sapphic central!! for the gays who love girls discussion

So my best friend (who I'm kinda in love with NGL) is talking to this guy M20 she's 18. On the 20th of May she turned 18, on the 21st she graduated high school and on the 22nd this guy asked for her number. He was our teacher.. I don't think anyone is seeing how wrong this is except for me. I didn't think about it before but now that I am I feel like he's low-key a predator and even tho I didn't think it was possible to dislike him any more than I did I think I do now. It feels like he had a crush on her when she was a minor and his student and was just waiting on it to be legal to do this. I think she might ACTUALLY like him which is insane to me bc this whole thing is SO frickin wrong. Not even her mom sees a problem with this SHES HAPPY. WTF?!? WHAT DO I DO??

That might be a tragic tale in the making. But I can relate to how you feel. First question is does she know you're into the ladies? And the second question is has she ever hinted at all that she likes the ladies?

So. What would I do if I was in this position? Firstly I would talk to her about this man. I'd like to know what she thinks and how she feels about him. What are her plans and expectations with him if any. If she knows I like women, I would inadvertently hint that I do kind of like her

From there, I'll try and gauge her reactions and expressions, her body language and things she says and how they are said.

If she doesn't know I like women, then I would just observe how she talks and feels about him and bide my time and see how it goes with them. And maybe some opportunity might present itself.

You'll have to decide what to do from there. Accept it or reject it. Support her or disagree with her. If you're feeling brave you might just tell her how you feel about her and see how she reacts or if you can't you might just have to grin and bear it. Just don't bad mouth that guy because that usually never ends well unless of course she starts it first.

There's no easy way to do this. It all depends on how much risk you're willing to take. It could strain your friendship with her and possibly even end it or perhaps she will be more understanding but might not still reciprocate. Only you can know that about her.

Things may not go the way you hope but if you don't do anything, you'll never know and whether that's a good or bad thing, I cannot say. It all depends on how much you're willing to lose. I wish all the best.

I’m confused by the ages here. If he knew her when she was under 18, that would mean he was a teacher at 19 or younger, no? It would be really rare to have a college degree at that age, let alone be hired to teach other teenagers.

Regardless of the ages, though, the power imbalance of a student-teacher relationship is concerning, so I agree that having a gentle conversation with her is a good idea. Other people (and perhaps your friend) may not be having an issue with it because the age gap is on the small side - if he were a college student she’d met visiting universities who waited until she graduated HS to ask her out, a lot of people wouldn’t find that weird. But if he was in a position to assign grades or disciplinary actions previously, that’s where it gets weird!

Maybe the “gentle conversation” could include something like this, to lay it out for your friend:
If one were somehow a super young teacher, I can imagine dating would be difficult because the people your own age would still be in college and your coworkers and people on dating apps would be inappropriately older than YOU. But using your STUDENTS as a pool of potential dates is icky! Not only would most of them be minors (meaning no one over 18 should be thinking of them as a dating pool), but you, as a teacher, would have power over them in terms of assigning grades, setting out punishments, etc. Also, you would be in a position to learn things about them - through files, or parent-teacher conferences, say - that the young person might not have shared willingly. Therefore, to ask a former student out the instant it is legal to do so seems suspicious - like he was observing them and waiting for the chance to pounce - in a way that another 20 YO asking and 18 YO (both “college age”) out, would not. So, friend, I’m worried about you!

Hopefully something like that would get the point across without making her defensive. And I agree that bringing up your crush at the same time would be a bad idea! It would just bring up charges of jealousy when that’s not the point.

I forgot to add the part where he also dated a 16 year old when he was 18. I know this girl as well and talked to her about their relationship in the past and she said that it was terrible and toxic. I tried communicating this to my friend but she only sees him as a good guy. He's been a total ass to me in the past too and she looks past that too. I'm gonna try to bring the topic up to her with my concerns and what not but if she doesn't listen to me that's when I think I have to draw the line. I can't continue to call someone my best friend who allows an icky son of a bitch to treat her friend like that. Every time I see this sucker I just want to beat the ever living crap out of him because I'm so angry about the whole situation. Maybe I shouldn't even say anything. Maybe I should just cut her off and let her deal with the repurcusions of not listening to me when I tried the first time and not seeing what's so clearly in front of her. Why do people pick people who are so bad for them? (it's giving Charlie from Perks of Being A Wallflower) I would do anything for her, no questions asked. But she chooses that? As just her friend even I'm so much better to her than he ever could be.

So, story time:
If you’d asked me when I was your and your friend’s age, I’d have thought I was FAR too smart and independent and feminist to ever get tangled up with an abusive man! But at one point in my mid-20s I got into this relationship where he seemed cool at first…but as time went on the whiplash between being sweet and complimentary versus accusatory got worse. Because he never got physically violent, it took me FAR too long to realize I was being emotionally manipulated…or even to realize that my vomiting fits were due to anxiety. I broke it off for good after 9 months, and t took at least as long to feel like myself again. Since then, I no longer ask “why can’t she see it?” or “why didn’t she leave?” Because it got me too, for a while!

One of the key tactics of abusers is separating their victims from potential support systems. Especially if parents or others are viewing this relationship with rosy glasses, your critical eye might be particularly important for this girl to have around. While you are of course entitled to choose who you are friends with, if she has been a good friend to you otherwise and you still enjoy her company (when he isn’t there) maintaining the connection could provide an important lifeline for her if she comes to the realization that this situation IS abusive/toxic.

Thank you for all of your advice and what not :)