Journaling discussion

*sits at my desk and writes*

uge,why is life so quacking stupid.

Sighs,life is so hard...it makes it harder to go on.

why am i burring myself into my studies again..its getting bad again,fuck..

ugeeeeeeee,i don't want my holidays to endddddd

Dear journal.
I sound stupid,i feel stupid.my mind is stupid.
I hurt all over. I feel like i'm not doing anything right anymore.
Life always hard i know that but still i shouldn't feel what i feel.
I can't stop lying...i always say i'm fine..but always atleast one person knows..the truth..its hard to speak.
I miss myself.
I made a new friend named Rae,they are super sweet.we talked a lot yesterday about my dreams and stuff. they understand me,i feel like,bc we come from backgrounds that are close.
I feel like i'm shutting down though..i'm shutting everyone out again..its getting bad,i am screaming in an ocean thats drowning me and i can't be saved i feel like this time.
I have people who say i'm their lifeline but i'm scared,i will hurt them the most.
I don't get it life...i just don't get it..

I'm drowning...i'm not able to swim..i've been swimming for years..and now i'm sinking below the waves...my breathes are fleeting...i am writing poems about it..thats how bad its gotten..when it gets bad.i shut down and just write poems.

Production night for the first of two evenings went really well!!

I got a small duck I named them Eliot/Jest since if you know my family i can't go by my prefered names so i named the duck after my names i prefer!! BUT IT WENT WELL.I hope tomr goes just as well!!
I'mma miss my friends tho,but thankfully I got their instagrams so i'm able to text them anytime i want!! Thanks Lana and Rae for everything and using my prefered stuff,i'mma miss you both so much after tomr. Thanks for being like older siblings to me! Love you bunches!-From your nonbinary bean Jest/Eliot

I miss my friends i made there...so much..i am hurting..so much..i feel like i'm dying..i don't know how to explain it..

You ever have a friend or partner or your best friend that was your partner disappear for a year and the suddenly they are back?

I.i. just had that happen..i don't know what to do..bc my heart was stolen by them..fuck..i can't..risk falling again but i fear i am..

I need to work on my anger again...i hurt some ppl...bc of it last night...i didn't fucking mean it...gods..i'm a bad person i think...fuck..i don't know..why i exist..i didn't mean to snap at them..

I broke up with someone if yk...yk.. a few days ago.... but im with someone right now who understands me and i dont want to hurt her,she deserves the world...i feel unworthy to be able to call her my love...but gods we ft anytime we can and today we fted for idk over 3hours talking,laughing and watching videos...we made ramen and ate it on ft so i think that was our first official date i guess but eeee...i love her so dearly i don't want anything bad to happen to her...

The first fluttery stages of love?

(Also hope I'm allowed to comment in here)

Ig lily loo and ya...

I mean, I've heard people say they worry about their partners a lot at first

Lily-loo,i know...but tye thing is i want us to last...i feel like truly happy...but i don't want to ruin shit.

You won't dude 😊 If you're truly happy, you aren't going to ruin it.

I'm in love??
By Riley to THEM…
July 29,2025
Oh,how suddenly how the wind shifts and blows you my way.
Am I in love again?
I don't know, you know love is full of pain and tears and mend.
Oh,so I am now? HUH? How does it work again?
You break but they mend..
I'm in love,I think.
Ok,so am I? Is that an issue now?
Frick,love….I'm scared to show you my love.
I'm just melting in your embrace.
I'm in love?? Or is it something else but I hope it's love.


I kinda wrote this after our first ft call...

haha,how that poem has changed...a lot...

welp...life is life..pain is pain..
friendships suck at times...same with love..
i'm overthinking..everything again..haha..thats nice...yk..
anyways...i'm writing poems and going to theapy twice a week...bc i want to fix myself..

i'm so done..with smth..right now but we aren't going to try and let the darkness form in our mind..bc promises...tho we are shitty at keeping them..we are going to try..again..

I really don't get people you know...i speak to much..maybe..i hurt..more than what meets the eyes..i'm so drained..i just want to lay down and die but i can't...bc i promised someone..i wouldn't.