Evie's Writing discussion

The little girl tiptoed down the creaky wooden steps, attempting to get to the kitchen. “But Mar- I’m just so worried about her. You know she can’t control her power. One day it'll become a real problem.” She paused. She knew that magic-wielders were not welcome in Aratia, but the thought that she was one was ridiculous.
“She’ll be able to hide it. She can, and you know it.”
“No. Eventually, it'll get to a point where she can't. She’ll get reckless, and it’ll all be over. We’ll be sent back to Amarthina, or be arrested, or even…” Her father paused, unable to say the words. “She must be taught to hold it in, for when we are not here to help her.” Not here? What were they talking about? Her dad had avoided the word 'executed,' but why couldn't he talk about it? Was something the matter? Why did she need to be contained? Why ere they so nervous? And why were they talking about her as if they were leaving? She stepped nimbly up the steps and into her now cold bed, questions running through her mind. With her mind running at 100 miles per hour, she went out and began to walk, observing the pretty green landscaping, and large modernistic buildings. All of a sudden, she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Now, wait a second sweetheart," the man said, clearly drunk.
"L-leave me alone. I didn't do anything."
"Oh, but I think you did," said the man.
"I didn't," she said, a little more forcefully.
"Oh-but sweetheart-" he was just of by strands of inky darkness curling out of the midnight mist towards Evangeline.
"What did you do," he asked, seemingly scared. She didn't know how to stop it. She could be arrested, or hanged for practicing magic. It seemed as if her parents were right in assuming that much. She was a magic-wielder. A bender of darkness.
"You will regret this," the man said, as she looked up to find the strands of darkness gone.
The next day, she woke up in a pool of her parent's blood.

Okay, welcome to my crappy story!

Ooh, intriguing. I really like it! The only thing I would suggest is to change the second or first 'herself,' in the first few sentences part.

Danielle wrote: "Ooh, intriguing. I really like it! The only thing I would suggest is to change the second or first 'herself,' in the first few sentences part."

Oooh, okay. So I changed that bit to "her powers".
The next chapter should tell you a little about that.

Neat. I'm interested so far! I don't know why I immediately thought of Frozen lmao

Sofia wrote: "Neat. I'm interested so far! I don't know why I immediately thought of Frozen lmao"

Haha, thanks. I think I'll post another chapter, and then maybe backstories and aesthetics? I don't know.

Sofia wrote: "Neat. I'm interested so far! I don't know why I immediately thought of Frozen lmao"

OHMYGOD

I loved it! I want to know what happens next.

It's extremely, extremely short, so maybe you can add stuff to introduce your world to the reader, just to kind of hook them in more. But so far so good!!

Yumiko wrote: "I loved it! I want to know what happens next.

It's extremely, extremely short, so maybe you can add stuff to introduce your world to the reader, just to kind of hook them in more. But so far so g..."

Okayyyyyyy!
And yes, it's really short. I'll try and add a little more worldbuilding, thanks. :)

Evie wrote: "Yumiko wrote: "I loved it! I want to know what happens next.

It's extremely, extremely short, so maybe you can add stuff to introduce your world to the reader, just to kind of hook them in more. ..."

Of course!!!

Yumiko wrote: "Evie wrote: "Yumiko wrote: "I loved it! I want to know what happens next.

It's extremely, extremely short, so maybe you can add stuff to introduce your world to the reader, just to kind of hook t..."

I prolonged it a bit, added a bit more with her power, but I'm not sure about the last sentence, it seems a little bit dramatic.

Evie wrote: "Yumiko wrote: "Evie wrote: "Yumiko wrote: "I loved it! I want to know what happens next.

It's extremely, extremely short, so maybe you can add stuff to introduce your world to the reader, just to..."

OMG YES!!!!! I LOVE THIS!
Just one more thing, though. You might want to eliminate some of the ellipsis. I think there are like three or four of them, but other than that, I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!!

Yumiko wrote: "Evie wrote: "Yumiko wrote: "Evie wrote: "Yumiko wrote: "I loved it! I want to know what happens next.

It's extremely, extremely short, so maybe you can add stuff to introduce your world to the re..."

K, I'll fix that, and thanks. :)

Evie wrote: "Yumiko wrote: "Evie wrote: "Yumiko wrote: "Evie wrote: "Yumiko wrote: "I loved it! I want to know what happens next.

It's extremely, extremely short, so maybe you can add stuff to introduce your ..."

Of course. I'm excited for the rest!!!!!!