The Bookish Bunch discussion

Hey guyss, here is a synopsis of my novel 'Malvolent', let me know what you think! its already in work but i would like to know your thoughts on it :)

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‘Maura’, a Daughter, a Sister, a Queen and a beloved Wife to ‘King Acacius of Vairas’, who swoons over just the sight of her, unbeknownst to him, she has him under a spell, so that he’s ONLY faithful to her. Cold hearted with no empathy for others but herself, she disregards everyone’s feelings and keeps stable relationships only with those, who obey her, and dance on her command. She’ll go far to any lengths, in order to get what she wants, even if it means to succumb to dark forces. In an exchange of power, she has to trade her soul, to get what she wants, risking her sanity along the way, which has been growing dull every single day. A Kingdom, held in her clutch, with the lust to rule it, comes crumbling down, as it is the fate of every evil doer, to watch what they built, fall into dust.
This is a story of a villain, who perceives herself as a hero, but in the eyes of others, she is merely nothing, but a doomed soul.

Addison wrote: "Bb_lUvz.Reading wrote: "Hey guyss, here is a synopsis of my novel 'Malvolent', let me know what you think! its already in work but i would like to know your thoughts on it :)

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‘Maura’, a Da..."


Thank youuu, it's nice to know that you think of it that way! happy writing to you as well :)

This is amazing!! It sounds so interesting and I love the concept!!

Thank youuu <33

REPLYING TO: @Bb_lUvz.Reading

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This truly left me wanting more and I’m so excited to read more, I love the concept and your idea for your novel! I see what you’re doing with the little rhyming towards the end, I see you!! (risking her sanity along the way, which has been growing dull every single day BARS)

I did catch a few things while reading! There were a few run-on sentences in the beginning that could be cut with periods. Maybe end the first sentence after “swoons at just the sight of her. Unbeknownst…”

I don’t know if you want to see the little changes I made??

‘Maura’, a Daughter, a Sister, a Queen, and a beloved Wife to ‘King Acacius of Vairas’, who swoons at just the sight of her. Unbeknownst to him, she has him under a spell, so that he’s ONLY faithful to her. Cold hearted, with no empathy for others, she disregards everyone’s feelings and keeps stable relationships with those who obey her as well as dance on her command. She’ll go to any lengths in order to get what she wants, even if it means to succumb to dark forces. In an exchange of power, she has to trade her soul to get what she wants. Which will lead to her risking her sanity along the way, that has been growing dull every single day. A Kingdom, held in her clutch with the lust to rule it all comes crumbling down. As it is the fate of every evil doer to watch what they have built, fall into dust.

:)

Thank you very much Ash!, lol I have the tendency to make things rhyme, thanks for noticing; and as per your advice I'll work on the punctuation more :))

Addison I really liked it! Just that little excerpt from your story makes me interested and makes me want to read more. Just make sure you don’t mix up past tense and present tense, because on some cases it did confuse me a little. But it was great! <3

REPLYING TO ADDISON:

I’m so happy I got to read more! Here are some things I noticed/added/took away!

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"I didn't do it!" I was screaming at this point, but my voice came out as a croak and everything sounded like a whisper. "I was trying to help them,please ," continuing to plead, but no one would listen.

Bailey's hands are around me, pulling me out front. No. I close my eyes , but I can still see the bright flashes of blue and red, the sirens are so loud.


"Noemie, stop!" his voice seething. There is no way he actually thinks I did it ... does he? My thoughts were short lived as he pushed me over to Officer Bour, his hands bringing my arms behind my back. I decided to open my eyes, the tears falling free.
"Please Bailey," I pleaded to him, if anyone would listen to me, it would be him, at least I thought so.

"Noemie Sterling," I flinch at the sound of my last name leaving his lips. It hasn't been said aloud in nine years, "you are under arrest for tampering with evidence of a crime scene,"he paused, "and murder." I lift my head to see Bailey with his jaw clenched as he looked back at me with nothing but cold disappointment and that's when my heart broke. I thought that he loved me, trusted me. How could he believe I would do something like this, to one of the people who I care for the most.

"It's me, Noemie. I wouldn't do this. Please Bailey, you know me." my knees fell weak, all my weight at this point is leaning on Officer Bour. Please, I'm not sure if I say it outloud or in my head.

"I'm not so sure anymore," that is when I know that l've lost him .Bailey turns on his heel and walks away from me without a second glance. I hope they find the real killer, because all I know is that I'm the one who found my best friend lying on the floor, dead. Then everything went blank.

Heyy :) would it be alright if i dropped a short scene from my book? I really need some feedback and critiques

Of course, go for it!!! That’s what this chat is for!! (:

Thank you :)

It had been two full days since Thana and Lucian had gone to the dress shop. Now they were laying around in their room at the Nixfell inn. Lucian was slouched in a reclining leather chair, reading a book titled ‘Legends of the Cruxun Wood’. Thana had teased him for it, of course.
Thana lay on the bed sideways, her feet dangling off the edge. She was just staring at the canopy over the bed, deep in thought. Her mind was racing at everything that had happened this past week and a half. Everything that had been piled on her. Just barely over a week ago she was walking around like the dead, only speaking when she was trying to get some fruit for cheaper than what they had listed. Never smiling. Never laughing. No friends. Not even any enemies.
Now she was a half-breed Duskan princess who needs to save the world. All of it sounded too cliche. Too fictional. Like something she would have heard in ‘The Big Book of Faerie Tales’ her mother used to read to her when she was little. She lost count of how many times she had both prayed this was all a dream, and prayed that it wasn’t. She still didn’t know how she was going to pull this off. And that vision. She didn’t know if she wanted to laugh or cry.
“Lucian?” She whispered, doing her best to steady her voice.
“Hm?” He grunted. She couldn’t see him, since she was laying on her back, but she could tell he hadn’t looked up from his book.
“I’m scared.” Her voice shook this time.
Now he looked up. She could feel his eyes on her. His pity. She shouldn’t have said anything. She was supposed to be strong and fearless. Now he would see right through her. If he hadn’t already.
“Me too.” He replied. His response surprised her. It unlocked something in her. A box of grief and bad memories and horrible experiences. Salty tears welled in her eyes and streamed down her cheeks and into her ears.
She wiped them away and sat up, and saw him still watching her. His eyes glistened too. He stood slowly from chair and took two steps toward her. His face was inexplicably sad and she wasn’t exactly sure why. He sat down on the bed beside her and placed one of her hands in his, then the other.
“We’ll be okay.” He whispered. She wanted to believe that. So badly. She repeated those words in her mind over and over, trying to make herself believe it.
“Promise?” She croaked.
“Promise.” He breathed.
He was watching her eyes again. As if he were studying them. Slowly, his eyes lowered to her mouth. The room was silent, save for their slow, quiet breaths.
Then, loud rapping on the door startled them both into standing, and Thana looked towards the door awkwardly.

Sorry its a bit long i tried to find a short one

REPLYING TO HAYLIE:

♡ I’m excited to read more, I enjoy where the story was going!! You just had to leave it off to them NOT being able to kiss!!!

I did notice a few things!! (:

♡ I’m not sure if it’s just me, but I feel like there are too many periods, maybe add some commas for a short “breath.”

♡ started to “edit” towards the end

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"I'm scared," her voice shook this time.
Now he looked up. She could feel his eyes on her. His pity. She shouldn't have said anything. She was supposed to be strong and fearless. Now he would see right through her, if he hadn't already.
"Me too," he replied. His response surprised her. It unlocked something in her.
A box of grief and bad memories and horrible experiences. Salty tears welled in her eyes and streamed down her cheeks and into her ears.
She wiped them away and sat up, and saw him still watching her. His eyes glistened too. He stood slowly from the chair and took two steps toward her. His face was inexplicably sad and she wasn't exactly sure why. He sat down on the bed beside her and placed one of her hands in his, then the other.
"We'll be okay," he whispered. She wanted to believe that, so badly. She repeated those words in her mind over and over, trying to make herself believe it.
"Promise?" She croaked.
"Promise." He breathed.
He was watching her eyes again, as if he were studying them. Slowly, his eyes lowered to her mouth. The room was silent, their slow, quiet breaths ran through the room, with a mixture of her heartbeat in her ears.
Then, loud rapping on the door startled them both into standing, and Thana went towards the door awkwardly.

i just saw this
tysm for the critiques!! I will take them and work on it <333 this really helped

I’m excited to read more!!!

Hi! This is a small excerpt from my story, please tell me some feedback and critiques! Thanks! (Also sorry the formatting is like that)

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There was a new prisoner in the dungeons.
He knew because he had heard the slams and shouts of Danner and Relo late that night, the shouts of the other guards asking them questions about who they brought in.
That the thief?
A woman? No wonder she was caught so fast.
Fresh meat for breaking.
The prisoners hadn’t said anything as she was brought in. No, he knew what had happened to them to make them so broken. Horrible things happened in those dungeons. Sometimes he could hear their brutal screams through the walls in his bedroom.
He had learned to block them out.
But this prisoner was new. She didn’t scream or plead for herself as she was dragged inside the disgusting cell, only pleaded for someone else. Who, he didn’t know.
Don’t hurt her.
I’ll do anything if you free her.
Her voice had been grave and rasping, most likely from the heavy beating she had received by the guards. He knew she had frustrated them somehow, because the harsh sounds of fists on flesh soon sounded through the silent hallways again. But she had just laughed.
It had been a broken noise, harsh and cruel. He didn’t wonder what had happened to make it that way.
Because he understood. He lived with the monster that all of them feared, after all.
Not that any of them knew he existed. He didn’t know what the sound and smell of Adiya was like, what the movement of more than fifteen people in one place looked like. He didn’t even know what it was like to talk to commoners, since he could only talk to those allowed into the palace and sworn to secrecy.
But that was all about to change.
Because he needed a way out. An escape from his father.
And that new prisoner was the key.

Hi everyone! I'd love to receive some feedback on the first part of my new manuscript. The idea is very very rough, but essentially the concept is a romance set within a secret operation unit of the CIA with rivaling agents and rogue organizations (think Mission Impossible and James Bond but written by a woman and better romances). Would anyone be interested in hearing/reading more?

I would love to!