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Blurb Help - Action/Adventure - Bravely and Faithfully
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Dwayne wrote: "Drop that first paragraph. It's a bunch of disjointed stuff that doesn't really connect to the rest of the blurb, other than the mention of sex trafficking later on. The rest is all right, but heav..."Thanks for the quick hit!
Agreed, fewer adjectives would add punch. If you keep the opening paragraph, maybe consider putting the hurricane toward the beginning of the sentence for more action: gripped in the jaws of a hurricane a young family fights for its life amid the wreckage...I got the rest of your blurb. Again, fewer adjectives would add punch. And the last line (if it were mine) I’d darken it up, it sounded to me a bit warm and fuzzy, like a cruise ship advertisement, it that could just be me.
I would agree fewer adjectives. But I also think the blurb is confusing. How can a captain be inexperienced? It might be more important to explain that. As it stands, I think para 3 is unnecessary as written and relieves tension that you might have got with the intro. Para 4 is too wordy and platitudinal. Of course the captain's skill is critical.I think you would do better to try to condense the whole thing. Try writing down the things that you feel to be most important for the reader to know, put them in order, and try leaving out the bottom of the list. See what you have then. This sort of thing usually needs many drafts, and the end ones don't look anything like the first, at leqst for me. Don't get depressed. Keep at it and eventually you will see it come right. The important thing, in my opinion, is not to try to include too much because in trying to link it all together it merely loses punch.
Hard-charging young Coast Guard officer Haley Reardon gets her dream job, command of the special mission patrol boat Kauai, based in the high-tempo operating area of South Florida and the Caribbean. You’re writing this as a report: concise, accurate, and dispassionate. You’re packing lots of information into a single line. But…Hard-charging? What in the pluperfect hells does thaat mean to an accountant in Cleveland? is her dream job to be in that theater of operation, or to command a patrol boat? Is it her dream to command that boat? Will the reader have a clue as to the difference between a patrol boat and a special-mission patrol boat? I doubt it. And why does that level of detail matter to a reader who just arrived?
My point? You’re giving them a meal when a bite is expected In one line you’re hitting them with: hard-charging, dream-job, special-mission, and high-tempo. And you follow that with, “but” which means, “Forget everything I just said, because we’re heading in a new direction.”
But she is replacing a legendary skipper beloved by the patrol boat’s highly-decorated and elite mixed crew. They have been there, done that - she has not.
So… “hard charging,” is replacing “beloved?” Again, a report, in general terms. But…the crew is “highly decorated?” For what, and why? And why does it matter to-the-reader? For someone in, or retired from, The Guard, it might have deep meaning. But the reader assumes that you aren’t given command of a crew unless you’re qualified. They also assume she’s qualified and experienced. So the line will mean a lot more more to you—who know the situation, the people, and the story—than the reader, who hasn’t “been there and done that.” It appears—from this—that the focus of the story will be to make the crew love her, not the mission.
Here’s a critical question: Were this the voice-over for the theatrical trailer for the story, would it work? Would they be showing shots that fit this blurb? Or would they be focused on the mission?
The blurb has one purpose: to make the reader turn to page one. That’s it. So explaining can’t work. You have to hit them emotionally, just as you must in the book. You cannot be a disembodied voice explaining and informing in the blurb any more than you can in the novel, because there’s information, but no emotional content for the reader. As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
Think back to the books you’ve read on fiction-writing technique. Make the reader feel, not know. Involve them, emotionally.
Ouch! But I'd rather have the pain now than later. Thanks for the trip to the woodshed!
Terry wrote: "Agreed, fewer adjectives would add punch. If you keep the opening paragraph, maybe consider putting the hurricane toward the beginning of the sentence for more action: gripped in the jaws of a hurr..."Thanks Terry!
Ian wrote: "I would agree fewer adjectives. But I also think the blurb is confusing. How can a captain be inexperienced? It might be more important to explain that. As it stands, I think para 3 is unnecessary ..."Thanks Ian!
OK. Let's try another:They call it calculated risk.
In the search and rescue world, it involves weighing the possible death of your crew if you launch against the certain death of people in distress if you don’t. In covert operations, you can add the possibility of triggering a war to the baseline risk.
Young Coast Guard Lieutenant Haley Reardon has gotten her dream assignment: command of the patrol boat Kauai in the red-hot operating area of South Florida and the Caribbean. But this is not an ordinary Coast Guard patrol boat. The Director of National Intelligence has invested heavily in upgrades and training to make Kauai the go-to platform for covert operations in the Caribbean. And within days of Haley taking command, the DNI has come to collect.
A forgotten laptop recovered from a sinking smuggling ship provides a treasure trove of information. Its data provide the means to break a vicious international crime syndicate and expose their involvement with Chinese infiltration into the Western Hemisphere. The key is to seize a syndicate boss and evidence during his visit to a small Caribbean island controlled by a Chinese government front company.
There is no time to gather a strong military force nor political will to challenge China directly. This leaves Haley to lead Kauai on a covert mission to insert and recover a team of DIA operators doing the snatch. But the Chinese have a superior military force on the island. Can Haley avoid leaving the DIA team to their fate when discovery would result in the destruction of Kauai and her crew and could lead to war?
In my opinion, too long, but at last I get the idea of what the book is about. How about something like:Young Coast Guard Lieutenant Haley Reardon has her dream assignment: command of the patrol boat Kauai operating in South Florida and the Caribbean. Then comes the sharp reality: the Director of National Intelligence has ordered here to insert and recover a covert infiltration to counter a Chinese operation on (name the Island).
Her orders are clear, but so is the information that the Chinese may have sufficient military capability to sink her boat should they learn of its presence. Also, this mission will have no support and the US Government will deny its existence. Can Haley negotiate the treacherous waters twice, and how will she know whether she its recovering her team or offering target practice for the Chinese?
That is a stab. You would have to refine it - I am merely offering clues as to how I think you should go about it. Try not to add any more details.
Ian wrote: "In my opinion, too long, but at last I get the idea of what the book is about. How about something like:Young Coast Guard Lieutenant Haley Reardon has her dream assignment: command of the patrol ..."
Awesome - thanks, man!
Okay, that is WAY too long and involved. You need to drill down to what your story is really about. If this is a blurb for the back of the book, it needs to be 350 words of less. 250 is better. If it is for Amazon or Kobo or others, you need to keep it at about 400 words. Any longer and the people won't read it. If you don't capture my attention with the title and the first paragraph I move on to the next book. The format is your protagonist with minimal description. (her title works well) What is the main conflict? Who is the antagonist? And what is the reason I should read the book. You also need to use words that are emotional that draws attention to the blurb.
Here's my version. It isn't great but the bare bones are there.
Coast Guard Lieutenant, Haley Reardon has just landed her dream job--command of the high-tech patrol boat, Kauai, in the Caribbean Sea and South Florida--a hotbed for smugglers. A recovered laptop from a scuttled smuggler's boat throws her and her crew into the underworld of smugglers, the Chinese syndicate, and their infiltration into the western hemisphere.
Her mission is to recover DIA operatives, but can she and the Kauai crew save them from the heavily fortified island without getting caught?
B.A. said it well. Here's my take with a bit more detail on why what you have isn't working as well as you'd like.In the search and rescue world, the captain must weigh the safety of the crew against that of those in distress. In covert operations, there’s the real possibility of triggering a war.
This is orientation and background, not story. The reader wants to know:
1. What’s the problem?
2. Who’s the hero, and why is that person the only one who can solve the problem?
3. What happens if s/he fails?
Forget lectures. Just as in the novel, forget anything that doesn’t relate to the protagonist and what they must face, and do. Give the reader raw meat, not a report.
Young Coast Guard Lieutenant Haley Reardon has gotten her dream assignment: command of the patrol boat Kauai in the red-hot operating area of South Florida and the Caribbean. But this is not an ordinary Coast Guard patrol boat.
The first line is relevant, though naming the boat is a waste of words because it’s irrelevant to the reader here. The second line, though, is relevant only if the reader knows the capability of a patrol boat of that class, in that unknown year. And in the end, the boat is what it is. It’s what they do with it that matters.
The Director of National Intelligence has invested heavily in upgrades and training to make Kauai the go-to platform for covert operations in the Caribbean.
And after doing that they place an inexperienced lieutenant at the helm of a boat involved in covert operations? Who will believe that?
And within days of Haley taking command, the DNI has come to collect.
Would the story change in the slightest were it weeks? Who cares? This is detail, not story.
In short: You’re writing a report, focused on providing information: fact-based and author-centric, which is the writing technique we were given in school. Great for reports and essays, but lousy for stories.
Why? Because our goal is to move the reader emotionally. Instead of telling the reader, “She cried at her father’s funeral,” our goal is to make the reader weep. And we cannot do that with book-report writing technique. That takes the emotion-based and character-centric techniques of the Fiction-Writing profession.
Suppose you open with a line like:
- - - - -
Before she can truly get to know either her crew, or, the patrol boat she is to command, young Coast Guard Lieutenant Haley Reardon finds herself, and her crew, involved in a clandestine mission to seize a Chinese syndicate boss from a small Caribbean island.
- - - - -
In 45 words we know who she is, her rank, that she’s new to the boat, and what the story is about. Implied in that is the problem of proving her worth to the crew. It hints at midnight skulking and danger to come.
In your first 45 words we learn that boat captains need to be careful and not start a war, and, that Lieutenant Reardon had been assigned to a boat.
See the difference?
Who cares that they’ve invested a lot of money in unstated improvements for unstated reasons? Who cares that this is a special boat? It has our hero in command, so for us the boat will be special because it’s our boat.
Forget the big picture. Forget detail. Focus on what matters to our protagonist—our avatar. Focus on narrating that theatrical trailer for the film version.
Remember, there’s no inherent emotion in the narrator’s voice. We can’t add a tag that says, “The narrator said, forcefully.” And the reader cannot see the images in your head that make the reading a graphic novel—for you. So, the emotion must be in the wording. As a sculptor makes a statue of a horse by chopping away anything that doesn’t look like a horse, we must chop away anything not relevant to the protagonist. And that applies to the blurb as much as it does within the writing of the story.
As a personal suggestion, dig up a copy of Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer and read a chapter of three. It’s out of copyright, so it can be found, free on archive sites. It will forever change the way you view the act of storytelling on the page.
Jay wrote: "B.A. said it well. Here's my take with a bit more detail on why what you have isn't working as well as you'd like.In the search and rescue world, the captain must weigh the safety of the crew aga..."
Thanks again, B.A.!
Mod
OK guys, I got it loud and clear. Here's the current version:Tagline: A New Captain’s First Patrol Turns into a Fight for Their Lives
Young Coast Guard Lieutenant Haley Reardon has not even gotten her feet on the ground on her new patrol boat command when she finds herself and her crew supporting a dangerous covert mission. They must insert and retrieve a DIA operations team trying to seize a transnational criminal syndicate boss from a small Caribbean island controlled by a front company of the Chinese government and protected by a superior military force.
A honeymoon period would be lovely, but, as always, the world gets a vote.
Can Haley avoid leaving the DIA team to their fate, when attempting to rescue them could destroy her crew and boat and lead to war?
I would delete the second-last para, and rewrite the third and last one. I get the point, but somehow it seems too bland.Maybe something like:
When Coast Guard Lieutenant Haley Reardon finds her first command is to insert and retrieve a DIA operations team who will attempt to seize a transnational criminal syndicate boss from a small Caribbean island she also knows he will be protected by a Chinese military force (doing what? Is finding out also part of the mission?)
Getting the team on land will be easy, but how can she retrieve them if the Chinese know they are there (and maybe "and the waters areas treacherous there e is only one concealed approach)?
My suggestion.
There are good elements here but too many of them. Try narrowing the focus. and not squeeze everything into it. (This is based on the first blurb.)The rewrite leaves me wondering why Haley is in charge of this operation. Is she being set up to fail, is she a dupe?
Coast Guard Lieutenant Haley Reardon has yet to earn her stripes. The crew knows it, the DNI knows it, so why is she in charge of a life-or-death mission against Chinese military force?
(That's sort of a blurbish beginning and also begs the question I have about the assignment.)
This is my first foray in the group. I have finished my manuscript for a new sea adventure novel and am descending into the hell of blurb development and cover design. I was hoping for a gut check on the first draft of a blub I came up with. Here's the context of the story: The fundamental challenge in the novel involves a young coast guard officer, Lieutenant Haley Reardon, assigned to succeed a very popular commanding officer of the Coast Guard Cutter Kauai, which is a special mission patrol boat with an elite crew. Her leadership style is different from the previous CO, leading to conflict with her Executive Officer, Lieutenant Junior Grade Ben Wyporek, and the senior enlisted personnel. Ben is also overcoming the challenge of a courtship of a special needs woman, Victoria Carpenter (genius with mild Asperger's), and the transfer of his best friend (the former CO). These struggles take place against a background of tension and danger as the boat is assigned a dangerous sortie supporting a DIA spy mission with geopolitical implications.
Here's the first draft blurb:
A young family fights for their lives on a wrecked sailboat drawn into the maw of a powerful hurricane. A group of radical activists sets out to sabotage the launch of a multibillion-dollar space probe from Cape Canaveral. A vicious transnational criminal gang is moving two dozen kidnapped women from Eastern Europe by ship to the Caribbean into the horror of sexual slavery.
Who do you call for help?
Hard-charging young Coast Guard officer Haley Reardon gets her dream job, command of the special mission patrol boat Kauai, based in the high-tempo operating area of South Florida and the Caribbean. But she is replacing a legendary skipper beloved by the patrol boat’s highly-decorated and elite mixed crew. They have been there, done that - she has not.
Haley’s skill as a captain and her ability to win the confidence of her new crew are vital to the success of a mission of global importance. They must seize evidence connecting a Chinese government front company to the human trafficking gang to break their stranglehold on a small Caribbean island. Failure would cost the lives of the sixteen men and women aboard Kauai and countless innocent people the misery of exploitation and death.
Join the crew of the Coast Guard Cutter Kauai and set sail on the sea adventure of a lifetime!
Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance for your consideration!
EMH