Theology, Meaning, and Morality discussion

It’s the night of the last ten days of Ramadan. Right after I finished reading Masnavi by Rumi, I started to read Confessions by St. Augustine of Hippo, absolutely, after a couple of days of contemplating. The verse from the Quran was recited from the mosque as I leaned my back against the chair. Laylat al-Qadr, in Islamic belief, is one night in the last ten days of Ramadan when angels descend from the sky to the earth, and what is it if it’s not the most prosperous time for a Muslim to pray? My prayers were simple, and it reminded me how, in the face of the universe, I am nothing but dust.

I always have a heart for the Old Testament, especially Psalms, but I never touched the New Testament from the Bible for personal reasons. So at the same time I read Confessions, I braved and prepared myself to swim inside the gospel of Matius (Matthew), Markus (Mark), and Yohanes (John). There’s nothing to compare, since every believer believes in love, and that’s also what I believe. 

Masnavi was hard to digest; that’s why I put down the commentary before I had a chance to fully comprehend it. For it needs proper attention, and I couldn’t take more time to understand the Masnavi while I’m struggling with a heavy health problem myself. It's a beautiful book for sure, but truly challenging for the brain and the soul. Different from Confessions by St. Augustine: it leans more into a literature side; not a scripture. There’s no need for interpretation since it’s an autobiography from St. Augustine himself.

So, from then on began my journey to read this book. And today, half a month later after I started my reading (I still haven’t finished it yet), I'd love to write the commentary of Confessions as I did before with Hyperion, and I'll follow the same design, which is going to be heavy on self-contemplation and personal meaning.

It'll pass, it'll pass, it'll pass. I chanted it like my own mantra in front of the earthly eyes. How the things are shaped beautifully, and how in my poor condition I can still feel the beauty this world has to offer. Sometimes it’s the thought about my creator that makes me feel shallow, when the birds are chirping as I open my eyes, and the sun almost makes what it touches turn into a bright yellowish light. There’s nothing but acceptance in the world full of confusion, and yet, when I found within me a compassion, I saw the world like it's full of compassion. 

The things that were supposed to bother me now seem so small, and it doesn't matter anymore. Is it how it feels to be loved? What do I do to deserve to be loved by this universe? And why would it matter if it’s a universe when, among all things, the truth is something that we can’t put into words? It’s the heart that questions, and the heart makes me full of joy. The anxiety slips in, but the stars still shine through the darkness; isn't it beautiful? The radiance isn’t blinding; it’s healing, it’s forgiving, and it’s forming; like it’s nothing.

“‘God made heaven and earth’ (Gen. 1:1). Where may he come to me? Lord my God, is there any room in me which can contain you? Can heaven and earth, which you have made and in which you have made me, contain you? Without you, whatever exists would not exist.”

“Quoted sentence from Augustine’s Confessions” (Augustine, 397/2006, Book I, Ch. 2).

The human heart is like water. The shape of it will always change based on the vessel, and the flow will follow the intention and desire. It is so easy to tremble with a little discomfort, so effortless to be tainted by anger. There are times when my heart stays tranquil, but the moment of shaking appears more frequently, and it’s easy to notice that the water inside me couldn’t keep it and mostly I got swayed by my emotions. How weak and powerless I am in such moments, but there I believe I can find within me a knowledge that leads me to wisdom.

“At that time You said nothing, and I travelled much further away from You into more and more sterile things productive of unhappiness, proud in my self-pity, incapable of rest in my exhaustion.”

“Quoted sentence from Augustine’s Confessions” (Augustine, 397/2006, Book II, Ch. 2).

Can you hear the music? The melody sounds just right in both of my ears. Life is like a box of chocolate makes me giggle, full of surprises it may seem. This music can’t stop no matter how full my mind is with joy, it’s the heart, isn’t it? The beats struck my heart like a drum: dum-dum-bum and bu-da-bee bum!  My body can’t stop dancing until the exhaustion kicks in and my legs start to feel shaky.

Life is full of surprises, it seems so. There are times I feel attracted to the beauty of the magnificent God who created all things, and who am I here but just a mere human? There is nothing I can do except listen to the tempo and move my body accordingly. Pull me more, God, make me remember that I'm a human, that my heart still can bleed, that my emotions still can be ignited. Pull me closer, God, to whatever place you’re planning to put me into. I'm a dancer of the world; why would I be concerned about something I can’t manifest? The beauty lies in imperfection, and in the becoming, the changes, disappointments, and the music. Can you finally hear the music? It’s all nothing but a human affair, but I'm grateful for it, God, I'm so grateful for it.

“My God, how I burned, how I burned with longing to leave earthly things and fly back to you. I did not know what you were doing with me. For ‘with you is wisdom’ (Job 12:13, 16).”

“Quoted sentence from Augustine’s Confessions” (Augustine, 397/2006, Book III, Ch. 4).

Crying is a blessing for human beings. That’s what I always say to all of my friends and the people who suffer from grief, sadness, and depression. When we were kids we used to cry to express our emotions. When we were hurting, when we were failing at something, when we didn’t get something we wanted. Babies cry to express that they need something. Then, as we grew up we learned about other emotions, and we tended to, unfortunately, suppress our need to cry and to express our disappointment and sadness. 

Adults are more rare to cry, but those repressed emotions don't just go away like that. And the more we try to hold it the more these emotions will resist, until we can’t hold it anymore, it explodes. Just because we’re growing up doesn’t mean we get stripped away from our emotions. They’ll always come, they’ll always be true. Crying isn’t the proof of weakness, it’s the proof that we’re all humans.

“Can I hear from you who are the truth, and move the ear of my heart close to your mouth, so that you can explain to me why weeping is a relief to us when unhappy?”

“Quoted sentence from Augustine’s Confessions” (Augustine, 397/2006, Book IV, Ch. 10).

Where can I go then, my God? If it’s not you where could I go? In this condition I suffered for months of my illness, only spending most of my time inside this cage people called a house, but it’s not a home, God, for even my parents that sincerely lend me a hand actually see me as a burden. Since I was eighteen, I've made my own money. I left university so I can live and afford myself, but at the end of the day they’re still them. Don’t mistake me, God, I'm so grateful that you send me a lot of lovely people into my life; they’re my true family, but it aches me seeing my parents like this. I thought people could change, but am I wrong? Why am I getting wise but my parents don’t? What’s the use of this money? I don’t need theirs, I have mine. Why, then, God, do they always talk about getting something in return for taking care of me? 

God, you know I sacrifice everything for this family. I sacrifice my future, my youth for businesses and connections, community and charity, I thought I had built an empire but you put me into the deep. I have left everything now, and I don’t need anything else but mercy and grace from you. When I stepped my feet into this house again, you showed me that love isn’t something I would get from here. I thought people could change, but I guess some people just can’t, and who am I to blame them, for I also am an imperfect human? You showed me the pain and heartbreak from their inconsiderations. It hurts me, God, truly, but you also showed me that you wanted me to come after you, not them. 

Tuhan, di tanganmu aku diterima.

Engkaulah yang memeluk raga kecilku, yang menyayangi kecilku.

Engkaulah yang memeluk jiwa kecilku dan semua-semua aku.

Sembuhku, untukku, untukmu, untuk kita. 

Sembuhku, Tuhan, untukku, untukmu, untuk semua.

“He is very close to the heart; but the heart has wandered from him. ‘Return, sinners, to your heart’ (Isa. 46:8 LXX), and adhere to him who made you. Stand with him and you will stand fast. Rest in him and you will be at rest. Where are you going to along rough paths? What is the goal of your journey?”

“Quoted sentence from Augustine’s Confessions” (Augustine, 397/2006, Book IV, Ch. 12).

​"Thou hast made us for thyself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in thee."


​Reference Details

​Work: Confessions (Latin: Confessiones)

​Location: Book 1, Chapter 1, Section 1

​Original Latin: "Fecisti enim nos ad te et inquietum est cor nostrum, donec requiescat in te."

My heart aches so much and I don’t know what to do about it. My doctor has decreased my medication and it’s supposed to be a good sign right? However this pain just changes its shape. My body is still skin and bones, my head smokes like it’s going to explode, and now I'm more emotionally exhausted than before. It's like free fall from the sky but I couldn’t see the ground. All is darkness and the only source of light is my eyes that are starting to get dim. It’s devastating, depressing to the point I don’t know what to do anymore about myself. God, what if this pain makes me angry? What if all of these get to the point it’s insufferable and even letting go wouldn’t mean a thing to me?  My benevolence leaves me dry, God, there hath only a little faith of me left, but I wouldn’t let it disappear, no. No, not ever and never.

“Who put this power in me and implanted in me this seed of bitterness (Heb. 12:15), when all of me was created by my very kind God?”

“Quoted sentence from Augustine’s Confessions” (Augustine, 397/2006, Book VII, Ch. 3).

Oh Beloved One, reap me from everything that I thought I already knew. Let me see that empty dirt requires a new seed to be born, that I'm solely nothing but a pot to be filled. I am here accepting my destiny, your decision. It's already a blessing for me to be able to see the world for one more day. So let me be empty, satisfied in my unknowing; bathe me with humility and love me with your blessing so I can feel your presence. All this knowledge is only temporary, for it's only a form of thinking. Your knowledge, God, is vast. Remind me that I'm nothing but human, perfect and imperfect at the same time, your beautiful creation, only made from clay.

“I woke up in you and saw you to be infinite in another sense, and this way of seeing you did not come from the flesh.”

“Quoted sentence from Augustine’s Confessions” (Augustine, 397/2006, Book VII, Ch. 10).

In the meantime I'll write my closing notes on this topic that I'm really fond of. It’s hard to say goodbye to one of the most beautiful works I’ve ever read, but I have to keep going, or I won’t go anywhere but wander in this infinite loop of delays and procrastination.

There are a lot of things happening in my life right now, and my head seems not to be able to follow it. My medical condition has led me astray, I don’t even know whether you, God, have given me another chance to live again or not. So confusing, so bewildering, the nights and days just go round and round and here I am, still dragged by the chain of chaos. My body weight has shown no improvement even until now, and there’s also another wound in my body, all these, my belongings, are fragile and succumb as the second goes by. Even then I took my chance to get into the university and study law, fortunately, I got accepted, unfortunately, my presence has been fragmented, and now I can’t even process my next step without injuring my own being.

God, when you made me read this work from St. Augustine, I knew it was a sign. So many beautiful words are explained here, it’s just sad I couldn’t write thoroughly until the last chapters when he talked about the concept of time, which I admire a lot. This piece of literature has been my magic pill for me to validate my pain and my passion for knowledge. However, the more I suffer the more I feel cut off from reality. That’s why I can only come back to you, my God, the beloved one, is it worth it for me to bring my useless body in front of you? I learned every religion, but in the end I'm the master of none. All that I can say is that every religion has taught me to love. And I'm a Muslim, God, I'm the one who surrenders my faith to you, even in my insufferable fate.

As long as I'm alive I want to help others, but how can I reach them when my own hands are full of blisters and blood? What does it matter if I can’t help my own self? In this commentary I have written a lot of sentimental passages, and now I can see that even when I felt empty, rage, and despair, there’s still a part of me that holds onto this life. This is not shameful to admit my imperfections, because you see me perfectly. When this is all over, would there be a good beginning? My friend said an interesting sentence yesterday. “The beginning after the ending.” And God, you make me see how the sun is burning, how diamonds are found deep inside the earth, and how the pearl is made from pressure. I've been through everything, but I'm still here, tasting the taste I've recognized since I was a kid.

This reminds me of the closing commentary that I wrote for Hyperion. There, I hoped that I'd be better soon, I put my trust in my recovery, and I pictured how I finally saw the beautiful sunrise, not anymore from the motorcycle on my way back home from the doctor. None of those I’ve wished came true, but It’s okay, that’s alright, I find it acceptable. Life works in a very mysterious way, so every kind of outcome, regardless of how I'm feeling about it, my attitude will always be serene. I have accepted what I have to bear.

Essentially, everything has become transparent, and all I can see is the love I allow to shine. What I want to do is to keep looking at the sky and see the birds fly, how the clouds shape. While I keep bringing my scattered body into places searching for knowledge, I’ll let my heart stay. 

My presence, my very existence, God, is the miracle that you tried to show me for a long time. 

Now I can finally see it. 

I can finally see it.

Your name is written everywhere, even closer than my jugular vein.

Kerialika, Have you read Consolations of Philosophy by Boethius?

I think you would really like it.

John wrote: "Kerialika, Have you read Consolations of Philosophy by Boethius?

I think you would really like it."

Thanks for the recommendation, John, I‘ll read it soon.

It was written by the chief counselor of Theodore the Ostrogoth, after he lost in the religious political battle and was in jail sentenced to die. I think in the sixth century but I could be wrong. The entire book is a dialogue with philosophy, who appears as a woman. He starts out very sad, almost crying on paper, talks about pointlessness of life, how life is not fair, etc.

Part is verse, part prose. Try to find a translation that includes verse. It seems more heartfelt....to me.

We are all sentenced to die. We just don't act that way. We try to busy ourselves with other things. I know I do.

Why did I point you to it? Your book reviews are somewhat like his writings.... dealing with similar issues.

John wrote: "It was written by the chief counselor of Theodore the Ostrogoth, after he lost in the religious political battle and was in jail sentenced to die. I think in the sixth century but I could be wrong...."

Ah, yes, there I can see the resemblance. Reading your explanation alone already makes me curious, and joyful, somehow. I'll consider putting this book as my next literature commentary.

As a youth, it was my favorite. The translations vary a lot. Look at a few, I am sure they are all free on kindle, and find the one with the best verse

Thank you for all the wonderful posts. I wanted to post something awhile back. I read this around last Easter (because I felt like it was a good time and I was a little down for some reason), and it was a very sophisticated, thoughtful, dense, and thought-provoking read. I tried to start and end my day reading Augustine's Confessions just to put me in a better frame of mind about going about living each day. And I took my time reading this one, not rushing through. Anyhow, I would like to revisit this one some time, there is just so much food for thought philosophically, spiritually, emotionally, religiously, etc to take away from the reading experience. I think he makes the case how so many pitfalls do in exist in life, things either to challenge us or tempt us down a wrong path, but there is always hope with faith and God to redeem ourselves and overcome. Anyhow, thanks for your thoughtful posts!

Franky wrote: "Thank you for all the wonderful posts. I wanted to post something awhile back. I read this around last Easter (because I felt like it was a good time and I was a little down for some reason), and i..."

It’s my pleasure! I'm glad you had a good time reading this book. I remember you commented on my review post that you just bought the book. And yes I have the same vision; hope will always be here. Our path may be torn, filled with imperfections, mistakes, but reading this book we know that we shall never ever lose hope. I suppose that's the heart of redemption, faith will lead us back to the bigger heart, to our God.

Thanks for taking your time appreciating my commentaries.