Works of Thomas Hardy discussion

A Confession to a Friend in Trouble

Your troubles shrink not, though I feel them less
Here, far away, than when I tarried near;
I even smile old smiles – with listlessness –
Yet smiles they are, not ghastly mockeries mere.

A thought too strange to house within my brain
Haunting its outer precincts I discern:
– That I will not show zeal again to learn
Your griefs, and, sharing them, renew my pain. . . .

It goes, like murky bird or buccaneer
That shapes its lawless figure on the main,
And staunchness tends to banish utterly
The unseemly instinct that had lodgment here;
Yet, comrade old, can bitterer knowledge be
Than that, though banned, such instinct was in me!

First published in the book, Wessex Poems and Other Verses, in 1898.

The poem was written in 1866 when Hardy was in charge of the excavation of part of the graveyard of St. Pancras Old Church before its destruction when the Midland Railway was extended to a new terminus at St. Pancras.

It was written a year before he completed his first novel, The Poor Man and the Lady, which failed to find a publisher. He would later destroy the manuscript but used some of the ideas in later work.

I found the poem very moving and have thought a lot about how the troubles a friend tells you about exist for them, as well as for the person who has heard it and it hits home for me. I have friends that I feel I should do more for but I have to consider my own situation and the needs of my family, but it doesn't lessen the troubles of those friends.

What an interesting poem, thanks Pamela. It seems to cover so many reactions to when a friend shares their troubles.

The first stanza seem to be saying that distance enables the narrator to not feel their friend's trouble as keenly, although he also insists that what he feels is genuine, and not a pretence. He does not specify whether this distance is geographic or distance through time, or merely "growing apart".

He then says he will not pursue the feelings elicited, which he does faintly feel, for fear of experiencing once again the pain he has had. (I'm not sure of the final couplet.)

I think it's one of those poems which we all react to differently according to our own experience. So I understand your response Pamela, and mine is different.

I'm reminded yet again that while one person is experiencing a bad time in their lives, or even tragedy, another close to them will be feeling joy. I've been in the first place more than once, and today I find myself in the second ...

Yesterday I had a new dog, when it looked for for a long time that they might not pull through their illness, or red tape might prevent them coming to me. But I also heard yesterday that a cousin has just lost her much-loved dog, whom she had for 13 years, and then this morning that a close family member probably has only months to live.

Both are happy for me, and I feel sad for them, but how empathic or authentic can our feelings really be, when overlaid by our own unusually extreme ones? I think this is the sort of thing Thomas Hardy is exploring.

Here's an interesting article about the graveyard, and the Hardy Tree (which you may remember was split by a storm a year or so ago).

https://stpancrasoldchurch.posp.co.uk...

(Moving this thread to currently reading so it is noticed, and linking the poem to our list now.)

I like this poem, Pamela, because we've probably all felt this way at times. We want to help our friends and listen to their concerns, but we can't always be constantly there. We have to also be emotionally available to our family, and listening to constant problems can bring us down too.

The narrator seems to care about his friend, but also needs some space where he's not thinking about the friend's problems:

A thought too strange to house within my brain
Haunting its outer precincts I discern:
– That I will not show zeal again to learn
Your griefs, and, sharing them, renew my pain. . . .

I wonder if he's thinking about his friend, Horace Moule, who was depressed and committed suicide.

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts on this poem. I thought along the lines of being too invested in another's troubles and being forced to create a distance for self-preservation. Don't we all bring our own food to the table? I have been trying to "fix" things for someone for a long time now and I have slowly come to realize that my efforts do not fix their situation but could drag me down into their emotional state if I am not careful. It is not that I do not care as much, it is more about how to accept that their choices are not mine and I must continue my own journey.

I think, Connie, you might be right that he was thinking of Moule. Alcoholism and depression are exactly the kinds of problems you cannot overcome for another person and in which distance might be needed.

My take on the first stanza is that the distance is geographic, caused probably by his work on the graveyard. Because of the distance, his reaction to the friend's troubles is less strong than it would be if he were present, but it's still genuine.

The "strange," unwelcome thought that intrudes itself on the "outer precincts" of his awareness is that he won't (or at least shouldn't) go out of his way to seek future information about his friend's "griefs," because doing that would cause him shared pain. He staunchly "banish[es]" that unworthy feeling; but in confessing it (in his poetic imagination --I'm sure he never said anything of the sort in real life!) to his friend, he recognizes it as a knowledge that must be bitter to them both that he instinctively had such a thought in the first place, even though he did ban it from his mind.

I like your interpretation, Werner. A totally different, but very valid, way to look at the poem and clearly more supported by the text than my own reaction.

Glad I could share something helpful, Sara!

You usually do!

Thank you, Sara; you're sweet!

Another wonderful poem to choose, Pamela. Thank you. I empathize with everyone's comments about their own personal spin on the poem. I too have had, and continue to have, friends who need more listening, and help with problems, than I am capable of giving. At least in a way that is healthy for me.

I do like Werner's interpretation as well. The last lines left me with the feeling that something had now changed in the friendship because of the unbidden thoughts by the poem's speaker. That the change was permanent, and unrecoverable.

I loved the imagery of those unwanted thoughts as a bird or pirate (buccaneer) stowing away on a ship at sea. I took "shapes its lawless figure on the main" to mean the main sail of a ship. That perfectly describes those unwanted thoughts that will, on occasion, invade us all.