it's personal discussion

❦ `` You enter through the little door and crawl down the tunnel, purple and blue colors writhing around you as you edge closer to the Other world. You pause at the end, unsure if this is really safe. But no. Your Other friends and family will treat you well. There is no need to fret. You open the door. The Other world awaits you. ❧ ``

`` ~ You may comment on here! I'm willing to chat (actually would really love to,,) and am not too serious about the aesthetics so it's totally fine. I'll be ranting about some very triggering stuff sometimes, so be warned when you come on here if you're sensitive to that stuff. ~ ``

`` ~ Washing Machine Heart ~ ``

this is my favorite song ever. while with many songs i eventually fall out of listening to them routinely, this one has stayed my favorite for many months now and holds a special place in my heart. i've mainly fallen for the chorus and feel so connected to it in a way that i can't describe. i feel so close to the song even though i'm still unsure of the meaning. listening to it just feels so familiar and like it's my song.

❦ `` Lyrics
toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart
baby, bang it up inside
i'm not wearing my usual lipstick
i thought maybe we would kiss tonight
baby will you kiss me already and
toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart
baby, bang it up inside
baby, though I've closed my eyes
i know who you pretend i am
i know who you pretend i am
do mi ti
why not me?
why not me?
do mi ti
why not me?
why not me?
do mi ti
why not me?
why not me? ❧ ``

❦ `` Heart Failure

you dig in to my heart
blood splatters onto my face
but i don't lick it
you eat and eat until it's all gone
and i'm nothing
i look down at my plate
and it's
sparkly white
but it's fine.
i'm full just watching. ❧ ``

`` ~ the school announcements talked about "anxiety" and how everyone has a little anxiety. no, they don't. people say that everyone has a little adhd, ocd, bipolar, and everything they can think of. i don't suffer from anxiety but i know many who do and it's sad to see so much misinformation going around as to what anxiety is. it isn't something everyone has. it is real and it affects people. ~ ``

`` ~ so i guess i'll take a personality quiz 'cos i'm bored. the ones in bold are what i picked. here's the link: https://www.truity.com/test/type-find... ~ ``

❦ `` i try not to draw attention to myself - mildly accurate
i feel uncomfortable when i disagree with someone - inaccurate
i lose my belongings - mildly accurate
i have a vivid imagination - accurate
i would enjoy attending a large party in my honor - mildly inaccurate
i dislike being in competition with others - inaccurate
i would prefer to follow a schedule - mildly accurate
i question the wisdom of my elders - accurate
i enjoy being the center of attention - neutral
i try to avoid conflict - inaccurate
i make sure my work is finished on time - mildly accurate
it is important to me to follow traditions - mildly inaccurate
i make an effort to be popular - neutral
i sympathize with the homeless - accurate
i have trouble controlling my impulses - inaccurate
i think about why people do the things they do - accurate
being around lots of people energizes more - mildly inaccurate
i am helpful to the people around me - mildly inaccurate
i am ambitious - mildly accurate
i like to do things as they were done in the past - inaccurate
i avoid being alone - inaccurate
i forgive easily - inaccurate
i like trying out new hobbies - mildly accurate
i like to stay active - inaccurate
it is best to be totally objective when making a decision - neutral
i keep my belongings in their proper place - neutral
i have a rich fantasy life - accurate
i have little to say - inaccurate
i enjoy being there for people when they are feeling sad - accurate
i would rather go with the flow than have a set schedule - neutral
i enjoy philosophical discussions - mildly accurate
i let other people know what i think - accurate
i avoid arguing, even when i disagree - inaccurate
i am very attentive to deadlines - neutral
i would like to play a musical instrument - mildly accurate
i have a lot of fun - mildly inaccurate
i resist temptations - accurate
it is easy for me to talk to strangers - neutral
i am concerned for the welfare of elderly people - accurate
i am determined to achieve success in life - mildly accurate
i believe in the importance of art - accurate
i like to spend my free time alone - accurate
i believe people should be punished for their mistakes - mildly accurate
i enjoy having a daily routine - neutral
i spend time seeking out new experiences - mildly accurate
i am on the go - inaccurate
i wish other people would be more logical - neutral
i like to tidy up - accurate
i enjoy imagining the future - accurate
i find it difficult to express my opinions - inaccurate
i like to help others with their personal problems - mildly accurate
i finish my assignments before they are due - accurate
i like thinking about the mysteries of the universe - accurate
i have a lot of energy - inaccurate
i can't stand when someone doesn't like me - mildly inaccurate
i follow my impulses - inaccurate
i enjoy trying to understand complicated ideas - mildly accurate
i feel very happy - inaccurate
i spend time trying to understand myself - accurate
i get a thrill out of meeting new people - inaccurate
i need support from other people - accurate
i am not bothered by disorder - mildly accurate
i enjoy going to museums - mildly accurate
i avoid noisy crowds - neutral
i forgive others' mistakes, even when they harm me personally - inaccurate
i make plans and stick to them - mildly inaccurate
i like to do things differently, even if i am not sure it will work - inaccurate
i do not like to sit still for too long - accurate
i make important decisions based on my gut feelings - mildly accurate
i start tasks in advance, so that i have plenty of time to finish - neutral
i hold back my opinions - inaccurate
i am sensitive to the feelings of others - neutral
i am easily distracted - neutral
i enjoy learning about scientific theories - mildly inaccurate
i love life - inaccurate
i work hard to please others - mildly accurate
i have a zest for life - inaccurate
i give to people who are less fortunate than i - mildly accurate
i like to have a detailed plan before starting a task - mildly inaccurate
i wonder why i am the way i am - accurate
i love to make new friends - inaccurate
it's important to me that other people like me - neutral
i have trouble sticking to a routine - accurate
i appreciate the beauty of nature - mildly accurate
i prefer quiet surroundings - accurate
i find it difficult to get down to work - accurate
emotional people make me uncomfortable - inaccurate
people tell me i am too quiet - inaccurate
i am concerned about others - accurate
i like to finish all my chores before doing something fun - inaccurate
i enjoy chatting with new acquaintances - neutral
it is important to me to make decisions without being swayed by emotions - inaccurate
i carry out my plans - neutral
it is important to me to understand the bigger picture - accurate
it is important to me to be of service to others- mildly inaccurate
i enjoy examining myself and my life - accurate
i find it challenging to make new friends- accurate
i like poetry - accurate
i am a private person - mildly accurate
i question why things are the way they are - accurate
i let others know that i care about their feelings - accurate
i think about the needs of others - accurate
i like to be needed by other people - accurate
i'd prefer to come up with an original solution to a problem - accurate
i am full of new ideas - accurate

. . .

i like ideas that are easy to understand vs. i like ideas that are complex
i keep my thoughts to myself vs. i speak up
i spend time pursuing my goals vs. i spend my time enjoying life
i put my needs first vs. i put others' needs ahead of my own
i trust traditional values vs. i question traditional values
i am often disorganized vs. i keep myself organized
i enjoy activities that are familiar vs. i enjoy experiencing new things
i like to try to innovate vs i like to use trusted methods
i prefer to follow a clear procedure vs. i like to improvise
i am always prepared vs. i am often unprepared
i work first, play later vs. i play first, work later
i seek attention from others vs. i avoid attention from others
i look for ways to help others vs. i look for ways to achieve my own goals
i feel the pain of other people vs. i am not easily affected by sad stories
i make sure everyone is taken care of vs. i look out for myself
i focus on real life vs. i use my imagination
i value my social status vs. i value my privacy
i do things step by step vs. i jump in and figure things out as i go
i am more interested in what is possible vs. i am more interested in what is real
i start conversations vs. i let others start conversations
i like to cooperate vs. i like to compete
i make decisions with my head vs. i make decisions with my heart
i follow a plan vs. i act on impulse
i prefer to work in an active, bustling office vs. i prefer to work in a calm, quiet office ❧ ``

`` ~ i got a mix of INFP, INTP, and INTJ. ~ ``

`` ~ i already have a diary . . . not online but like a real diary. maybe the reason i'm also using this is in the hopes that someone might read it? or maybe because it's more exhausting to write each word instead of rapidly typing it out. ~ ``

`` ~ i've been scratching myself a lot lately. because my alleged OCD told me that i need to scratch myself on my right and left hands five times if i ever saw the scratch marks. so i've been trying to avoid looking at them . . . but i keep seeing them in my peripheral vision and having to scratch them again. i need fingerless gloves or else these wounds won't ever heal. another part of me is telling me that i'm lying to myself about me being 99% sure of my OCD. that maybe i just really want to have OCD. and that doubt is a symptom of OCD as well but i could be lying. i could stop scratching probably. i don't know because i haven't tried but i probably could. i'm scared because then that might mean that those intrusive thoughts were real. and maybe i deserve to scratch my skin off.
. . .

i just want to scratch it all off sometimes. but i can't. i don't want my parents seeing. and when i scratch, i can't really control where i start scratching. just wherever feels right. and it brings satisfaction to see the dead skin start to rub off and reveal that fleshy pink. and then that fleshy pink starts to tear and little dots of red start to appear. and then they harden and you have to explain that they're "just a rash". i could be lying, though. it could all be for attention. i don't know. you'd think that all my symptoms would be enough, but i'm unsure whether i'm just really, really trying to have OCD or really have it. ~ ``

`` ~ tired of scratching. ~ ``

`` ~ the good thing about the night is that i can look at my hands without having to scratch them. i don't have to pull my sleeves up just to stop myself from harming my body. i don't see the scratches or the scars to come. i just see the dark outline of my hands. ~ ``

`` ~ my cardigan has long sleeves. yay. i feel cute in this dress but also nervous . . . i'll probably regret the decision to wear this outfit in the middle of the day and have no idea what to do. but right now i feel cute. uwu ~ ``

`` ~ whenever artemis gets bullied, i feel the pain. it makes me anxious and upset. i don't know why. i want it all to be over because i feel what they feel . . . ~ ``

`` ~ it's kind of funny when i say something depressing with these aesthetic little text thingies around it. ~ ``

`` ~ i feel like i'm getting emoer every day . . . i've become an alt kid and now i'm listening to siouxxie. but like emo music is so good! ketamine and masquerade are such good songs. i wouldn't say i'm into the scene kid hair . . . it looks kind of big, but fingerless gloves and belts with chains are my thing now. i'd say i'm pastel goth but kawaii goth usually yields more of what i wear than pastel goth. ~ ``

`` ~ Jealous ~ ``

nice song. just wish it didn't mumble so much . . . but it's relatable a little.

❦ `` Lyrics
you could have anyone you want
why would you want to be with me?
i'm nothing special
you could have anyone you want
why would you want to be with me?
you know, I'm nothing special
be with whoever you want
i don't care, I don't care
i don't wanna know
don't tell me about your problems
if you're not trying to solve them
don't ask me for my help
fix it yourself
she tried to call me yesterday
but I didn't pick up
'cause I don't got time
i don't have time
i don't have time
i don't have time
i don't have time (no)
do whatever you want
i don't care, I don't care
don't even tell me
i don't really wanna know
don't ask me how's my day's been
i just wanna be alone
stop talking about your past
i don't wanna hear it
just leave me alone
just go
only care about myself
'cause everyone's trying to hurt me
just leave me alone
just leave me alone
just leave me alone
i just wanna be alone ❧ ``

`` ~ the mean girl in class just said "i'm not perfect. i always have to be at the country club, though . . . " and then she said "and whenever i meet presidents." literally the most spoiled thing you could say. ~ ``

`` ~ i just got extreme second hand embarrassment from my friend. they posted on another alice's journal some random thing using my account and now i would like to die because it seems like i'm using the fake "oh it was my friend sorry" excuse when i'm really telling the truth. such is life. ~ ``

`` ~ you know what? second hand embarrassment is stupid. why do we get embarrassed at stuff we didn't even do? i don't know the psychology behind it. i kind of want to study that stuff. seems interesting. ~ ``

`` ~ i kind of want to die. i'm sick and dying from the cringe so i'd rather just *not*. ~ ``

`` ~ also, i officially hate artemis for causing this embarrassment in the first place. just kidding . . . but like also no because i don't feel like i can recover. i don't even understand why i should feel embarrassment for something like this . . ? but it feels like *i* did it because it was my account so i guess i can kind of understand it . . . but still. i really don't handle embarrassment well. i often ruminate over it for a long amount of time. not very fun. ~ ``

`` ~ BRUH I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT HAPPENED..SJkldJSJK

so artemis was looking at the journal i had open and typed out a response on that one thinking i was friends with them already . . . i mean that's fine but like still i'm too awkward to venture on one's journal so like I STILL HATE YOU ARTEMIS. ~ ``

`` ~ I'M TOO FUCKING SICK TO BE DEPRESSED BITCH WHY ~ ``

`` ~ state testing starts on monday. fun. ~ ``

`` ~ heyy i'm back. so . . . day 1 of state testing went okay. ~ ``

OH MY GOD i love that video-

yes, that is most definitely my vibe

`` ~ yesterday i actually put art in my art journal. a rare occurrence. ~ ``

`` ~ also, there's this game called World's End Club that i've been wanting. it's made by the dude who made danganronpa and it sounds interesting . . . i played the demo and it's fun. ~ ``

kokichi ouma and nagito komaeda for sure. wbu?

`` ~ Appetite of a People-Pleaser ~ ``

just saying that i don't have an ed, but this song is still relatable to me in talking about the personality stuff. the lyrics are written so well and this is why i love ghost's music so much.

❦ `` Lyrics
ideas forming out of thin air
these indulgences none can compare
so many flavors that one would abhor
even though I've had enough
i still demand
give me more
i need a whole personality
something inordinately sweet
order anything you'd like
nothing's changing my mind
i don't care how unhealthy it is
'cus there isn't anything I'd rather be
call me obsequious
i guess I'm a bit dramatic
sometimes my appetite is eerily erratic
give me your dire expectations
and I'll consume perfection
you are what you eat, after all
everything combines into one
so many flavors that one would abhor
and I know I've had enough
i've gone too far
now that I've become a full-course identity
take a bite of me
i hope that I've become a favorable delicacy
that I'm worth something
i'll eat 'em all the thoughts of anyone I'll ever meet
just to make them happy
wondering why I'm a burden or so it seems
aren't I everything?
maybe if I try a little harder, it will be okay one day
keep on eating more and more
divide my life away into servings
and go beyond the point of no return
i know I'm subservient but all of this is necessary
sometimes my appetite is violently contrary
irreconcilable perceptions
appeal to my obsessions the nausea is overwhelming
whether I've been caramelized or rotten to the core
which one should I be?
'cuz I dunno who I'm supposed to be anymore
and it's sickening
i'll overeat the implications of your thoughts
just to make you happy
nonetheless, I feel my insides are tied to knots
aren't I more than everything?
i'm a recipe for entropy
i'm too overwhelming
give me your validation
i can taste your apprehension
these flavors of personality
are hindering my likeability
my impulsive desire
my appetite has spoiled my urge to satisfy
everyone will like me more without it
everyone will like me more without it
now that I've become the perfect identity
take a bite of me
i hope that I've become a flavorless delicacy
that I'm good enough
and now that I've become the perfect identity
what else do you need?
'cus I dunno who I'm supposed to be anymore
and I'm starving
i'll purge 'em all the thoughts of anyone I'll ever meet
why aren't you happy?!
nonetheless, I know my insides are empty
aren't I more than everything? ❧ ``

omg miu is my best friend. i also really liked hajime..idk if that's weird or not

`` ~ i feel empty and horrible ig. i have to wear gloves to school so i don't scratch my hands and luckily they look cute and match my style but it still is kind of embarrassing. it's not like 5 scratches on each side is that big of a deal but after you do it so many times it hurts a lot and my nails are pretty long. also, i can't just scratch lightly or it won't count. i've also had to do them over just because it felt wrong and like i did it in the wrong place or too light on one side. i know not a lot of people would think it's that big a deal but it's really annoying and just has been ruining my life. ~ ``

`` ~ it feels like i often think i feel some way but end up feeling another . . . and people get hurt because of it. i don't even know how i feel sometimes and it feels like a lie when i'm forced to say how i feel, who i am. idk if it's just my horrible intrusive thoughts that have ruined my brain but i don't know whether i'm lying or telling the truth to myself sometimes.
also, what even is love? i used to think i knew the answer. when your heart thumps around someone and you can't think of anything else but them . . . and all you want is them. but everything has become distorted and i don't know whether my first love was really love or just obsession and i don't know if my second was just platonic or love because my heart didn't thump as often around them. in fact, once i confessed to them it kind of stopped. i don't know if that's normal. my second love is easy to describe. just unsure whether it was romantic feelings or platonic ones that i felt. my first one is a different, more complicated story. i loved hailey so much. i know that it was love . . . but like just so much of it. i probably had a mild case of obsessive love disorder. i would have dropped all of my friends and family (well the family part is no big deal) for her. she was my best friend at times and others my lover. i made so many cringe poems about her and i would tell her how much i loved her almost every day . . . and i meant every word of it. i know it sounds like normal average love but i can't explain it any better. i would have died for her . . . this girl that only used me in return. i'm sure she loved me, but not obsessively like me. we were inseparable . . . and i miss her platonically. she may have been my lover, but we were also best friends for most of the time. i just wish things could have been different. either way, the two examples of "love" that i have aren't very good ones. i wonder if i'll ever feel love again. ~ ``

`` ~ i would like to infiltrate the LDS book club, but it's private so i highly doubt they'd let someone like me in. ~ ``

i hate you with every fiber in my being.

`` ~ i saw that you ended it with "to me". "you are important to me" . . . "you are important" i won't tell you that i saw you delete those last words. thinking about you just makes me more confused and angry at myself for only feeling a void in return. i'm sorry that i broke up with you and i think you still love me. honestly . . . i don't know what i feel. i don't know anything. i hate you so much sometimes and it's no fault of your own . . . it's just a coping mechanism so that i don't have to face my own flaws. i wish you'd shut up and not flirt with me . . . because then i can't stop either. and then i get embarrassed. but i still don't feel anything. that upsets me. ~ ``

`` ~ when's my character arc gonna come? when am i going to have my development into a non-selfish human being? ~ ``

`` ~ i want to scratch off my face until i'm only muscle. i just want to watch myself bleed and wither away . . . ~ ``

`` ~ ughh kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself

those thoughts often come through my head.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i already feel it coming. ~ ``

`` ~ i don't want to speak to you. please stop talking. ~ ``

`` ~ love it when you're betrayed like that like hA thanks i guess i'll just try to find a new friend like how ~ ``

`` ~ Blow My Brains Out ~ ``

i just saw this song and though it really felt relatable. especially the title haha but the lyrics just make me remember her. :/

❦ `` Lyrics
sometimes i wish i could lend you my eyes
lend you my hips and lend you my thighs
sometimes i wish i could take a new shape
switch out some parts and become a big a
sometimes i wish i could lend you my ears
lend you my thoughts and lend you my tears
sometimes i wish i could take a new form
switch out some parts and become like the norm
lucky is she, who lives unaware
who doesn't get bothered by those who don't care
lucky is she, who lives unaware
who doesn't get bothered by all that's unfair
unlucky me, who knows way too much
who fights to make changes and music and such
unlucky me, aware of the pain
all 'cause i happen to have some brain
sometimes i wish I could lend you my voice
lend you my heart and lend you my choice
sometimes I hope for a savior to come
who's got what it takes to convince everyone
sometimes I wish I could lend you my shoes
lend you my life and lend you my truth
but sometimes the truth is just my point of view
not what is real and not what is true
lucky is she, who lives unaware
who doesn't get bothered by those who don't care
lucky is she, who lives unaware
who doesn't get bothered by all that's unfair
unlucky me, who knows way too much
who fights to make changes and music and such
unlucky me, aware of the pain
all 'cause I happen to have some brain
lucky is she, who lives unaware
lucky is she, who lives unaware
unlucky me, who knows way too much
who fights to make changes and music and such
unlucky me, aware of the pain
all 'cause i happen to have some brain ❧ ``

`` ~ so like last night i scratched my neck on both sides cuz it needs to be even duh and then today i had to brush each part of hair 27 times which is like not a big deal but it was annoying after a while. my neck is kinda red but i'm wearing a turtleneck. also gee i hope someone who isn't supposed to be on here isn't reading this . . . get out of here. you know who you are. ~ ``

`` ~ emery (the worst girl on planet earth) was talking about how her parents wouldn't let her get the vaccine and then our art teacher said, "because they think they'll make you more messed up than you already are?" everyone died of laughter. ~ ``