit long, especially Ordell's version (180 words). However, just as important to me are the points that the first line of Harper's version doesn't fit with the rest of that blurb, and isn't clear. It's written subjectively (as if we were already in her viewpoint) while the rest of the blurb is written objectively. You need to keep blurbs in that objective voice. The subjective version you keep for the novel itself. And near the end, you mention Ordell, but haven't told us who he is. That's just confusing to the reader. Harper also comes over as a bit of a victim in her blurb, which Ordell's doesn't. I would avoid this - why not show her as a strong female character, which will make her much more sympathetic for readers? As the job of the author is to control the flow of information to the reader, I'd say that there's a bit much info in Ordell's blurb. So you probably need to edit that one down as you tighten it up. For instance, you could say 'In 2185, clones (or 'models') do the jobs others won't do.' This is short and to the point. (Whether it's relevant to the story is another issue, I'm just using it as an example.) A lot of what we write in the first draft can be disposed of later - it's "unwarranted hesitation". I hope this is helpful - sorry it's a bit brutal! Good luck with it!

they are a bit lengthy as has been mentioned before. But, the point of view of the second blurb is much more captivating to me.

Me too. I think it's worth working on this. <3

Ordell's blurb is more captivating for me as well. From the perspective of a reader looking for a book, it didn't seem too long, but maybe that's just me. Good luck! :)

Whose the protagonist in your book? Is it Harper or Ordell? It seems a bit odd for you to have written blurbs for both.
They are a bit long, but Ordell's blurb would be more likely to make me buy the book.

Helen wrote: "Hi Andrew, I'd tend to agree with Jim's comment that the blurbs are a bit long, especially Ordell's version (180 words). However, just as important to me are the points that the first line of Harpe..."

Great analysis and explanation, Helen. I appreciate your comprehensive feedback here. I didn't consider how I'm positioning Harper as being a victim. She does kind of take hit after hit in this story, but keeps getting back up. Maybe focusing on that aspect of her personality instead of what happens to her will make her more compelling. Also taking your point on Ordell's blurb. I struggle with how to convey that 'models' means 'clones built for slave labor'. Maybe I'm not giving the reader enough credit and that one-liner is enough though.

Good points all. No feedback is too brutal as long as it's specific enough for me to take action on or understand. Thank you so much!

Alexis wrote: "they are a bit lengthy as has been mentioned before. But, the point of view of the second blurb is much more captivating to me."

That's great, Alexis! I'll work on the length issue for sure. The second really does grab work better for me as well. I think what Helen says about the way I present Harper may have something to do with that. Thanks for your feedback here!

Alina wrote: "Ordell's blurb is more captivating for me as well. From the perspective of a reader looking for a book, it didn't seem too long, but maybe that's just me. Good luck! :)"

How interesting! So 3 for Ordell's blurb so far. I kind of suspected that would happen, which is why I pitched two blurbs here instead of just re-writing Harper's. Thanks a bunch, Alina!

V.M. wrote: "Whose the protagonist in your book? Is it Harper or Ordell? It seems a bit odd for you to have written blurbs for both.
They are a bit long, but Ordell's blurb would be more likely to make me buy ..."

That's 4 for Ordell's blurb! I think Harper has been unseated.

To add some clarity, Harper the sole protagonist in version 1 of the story (some years ago). Ordell was more of a secondary character then. As the story has evolved, Ordell has taken over about half of the story. The story opens with Harper and closes with Ordell. The decisions of both characters move the story along. Now, I would say they are dual protagonists, and I'm trying to figure out which one to focus on in the blurb. With limited space, I feel like (and maybe I'm wrong?) it would be better to focus on one or the other.

The story generally is about Ordell and Harper working out how to get Ordell to freedom while dealing with loss (Ordell's lover/Harper's mother). They are thrown together by chapter 3 and stay together throughout, dealing with bounty hunters and a corporation, and an extremist organization along the way.

Looks like you've already made a decision on the blurbs, but just wanted to say I would like to read this book! Sounds interesting.

E.A. wrote: "Looks like you've already made a decision on the blurbs, but just wanted to say I would like to read this book! Sounds interesting."

Thanks for saying so! Going through beta-reader responses now and I just got back a pretty extensive list of edits. Trying to keep that 1/29/2021 deadline 😊!