a writers thoughts♡ discussion

heres ur journal lex!

ty!

i wrote this poem about my mental health and my struggles. tell me what you think

Always the
savior,
never the
saved.

I am full of
emotions.
Too heavy for
me.

They used to feel
like sadness and
desperation.

Now, they feel
like rage.
Red, hot
rage.

I sit, throw, break, scream and
mend. But worst of all,
I cry.

Weak, pathetic,
dramatic, embarrassing,
disgusting.

Blood trickles down my thighs,
tears slip from my eyes.

Why? I cry.
Does humanity not see?
See the race I run,
the smile I fake,
the pain I face,
the steps I take?

Am I no more than a
supporting role, background,
small town actor in an
Oscar nominated film?

Take me back to my
innocence. Back before I
craved the sound of
skin tearing, the
feeling of the
cold, cold steel
sliding
against my scarred skin,
the feel of the blood
dripping.

The water burns my skin,
so my heart does not.
Yet, my eyes are still wet.
My heart hurts, heavy and full.
The blade still stings,
shall I give you a reason to pack
all my things?
Stuff it all into boxes,
pack it tightly.

Give away what you please.
Shove the rest into an attic corner,
it is too new for you to deal,
you’ve never lost a child,
not this way, so it is raw,
and it is too much for you.

Do you feel it is your fault?
Do not question why,
as you read my
goodbye.

It was not you, I swear,
I tried to feel alive,
but I am, always was,
forever will be,
my own personal hell.

im really sorry u have ti struggle like that lex

but ur poem is absolutely beautiful

thank you, my mental health has been taking a toll on me lately and i just need to talk about it however i can and poetry is what’s comfortable

i could not agree more, i also happen to struggle with mental health so i feel u🤍

pls know that ur supported and loved and appreciated🤍

same to you ml! 🩶.

i had a rly bad night last night and i had woke my bf up absolutely hysterical and sobbing and he was really confused, bc we had been up all day bc we a had a competition and i sat there and i cried and i felt so bad bc i woke him up and he js kept apologizing for not noticing sooner and that i shouldn’t have drank so much caffeine and i ended up letting him go back to sleep but he just asked me if i wanted to play adopt me with him later and i was like “you don’t like adopt me?” and he told me that he felt bad because he couldn’t stay awake and that i’ve been having a hard few weeks so he’d play any game if i meant he could hear me laugh. i’m about to start bawling again.

im glad u have someone u trust to support u but thats really hard to have been trying to handle for the past couple weeks

A child is born,
their father, loves their mother.
Their mother is a fist towards their father.

He drinks, and rocks and passes out on the porch,
in the snow,
blissfully unaware of why he is
sleeping, on your porch,
your bring him in.

You cover him up with the softest
most fullest blankie you can find.
You even give him your favorite stuffie,
so he isn’t scared, or alone.

You weren’t an idiot,
you knew she did not like him much,
the screaming,
the crying,

Worst of all,
the blaming.
According to your mother,
it was you who made their lives
so miserable.

Why? It’s impossible,
your tiny mind can’t process
how you caused it.

For years to come you believe
it was all
you,

You become
bitter.

Mean girl, they say
Scream profanities at you in the halls,
pull your hair, make you cry.

It is always “mean girl.” never
sad girl.
Never hurt girl,

I stare at the wall, in the dark.
I cry, cry, cry.
Until my eyes become heavy,
I go to sleep hoping,
maybe this will be the last
time

did i cook or am i cooked

lil bit of both may i say

dare you say

I mean... it wouldn't be wrong...

UNLESS THIS IS OFFENDING U

THEN I AM SORRY

NO MLL UR SO OK

oki

didnt wanna read the room wrong…

Today I am 10 days clean and I feel a little better, I’m tired though. I haven’t been having urges as much lately, I’ve been distracting myself with little things, but I’ve been sleeping a lot still.

im glad ur feeling btr, even tho its not perfect yet

Baby steps

baby steps are always good

What does one do when
being “sober” isn’t an option.
When you need to feel
the cold metal
slip across skin.

What do you do
when your mother
yells and cries
“Not my baby”

You haven’t been called
that in fifteen
years.

You have not been
the baby of
anyone
for a very long time.

What does one do
when the world is
against you

The only thing by your side
is the one thing
you promised
to stop.

You told them you threw it away.
really, you slipped it in a small
felt pouch.
Just in case.

You didn’t intend to use it,
really, just in case though.

But you used it.
Again and
again.

Until your skin is not
a solid tan color.
There are strips of white and pink,
old and new,
thin and thick,
jagged and smooth.

What is wrong with me?
you ask God, he does not answer.
Your mother cries, your father does not know.
But the worst? Your teenage brother,
the one you raised.

He stares at you, on the floor, in the pool.
And he sits down next to you
and he holds you
rocks and cries, rocks and cries

Until it all
stops.

i’m bout to start tweaking

why we tweaking

my friend

is irritating me very badly

What did ur friend do?
Also I originally misread that as twerking 😭. And I was you do you pookie.

*and I was like

basically i just feel rly left out by her and so we were talking ab it and we wanted to start a garage band , which was my idea and her and the other girl took said idea and completely excluded me because “idk how to play an instrument” i want to play bass guitar, i’ve played acoustic guitar 3+ years and i have 2+ years of cello experience which is a bass instrument btw. so i explained that and she said it wasn’t relevant and then i was confused bc they’re rly similar and she was like “but it isn’t the same” but it’s almost identical… and another thing that irritates me is she asked my bf to play drum set without telling me or anything, just added him to a gc. two girls and him. that’s it. he doesn’t know how to play drum set. just snare. and i said that and she was like “but he’s a percussionist so he’ll pick it up quickly” and i was like “so he can be included even though he doesn’t know how to play the instrument but i can’t be included” and she was like “you’re obviously not gonna change your mind so im just gonna stop talking about it because im not gonna argue” one of my best friends btw.

but i love her so dearly and stuff so am i really that upset

because i’ve been imagining things recently and stuff so idek

thats kinda really rude tbh
thats not how friends should be
and including ur bf and not u isnt appropriate
at least not in my world
(assume this are straight girls)

they’re both bi, but the girl we’re talking ab has a bf whom she loves dearly and ik she does and the other is talking to a girl. but i have rly bad anxious attachment issues and she’s one of my best friends so im js scared im gonna lose her

i still dont love it tbh
im srry ur friends r doing that

it’s ok i think we got it talked out

i’m gonna go to bed now

Awww Lexi I’m sorry that’s happening to you! Your so sweet, you absolutely do NOT deserve to be left out.

well i'm glad y'all got to talk

lexi (somewhere in northern italy) ♡ ̆̈.ᐟ.ᐟ ʚ wrote: "basically i just feel rly left out by her and so we were talking ab it and we wanted to start a garage band , which was my idea and her and the other girl took said idea and completely excluded me ..."

i used to have friends like that, i'm so sorry she's treating you like that. you don't deserve to be left out at all, that's kind of shtty behavior for a friend. 🫂🫂

Sai.‧ ⊹°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡⊹ wrote: "lexi (somewhere in northern italy) ♡ ̆̈.ᐟ.ᐟ ʚ wrote: "basically i just feel rly left out by her and so we were talking ab it and we wanted to start a garage band , which was my idea and her and the..."

𖤐☾✰starry eyes✰☽𖤐 {mhbfnbwbb} wrote: "well i'm glad y'all got to talk"

Lenabelle wrote: "Awww Lexi I’m sorry that’s happening to you! Your so sweet, you absolutely do NOT deserve to be left out."

thank you guys

seriously anytime