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I have two versions of the blurb, one slightly longer than the first. Any feedback is appreciated.

Lizzie Lazowski wants to be a detective, or a veterinarian, or maybe an actress. But first, she has to finish eighth grade. Lizzie spends every afternoon at her mom’s work, the Sunview Assisted Living Facility, and her friends are 85 years old. She loves them all, but wouldn’t mind a best friend that’s, you know, closer to her age.
She dreams of going to Northcrest High School for the Arts. When the school announces a program in which one student will win a scholarship, Lizzie is determined to secure the spot. All she has to do is submit a creative project telling a true story about one person. Chloe, the new girl at school, just might be the perfect person to help her complete her project (and maybe even fill the best-friend role). Win-win.
But disaster strikes. Her project flops. Her budding friendship goes wrong. And the deadline for the scholarship is just around the corner.
Told in letters, this companion novel to The Boy Who Painted the World brings you a story about friendship, forgiveness, and self-discovery.


This is the longer version. I don't know if it's more intriguing to add the bit about the pen pal writer, or if it adds too much info.

Lizzie Lazowski wants to be a detective, or a veterinarian, or maybe an actress. But first, she has to complete her eighth-grade pen pal assignment. Lizzie puts her first pen pal letter into a bottle and throws it into the ocean, aiming for France. When an anonymous letter-writer responds, Lizzie writes back, describing how she spends every afternoon at her mom’s work: the Sunview Assisted Living Facility. How her friends are 85 years old. How she loves them all, but wouldn’t mind a best friend that’s, you know, closer to her age.
She dreams of going to Northcrest High School for the Arts. When the school announces a program in which one student will win a scholarship, Lizzie is determined to secure the spot. All she has to do is submit a creative project telling a true story about one person. Chloe, the new girl at school, just might be the perfect person to help her complete her project (and maybe even fill the best-friend role). Win-win.
But disaster strikes. Her project flops. Her budding friendship goes wrong. Her detective skills fail, and she has no idea who her pen pal is. And the deadline for the scholarship is just around the corner.
From the author of The Boy Who Painted the World comes a novel written in letters about friendship, forgiveness, and self-discovery.

The longer version seems a different story, and, more interesting, with the message in a bottle element added...except, it raises the question: She doesn’t question the fact of, or follow up on her getting an immediate answer to her bottle-messages? She never misses one because others find the bottle, or it’s raining and she can’t go to get it? The tides don’t sweep the message away?

Also, if she spends every afternoon at the assisted living facility, when does she get to the beach?

That aside, both need tightening, and perhaps a bit of rearrangement. So, for what another’s view might be worth:
- - - - -
Lizzie Lazowski spends her afternoons helping seniors at an Assisted Living Facility. She loves them all, but wouldn’t mind a best friend who’s closer to her own age. She wants to become a detective, a veterinarian, or maybe, an actress. But first, she must finish eighth grade.

Lizzie is determined to secure a spot at Northcrest High School for the Arts. And to do that, she must submit a creative project—a true story about one person. And Chloe, the new girl at school, just might be the one to help complete that project, and maybe, fill that best-friend role.

But.... Her project flops. Her budding friendship goes wrong. And the deadline for the story is just around the corner. So now what? The answer to that may depend on something unique: the reply to a letter cast into the sea, one sent to her message-in-a-bottle pen-pal.
- - - - -
The whys of it:

1. I began with the seniors to set the scene, then the “problem, her lack of friends. I left out the name, because, who cares?
2. I followed that with her aspirations and age/grade.
3. I pulled the Mom reference, so far as working there because it’s irrelevant. One assumes she has reasons to be there, helping, and leaving out mom bypasses the question of her being forced to or it be voluntary (or a combo)
4. I simplified the contest to what actually matters: She wants to go and has the chance. The single opening is inherent to winning the writing project.
5. I dropped “you know” because it serves no story purpose. The reader can’t know the tone to place into the words, as they read, so it doesn’t work as it would, live.
6. I added the message in a bottle at the end, as a teaser/hook.

Hope this helps.

Jay wrote: "The longer version seems a different story, and, more interesting, with the message in a bottle element added...except, it raises the question: She doesn’t question the fact of, or follow up on her..."
Hi Jay, thank you for the thought-out response. The tightening-up was very helpful

I agree with Jay. I too found the longer version more interesting. It was more intriguing; the short version made me want to shrug.

I also felt that the texts needed a little tightening up. I'm not sure that I favor Jay's version, however. I liked the element of mystery in the first paragraph. It serves as a hook. Readers might not make it to the end without a hook.

I'll give it a shot and post my version here in a few minutes. I was looking for some distraction anyway. (Thanks!)

Lizzie Lazowski wants to be a detective later, or a veterinarian, or maybe an actress. But first, she has to complete her eighth-grade pen pal assignment. Lizzie puts a pen pal letter into a bottle and throws it into the ocean.

When an anonymous letter arrives in response, Lizzie writes back. She describes how she spends every afternoon at her mom’s place of work. Her friends at the Sunview Assisted Living Facility are 85 years old and she loves them all. Still, she wouldn’t mind a best friend that’s, you know, closer to her age.

Lizzie dreams of going to the Northcrest High School for the Arts. When the school announces a scholarship competition, Lizzie is determined to win that spot. All she has to do is create a project that tells a true story about one person. Chloe, the new girl at school, looks like the perfect person to write that story about. Maybe they could also become best friends.

Then disaster strikes. Will Lizzie’s project flop? The budding friendship has already gone down the drain. Her detective skills fail her, too, as she still has no idea who her pen pal is. Now the deadline for the scholarship looms around the corner.

From the author of The Boy Who Painted the World comes this new novel about friendship, forgiveness and self-discovery.

Angelina wrote: "Lizzie Lazowski wants to be a detective later, or a veterinarian, or maybe an actress. But first, she has to complete her eighth-grade pen pal assignment. Lizzie puts a pen pal letter into a bottle..."
Thank you for the feedback, Angelina!