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hello! so i use wattpad to post all of my writing including havencrest. but i will post sections on here and then do what you would like with them! so i'm first going to post my informational just because i need to make sure it is as grammatically correct as possible and i have been told that there are a few spelling errors so there's that too. okay, ready?
HAVENCREST - novel of some sort...
Mod
Informational
HAVENCREST RUN-DOWN
In the country of Inea a festival and trial take place. The royal family of Haven created the Havencrest festival and trails due to the fact they had such a hard time finding themselves a spouse. Since the beginning of when House Haven was formed only male heirs were born first. Because of this, and the fact none of their heirs could find their perfect match and keep the bloodline strong they formed Havencrest. Named after themselves of course. Havencrst consists of two things, a festival for all of Inea to celebrate the Kingling and his soon-to-be Queen. The second is the trials. These trials are where 24 women are shoved into an arena and are forced to fight to the death. Whoever comes out on top wins the crown and the throne. But they also win their life.
Now, 300 years later, House Haven still rules over Inea. Their fist is strong and merciless. But this year will be special. 24 girls from across Inea are sent into the arena but what happens in the arena is what is so confusing. The girls of this year's Havencrest trails are different, never seen before. They have magical abilities.
HAVENCREST INFORMATION - champions
The moment the girls are born they are tested for a gene. They call this the Champion gene. They only look for this gene the year or two after the Kingling is born. This is so they can have their first 24 removed from their families before the parents and/or families can get attached. It is a law that you must not cause a scene if your child has the gene and is confiscated. This gene was found to have properties in it that made the female child stronger, healthier, and it gave them the ability to be fertile. That was the biggest thing with the doctors that found this gene and that were experimenting on it. All the girls that had this gene would be extremely fertile and would be able to reproduce quickly and efficiently with no problems. They wanted to make sure the Champions could have children.
Once the children were taken from their parents they are placed in a home where they grow up till they are the age of 8. While they are there they are able to meet the other 23 girls with them. They are taught the proper ways of a lady. How to sit, eat, stand, walk, talk. Everything. They learn how to fight and do it well. Everything is drilled into their heads while they are there for those eight years. The girls learn to kill.
Through those years they are forced to learn things that no eight-year-old should have to. But by the time they are eight or seven - it depends on their birthday - they are then transferred to the auction center. This is where the High Houses (all ten of them) and some of the wealthier lower houses are able to purchase one Champion. In the end, all of the Champions are bought. After all of them are bought they are brought to their new owner's house. Their new Lord or Lady has sworn to protect you and train you at all costs. Their job is to make sure they are ready for the Havencrest trials. But the biggest problem is that they don't tell their Champions about Havencrest. They are just told they are special and must be kept safe - or some version of that.
HAVENCREST INFORMATION - special year
It has now been 300 year since the first ever Havencrest. The greatest minds in Inea could have never guessed what was going to happen this year of Havencrest. The Champions were either blessed or cursed with abilities like no other. In Inea if you are different you are looked down upon and considered an outcast. But with this years Champions the bets have already started. Wich magical ability is the strongest? Which one will win?
HAVENCREST INFORMATION - heirchary
The hierarchy is much like a normal kingdom. It has a king and queen, and nobles and things like that.
the king: The "king" used to be the kindling and he has already had his Havencrst trials and found his bride. The king has the highest authority in the kingdom.
the queen: The "queen" is a Champion. She was the Campion that won Havencrst and became not only the kings wife but the queen of Inea.
the kingling: This is the son of the king and queen. He will have the title of kingling until his Havencrest trials are complete and he has his Champion queen. Can also be known as the crown prince in other countries.
the high houses: There are a total of ten High Houses including the royal family. Without counting the royal family there are nine High Houses. These houses act as the highest nobles, just right under the king himself. They are all extremely wealthy and marry into other High House families.
the lower houses: They do not have an official name like the High Houses do but these people have noble blood in them, but they are not pure-blood nobles. Some can be very wealthy, just a little below the High Houses. If you are a lower house you can never be in a High House unless married into.
the kingdom's people: The rest of the kingdom is merchants and workers. They can be wealthy but most are not. Most live in poverty and along the streets. Outside the palace and high house circle walls, the rest of the country is a dirty place. Most nobles never go through them because they are scared they could get a disease.
Mod
both, i want to enter this into some wattpad contests so everything has to be really good so if you don't mind could you take a look at the informational?
Mod
Gotcha covered! I have a few suggestions:
1) There are several places where you say things like "and things like that" or something similar. These give the impression that you don't have information on that stuff or you were too lazy to talk about it. You might want to consider being a bit more specific.
2) There were multiple run-on sentences which could use some help.
3) I got a bit confused about the whole age thing. First you say when they're 8 they go to a specific house where they're all together, but then about a paragraph you say that when they're 7 or 8 they go to separate houses belonging to royal family members after they've been purchased. I may have misread it, but if I didn't, you should probably revise that. :)
4) The last thing is this: why is it only now that they have magical powers? What changed?
Okay, I think I can find some more things if I read through it again, but that's all I've got at this present moment.
okay! wow! this is all really good information!!!!!
@1 it probably says a lot of that because i wrote it really late at night cause i couldn't sleep. but that makes sense. i will take a look at each of those places and make note of them to see on how much more specific i can be.
@2 run-on sentences are my biggest enemy while writing. you will see a looooooot of run-on sentences lol i will do my best to find each of them and correct them :)
@3 ah, i get your confusion. and again sleep-deprived. so what i was thinking which was stupid then and now i know how to correct it - is that every girl should be born on the same year. i don't know why i made it sound like they weren't all born in the same year. so all of them are born on the same year, which would mean when they go to the auction they would be eight. so i think the auction would actually be new years? like what our new years would be, but instead it would just happen to be the day that they get auctioned off on. and that would mean they would all be eight, some would just have more months on them, but they would all be eight.
@4 ah that is also another idea i am trying to like describe and discover, but i have had a bit of writer's block on that part? but that is like one of the biggest parts of the story is kenna's fire abilites. but that is something i have to develop a little more :)
Mod
okay! wow! this is all really good information!!!!!
@1 it probably says a lot of that because i wrote it really late at night cause i couldn't sleep. but that makes sense. i will take a look at..."
1) Lol I felt that on way too deep a level...
2) Haha I felt that one too! I'll just call you out if I see one.
3) So wait, I'm still a bit confused: you said they all go to the same house before getting auctioned off. How long does that last? When do they go and when do they get auctioned off? And then who trains them once they get auctioned? And how do the buyers decide who they want? Sorry I'm getting invested now lol...
4) Ooooof writer's block though. :( I'm sure you'll figure out though!
5) Another thing: how do they test them for the Champion gene? You don't really need to have that in the informational, I'm just curious. :)
@1, @2, & @4 lol i know. im trying my best to help myself. :)
@3 okay, so before they are auctioned off, they go into as of right now im calling "the holding house". this is where they live until they are eight. once they are eight, they will go to the "auction house" and then they will all go to different homes ( the nobles homes ) and live there until the Kingling calls Havencrest.
@5 good question! so you know how these days scientists have enough technology to test dna and just find different things? thats what im thinking here except its on a whole other level. again i do need to think more on this a bit. but i think it might be something in their blood. like a blood marker of some sort? kinda like if you have ever watched divergent it would kinda have that same vibe to it. they would test for this blood marker gene and it would only be the year the kingling is born of a few years after. another things is for it to be the special year i'm thinking maybe this blood marker developed into something new and it was a lot stronger this year and they only found ones with that specific blood marker ( the more developed kind ) and then thats how they got abilites. but i need to figure out how those abilites even develop.
another note: thankyou for all of this! its forcing me to think and i like it!!!
Mod
@1, @2, & @4 lol i know. im trying my best to help myself. :)
@3 okay, so before they are auctioned off, they go into as of right now im calling "the holding house". this is where they live u..."
@1, @2, & @4 lol I feeeeellll
@3 Okay, that makes more sense. Maybe just redo that part in the informational because either it wasn't clear or I have cotton balls for a brain (the second option is probably true lol)
@5 Okay, okay, I see, I see. :) I think that's actually a really good idea! This does occur in a different world, right?
@another note: Lol I'm glad! I like forcing people to think because that's what my mom does to me with my story and it really helps!
@3 okay i will get right on that. and what i might even do is take all this information that we just discussed and write an entirely new one, just so its easier for me to comprehend what im writing. and i won't do it so late at night lol. i will work on that today and tomorrow hopefully i will have it done before the end of the week :)
@5 okay! and thank you! yes this is in an entirely different world, except i am using like descriptions of different states ( like arizona ) for the places that kenna visits and everything.
another note: so while i am working on this new informational do you want me to post the prologue? or wait until i have shown you the full edited version of the informational? i just don't want you to get super swamped :)
Mod
@3 okay i will get right on that. and what i might even do is take all this information that we just discussed and write an entirely new one, just so its easier for me to comprehend what im wri..."
AAAAAAHHHH sorry it took me so long to respond I've been running madly between three different character castles lol.
@3 Lol this is me every time someone finds one of the many monstrous plot holes in my book so I feel you! I shall look forward to reading the new one! :)
@5 Oh that's actually really smart! And unique. I don't see that done very often.
another note: Sure! I'll only be able to review the prologue before I have to go do other things, but don't worry about swamping me. I can handle muchas swamps! XD
all good! take your time!
@3 okay!
@5 it helps me describe places lol so thats what i do :)
another note: okay, i'll post it but don't worry about reviewing it just yet. whenever you have the time :)
Prologue
Some would say a child's birth is something everyone should enjoy. A new life brought into the world. The child would be named and cared for by the mother and father. That's how the stories would go. Laughter and joy would only be what the day would be about; forever a memory in each of their minds. Love would be what went around as the child was passed along to all the family members that had come to witness. But that's not how my story started. My story started with my mother crying.
I remember trying to reach for her hair. It was a deep shade of brown. Like the mud that lays underneath a flowing river. My hands brushed up against its curls. I could feel the happiness radiating off her. I could feel her bright smile and tears of joy. I remember hearing my fathers laugh, watching me play. But even happy things are never kept for long. They should have known that something wrong was bound to happen. Within the moment my eyes fluttered open I was ripped from my mother's arms. Never able to get a glance at my mother's face. My mother's tears of joy turned to tears of confusion, sadness, rage. All of it combined to make the tears that trailed down her face. Words of anger erupt from both my mother's and father's mouths.
And that's all I remember of them and that moment.
The rest was a blur of bright lights and dark voices. Most of my life before I was sold is a lost memory. I remember the feeling of being alone. That feeling comforts me now. My life was all fierce beauty and glittering glass. One wrong step and it would shatter. You had to hold your tongue and only lies would spew. You had to hide your heart, for your head was the only thing that protected you. My story will not be kind-hearted, it will be of betrayal and death. Something that most of us can relate to.
The memories that I can remember of my childhood always start with my auction day. The memory pressed and burned to every corner of my mind.
My mother's dark brown curls bounced around my pale face as I stridden confidently. I stare at the back of the girl that walks in front of me. Her black locks, folded into intricate braids. Her skin is a coffee-brown. I turned my head, glancing at the girl behind me. Her pricing blue eyes locked with mine. A small smile appeared on her face. I turned my head back in line. Her smile did not meet her eyes.
But how could it? We were being sold to the highest bidder today. It was the Havencrest Champion Auction Day. All of us, twenty-four girls, were to be sold to the High Lords and Ladies of the royal court. The King and Queen announced that their son had reached the age of nine and the time had come for all the Havencrest Champions to be auctioned.
So here I am.
Ready to be sold off like an animal.
The line of girls stops. My throat tightens, my stomach flips, and my eyesight swirls. I'm in the middle, closer to the front. As each girl is pulled from the front of the line, we all take one step forward. The only sound comes from our clipped steps and dark breaths. The line begins to shrink. Eight girls remain in front of me.
Six.
Four.
Two.
One.
Now I'm left in a dark hole, deciding if I should run or walk forward meeting my fate. Flight or fight? The room around me spins. It seems as those every door, every wall, every person closes in on me. The light coming from the windows seems to darken. The air becomes thick. The taste of metallic blood pierces through my mouth. The taste proves that I need to calm down. I could feel the warmth of the room heating my skin.
And then a lady with a blank smile came out from behind the black doors that led to my auction. She walked over with such grace that gave me the feeling that she stalked her prey before pouncing. She grabbed my arm, her crimson painted nails dug into my skin. The white of the sleeve of my dress darkened with the shadow of her looming over me. The doors closed in and swang shut with a loud thud. No one was going to save me now. Bright lights flicker over my head, blinding my eyesight.
The lady lets go of my arm and pushes me on stage. The lights are stronger here. White spots dot my vision. Loud sounds of claps surround me. This was a lot scarier than what they said it was going to be. Then the clapping stops and I can hear my heart beating so fast, a horse wouldn't be able to catch up.
"Ladies and gentlemen, our next Champion is here!" a voice says, deep and fluid. "The little beauty here is Kenna. Age: eight years old. Not much is stated here about this little one. But she must be somethin'. Her starting bid is five hundred crowns. Quite a steep price!" the voice yells, his voice high-pitched and full of laughter.
I can't see anything but I heard the chatter of all the people. I can see outlines of people. The voices begin to grow louder. I look out into the shallow crowd. Then I begin to see the outlines of circular cards that float through the air. That's when the yelling started.
"Five hundred and fifty crowns from Lady Orabelle," the voice yells.
More and more names are called and the crown rate grows.
"One thousand and fifty crowns from Lord Balor!"
And then the room goes silent. No one says anything no more chattering, no more moving of the cards. The voice even goes silent. And then a loud chime of a bell goes off, signaling that I have just been sold. There was no going back now.
The crowd claps, the voice laughs, and congratulates this Lord Balor on his new purchase.
I am pulled off stage by a new woman, this one's nails are painted in a deep ivy green. Her steps are brisk, forcing me to keep up with her.
That's when I met High Lord Balor.
Everything about him was dark. I could tell within seconds that this man would not keep me safe, he wouldn't care if I got hurt. He wore the smell of blood and death like it was a perfume. But his smile was what terrified me the most. It reached his eyes, but his teeth were razor sharp.
Mod
Prologue
Some would say a child's birth is something everyone should enjoy. A new life brought into the world. The child would be named..."
Wooow that gave me shivers! I do have a couple of suggestions, but I'm not going to give them now because they would be incomplete and rushed lol. I'll comment later though!!!!
Your story fascinates me. I love how it's Hunger Games but way cooler.
aaawww! thank you so much. and very understandable. i will get right to work on the informational!
my thinking is like a mix of a bunch of books i love. hunger games, maze runner, and divergent but with a whole bachelor vibe to it :)
Mod
I've only ever read the Hunger Games, but I loved it and we need more books like it so you're doing a great work here my friend. It's glorious!
Informational - re-do
HAVENCREST RUN-DOWN
The country of Inea hosts a festival and trial as a result of the royal family of Haven's difficulty in finding a spouse. Since the beginning of when House Haven was formed, only male children were born first. As a result of this, and the fact that none of their children were able to find their perfect match and keep the bloodline strong, they established Havencrest. Named after themselves, of course. Havencrest consists of two things, a festival for all of Inea to celebrate the Kingling and his soon-to-be Queen. Second is the trial. In the trial, 24 women are forced into an arena and forced to fight to the death. Whoever wins wins the crown and throne. But they are also guaranteed their life.
House Haven still rules Inea 300 years later. Their fist is strong and merciless. But this year will be special. They will send 24 girls from across Inea into the arena. But what happens in the arena will leave everyone confused.
In the year of the birth of each girl, they are tested for a blood marker. No name is given to this blood marker. The scientists are only permitted to look for this blood marker when the Royal family calls Havencrest. This year, the blood marker has developed into something new. If your child has the blood marker and is confiscated, it is against the law to cause a scene. This blood marker has properties that enhance the female child's strength and health, as well as the potential to bear healthy children.
Aside from the usual of what researchers found, they also discovered that the blood marker that they had always tried to find had actually evolved into a new and stronger one. It had created new properties alongside the old ones. As these properties mixed with the girls' blood, they developed different types of abilities depending on how well they blended.
After the children are taken from their parents, they are placed in a home where they grow up until they are eight years old. It is there that they meet the other 23 girls with them. There, they learn what it means to be an educated lady. Eating, standing, walking, talking. All of it. Fighting well becomes second nature to them. The eight years they spend there are spent drilling everything into their heads. There, the girls are taught to kill each other.
During those years, they are forced to learn things no eight-year-old should have to learn. By the time each of them reaches the age of eight, they are all transferred to an auction house. This is where the High Houses and some of the wealthier lower houses can obtain a Champion. In the end, all Champions are purchased. Once they have all been purchased, they are brought to their new owner's home. It is their new Lord or Lady's duty to protect you and train you no matter what. Their job is to make sure they are ready for the Havencrest trials. But the biggest problem is that they don't tell their Champions about Havencrest. They are just told they are special and must be kept safe.
It has now been 300 years since the first-ever Havencrest. The greatest minds in Inea could have never guessed what was going to happen this year during Havencrest. The Champions were either blessed or cursed with abilities like no other. In Inea if you are different you are looked down upon and considered an outcast. But with this year's Champions, the bets have already begun. Which magical ability is the strongest? Which one will win?
The hierarchy is much like a normal kingdom. It has a king and queen, and nobles and things like that.
the king: The "king" used to be the kindling and he has already had his Havencrest trials and found his bride. The king has the highest authority in the kingdom.
the queen: The "queen" is a Champion. She was the Campion that won Havencrest and became not only the king's wife but the queen of Inea.
the kingling: This is the son of the king and queen. He will have the title of kingling until his Havencrest trials are complete and he has his Champion queen. Can also be known as the crown prince in other countries.
the high houses: There are a total of ten High Houses including the royal family. Without counting the royal family there are nine High Houses. These houses act as the highest nobles, just right under the king himself. They are all extremely wealthy and marry into other High House families.
the lower houses: They do not have an official name like the High Houses do but these people have noble blood in them, but they are not pure-blood nobles. Some can be very wealthy, just a little below the High Houses. If you are a lower house you can never be in a High House unless married into.
the kingdom's people: The rest of the kingdom is merchants and workers. They can be wealthy but most are not. Most live in poverty and along the streets. Outside the palace and high house circle walls, the rest of the country is a dirty place. Most nobles never go through them because they are scared they could get a disease.
okay so i found a website that helps eliminate run-on sentences and stuff so how does it look now?
Mod
Mod
1. "In the trial, 24 women are forced into an arena and forced to fight to the death. Whoever wins wins the crown and throne." You repeat a lot of words here. I actually noticed this multiple times throughout. You reuse a lot of the same words in close succession and it feels forced. You could just go back through and pick some of those out. :)
2. "They also discovered that the blood marker that they had always tried to find had actually evolved into a new and stronger one. It had created new properties alongside the old ones." Okay so couple things here. I would maybe use a different word rather than "evolved." I think "mutated" or something similar would be better as "evolve" (at least in my mind) carries with it a very long slow connotation and this obviously happened over a few years or so. (Am I right?)
3. "During those years, they are forced to learn things no eight-year-old should have to learn." This is kind of a case of captain obvious. After you stated that they learn to kill each other, you then reminded the audience that no 8 year old should have to learn that. I actually love this line, so if you want to keep it in, go ahead. I would maybe just change the paragraph before it so it doesn't feel so much like a re-hash if that makes sense.
4. "It is their new Lord or Lady's duty to protect you and train you no matter what." Up until this point you've used third person pronouns. You switch to second person for this sentence and this sentence only. It's jarring and doesn't flow.
5. Okay, overall I thought it was really good, HUGE improvement from what it was! I'm just being nit-picky now. I think you could maybe cut down on some descriptions because there were a few times where I felt like you repeating yourself. Other than that, it was really good!!!!
im glad :)
@1 ahh yes, as i was reading it i seen that alot. that should be a pretty easy fix :)
@2 yeah, that would make sense. it would have had to mutate during the years in between the two havencrest trials. and that makes sense.
@3 so make it its own line?
@4 makes sense, easy fix :)
@5 aww thank you! and i want nit-picky! it will make my work better and thats what i wanted :)
okay i made those changes, or at least what i understood from them, so i'll update it again :)
Informational - re-do's re-do
HAVENCREST RUN-DOWN
The country of Inea hosts a festival and trial as a result of the royal family of Haven's difficulty in finding a spouse. Since the beginning of when House Haven was formed, only male children were born first. As a result of this, and the fact that none of their children were able to find their perfect match and keep the bloodline strong, they established Havencrest. Named after themselves, of course. Havencrest consists of two things, a festival for all of Inea to celebrate the Kingling and his soon-to-be Queen. Second is the trial. In the trial, 24 women are forced into an arena and obligated to fight to death. Whoever wins, wins the crown and throne. But they are also guaranteed their life.
House Haven still rules Inea 300 years later. Their fist is strong and merciless. But this year will be special. They will send 24 girls from across Inea into the arena. But what happens in the arena will leave everyone confused.
In the year of the birth of each girl, they are tested for a blood marker. No name is given to this blood marker. The scientists are only permitted to look for this blood marker when the Royal family calls Havencrest. This year, the blood marker has developed into something new. If your child has the blood marker and is confiscated, it is against the law to cause a scene. This blood marker has properties that enhance the female child's strength and health, as well as the potential to bear healthy children.
Aside from the usual of what researchers found, they also discovered that the blood marker that they had always tried to find had actually mutated into a new and stronger one. It had created new properties alongside the old ones. As these properties mixed with the girls' blood, they developed different types of abilities depending on how well they blended.
After the children are taken from their parents, they are placed in a home where they grow up until they are eight years old. It is there that they meet the other 23 girls with them. There, they learn what it means to be an educated lady. Eating, standing, walking, talking. All of it. Fighting well becomes second nature to them. The eight years they spend there are spent drilling everything into their heads. There, the girls are taught to kill each other.
By the time each of them reaches the age of eight, they are all transferred to an auction house. This is where the High Houses and some of the wealthier lower houses can obtain a Champion. In the end, all Champions are purchased. Once they have all been purchased, they are brought to their new owner's home. It is their new Lord or Lady's duty to protect their Champion and train them no matter what. Their job is to make sure they are ready for the Havencrest trials. But the biggest problem is that they don't tell their Champions about Havencrest. They are just told they are special and must be kept safe.
It has now been 300 years since the first-ever Havencrest. The greatest minds in Inea could have never guessed what was going to happen this year during Havencrest. The Champions were either blessed or cursed with abilities like no other. In Inea if you are different you are looked down upon and considered an outcast. But with this year's Champions, the bets have already begun. Which magical ability is the strongest? Which one will win?
The hierarchy is much like a normal kingdom. It has a king and queen, and nobles and things like that.
the king: The "king" used to be the kindling and he has already had his Havencrest trials and found his bride. The king has the highest authority in the kingdom.
the queen: The "queen" is a Champion. She was the Campion that won Havencrest and became not only the kings wife but the queen of Inea.
the kingling: This is the son of the king and queen. He will have the title of kingling until his Havencrest trials are complete and he has his Champion queen. Can also be known as the crown prince in other countries.
the high houses: There are a total of ten High Houses including the royal family. Without counting the royal family there are nine High Houses. These houses act as the highest nobles, just right under the king himself. They are all extremely wealthy and marry into other High House families.
the lower houses: They do not have an official name like the High Houses do but these people have noble blood in them, but they are not pure-blood nobles. Some can be very wealthy, just a little below the High Houses. If you are a lower house you can never be in a High House unless married into.
the kingdom's people: The rest of the kingdom is merchants and workers. They can be wealthy but most are not. Most live in poverty and along the streets. Outside the palace and high house circle walls, the rest of the country is a dirty place. Most nobles never go through them because they are scared they could get a disease.
Mod
im glad :)
@1 ahh yes, as i was reading it i seen that alot. that should be a pretty easy fix :)
@2 yeah, that would make sense. it would have had to mutate during the years in between the two..."
@1, 2, and 4 Cool!
@3 I guess? Idk it might be a better idea to just pull it out, or maybe you could make it part of the sentence about them learning to kill?
@5 This is how I feel!!!! All my alpha readers are too nice. I'm like "just tear the story to pieces already!" and they're like... "well, you could put a comma here..." XD
Lol I shall look forward to the update! :D
Okay, I'm going to get off now because I've been on GR the entire day and it's not good lol
Mod
all good!
hey! how are you? so i finish re-doing the re-do for the informational. how does that look? and after i make sure that everything is perfect with that then we can move on to the prologue!
Mod
Okay, and now I'm going into extreme nit-picky mode lol. I'm going to go ahead and do the prologue as well though so we don't just stagnate on the informational lol.
Okay, so everything that was problematic before is now fixed, but there were a couple of things I noticed on this run-through that I hadn't before.
1. The main thing is that it's all kind of scattered. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it feels a bit jumpy, almost like you're bouncing between three facets of the subject at once. It's not too bad until the last paragraph, where I kind of got a little dizzy.
"It has now been 300 years since the first-ever Havencrest. The greatest minds in Inea could have never guessed what was going to happen this year during Havencrest. The Champions were either blessed or cursed with abilities like no other. In Inea if you are different you are looked down upon and considered an outcast. But with this year's Champions, the bets have already begun. Which magical ability is the strongest? Which one will win?"
Okay, so there's repeated information, and then you're talking about how people are looked down upon if you're different, and then you're talking about betting. For some reason, it struck me as really jumpy this time, and I'm not sure why it didn't get me before lol. Maybe I was just looking closer this time, idk. Anyways, looking back over the rest of it, I kind of noticed it a little bit throughout. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you can dismiss this as me being sleep-deprived (which I am) and having no concentration (which I don't). XD
2. "Named after themselves, of course." Okay, this one has been bothering me from the beginning, but it gets worse each time I read it. I like the sarcasm, but it really ends up just breaking the flow of the paragraph and restating information that's already clear.
3. "They will send 24 girls from across Inea into the arena. But what happens in the arena will leave everyone confused." Just a suggestion to make this sentence a bit more tense, maybe change it to "As usual, they will send 24 girls from across Inea into the arena. But what happens there will leave everyone confused." If you don't like this, it's totally fine. I think the other sentence is fine too.
4. "If your child has the blood marker and is confiscated, it is against the law to cause a scene." This is kind of a pin-pointed sentence show-casing the bouncing again. It's important, so leave it in, I would just move it to a different part of the paragraph so the paragraph as a whole is more cohesive.
*takes a deep breath*
Okay, now I'm going to go review the prologue lol
Mod
So to start with, the plot.
I love the prologue. It's amazing. Couple things:
1. I cannot remember the day I was born. Just saying. If you can, you are awesome (not that you weren't already). My point thought is, I don't really know anyone who can remember being born, so unless she was taken when she was older than newly born, then I'm not sure how she remembers that in such detail. Then, you say that her childhood memories always start with auction day. The way this sentence sounds to me, that's the earliest she can remember, but you also prove that that's not true...
2. Okay, my question here is: why is she so scared? If all she's been told is that she's special, why is auction so terrifying for her? The other thing is, she's clearly almost panicking in the room before going to the auction, but then after she's in the auction, she says it's even scarier than they said it would be. if she was panicking that much before, how is she not... just kind of dead from fear during the auction?
3. Tension: this is something I struggle with too, so I relate lol. I noticed that a lot of the sentences during the auction were super complete and concise, leading it to feel like she's calm. This reduces the tension. Make it short and snappy. Keep the sentences tight, and don't be afraid to leave out details. It's a memory after all, and it's supposed to be insanely nerve-wracking, so make sure it's nerve-wracking! :)
Character development:
1. Kenna, I'm sorry to say, is... kind of a vegetable in this scene. And considering this is the audience's first view of her, that's kind of not good... XD How is she reacting to this? Is she tough about it? Cold? Scared? Tired? All I got is that she's betrayed and she thinks that's relatable. idk, maybe I'm not looking hard enough, but she feels a bit 1-dimensional here. Thoughts? Obviously, she's your character and I've known her for a grand total of like... 5 seconds... so you know her a whole lot better. This is your realm, so talk to me! :D
2. Compliments: THE GIRL WHO GAVE HER A SMILE WAS SO AMAZING I LOVED THAT MOMENT SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, tell me if you want more! :)
INFORMATIONAL STUFF
@1 so i don't think it's you but i guess it may be a bit jumpy. i'll have to really dive into to and see where those problems are. but thank you for noticing it. I'll see what i can do to fix it though.
@2 lol i totally get it and that does make sense. i think i had a bit of an attitude about life and family when i wrote that XD easy fix and i do see where you are coming from where it just stops the flow.
@3 that makes sense! i will change that. i like how it still kinda gives me chills and it helps with everything else flow.
@4 could you elaborate on this a little bit more? i think i understand, i just don't think i understand fully. in what paragraph do you think it should be placed?
PROLOGUE STUFF
@1 okay, so what i was trying to do was make it seem like she understood what was going on when she was born. Which obviously couldn't really be the case. but i do recall that i didn't make her actually see anything because when babies are born their eyes are not open. in my head i was writing it as like there are only snippets she can remember. nothing in whole. kinda like she made up some of what is written. like she is trying to piece the puzzle together. i guess this probably only made sense to me lol
@2 hmmm so when i wrote that part, where she was scared. i think i meant it as her being a child and not knowing entirely what was going on. does that make sense? kinda like not actually scary but sometimes you just have that small amount of fear inside of you for no reason? kinda like your flight or fight mode type thing? i think that's what i meant. and its funny that i don't even remember most of this lol the fear afterward was directed to who had bought her. and since lord balor - which i probably should describe better - was a scary, evil man to an eight-year-old. i think that might be it????
@3 ahhh okay. that makes sense. I'll see where i can fix this :)
@4 vegetable?? hmm how do you propse i fix that? i want to make her relatable in some senses but then i want her to seem fearless. but in this scene i want her to look like the child she is. i want her to need help. i want her mid to be a mess. i want her to be able to know that she needs help. that she needs an escape. if that makes sense i want this to be her low so in the following chapters you can tell she has grown. i want kenna to be the character that readers can be happy for, sad for and even angry at. i want readers to be so digested in the story that they can actually begin to picture what is happening.
HA! I'm listening to some inspirational speech music thing so that was a lot lol
@5 lol i hope there are more moments like that for you. :)
Mod
all! good! don't stress about it! this process is supposed to take a bit :) and I'm not on that long today anyway so i look forward to hearing your thoughts. also i invited you o a group that will be where i have all my notes and everything we have talked about so if you wanted maybe an easier way to get a hold of me you could take a look at the group :)
i hope you had an amazing Christmas though!
i think we honestly should move on from the informational and actually onto the book. so whenever you get the time could we move onto the prologue? please?
Mod
Of course! I have a speech tourney that's going to suck all my time away this week, but next week I will totally help you with the prologue! :)
super sorry denali but i have taken up another editor because you seem to be very busy - which is okay i get everyone has a busy schedule now and then - but i hope you understand.
Mod
AAAAAHHH sorry I didn't see this sooner!!! Of course that's fine! I was actually going to suggest you do that since... yeah. We saw how that went...
Let me know if you want help again when I'm less busy - it was awesome helping you out while it lasted and I'm really glad we met on GR! :)
I'm happy to be brutally honest about all your writing! :)
I see two ways we could do this: either you post your story a section/chapter at a time on this thread or just a link to a google doc. Whatever works for you!