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Haven pressed herself closer to the tree. Breathing hard she looked over her shoulder at the cloaked figure that was approaching the house. She had to get back inside without being seen. Turning back she decided to risk a quick whistle.At the sound, her beige Pegasus peeked out of the bushes. Haven beckoned her forward and reached out a hand to her nose.
"Myth" she said, urgently "Myth, you have to go." Myth nickered softly and stepped forward to press her forehead to Havens.
"May you be safe, my friend" Haven said softly "Until tomorrow"
Haven watched her canter away into the night, until she could no longer see her through the bushes. Myth would wait until she was well out of view to start flying. If anyone saw her they would more than likely capture her and take her to their so called "sanctuary" where they kept every animal they could possibly find, to maintain control over the populations. As if they could ever keep tabs on that Haven thought. Any rogue animal was a threat to that said control.
Moving carefully, Haven crept towards the house. Considering that she wasn't even supposed to be out right now Haven stayed clear of the windows, until she got to the one from which she got out. As silently as possible, she opened it, wincing when it squeaked. Carefully she stepped over it and into the house, and moved toward the kitchen.
"Where have you been, slave?" A sharp voice demanded from behind her. Haven turned to face her head supervisor, a tall slender woman with graying hair, who was glaring at her from the dining room doorway.
"I, uh, I was-" Haven stuttered as she searched for an answer. "I was-I thought I heard a noise outside, so I went to check it out"
Stalking closer she inquired "Do You recall what happened last time I caught you roaming outside without permission?"
"Yes, ma'am" Haven whispered, keeping her head down, Mrs. Sheen had caught her sneaking out once before. Haven shuddered at the memory of the rod that nearly broke her ribs after so many strikes. But as risky as it was, Haven needed to get Myth to trust her enough to ride so that she could eventually escape and find her mom and rescue her brother. And she was almost there.
"Let this be the last time" Mrs. Sheen replied, coldly.
"Yes, ma'am"
"Very well, then" She said straightening "We have a guest, go help Sodden make dinner"
Haven turned to leave and entered the kitchen, where twelve year old Sodden was washing dishes. Haven grabbed a knife and started chopping vegetables for soup.
"Where'd you go?" Sodden asked her.
"Same place I always go" she replied
"I don't understand what could be so important that you risk it just to be friends with some wild horse," he said.
"I've told you before" She answered, dropping to a whisper "I need to find my family"
"There's no escaping, Haven, just face it; We're slaves. And we're going to be slaves- at least until the war is over"
Haven sighed and ruffled his brown hair "You're just too young to get it, Sod."
Sodden batted her hand away "I'm only three years younger than you"
"I know, and that's why I'm bringing you with me when I go"
"I can't" he said angrily "You know I can't. The only reason you and I are here right now is because of this" He lifted his hand and showed Haven his nails which were a bright pale blue "I'm from the Blue Tribe, you're from the Green, and we're in Yellow territory. And even if we do manage to get away. I'll just become a slave again because anyone under sixteen without parents is sent away to work for another tribe"
"But I could hide you" she insisted "I'm going to have to hide anyway until I find my mother-"
"Stop, Haven, just stop...It's no use"
Haven suppressed tears as she left the kitchen to set the table. She didn't want to leave him here, but unfortunately he was right; without his parents, it was no safer here than out there. Haven had parents, or at least one of them. Her father had died in the raid from the Yellows when Haven and her twin brother, Jade, were taken. Jade had been sold to a wealthy Blue family before they entered Yellow territory where Haven was sold to the Carmines.
Haven had no way of knowing what happened to her mother but decided to cling to the faint hope that she was still alive.
Moving carefully around the table Haven ladled the soup into bowls as she peered up at the mysterious guest. He looked to be around forty or so with dark black hair. He wore gloves so Haven could not yet determine his tribe but she assumed she was Yellow because unless there was a raid the Tribes almost never mixed.
Returning to her spot by the wall Haven kept her eyes down but paid close attention to the conversation.
Lady Carmine was saying “I must say Dr. Xylo I’m rather surprised that an upper classman such as yourself would travel all the way from Tinge City for business and on horseback none the less”
Tinge City was the capital of their divided nation. Since even before the war, the tribes have been fighting over control of it. Tinge had been taken over fifteen times in the past year but it was keeping it that was the hard part. So far the Yellow tribe was doing fairly well after keeping it for two months and fending off three intended invasions by the Green Blue and Purple Tribes. But Haven thought it was only a matter of time.
“Well Lady Carmine my business is rather important and urgent”
“What exactly is your business here Doctor?” Lord Carmine asked, not impolitely.
“With your permission sir i’d rather discuss it after dinner” Dr. Xylo replied.
“Of course, of course”
Haven let her thoughts wander from the conversation and instead wondered what Dr. Xylo’s business was. There were rumors of science compounds that could activate the Wielding of people artificially. But Haven didn’t believe it was possible.
Welding consisted of a deep connection with earth in order to truly be able to wield its powers. The Tribes all had different ways of Wielding And your Tribe color could easily be determined by your nails.
Haven was from the Green Tribe so if she ever did manifest a wielding power it would some way or another be connected to plants. But chances were slim since the last of her ancestors to manifest lived over fifty years ago. Evidently Haven's family was not very in tune with Earth.
When Haven was finished clearing up the kitchen she and Sodden climbed the stairs to their sleeping quarters. But She had not slept long before Mrs. Sheen came to wake her.
“Get up, Dr. Xylo wishes to see you” she said
“Why?”
“Do not question me slave”
Haven got out of bed, got dressed then she followed Mrs. Sheen to one of the private sitting rooms where she was not usually allowed. Mrs. Sheen opened the door,pushed her in, and closed it without entering.
Haven found herself in a room lit only by the fireplace and had two chairs facing each other, one in which Dr. Xylo was sitting. He looked up at her when she entered and for a moment she just stood there before she remembered to curtsy.
“You wished to see me?...Sir?” She asked.
“Yes” He said “Please, sit” he gestured to the opposite chair.
Haven sat down with her arms in front of her. What did he want she wondered to buy her? This was not usually how it went. But then again after being with the carmines for almost a year she had never been sold. She had only seen it happen to other slaves.
“What's your name?” He asked her, gruffly.
“Haven Verdant” She replied
“Are you content here Haven?“
She pressed her lips together “Yes”
“Really?” He asked with amusement “Be honest”
“As content as a slave could be”
“Do you ever think of escaping?”
She looked up and met his eyes and saw that he was not joking.She hesitated “Yes”
“Where would you go if you did?”
“To the green territory” She said, Still cautious “to my parents"
“And then”
Feeling irritated she said “I don’t know. Try to live a normal teenage life”
“I see.” He said patiently “You wouldn’t try to find your brother Jade?”
Her heart skipped a beat “How do you know about him?” She demanded
He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees “I know about a lot of things Haven. I know your village was raided by the Yellow’s army about a year ago. I know your father was killed and that your mother escaped but you and your brother were taken together but seperated. I know that your only hope to escape is to ride away on the pegasus you call ‘Myth’”
Haven was breathing hard “How long have you been watching me?”
“Long enough… We find you very interesting, Haven”
“‘We’?”
“You may have heard of a science facility that can activate Weilding.”
“I have”
“Well we have tried and been successful with every Tribe except Green, which we have not tried yet”
“Oh” She said as the pieces clicked “ And you want me to be you first experiment"
“It is not so much as a matter of experimentation any longer” He reassured her “Only a matter of doing”
“So your going to buy me and then take me to your‘facility’ and activate my weilding?” she asked, confused.
“No, no, dear Haven” He chuckled “The choice is entirely up to you. If you wish to join us though you will have to come on you pegasus. This operation is highly classified and I can not afford any suspicion."
Haven nodded “So why me?” she asked “Couldn’t you just get anyone from the Green territory, I mean why go through all the trouble of watching me this long if it could be so much simpler for you?”
“As I said; this is a highly classified operation and I can only reveal more information when you are at the facility.”
“Alright”
“If you have no further questions I will leave you to your thoughts. But If you do decide to join us; just go to the tinge city library and ask to see Dr. Aris”
I must not be thinking straight Haven thought as she dressed. A long dress and soft shoes was usually her preferred style but for tonight's events she thought a short dress, leggings, and boots were a better idea. she wrapped two layers of socks around her boots though to make sure she wouldn't make too much noise walking around.
Haven reached under her bed and grabbed three things, all of which she was not supposed to have but had secretly acquired. A knife, a satchel, and a lock pick. She concealed the knife low behind her back, making sure it was easily accessible. Next she used the pick carefully, and silently, just like she had practiced, to open the lock on her door.
She crept into the kitchen and stuffed her bag with as much food as she could fit. she didn't feel too bad about taking food from the carmines. considering everything they took from her.
Leaving the kitchen she came upon the window she had used just yesterday. Sliding it open she stepped out onto the grass and started to make her way around the house. Havens heart was beating rapidly by the time she reached Sodden's window. Like all the slave quarters his room was upstairs. Haven moved to the corner of the house and climbed the jagged bricks there. She moved along the pipeline while hugging the wall and finally reached Sodden's window.
She tapped on his window lightly, counted to thirty, then tapped again. Oh come on Sodden wake up. He couldn't want to stay here that bad could he?
Haven unlocked the window and opened it as quietly as she could, but it still creaked. The noise against the silent night was earsplitting. Never the less she opened it all the way and pushed aside the curtains and nearly gasped.
Sodden was not in his bed.
Haven jumped into the room and franticly began to rummage through the room for any sign of were he was. He hardly had any belongings, if any, so she couldn't tell if he had packed up and left. She checked his door and found that it was still locked.so he couldn't be around the house and the window had been locked also. Haven stepped back to survey the room one more time. Maybe he was still working? But she couldn't hear anything from the rest of the house. Had he really sneaked out somewhere? He had never
Mod
Mod
In the beginning when Sodden is explaining about the tribes to Haven, Haven would already know that because it's her world, so Sodden is only saying it for the reader's benefit. It's a sneaky way of info dumping.
The only other thing is that in the beginning she remembers being beaten with a metal rod and it almost breaking her ribs, but human ribs are extremely breakable and she would have had to be beaten very lightly for it not to break her ribs.
That's pretty much all the critiques I have.
wow Thanks so much!Do you have any ideas on how I could explain to the reader about the tribes?
Had he really sneaked out somewhere? He had never done that before. Oh Sodden she thought where are you?She sighed maybe sodden was somewhere in the yard. Just as she was taking a step toward the window a light came on in the hall. Maybe that window did wake up the whole house.
Haven scrambled for the window and closed the curtains just as the door opened. "Sodden's gone!" She heard someone say.
"Check the other slaves' quarters!" Came Mrs. Sheen's voice
Oh Boy
Haven made her way back down to the ground as fast as she could but paused before going any farther Was she really going to leave without sodden. if she was lucky she might be able to make it back to her room before they found out she was gone. But for what? Just to here Sodden refuse to come in person? If he even came back that is. But for his sake Haven hoped he wouldn't. If they found him sneaking around they would probably beat him just as bad as they did her. If not worse.
By then the whole household would be up and searching. It wouldn't be long until they started searching the grounds. Wherever you are Sodden, stay safe.
Quick as she could, Haven ran to the forest. Halfway there she heard someone cry out "There she is!" She kept running but glanced over her shoulder to see one of the Carmines' many servants sprinting after her. With a sinking heart Haven realized that he would overtake her before she made it to the woods. As she continued to run she heard him closing distance. Finally he reached out and grabbed her wrist. Haven tried to wriggle from his grasp but only ended up being held on to tighter.
The man turned his back to her and hollered "I've got her!" at the growing crowd by the house.
Haven moved quickly and kicked the man on the back of his kneecap as hard as she could, thankful she was wearing boots. The man dropped to his knees and was distracted long enough for her to yank her arm from his grasp. She made for the forest again and looked back to see that her pursuer was momentarily slowed and would not beat her to the woods again.
Haven whistled and myth came cantering out of the bushes. The sight of her made everyone else stop. Most of them had probably never even seen an animal before. Much less a mythical one.
Haven had only flown with myth a few times so they were still shaky. Haven touched her forehead to Myth's and said "Myth fly with me" just as she had said every time they flew together. Myth nickered and backed up a few steps. Haven used a tree stump to hoist herself up. "Go, Myth, go!"
Keeping her wings tucked in myth took off in a heavy gallop across the field. Taking off after a few strides.
Haven braced herself as they approached the clearing. Landing had always been the worst part of the flight. She closed her eyes and didn't open them until she felt the impact.
She slid down from myth and reached into her bag for a carrot. Moving in front of myth, Haven held it out for her. Rubbing her cheek as she chewed Haven said "Good girl, Myth. I couldn't have made it without you" Myth continued to chew her carrot.
They were in the outskirts of tinge city, waiting. The library didn't open until sunrise, and Haven didn't want to be in town any longer than necessary. Especially since she would be wearing gloves. It was not unusual for the nobility to wear gloves; it was a sign of high status in fact. To be able to hide your tribe colors without suspicion showed that you had close connections with the Chief Wielder. For a commoner on the other hand wearing gloves was dangerous. Someone could randomly demand that she take them off and display her colors. And she would have to obey. Then she would be made a slave again.
Still it was better than nothing.
Hoping to improve her appearance. Haven fastened on a black cloak she had brought with her. That should be enough to hide the gloves. She thought after washing her face in a nearby river she tied her long brown hair into a braid over her shoulder.
Haven looked up. The sun was rising now. She would have to set off before the town got packed.
She considered tying Myth to a tree but decided against it. Myth had never been tied up before and she had always come when Haven needed her. And besides, she didn’t know when she would be back. If ever. This could be the last time she ever saw Myth.
Wrapping her arms around her neck Haven said “Good bye, Myth. Ill see you again i hope”
Facing the town, Haven set off on a brisk pace.
Haven had never been inside Tinge city. And she had no clue where the library would be. She had two options; find a map or ask for directions. Finding a map would take longer. Which meant a higher risk of exposure. But then again, asking for directions meant making direct contact with someone. Both were risky but haven couldn’t afford to waste hours of her time here.
Looking around she saw to her right a booth full of radiant fabrics of every color, with an elderly woman at the counter, behind that a bakery, to her left there were a couple of houses, with boys around Sodden's age playing marbles.
She decided to ask them since they seemed too young for accusations.
“Hello” She said, putting her hands behind her back when they all looked up at her “do you think you could direct me to the public library?”
They looked a bit annoyed to have their game interrupted but one of them piped up. “It’s left at the cross and then strait till you get there”
“thanks, Buddy” She replied
She could still feel their eyes on her as she moved down the road. She went quickly so as not to draw anymore attention to herself than she already did.
The Tinge City Library was a tall white building with a stained glass window on top. It looked more like a museum than a library to Haven.
Walking up the steps,Haven considered what to say to the librarian. Dr. Xylo had told her to insist on seeing Dr. Aris. What did he mean by that exactly?
The doors to the library were as heavy as they looked and it took Haven three tries to get it open wide enough to slip through.
Once inside Haven was greeted by more shelves than she could possibly count. And all stuffed to the brim with books. Haven briefly wondered how all of those books had survived in this city. She also wondered if they were only from the yellow tribe or if they were from all the tribes mixed together.
“Hey!” Her thoughts are interrupted by an angry voice to her right. “You can’t be in here!”
Looking down at her was a woman who looked to be about thirty or so and wearing a uniform.
“Why not?”
“We are no longer open to the public”
“Since when” Haven asked
“Since we were taken over by the Yellow tribe” She answered quietly. For the first time Haven noticed that her nails were red. The tribe who previously had control of tinge. She must have been captured during the invasion.
“You’re a slave?” Haven asked sadly.
“You’re not?” She retorted, eyeing Haven’s gloves.
Haven pulled her hands behind her back. “I’m here to see Dr. Aris” she said firmly.
Haven saw a flash of recognition in her eyes before she turned back to her work saying, “I know of no one by that name”
“I Insist” Haven said
Looking up from her work again, the woman looked Haven over as if for the first time, settling on her gloves again. “Take them off” she told her “Your gloves”
“Take me to Dr. Aris,” Haven demanded, ignoring her.
“Your gloves” She repeated, calmly.
Haven crossed her arms.
“Very well,” She said, turning back to her work.
“Fine” Haven said, peeling off her gloves, and holding her hand up. “Look.”
“Green” She smiled “What is your name?”
“Haven”
“hmm…you’ll do” Getting up she extended her hand “pleasure to meet you” she said “I’m Dr. Coleen Aris”
“You’re Dr. Aris?”Haven asked, unconvinced.
“That I am,” she answered, still holding out her hand. Haven shook it.
“Follow me” Dr. Aris said
“Why were you here?” Haven asked as they walked. “Dr. Xylo said you had some sort of ‘facility’.”
“I do” She said “but I like to meet my clients upon first arrival”
“Why?”
“It helps me to better assess their true personality”
Aris led her down a series of hallways and then down several flights of stairs. By then Haven thought they were well underground.
“Put your gloves back on, there’s going to be a crowd.”
“A crowd?” Haven asked, they had to be at least one hundred feet underground. Why would there be a crowd down here? She got her answer when Dr. Aris opened the door to an underground subway station.
Haven had her gloves but Aris still had her red nails on perfect display. “What about you?” Haven asked
“Don’t worry about that” Aris said and headed toward the ticket booth.
Haven was starting to panic. They were already in a crowd, was Aris really going to attempt to get tickets from a yellow business with red nails. Which made her wonder. If Aris was the scientist who could supposedly activate wielding artificially, Did that mean Aris could wield? But then again no wielder was ever a slave. If she even was one.
It looked like Aris was going to get tickets.There was no way they could get away with this undetected but Haven thought that if Aris could figure out how to activate wielding on command she should be able to evade capture.
Haven walked with her to the ticket booth. Aris didn’t even flinch as she said to the clerk “I need two ticket to the edge of the city please”
“Thirity dollars"
Haven watched nervously as Aris dug in her pocket, pulled out a fifty and handed it to him. She suspected him to realize any minute now but he just opened to register and handed Aris a twenty and two tickets. Watching the exchange Haven realized why.
Aris’s nails were now yellow.
“How did you do that?” Haven demanded when they were out of earshot.
“Do what?” Aris asked.
Haven grabbed her hand and looked at her nails which were still yellow. She held it up to show Aris. “This” She said, breathless.
Aris gently, but firmly pulled her hand out of Haven's grasp. “Oh that” she said with a chuckle. “I’ll show you Haven, in time"
Exasperatedly Haven boarded the train along with aris and found seats. “I never asked you where we’re going.” Haven said.
“You’ll see” Aris responded, pleasantly.
“Are you ever going to give me a straight answer?”
“Perhaps when we get there”
“Get where?”
“Nice try”
“What’s your real tribe color?”
Aris gave her a look that seemed to ask if she really expected an answer.
Haven shrugged “Worth a shot” She said
Haven and Aris were the only ones to get off at the edge. Haven looked out at the thick forest bordering the fence “Where exactly is wherever we’re going” she asked
“Just a few miles off”
“Haven” came Dr Xylo’s voice “so glad you could come” He extended his hand out to her.
Haven shook his hand and nodded once, not quite ready to talk.
Gazing around Haven was surprised by the interior of the building. Unlike the outside, which was so well camouflaged into the forest that she would have walked right past it had Dr. Aris not been with her, the inside of the building was decorated with nothing but machinery with the occasional colorful furniture that stood out against the white tile.
Leaving Haven with Xylo and a few other assistants Aris retreated to one of the back laboratories.
“You must be tired” He said “I’ll show you to your room shortly, but first i Need you to check something for me” He motioned for her to follow and started walking toward the back.
Haven could not shake the feeling that she was being compressed as the others flanked her on both sides.
“So how is it?” Haven asked as they walked “That you activate Weilding?”
“You’ll see for yourself soon enough”
“Ok…can you tell me why you needed me for you to be active?”
Reaching the end of a brightly lit hall, Xylo pulled open a door that led to a stable. All of the stalls were closed and locked but from the noise and smell of the place Haven could tell that they were occupied.
“The activation process genuinely works better on individuals under the age of twenty one” He said.
Mod
I made you a topic if you have anymore of your story you want to post.
I took look at the passage you posted earlier and I like it I wouldn't change anything, but it was a very small passage and I kind of need more to do proper editing.