Navigating Indieworld Discussing All Things Indie discussion

Hi all! I'm feeling a little overwhelmed trying to get this blurb to "pop." I think this is my 200th draft. The book is romantic suspense, more emphasis on suspense than romance.

Well, here goes:



Trying to escape an assassin, archaeologist Leila Sterling wakes up in the middle of the desert. Alone. Miles from civilization, the message is clear: somebody wants her dead. Leila's flame, archaeologist-turned-policeman Xander Harrison, is desperate to find his woman—before the shadowy killer strikes again.

As Leila seeks safety and Xander seeks clues to her whereabouts, they both find themselves in two brutal races for survival. From a remnant of an ancient hieroglyphic text to whispers of a legendary lost tomb in the Sinai mountains, from the glistening waves of the Nile to the swaying saddle of a camel, Leila and Xander are thrown into a web of conspiracy, revenge, and deception.

Will their paths ever cross again, or will the shocking discovery of one of the greatest mysteries of the past destroy Leila...and the man she loves?


Thoughts? Is it too long? Too vague? Too much info? Too wordy? Or something else?

I'd really appreciate any feedback! Thanks :)

Cate

It's not bad, but it could probably be a bit sharper. Before I offer any concrete suggestions, though, I have a question. You say Leila is "trying to escape an assasin" and "wakes up in the middle of the desert." Does she know, before finding herself stranded in the desert, that someone is trying to kill her, or is it because she wakes up in the middle of the desert that she knows this? And does she wake up there because she's been dumped there to die, or for some other reason?

Hi Dale! Thanks so much for asking. To answer the first question, in the scene before Leila wakes up, she's chased and caught, so she knew when she woke up that someone was after her. I left that part out to cut down on word count.
Second question, Leila doesn't exactly know why she's been dumped in the desert but she assumes it's because she was left to die a slower death instead of being shot like she thought she would be. It doesn't quite add up because even if she's stranded, there's still a small chance of surviving. So that does confuse her (and readers are left to wonder, too).

I hope that helps!

Okay, thanks. Try this on for size:
-----
Someone wants her dead.

Abducted and left to die in the desert, archaeologist Leila Sterling wakes up not knowing who her assailant is or why they didn't kill her outright. She only knows she must survive long enough to find out. Leila's flame, archaeologist-turned-policeman Xander Harrison, desperately searches for his woman, knowing the shadowy killer will strike again.

The separated lovers each find themselves in a brutal race for survival. From a remnant of an ancient hieroglyphic text to whispers of a legendary lost tomb in the Sinai mountains, from the glistening waves of the Nile to the swaying saddle of a camel, Leila and Xander are thrown into a web of conspiracy, revenge, and deception. Will they ever be reunited, or will the shocking discovery of one of the greatest mysteries of the past destroy Leila and the man she loves?
-----
There may be room for further improvement, but with luck this captures it.

Abducted and left to die in the desert, Leila Sterling wakes up not knowing why she is still alive. Until the archeologist figures out who wants her dead, she's in constant danger.

Leila's former colleague and lover, archaeologist-turned-policeman Xander Harrison, is locked in a brutal race with her assailant to find her first.

From the storied land of the Pharaohs to the glistening waves of the Nile, Leila and Xander uncover the secrets of a hieroglyphic text to discover if the ancient legends of a secret burial are indeed real. Can they survive the web of conspiracy, revenge, and deception, as well as the ultimate betrayal?

Will revealing one of the greatest mysteries of mankind, unite or destroy their love forever?

Hope this helps.

Carole wrote: "Abducted and left to die in the desert, Leila Sterling wakes up not knowing why she is still alive. Until the archeologist figures out who wants her dead, she's in constant danger.

Leila's former..."

I like your introduction of Xander better than mine. I was trying to find a better way of doing that, but nothing was coming to me.

Thanks. It took a bit. It's a lot like doing a word puzzle lol.

Thank you both so much! I really like the way Dale started with the line "Somebody wants her dead" and also how Carole introduced Xander. I've been stuck on this blurb for weeks but now I think I know how I'll fix it up.

A word puzzle is a good way to describe it lol