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Saturday, December 4th, 2021
Today hasn't really started yet, but I figured I might write this down, since today I'm probably not going to get another chance. Today I'm going to go see my brother's Christmas musical. Then my family is going to go to lunch. >.<
See, for most people, that wouldn't be so bad. Actually, that would be a pretty good day. But I get sensory overload easily, and food makes me nauseous. And loud noises grate on my senses. You can probably see how this would be problematic.
Well, I have to go now. I may write more later.
Today hasn't really started yet, but I figured I might write this down, since today I'm probably not going to get another chance. Today I'm going to go see my brother's Christmas musical. Then my family is going to go to lunch. >.<
See, for most people, that wouldn't be so bad. Actually, that would be a pretty good day. But I get sensory overload easily, and food makes me nauseous. And loud noises grate on my senses. You can probably see how this would be problematic.
Well, I have to go now. I may write more later.
Sunday, December 5th, 2021
Ugh. Yesterday and today were both nauseating. I got to spend some time with one of my friends, so that was cool, and she makes me feel safe, but other than that... I really, seriously dislike being in places with a lot of people. When I'm not able to keep track of everyone, I start to panic. Yesterday I spent a good amount of time in a mall, then I was at church for my brother's play. And today I was at church again for an hour or so. And I'm going back again to watch my brother's play. Again.
I'm really tired of always feeling sick.
That's it for today.
Ugh. Yesterday and today were both nauseating. I got to spend some time with one of my friends, so that was cool, and she makes me feel safe, but other than that... I really, seriously dislike being in places with a lot of people. When I'm not able to keep track of everyone, I start to panic. Yesterday I spent a good amount of time in a mall, then I was at church for my brother's play. And today I was at church again for an hour or so. And I'm going back again to watch my brother's play. Again.
I'm really tired of always feeling sick.
That's it for today.
Tuesday, December 7th, 2021
It's been a couple of days since I've been able to write. I've been at rehearsals just about every spare moment. Our show opens on Friday, and I'm kind of worried. I have my lines down, but not everyone does. Today, I don't have practice, and I'm planning on going to sleep [Or trying to go to sleep] early. And taking a shower. It's been too long since I've done either of those things. xD
Well, that's all for now.
It's been a couple of days since I've been able to write. I've been at rehearsals just about every spare moment. Our show opens on Friday, and I'm kind of worried. I have my lines down, but not everyone does. Today, I don't have practice, and I'm planning on going to sleep [Or trying to go to sleep] early. And taking a shower. It's been too long since I've done either of those things. xD
Well, that's all for now.
Wednesday, December 8th, 2021
I'm so tired of feeling sick. I just... I don't sleep often, I don't eat often, I don't even drink that much water. My brother said something this morning. "You're only worried about yourself." I couldn't stop thinking on the bus ride. If only he knew...
I'll talk again tomorrow.
I'm so tired of feeling sick. I just... I don't sleep often, I don't eat often, I don't even drink that much water. My brother said something this morning. "You're only worried about yourself." I couldn't stop thinking on the bus ride. If only he knew...
I'll talk again tomorrow.
Friday, December 10th, 2021
I didn't get to write yesterday, because I was at final dress rehearsals for most of the day. TODAY IS OPENING NIGHT FOR THE PLAY I'M IN. I'm freaking terrified. There are people who decided it wasn't important to read their scripts until LAST WEEK. GAH! HELLO, ANXIETY ATTACKS.
I didn't get to write yesterday, because I was at final dress rehearsals for most of the day. TODAY IS OPENING NIGHT FOR THE PLAY I'M IN. I'm freaking terrified. There are people who decided it wasn't important to read their scripts until LAST WEEK. GAH! HELLO, ANXIETY ATTACKS.
Saturday, December 11th, 2021
Opening night went well. Surprisingly. But one of the nicest people I've ever met had a mental breakdown yesterday, and it scared me. He said some things, and got into some trouble. But now he's getting help. I don't know where he is, but I was promised by someone I trust that he's getting help.
Opening night went well. Surprisingly. But one of the nicest people I've ever met had a mental breakdown yesterday, and it scared me. He said some things, and got into some trouble. But now he's getting help. I don't know where he is, but I was promised by someone I trust that he's getting help.
Sunday, December 12th, 2021
I'm so tired. The play went even better yesterday. We didn't jump around in the script nearly as much. We still skipped around, but not as much as yesterday, and the people we had in the audience told us they didn't notice the mistakes when we quizzed them about it later in the evening.
I don't want to go to church today. There's too many people there, and I'm nauseous and dizzy enough already. I ate yesterday. Big mistake. Adrenaline plus food in a stomach that can't handle food is a bad mix.
I'm so tired. The play went even better yesterday. We didn't jump around in the script nearly as much. We still skipped around, but not as much as yesterday, and the people we had in the audience told us they didn't notice the mistakes when we quizzed them about it later in the evening.
I don't want to go to church today. There's too many people there, and I'm nauseous and dizzy enough already. I ate yesterday. Big mistake. Adrenaline plus food in a stomach that can't handle food is a bad mix.
Monday, December 13th, 2021
Today is the first day where I don't have drama in a good long while. I don't know what to do with myself. >.>
Today is the first day where I don't have drama in a good long while. I don't know what to do with myself. >.>
Tuesday, December 14th, 2021
Ugh. I'm so tired. So tired. I kind of want to just curl up, and not exist anymore. But I can't, because that would hurt people around me. I slept for almost three hours last night. For the first time, the sleeping medicine I took didn't make my nightmares more vivid, and I had three hours to just breathe, and not think.
Ugh. I'm so tired. So tired. I kind of want to just curl up, and not exist anymore. But I can't, because that would hurt people around me. I slept for almost three hours last night. For the first time, the sleeping medicine I took didn't make my nightmares more vivid, and I had three hours to just breathe, and not think.
Wednesday, December 15th, 2021
Ten days till Christmas! IT'S SNOWING!!! :D The first time this winter, where I am.
Ten days till Christmas! IT'S SNOWING!!! :D The first time this winter, where I am.
Thursday, December 16th, 2021
It's still snowy. Some people couldn't get out of their houses, but for some reason, school wasn't canceled, so they're actually missing stuff. Winter break starts next week. :3 It's kind of weird to me that Christmas is next weekend. >.> Time has been flying, but also crawling by at the same time.
It's still snowy. Some people couldn't get out of their houses, but for some reason, school wasn't canceled, so they're actually missing stuff. Winter break starts next week. :3 It's kind of weird to me that Christmas is next weekend. >.> Time has been flying, but also crawling by at the same time.
Friday, December 24th, 2021
It's Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas, y'all. :)
I've been stuck at home for a week. x.x But I did get to spend some time away. That was nice. Tomorrow is Christmas. I don't know how I feel about that.
I've been kind of numb recently. I've been acting excited, though. I
may have over-done it slightly. xD When I'm acting more excited about Christmas than my little brothers, it gets suspicious.
Now I'm feeling all mushy and sappy, though. I had a touching conversation recently, with a person who means the world to me, and I kind of feel like crying. Ugh. I'm not used to being this... happy. Bleck.
xD
It's Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas, y'all. :)
I've been stuck at home for a week. x.x But I did get to spend some time away. That was nice. Tomorrow is Christmas. I don't know how I feel about that.
I've been kind of numb recently. I've been acting excited, though. I
may have over-done it slightly. xD When I'm acting more excited about Christmas than my little brothers, it gets suspicious.
Now I'm feeling all mushy and sappy, though. I had a touching conversation recently, with a person who means the world to me, and I kind of feel like crying. Ugh. I'm not used to being this... happy. Bleck.
xD
Saturday, December 25th, 2021
Yikes. Christmas.
I'm kind of tired, but today was pretty okay, I guess. For a holiday, at least. I just finished a drawing of a little goblin. For Christmas, I was given a whole bunch of Prismacolors. O.O They're beautiful. *Not me, mooning over a box of colored pencils*
xD
Yikes. Christmas.
I'm kind of tired, but today was pretty okay, I guess. For a holiday, at least. I just finished a drawing of a little goblin. For Christmas, I was given a whole bunch of Prismacolors. O.O They're beautiful. *Not me, mooning over a box of colored pencils*
xD
Sunday, December 26th, 2021
Today has been kind of nice, I guess. We got snow. :3 A lot of it, for this area, at least. My brothers and I went sledding, and we made a stockpile of snowballs and slushballs. I'm just about tired of human interaction, though.
I gave myself frostbite... But only a little bit. Shouldn't take long for the dead skin to be replaced by healthy skin.
Today has been kind of nice, I guess. We got snow. :3 A lot of it, for this area, at least. My brothers and I went sledding, and we made a stockpile of snowballs and slushballs. I'm just about tired of human interaction, though.
I gave myself frostbite... But only a little bit. Shouldn't take long for the dead skin to be replaced by healthy skin.
Monday, December 27th, 2021
Today was not one of my better days. I couldn't keep down the two spoonfuls of mashed potatoes and one green bean I was able to choke down, and then I tucked myself away in my closet. I curled into a ball, and had an anxiety attack.
My brothers were yelling at each other.
They kind of terrify me. It only took one time where each of them got mad enough to hurt me for me to become wary of them. I don't even feel safe in my little corner of the world anymore, because my brain keeps always telling me I'm in danger.
Plus, my mom has my anxiety meds, and she keeps track of how often I take them. So that option is out. I'm just so tired... I don't know how I'll be able to keep going sometimes. But no one has to really worry about me until one of my core group of friends dies. I'll keep going unless that happens. For them.
Today was not one of my better days. I couldn't keep down the two spoonfuls of mashed potatoes and one green bean I was able to choke down, and then I tucked myself away in my closet. I curled into a ball, and had an anxiety attack.
My brothers were yelling at each other.
They kind of terrify me. It only took one time where each of them got mad enough to hurt me for me to become wary of them. I don't even feel safe in my little corner of the world anymore, because my brain keeps always telling me I'm in danger.
Plus, my mom has my anxiety meds, and she keeps track of how often I take them. So that option is out. I'm just so tired... I don't know how I'll be able to keep going sometimes. But no one has to really worry about me until one of my core group of friends dies. I'll keep going unless that happens. For them.
Wednesday, December 29th, 2021
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I just feel... alone. I'm sitting in the dark, staring at the wall, and trying to focus on my book. Most of the time that works. But today I just can't... deal with everything. Every time I glance at the page, the love surrounding the characters and the web of relationships just make my world look darker, the shadows on the walls dancing in the silence while I sit here. Alone. Hidden. Separated from the world by a slat of wood. I try to drown out my brain with music, but I can't drown out the voice that keeps telling me I'm worthless.
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I just feel... alone. I'm sitting in the dark, staring at the wall, and trying to focus on my book. Most of the time that works. But today I just can't... deal with everything. Every time I glance at the page, the love surrounding the characters and the web of relationships just make my world look darker, the shadows on the walls dancing in the silence while I sit here. Alone. Hidden. Separated from the world by a slat of wood. I try to drown out my brain with music, but I can't drown out the voice that keeps telling me I'm worthless.
Sunday, January 2nd, 2022
I lived to 2022. I'm not sure whether to be proud of that, or upset that I have any reason to be proud of it. I think I'm experiencing a mixture of both. Now I just have to make it to '23. Then '24. And so on. My goal is to make it to adulthood.
Today was pretty bad. I had a flashback. Now I'm too freaked out to leave the house. I don't want to be around people. Not even the people I rely on for my sanity. And definitely not my family. They're at church right now.
I acted tired, and asked to stay home.
As usual, my mother assumed that I was having difficulties with my 'relationship with God'. I'm not having difficulties. I just don't have one. But of course, that must be it, because there's no way that I could just be hurting. Nah, kids are resilient. They don't hurt. Their lives are easy.
Stupid, lazy, ignorant, weird, crazy... These are all words used to describe my age group.
News flash: I'm trying. I'm trying to work for my future. I'm trying to make everyone happy. I'm destroying my mental health, and I just can't do it. I can't work for my future, because I don't see myself having one. I can't make everyone happy, because I can't pretend I'm happy anymore. I can't...
And it hurts.
I lived to 2022. I'm not sure whether to be proud of that, or upset that I have any reason to be proud of it. I think I'm experiencing a mixture of both. Now I just have to make it to '23. Then '24. And so on. My goal is to make it to adulthood.
Today was pretty bad. I had a flashback. Now I'm too freaked out to leave the house. I don't want to be around people. Not even the people I rely on for my sanity. And definitely not my family. They're at church right now.
I acted tired, and asked to stay home.
As usual, my mother assumed that I was having difficulties with my 'relationship with God'. I'm not having difficulties. I just don't have one. But of course, that must be it, because there's no way that I could just be hurting. Nah, kids are resilient. They don't hurt. Their lives are easy.
Stupid, lazy, ignorant, weird, crazy... These are all words used to describe my age group.
News flash: I'm trying. I'm trying to work for my future. I'm trying to make everyone happy. I'm destroying my mental health, and I just can't do it. I can't work for my future, because I don't see myself having one. I can't make everyone happy, because I can't pretend I'm happy anymore. I can't...
And it hurts.
Tuesday, January 18th, 2022
The story of my life:
https://open.spotify.com/track/6LmgJR...
Sometimes I wonder
Would you visit when I'm gone?
Put petals on my stone?
Remember me happy
Or not even at all?
These thoughts are monsters in my head
It's a battle I won't win
This can't go on forever
Here's hoping it gets better
The story of my life:
https://open.spotify.com/track/6LmgJR...
Sometimes I wonder
Would you visit when I'm gone?
Put petals on my stone?
Remember me happy
Or not even at all?
These thoughts are monsters in my head
It's a battle I won't win
This can't go on forever
Here's hoping it gets better
Sunday, February 6th, 2022
I spent hours sitting on the roof yesterday... o.o It was amazing...
I spent hours sitting on the roof yesterday... o.o It was amazing...
Monday, February 14th, 2022
I realized today that I have some really bad coping mechanisms. xD Obviously, I'm kind of slow. I can write this right now, because technically, it's the 14th. It's 12:15am. I can't sleep. My thoughts keep chasing each other around in my head, in my chest, until the weight of it makes me unable to breathe, and I'm sure everyone around me should hear me screaming, except-
Except I'm not screaming. I'm not speaking. Hell, I can barely get up in the mornings, and some days I don't even manage that. The fear is eating me alive from the inside out, and I can't even make myself open my mouth and tell someone I feel alone. Because that makes me weak.
And if I'm weak, I'm worthless. If I'm worthless, then that's all the more reason for me to be alone. I don't have anything to offer the people who are important to me. I can't even give them me, because I can't figure out what I am.
That, or I know exactly what I am. Broken.
Worthless.
I realized today that I have some really bad coping mechanisms. xD Obviously, I'm kind of slow. I can write this right now, because technically, it's the 14th. It's 12:15am. I can't sleep. My thoughts keep chasing each other around in my head, in my chest, until the weight of it makes me unable to breathe, and I'm sure everyone around me should hear me screaming, except-
Except I'm not screaming. I'm not speaking. Hell, I can barely get up in the mornings, and some days I don't even manage that. The fear is eating me alive from the inside out, and I can't even make myself open my mouth and tell someone I feel alone. Because that makes me weak.
And if I'm weak, I'm worthless. If I'm worthless, then that's all the more reason for me to be alone. I don't have anything to offer the people who are important to me. I can't even give them me, because I can't figure out what I am.
That, or I know exactly what I am. Broken.
Worthless.
Tuesday, February 15th, 2022
Today is my birthday...
Me: 15, Death: 0
Today is my birthday...
Me: 15, Death: 0
Wednesday, February 16th, 2022
This is the last day before a five-day break. >.> I totally forgot that I have a doctor's appointment today, and double-booked myself. Today is also one of nine drama practices until the play. So, yeah. Today is going to be rather chaotic.
The play was technically supposed to be a junior high play, but not enough people volunteered, so a friend and I were asked to participate. I'm super excited, but I'm only going to be able to go to eight practices. >.< At least I don't have a whole lot of lines...
This is the last day before a five-day break. >.> I totally forgot that I have a doctor's appointment today, and double-booked myself. Today is also one of nine drama practices until the play. So, yeah. Today is going to be rather chaotic.
The play was technically supposed to be a junior high play, but not enough people volunteered, so a friend and I were asked to participate. I'm super excited, but I'm only going to be able to go to eight practices. >.< At least I don't have a whole lot of lines...
Sunday, February 20th, 2022
Okay, today is going to be a rant day... >.< Please disregard this entire post. I'm in a bad head space. Thank you.
The nightmares have come back. It doesn't matter if I'm asleep, or awake, they hunt me. I can feel them. The cold claws digging into my spine. The feeling that I will never be safe. The feeling that everyone should hear me screaming, should feel me dying.
But no one can. Because I stay silent, even though it's killing me, tearing me apart from the inside out. I don't want to be a burden. I want to die.
I've told two people. Exactly two. I only ever planned to tell one. But the person I told didn't give a shit. So I told another person. Guess what: Nothing.
I don't know why I'm still alive. That's a lie, I know exactly why. Because as hard as I fight to shake my friends, as hard as I push them away, I know it would hurt them if I were to simply stop breathing.
So I keep going. I'm not scared of death. I'm scared of pain. I saw a quote once, and it said something like this: Suicide is like jumping out of a burning building. No one stands down below, yelling don't jump when someone jumps from a burning building. The fear of the drop isn't gone from the person jumping, it's simply overwhelmed, drowned out by the fear of the fire. But no one can see the flames eating at a person who commits suicide. So they don't understand the pain, the fear of living to see even one more day, the terror eating you alive.
Yesterday, my parents had a dinner planned with some of their friends. I wanted to stay home. But my mother said either we could cancel, or I would have to go with them. I can't be a burden, so I went. They don't understand. What I gave up so that they could go see these other people.
I gave up a night of sleep. Three hours of peace, rather than panic. One fucking night where I didn't have to resort to cutting to let the pressure out from under my skin. One day, where I didn't have to worry about opening my cuts in my sleep, getting blood on the sheets. One night without a panic attack. Without the nightmares draining me, bit by bit.
They think I'm selfish. Because I didn't want to go to church today.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. But if my family were to find out I feel this way, if they were to find the knives... There would be nothing that would keep me from death. No way could I live with that.
If I had a broken leg, or some sort of physical injury, no one would expect me to do the things they expect me to do. I'm dying, slowly, torturously, from the inside. And everyone expects me to be happy, to do my piece for the community. Little do they know, my worst days are when people tell me, 'It's been ages since I've seen you smile this much'.
And I feel like a waste of oxygen, of flesh and bone, because I just can't. I can't.
Okay, today is going to be a rant day... >.< Please disregard this entire post. I'm in a bad head space. Thank you.
The nightmares have come back. It doesn't matter if I'm asleep, or awake, they hunt me. I can feel them. The cold claws digging into my spine. The feeling that I will never be safe. The feeling that everyone should hear me screaming, should feel me dying.
But no one can. Because I stay silent, even though it's killing me, tearing me apart from the inside out. I don't want to be a burden. I want to die.
I've told two people. Exactly two. I only ever planned to tell one. But the person I told didn't give a shit. So I told another person. Guess what: Nothing.
I don't know why I'm still alive. That's a lie, I know exactly why. Because as hard as I fight to shake my friends, as hard as I push them away, I know it would hurt them if I were to simply stop breathing.
So I keep going. I'm not scared of death. I'm scared of pain. I saw a quote once, and it said something like this: Suicide is like jumping out of a burning building. No one stands down below, yelling don't jump when someone jumps from a burning building. The fear of the drop isn't gone from the person jumping, it's simply overwhelmed, drowned out by the fear of the fire. But no one can see the flames eating at a person who commits suicide. So they don't understand the pain, the fear of living to see even one more day, the terror eating you alive.
Yesterday, my parents had a dinner planned with some of their friends. I wanted to stay home. But my mother said either we could cancel, or I would have to go with them. I can't be a burden, so I went. They don't understand. What I gave up so that they could go see these other people.
I gave up a night of sleep. Three hours of peace, rather than panic. One fucking night where I didn't have to resort to cutting to let the pressure out from under my skin. One day, where I didn't have to worry about opening my cuts in my sleep, getting blood on the sheets. One night without a panic attack. Without the nightmares draining me, bit by bit.
They think I'm selfish. Because I didn't want to go to church today.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. But if my family were to find out I feel this way, if they were to find the knives... There would be nothing that would keep me from death. No way could I live with that.
If I had a broken leg, or some sort of physical injury, no one would expect me to do the things they expect me to do. I'm dying, slowly, torturously, from the inside. And everyone expects me to be happy, to do my piece for the community. Little do they know, my worst days are when people tell me, 'It's been ages since I've seen you smile this much'.
And I feel like a waste of oxygen, of flesh and bone, because I just can't. I can't.
Tuesday, February 22nd, 2022
Yikes. Just re-read a lot of my journal. o.o Whoops. When I asked for this topic, I was expecting to be wearing my mask when I wrote it. You know, happy, content, nerdy...
...
Whoops.
Anyways, my day hasn't been great, but it hasn't been super sucky either. I feel sick, but it's my normal sick, not COVID-19 sick. The only reason I'm at school today is my first period, and maybe my third period... I'm thinking about asking to go home after that.
I slept last night! Almost an entire hour! :3 My sleeping meds seem to be helping.. I think.
Yikes. Just re-read a lot of my journal. o.o Whoops. When I asked for this topic, I was expecting to be wearing my mask when I wrote it. You know, happy, content, nerdy...
...
Whoops.
Anyways, my day hasn't been great, but it hasn't been super sucky either. I feel sick, but it's my normal sick, not COVID-19 sick. The only reason I'm at school today is my first period, and maybe my third period... I'm thinking about asking to go home after that.
I slept last night! Almost an entire hour! :3 My sleeping meds seem to be helping.. I think.
Friday, March 4th, 2022
TRIGGER WARNING.
I'm so. Freaking. Tired. I just need someone to see that I'm hurting. I need someone to tolerate my touch, just for a minute, just so I can know that I'm real, I'm here, I matter.
Today, I contemplated laying under one of the cars in the school parking lot. My head right by one of the front wheels. That way, my head would pop like a balloon stepped on by an elephant. The relationship between my brain and my nerves would be severed, and I wouldn't feel the pain while I'm waiting for my consciousness to fade.
I just need someone to care.
The only thing that stopped me from laying down on the concrete is the fact that whoever ran me over would be traumatized for the rest of their life. And I can't do that to someone.
I know exactly what would happen afterwards, too. My family, and my friends would grieve for a little while. There would be a funeral. People would have candles, and a lot of people from school would get together. But only a select few would care.
A few months into the future, I would be wiped completely from existence. It happened for the last couple of kids who died young. I watched it happen.
And I just need someone to care.
I had a nice day.
TRIGGER WARNING.
Today, I contemplated laying under one of the cars in the school parking lot. My head right by one of the front wheels. That way, my head would pop like a balloon stepped on by an elephant. The relationship between my brain and my nerves would be severed, and I wouldn't feel the pain while I'm waiting for my consciousness to fade.
I just need someone to care.
The only thing that stopped me from laying down on the concrete is the fact that whoever ran me over would be traumatized for the rest of their life. And I can't do that to someone.
I know exactly what would happen afterwards, too. My family, and my friends would grieve for a little while. There would be a funeral. People would have candles, and a lot of people from school would get together. But only a select few would care.
A few months into the future, I would be wiped completely from existence. It happened for the last couple of kids who died young. I watched it happen.
And I just need someone to care.
I had a nice day.
Thursday, March 17th, 2022
Today is one of my favorite days of the week. :) Thursdays are very nice. I started Track, and it seems to be helping my depression and anxiety issues, especially when combined with the new medicine I was prescribed. I'm in Science right now, and I've finished my work already, so I get to sit on goodreads for a little while, and listen to music. Right now I'm listening to my 'Dark Mood' playlist, but I'm actually feeling pretty good.
I actually slept last night, so that is also probably a contributor to my good mood. Plus, I was just talking to my girlfriend, so I'm basically the happiest in this one moment than I've been in a good long while. Today is a good day. :)
Also, yesterday someone cared enough to force me to eat something, because I hadn't eaten all day. It was the most incredible thing. It made my entire day.
The song on my playlist just switched, and the first thing I hear is, 'Where's my f*cking lighter? Where's my f*cking lighter?' in a ridiculous, squeaky voice. xD
I'm so freaking happy right now, I don't really trust the feeling. >.>
Today is one of my favorite days of the week. :) Thursdays are very nice. I started Track, and it seems to be helping my depression and anxiety issues, especially when combined with the new medicine I was prescribed. I'm in Science right now, and I've finished my work already, so I get to sit on goodreads for a little while, and listen to music. Right now I'm listening to my 'Dark Mood' playlist, but I'm actually feeling pretty good.
I actually slept last night, so that is also probably a contributor to my good mood. Plus, I was just talking to my girlfriend, so I'm basically the happiest in this one moment than I've been in a good long while. Today is a good day. :)
Also, yesterday someone cared enough to force me to eat something, because I hadn't eaten all day. It was the most incredible thing. It made my entire day.
The song on my playlist just switched, and the first thing I hear is, 'Where's my f*cking lighter? Where's my f*cking lighter?' in a ridiculous, squeaky voice. xD
I'm so freaking happy right now, I don't really trust the feeling. >.>
Sunday, March 20, 2022
Today is one of those days where the cold is so deeply ingrained in me that it's sunken into my bones. I've hugged so many people and animals today, trying to absorb their warmth, their light. It's not
working. All I end up doing is making them annoyed by my presence, by my proximity. Goodnight, world. I don't know if I want to wake up again tomorrow, but I will. I have to.
Today is one of those days where the cold is so deeply ingrained in me that it's sunken into my bones. I've hugged so many people and animals today, trying to absorb their warmth, their light. It's not
working. All I end up doing is making them annoyed by my presence, by my proximity. Goodnight, world. I don't know if I want to wake up again tomorrow, but I will. I have to.
Monday, March 21, 2022
It's a little bit after two in the morning. I'm d***ed tired, but my body has decided, 'Okay. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to stare at the ceiling, and listen to loud music.' So that's what I've been doing for the past five hours.
It's a little bit after two in the morning. I'm d***ed tired, but my body has decided, 'Okay. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to stare at the ceiling, and listen to loud music.' So that's what I've been doing for the past five hours.
Monday, March 28th, 2022
I can feel myself sinking again. Into the dark. My defenses against my demons are failing again, and I just fixed them, just got them back up. I feel numb. I hear people say a phrase that I feel fits this situation really well: The calm before the storm.
I still have marks from last time, on my arm. Weak. Be happy. Breathe. Written in blood. I don't know any healthy ways that work as well as the cutting. And I am sick and tired of being broken. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I can feel myself sinking again. Into the dark. My defenses against my demons are failing again, and I just fixed them, just got them back up. I feel numb. I hear people say a phrase that I feel fits this situation really well: The calm before the storm.
I still have marks from last time, on my arm. Weak. Be happy. Breathe. Written in blood. I don't know any healthy ways that work as well as the cutting. And I am sick and tired of being broken. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Sunday, April 3rd, 2022
Today I learned that when we're at church, we use "I can't wait to rejoin God." not "I want to fucking die."
Don't you just love that? <3 xD
Please disregard this post, I don't have the slightest clue what my brain is doing right now. It's speaking in gibberish, and then my fingers started moving.
Today I learned that when we're at church, we use "I can't wait to rejoin God." not "I want to fucking die."
Don't you just love that? <3 xD
Please disregard this post, I don't have the slightest clue what my brain is doing right now. It's speaking in gibberish, and then my fingers started moving.
Saturday, April 9th, 2022
Earlier today and part of yesterday night, I had a mental breakdown. I couldn't move, couldn't think past the terror flooding my mind. I had spotify open on my computer next to me, but I couldn't really do anything, because I was too scared to move. I've never felt that kind of fear before. I've been afraid, sometimes to the extent that I'm dealing with residual fear for days afterwards, but never that paralyzing, crushing fear that felt like it was going to crush me.
Strangle me.
It was horrible.
Earlier today and part of yesterday night, I had a mental breakdown. I couldn't move, couldn't think past the terror flooding my mind. I had spotify open on my computer next to me, but I couldn't really do anything, because I was too scared to move. I've never felt that kind of fear before. I've been afraid, sometimes to the extent that I'm dealing with residual fear for days afterwards, but never that paralyzing, crushing fear that felt like it was going to crush me.
Strangle me.
It was horrible.
Tuesday, April 12th, 2022
Today has been a good day. :) I always get this sort of emotional high after an episode for a couple of days, and I can feel myself calming down, so that's nice. I had a math test, which I enjoyed. I know, I know, weird. But I really like them. I get an hour [an entire class period] of silence, when I only really take ten to twenty minutes to finish. It's especially helpful that I took a lot of math classes online, so I've already gone over some of this stuff.
Speaking of which, I need to do that more. Maybe, like half as much at once, but I still need to get back to it. And the tests. I need to bring my notes to school so that I can take the tests. I feel like now it'll be a bit easier for me, because I've kind of caught myself up, and I can recognize some of the ideas that I'm going to be learning. For example: We learned sine, cosine, and tangent angle relationships earlier in the year, and there's about a week's worth of work based on them a couple of lessons from now.
Anyways... Yeah. :)
Today has been a good day. :) I always get this sort of emotional high after an episode for a couple of days, and I can feel myself calming down, so that's nice. I had a math test, which I enjoyed. I know, I know, weird. But I really like them. I get an hour [an entire class period] of silence, when I only really take ten to twenty minutes to finish. It's especially helpful that I took a lot of math classes online, so I've already gone over some of this stuff.
Speaking of which, I need to do that more. Maybe, like half as much at once, but I still need to get back to it. And the tests. I need to bring my notes to school so that I can take the tests. I feel like now it'll be a bit easier for me, because I've kind of caught myself up, and I can recognize some of the ideas that I'm going to be learning. For example: We learned sine, cosine, and tangent angle relationships earlier in the year, and there's about a week's worth of work based on them a couple of lessons from now.
Anyways... Yeah. :)
Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
It's almost ironic that I keep thinking things are getting better. Every time I drop my guard, something else comes up, something that threatens to break me. Another cause for isolation, another broken friendship, another reason to hate myself.
I can't protect everyone whist continuing to take care of myself. And I'm starting to not give a shit about myself. But there's just enough left of me to know that that is not healthy. Just enough to be scared.
I don't know what to do.
It's almost ironic that I keep thinking things are getting better. Every time I drop my guard, something else comes up, something that threatens to break me. Another cause for isolation, another broken friendship, another reason to hate myself.
I can't protect everyone whist continuing to take care of myself. And I'm starting to not give a shit about myself. But there's just enough left of me to know that that is not healthy. Just enough to be scared.
I don't know what to do.
Today has been a pretty good day, I think. Normal, at least. I slept about an hour last night, then came to school this morning. It was late start here, so I was staring at the ceiling for several hours before getting up. >.< I'm ahead in all of my classes right now, so in homeroom I was world-building. It was a lot of fun. Plus, I'm online right now in Math, so that's pretty cool. I did my homework at the beginning of class, so I'm basically free all weekend.
Today is practice for Drama. I'll be at school until 6:30. It's 11:59 right now. Twenty-six minutes until lunch. Opening night is next Friday. :3 I'm super excited!
That's all for now.