Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hi, I'm looking for feedback on my blurb:

In a cold universe close to death, humanity’s descendants orbit a black star. Eons ago, they retreated to the collective conscious, an artificial world that provided immortality. Millennia passed without change while people slept a dreamless state, until a distant explosion forced the ship to wake its inhabitants. Only one responded, Jerel. With the ship’s fate resting on her actions, she must choose. Leave the safety of their star, their sole companion in an empty universe, or strike out into the void, to investigate the anomaly. Soon, she suspects a malignant force lurks in wait, attempting to reverse her decision. Is it the ship itself, the collective conscious, or something worse?

I like the blurb. Sounds like an enticing story. If it was my blurb, I’d run it by the editor when you get to that stage, just to make sure all the past/present tenses gelled. Either way, good luck with the story.

Thanks Terry

Doesn’t make sense, I’m afraid, perhaps because it’s too short?

First, you say they orbit a black star. My initial impression was that they were on a planet. But then you say it’s a ship. But if they are on a ship, who cares if it’s orbiting a dead star or in space between dead stars? But…have you any idea of how large a ship that held only the current population of this world would be, and the energy requirements needed to run it would be? It might be that there are only a few hundred, but you give no clue. So the reader is lost in space. And that’s one hell of an energy source to keep on chugging for that long.

In any case, that’s 100 trillion years from now. But long before that Sol will die, so you left out a LOT of history. You might want to think about a time-frame a bit shorter, and place them around our dead star.

* Eons ago, they retreated to the collective conscious, an artificial world that provided immortality.

So they have no bodies? Yet you imply, later that their bodies are asleep, dreamlessly. The reader needs context as the line is read, not after.

• people slept a dreamless state

You can’t have both immortality via a collective conscious, and, a dreamless state. Again, the reader lacks context

• a distant explosion forced the ship to wake its inhabitants.

What’s a distant explosion? Of what? And where? And why does it matter? The universe is almost dead and the star is cold, remember?

And of critical importance, you say it had to “ wake its inhabitants.” But than say that only one woke. Seems a small cast for a novel.

So the entire race is in the ship—more than a billion people. There’s a danger that’s reported, but out of all the population only one person cared enough to check on a possible threat to survival? But, you never define the threat, or give a reason they might want to leave a dead star.

• Leave the safety of their star, their sole companion in an empty universe, or strike out into the void, to investigate the anomaly

The anomaly? You've mentioned none. Was the "explosion" an anomaly? If so, a hint of why might be nice,

Safety? What safety does a dead star provide? And, both options involve heading out into the void. So this makes no sense.

Unfortunately, the logic designer side of me insisted I mention what seems an insurmountable problem:

If you somehow freeze and hermetically seal the people, so their bodies and brains won’t deteriorate, that collective consciousness is unconnected to the body—a duplicate—and the individual won’t somehow go back into the body, while disappearing from the collective. So waking the person involved, based on them volunteering makes no sense. And even were you to postulate that, their computer simulation would remain. So, who wouldn’t volunteer?

But… Who would design a ship—especially one that carried all of humanity—that didn’t have a trained crew who could be brought awake in emergencies? And when they were brought awake, who cares that somewhere in the ship there’s a computer that’s simulating that person?

Sorry, but you asked for reaction, and that’s what hit me as I read it.

Thanks Jay. You raise interesting and thought-provoking questions.

I like the blurb. It has the protagonist and her challenge, and I want to know why she woke up and none of the others did. If the cover caught my eye, I would read the look inside. Jay raises good points and those might be some of the thing I would look for in the story itself.

Thanks M.L.

An additional thought on your blurb. I believe that you would have picked up many of the things I mentioned had you been using the Scene and Sequel, and the Motivation/Response Unit approach to creating a scene. If you’re not familiar with them, you might check Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Author. I’m sort a fanatic about it, because his advice was what got me my first sale, after six widely queried but never nibbled-at novels.

It’s come out of copyright protection, and you can read or download it free. Just search for the title, plus “archive” to locate a copy. Try a few chapters. I think you’ll find yourself often saying, “But that’s so obvious. Why didn’t I see that myself?”

How is a book written in 2012 out of copyright protection?

Robert wrote: "How us a book written in 2012 out of copyright protection?"

It was published in 1965. Swain died in 1992. You might be looking at a Kindle copyright or something.

Let's stay on topic, helping I.M. with their blurb instead of discussing this Dwight Swain book.

Wow! $22.95 for a kindle book! I don't think I've ever paid so much for one! Ouch!

Gail wrote: "Wow! $22.95 for a kindle book! I don't think I've ever paid so much for one! Ouch!"

Again, I.M. is asking for help with their blurb. This is the second time today I have asked you guys to stay on topic. If you want to discuss the price of other books, take it elsewhere. We're here to support each other. Hijacking the thread to talk about the price of another book is rude.