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Dove’s Journal
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✰DoveyV✰
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Dec 02, 2021 10:36AM
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i’m currently blasting my music (good 4 u) and doing my school in my room. my mom is making go to her bible study at the italian restaurant in an hour so i can baby sit her friends kids while they hang out. i don’t want to. hey taylor swift is playing now. i think i had to much caffeine, i keep zoning out and my ADHD is weirdly unactive. k later
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Ok so since my ADHD is in caffeine shock my OCD is going haywire and well i may or may not have cleaned my entire room, went through all my clothes and washed my bedding
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today hasn’t been bad i guess. i almost had an anxiety attack this morning but i took a warm shower and stopped it before it got bad. school sucks like usual but i get to write a short story for english for the whole week which is nice. i think im going to watch once upon a time tonight and try to finish my book, maybe get a little writing done. hopefully i can finish the second chapter.
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today’s been quiet because my dad and brother went to a bigger city a few hours away. so me and my mom are pretty much just watching movies. i’m about to go put out an archery target because i need to practice. i’m debating buying some more books but i’m trying to save up for Acer Laptop to idk. books are so tempting though even though i have like 50 books i own but haven’t read yet. i may post again later but till then bye.
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Well i started hyperventilating and having a sensory overload like 10 minutes into church so that sucked. but other than that today hasn’t been bad i guess. i watched the entire 3rd season of Lost in Space last night. it was good just a bit predictable. k that’s it for now see ya
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ok my day has actually gotten better. i’m drinking coffee while watching Pirates of the Caribbean and i just bought some books. so yeah, of course i’m still kinda ‘aaahhh’ inside from church earlier, but i’ll be fine. probably.
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We’re going to a bigger city today for an orthodontist appointment. we’re also going to look at lumber so i start making a built in bookshelf wall in my room, so yay. i think we might go to hobby lobby too, so hopefully my anxiety will take the day off and i can actually enjoy today. it finally feels like winter now, somewhat, it’s like 53 degrees. but yesterday it was 70 something and it was in the 90s on friday.
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I have work tomorrow but at least i don’t have to do school then. today wasn’t bad, i got books in the mail and am setting up my new laptop. so today’s entry is short but oh well
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I had work today so more money to buy books! My feet hurt though from standing on concrete all day but I'll be fine. I still havnt finished the book I'm reading I just can't get into it I don't know why. K that's it for today
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I was home alone pretty much all day so i blasted my music watched movies and other stupid thing, well after my schoolwork was done. Im currently helping make dinner since everyones home now. But it was pretty glorious day of lonesomeness
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We’re going to a cabin for the weekend. My dad just went crazy acting like i was a five year old like “do you have shoes? enough socks? your toothbrush?” of course this is normal. It’s hot today for December in the 80s but hopefully it’ll cool down a bit. People around here are starting to worry about another freeze like last January but i think their over reacting a little. My anxiety has been acting up lately but i think getting out for the weekend in a state park should help.
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My family went hiking today and now we're just hanging out at the cabin. It's super windy and cold today, but I like the cold. I got my phone taken away for being on it too much during a family trip even though my parents are on theirs even more then I am. I got a fricking giant thorn in my foot somehow and now it really hurts but I haven't told anyone how much it hurts cuz they'll think I'm overreacting or just tell me to toughen up.
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My mom decided that if we left early enough we could get back in time for church instead of spending our last day at the state park. So she woke me up early made me pack everything and we drove back, the whole way i felt like i was going to throw up just thinking about church. When we got home to change it was freezing inside but it does feel nice to be home. I told my mom i wasn’t feeling good and felt like i was going to throw up so she let me stay home thinking i was actually sick and it wasn’t anxiety. Me and my dad have to go pick up a deer that just finished getting processed but i think that’s all i have to do today.
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I have work again tomorrow so i have to get up early, but no school because of that so eh not to bad. School sucks but that’s nothing new. I need to get out of here, i need a vacation by myself somewhere quiet. But of course i’m gonna have to wait 2 and a half years till i can do that and then i’ll have to be an adult and fend for myself. Im tired all the time, sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is that i don’t want to leave without seeing the world that’s the only thing currently keeping me sane or as sane as you can call me.
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I didn’t post yesterday because i got home from work and was to tired to do much then i forgot. I’m trying to do my school but i can’t focus because my mind is a mess, it normally is but it’s a lot worse today. I don’t know why, OCD maybe but it’s like there’s all these voices that are arguing and yelling or just whispering in the back of my mind. It makes it impossible to focus though and i keep zoning out and mentally having to tell myself to shut up. Music helps a little but only one person can listen to music at once because we don’t have the family plan on itunes or apple music whatever it’s called now. But my mom is listening to her music like 24/7, she doesn’t even ask if we want to listen to it she just plays it out loud and it’s the same songs over and over and over, it’s pretty much worship music. I’m hoping it’ll storm today, it’s really windy and cloudy so hopefully. That’s it for today i guess
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Well, my mom made me pick up like about a thousand pecans today she interrupted me doing my school to make me so now I'm behind in school and stressing about it. I got some writing done though so that's good. My head was still a mess today, it used to be like this all the time before my mental health got a little better, emphasis on little, so I'm thinking it's just getting worse again. I can't wait to move out. My parents say 'being an adult is harder than you think, you'll come running back' but I know it's gonna be hard, at least it'll be better than this and I'm definitely not coming running back.
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I pretty much read all day so that was nice. I did have a community service project this morning though which is delivering food to people. So my anxiety didn’t like that but it was better than usual. I really want to watch Stardust but no one else wants to so i’m gonna have to wait till i’m alone at home apparently. I got some books from the library so now i’m trying to finish the book i’m on so i can start those. Oh no, i just realized i have church in the morning, well tomorrow’s gonna be crappy.
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Well my mom volunteered me to help clear the pastors land today. She told him i would help a week ago but only just told me last night. Isnt that wonderful. So i got up early just to clear land with a bunch of city people for 7 hours for free. People that give me anxiety and are always go go go, happy happy happy. Then when i finally got home i stressed about getting all mu school done before dinner and failed. So yeah life is great with my mom
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Ok I'm looking at Percabeth fanart now and it's making me feel better. Thank you Uncle Rick, even if you are a troll
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I haven't posted in a while, I guess I just haven't felt like engaging in life recently. I've been having more anxiety attacks and sensory overloads and stuff. Oh, and I found out my stupid sleep schedule is a symptom of ADHD, yay more symptoms. I finally got to watch Stardust though so that was nice. I got a bunch of chocolate for christmas which is unfortunately gone now but I have no regrets. I actually ate all three meals today which I'm very proud of and i found a breathing exercise that helped in church this morning. The pastor started talking about his testimony and how his life was when he was young and how he thought about committing suicide and the thoughts in his head, but I swear he kept looking right at me, anyway it freaked me out. But I'm doing a bit better now that christmas is over.
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Well, my good eating streak lasted 1 day, I apparently couldn't even hold it for a week which was my goal. I only ate half of a sandwich and a handful of chocolate chips plus drank 3 cups of coffee, and because of that my mother is now going to force me to eat more. Today was my parents 17th anniversary so they went to dinner and me and my brother got to stay home alone for like two hours. And what do we decide to do? Blast some music, watch pirates of the caribbean, eat chocolate and complain about our strict parents while acting as each other's therapist in a short sharing session. So basically stuff we can't do or don't feel comfortable doing when our parents are home. I really needed it too.
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Day 2 of my self care challenge! I’m trying this new thing where you pretend your a demon inhabiting a human body and so you have to take care of it, i found on tumblr and so far it’s working. I straightened my hair yesterday and started my skin care routine again. I’ve been eating more too, still not drinking much water but eh. I started writing again too which is good. My mother was in a bad mood last night so i hid in my room which resulted in her invading my lair and personal space to yell at me and how lazy i am. That coming from the woman who lays in her own bed all day reading devotionals and the Bible while i do school and take care of my little brother is something. But i held my tongue and zoned out halfway through and i’m so used that i just kinda chilled while she yelled. Anyway hopefully i can keep up a self care streak cuz you know i gotta outlive my enemies right?
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Well i started having a mental breakdown last night after my mom asked me what i was and about and i replied with life. I’m gonna keep this somewhat positive but she ended up asking me why i was angry at life and i said a few of things i’ve been going through some involving her which started the breakdown. she replied by saying she she’s things differently and basically said that i was lying so i told her this was why i didn’t open up by this time i was hyperventilating and doing everything i could to keep it together. but what does she do, she brings up the fact that i’m “mentally ill” in that sarcastic tone and started looking up the nearest mental hospital. i went to my room and tried to not breakdown and what does my mom do? she invaded my lair again! and starts asking me questions about how i feel. she went on to say if it doesn’t get better than she’s gonna send me away. what she doesn’t know is that she’s only seen a sliver of how i feel
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Well y'all I made it to 2022, can't wait to see what crap it throws at me because I'm just gonna throw it back. My neighbors were 3 minutes early with their fireworks and yelling for some reason but eh. Anyway Happy New Year everyone, hope it turns out to be a good one.
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Well i’ve been keeping an actual journal/diary thing and that’s why i haven’t been posting. It’s REALLY freaking me out, like what if someone reads it, what do i do then??? I’ll probably be sent to a mental hospital, which my mother actually researched the closest one a few days ago. I’m now taking anxiety meds which means she must be really freaking out i guess because she’s all ‘healthy’ and ‘natural’ and ‘organic’ that other stuff. Also therapy is gonna be new soon, i don’t know whether to be nervous or relieved or what honestly. My mom is convinced it’s because i don’t spend enough time around people and i don’t have any friends. Which is a lie, i have friends i just don’t have a bunch only a select few that actually care about me and aren’t fakes. Any way i’ll be posting more probably
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Hey y'all, been awhile. Since my last post I've almost been kicked out several times, had about a dozen if not more anxiety attacks and sensory overloads, finally figured out my sexuality, made about a hundred new book ideas or plots that I'm never gonna write, embraced being a feminist, stopped putting up with my families nerd jokes and read over 20 books. So life has been fun *cough cough* not. My dad and aunt have been trying to talk me into going to collage but they are not changing my mind, I already have a plan. I recently told my aunt I don't really want marriage and kids and you know what she said "You'll change your mind" like why does everyone assume I'm just going to change my mind or say "What if your husband wants kids?" like what husband? I just said I don't want marriage. I can't wait to be out of here but the idea of living alone has me kind of worried cuz a lot of the men in this world don't respect or understand women enough to actually listen to us. But I think I'm going to pick martial arts back up so that'll be fun, I'm super rusty though since it's been about 5 years but it'll give me something to do. Oh and I'm finally on tumblr y'all, after seeing to many fishingboatproceeds (John Green) posts on Pinterest I just decided to try it. So now I think I have another obsession. I still have songs from Into the Woods stuck in my head from when I watched it days ago so I've been randomly going "AGONY!" and my parents and brother are probably getting concerned. Anyway that's it for today see ya
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I know i keep saying i’m going to pick up this journaling thing again but apparently not. i’m about to get some piercings and am shaking like crazy, short of breath and feel like i’m about to faint. needles are like my worst fear east from a traumatic experience when i was like 4 or 5 so yeah today’s gonna be fun. i just want to get it over with though. i’ve been trying to pick up writing again and so far i’ve been pretty good about it. i gtg possibly faint while being stuck with a needle now see ya i’ll really try to keep this up this time
