2010 Writers discussion

Hola :)
So I had to post my First Chapter in 6 different parts because it was waaaaaaaay too long for the maximum chapter amount. Here's the link:
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/5...
So yeah, check it out and please leave comments! Suggestions welcome! :D If anyone has trouble getting to the page, let me know and I'll try and see if I can fix it.
♫ Peace ♫

The link or the story? :P

Sam, I had a chance to read your chapter one. Here are some of my thoughts.

In the beginning this things seem too obvious. I can tell that this fifteen year old from cali will be her love interest. He's rich and from Cali, so what do they have in common is not enough. Her character description of herself seems to be of the average girl, which is fine, but she's the average girl with no conflict in her life. I wish she had something interesting in her world prior to this story. Or start the story later.
A great quality of hers is that she'd from the country. Since I'm not from the country I would love to discover the country her through her eyes. Really I would love to know this before I even heard about this bozo boring guy from Cali.
The part where she is making the food is great. The insight to her character is much better than the foreshadowing of the story in the earlier part of the chapter. I like this young girl. Here, I don't think she needs to say all this. "Did I mention I don’t like washing dishes? Well, I don’t detest them, I just don’t like them so I try to do them as quick as I can when I have to." A simple, "I don't like doing dishes," will be fine.
In short, the writing is fine, however, I don't agree with the timing of this first chapter. I think you should move the action closer somehow, even though I haven't read the other chapters.

yeah, me too. sorry :(

It's okay guys! :D No worries. Hakuna Matata ;)

:D It means no worries, for the rest of your days! It's a problem-free, philosophy....

Hahahaha XD

U.L. wrote: "Sam, I had a chance to read your chapter one. Here are some of my thoughts.

In the beginning this things seem too obvious. I can tell that this fifteen year old from cali will be her love intere..."

Thanks so much for the review! :) I found some of your advice very helpful, like the part about having more description of the country itself. I added that extra bit of chattering about the dishes because that's sometimes the way I talk and I wanted her to seem real. I was re-reading the review and I noticed that it seemed that you were implying that she'd like him because he's rich and from California... She doesn't care for riches that way. I wasn't sure if that's what you meant, but it seemed like it. So yeah. Thank you :)

I've put up the second chapter!!!! :D
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/5...

Sam, this is a very good line:
"Did I mention I don't like washing dishes? Well, I don't detest them, I just ydon't like them so I try to do them as quick as I can when I have to."
Keep this, and don't shorten it, its something that made me feel, okay now here's something interesting to read ...

I like the question. I like the answer. it sounds like you and develops your character in a way that sounds like we are in the room together talking to each other while you're at the sink and life is going on.

:) in my opinion, Sharon Roni Ellis
Author of "SEEING THE LIBERTY, The Journey of Eve's Daughter"

Sharon wrote: "Sam, this is a very good line:
"Did I mention I don't like washing dishes? Well, I don't detest them, I just ydon't like them so I try to do them as quick as I can when I have to."
Keep this, an..."

Sharon, thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment on my story! It's appreciated. :) I'm glad you like that line! I actually wrote it because I thought that maybe it would make Dakota more of a realistic character or a character that you can tell really has her own attitude and life.

Excuse me, but, what question and answer? I'm very happy that my story and characters are good enough to draw people in and make them part of the book!!! :D

*peace*
Sam

Sam!! I mean the question : "Did I mention I don't like washing dishes?' You see, when you ask a question in dialogue, then you engage the reader in a heightened expectetion. A heightened expectation of what? (see, I asked a question) ... The expectation of getting the answer. And so the reader is driven along to find out what the author gives as the answer./
So, I like you answer, : Well, I don't detest them .... etc ...do them as quick as I can when I have to."

I think your instincts were correct to give the reader an insight to the realistic character of Dakota.

Sharon

Sharon. Oh yes, I just didn't understand that, sorry. Thank you for the advise! I really enjoyed reading your comments, actually. :)
If you liked my story, I just posted a short story and I'm hoping to post one more very soon. I'd appreciate it if you'd check it out and maybe continue reading my original Dakota story as I post it up. I'd like to hear more of your comments about it. It will be a little while before I post it up, I'm very busy. But I'm hoping to post a chapter a month if I can.

*peace*
Sam

Hey, everyone, I posted a short story! Check it out, please, and tell me what you think!! :D

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...