Spreading the Happiness discussion

Hey, anyone got some good jokes? We've got to start spreading that happiness!

Well, I don't have any jokes, but I want to say that this group will fail to do it's job for me if people start sharing yo mama, racist, sexist, or any other insulting jokes.

Alright, well I've got one.

Okay, so there's this 80 year-old lady, right? Well she wins the lottery and needs something to spend her money on, so she decides to buy a house. She sees her house and thinks "this house is so cute, I think I'll give it a name" so she does. She names it big hairy butt. After a while she got tired of being by herself, so she bought a dog. She thought, "well, he needs a name" so she named him crack. One day he got out of the yard. She searched all over but could not find him. She went to get some help.
"Excuse me," she said.
"Yes," said the stranger.
"Sorry to bother you, but I've lost something, can you help me find it?"
"Sure, what is it?"
"Well," she says, "I've been looking all over my big hairy butt, but cannot seem to find my crack."

LOL.

Ha ha ha! LOL! I've heard this before but it's still funny. I was actually thinking about this joke the other day even...maybe the telepathy has returned from it's human form and is following me again!

Lol! That's funny. I suppose your rules mean no blond jokes, Veronica...because I've got millions of those...but I suppose they would be offensive.

Okay, I've got one. XD

A man walks into a bar. He walks up to the barman and says, "I bet you one free beer that I can bite my left eyeball."

The bar man laughs and says, "That's impossible! Of course you can't bite your own eyeball. It's a deal!"

So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The barman gives him a free beer, but the man is not done yet.

"I bet you another free beer that I can bite my other eyeball," the man says to the barman.

The bar man laughs again. "Now, that's impossible! You can't have two glass eyes. It's a deal!"

So the man takes out his fake teeth and bites the other eye.

lol! I heard that one before, but the second bet he makes is with biting his ear, at least in the version I heard.

Lol, Sella! I have another one along the same lines.

Okay so there are three people riding in a car. Shut up, Crap and Manners. Well Crap falls out. Shut up runs to go get help. He finds a nearby police officer and says, "excuse me sir."
"Yes?"
"Well I need some help."
"Okay, what is your name?"
"Shut up."
"That's not very nice, what is your name?"
"Shut up."
"Where are your manners?"
"Over there," -points- "picking up Crap."

LOL!!

Okay, here's one.

Two muffins are sitting next to each other in an oven. The first one says, "It's getting very stuffy in here." And the second one says, "Holy cow! A talking muffin!"

ROFL! My sister and I are cracking up right now!

Teehe. :D

LOL Sella. Ok here is one:

Ok so there were 5 little piggies. The first one walked into a bar and said "I want a coke." the server gave him one. He drank it and said "I need to use the restroom." "Its on your left." said the server. The same things happended to pig 2, 3, and 4. The 5th little pig came in and asked the server for a coke. The server got him and watched him finish. The pig got up to leave and the server asked "Arent you going to go to the bathroom?" The 5th pig just laughed and said "I'm the 5th pig, I go wee wee wee all the way home."

(my brother taught me that when i was younger)

That's great Giggles! Great!

Lol, Giggles!!

ha ha ha! I've never heard that one before!

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the
obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After
the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50
cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,
let it read 'Fred Brown died'."

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there
is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again,
counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown
died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

I've another one!

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender?"

LOL! It took me a second to get it, but I did!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and
fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

''Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.''

Watson replies, ''I see millions of stars.''

‘‘what does that tell you?''

Watson ponders for a minute. ''Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we
are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What does it tell you?''

Holmes is silent for a moment, and then speaks. ''Watson, you idiot, someone
has stolen our tent.''

This is HILARIOUS!

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more
consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring
effective time management & equal treatment of all. In the future, the doors to
all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices,
which can only be activated to open at the
sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management
with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.

The following rules shall also apply:

1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip
credits.

2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will
not unlock to your voice until first day of next month.

3. All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall
occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into
dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open.

4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET
OFFENDERS board.

5. Anyone caught smiling will undergo counseling.

6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred
while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from
opening.

HA HA HA!!!!!!!!! Where did you hear this one?

I found it online with Kassy. We were bored in computers.

Answering Machines

Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...

Play the Office Game
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh!

In a bathroom in New York somewhere, if you tell a lie you disapear. A Brunette walks into the bathroom. "I am the Hottest girl in New York!" POOF she disappeared. A red headed girl walks into the bathroom. "I am the smartest girl in New York!!" POOF she disappeared. A blonde walks in the bathroom. "I Think..." POOF she disappears.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely
quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

"The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 pounds, and he's a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Sorry about posting so many time. I'm bored.

LOL Kenzie those are so funny

I've just been cruising around on the internet for jokes. I really enjoy them. These were some of my favorites that I found.

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

I have to say, I like 'the twilight phone' answering message best of any of the jokes.

I didn't really like the last one giggles posted though...I don't take sexist jokes personally, but they do kinda bother me...

Kenz, that is a blonde joke. And I believe that we agreed no blonde jokes!

Did we? When?

It was the one Kenzie posted about the zapping and thinking.

I think she was asking when we agreed on no blonde jokes. And specifically, we didn't.

I think it was maybe the second post in this discussion that I said, okay, lets share jokes, but don't share things that are insulting. And then somebody else said I guess that means no blonde jokes.

I suppose blonde jokes rea okay though, as long as nobody in this group takes any offense to them. I know I don't, not personally.

HAHA I'm blonde as heck and I dont care at all. Be Blonde and Be Proud!!! (Blondie is my cheer name anyway)

Okay. Didn't mean to insult anyone if someone was insulted. I just find some of them funny.

Didn't mean to make a big deal out of it.

A blond woman was sitting having a drink at a bar with her friends when she suddenly needed the toilet, she excused herself and went into the ladies lavatories, but once in the cubicle she found that her zipper was stuck and she wet herself. She hoped that her friends would understand and drive her home so went made her way over to the bar where her they were sitting. "What happened to you?" one asked. She blushed and replied, "I couldn't get my skirt off."

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Frito's:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) (Ok, It was supposed to be translated as " to be used for intended use only" basically what it means is don't use your food processor as a wood chipper people. lol)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Warning:Not all of these jokes are... clean. I found them on a website.



Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:...

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."*

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget about it.*

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!*

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.

A man was driving along the side of the road with a car full of penguins, when a cop suddenly appeared in his rear-view mirror. The cop walked up to the car and exclaimed that if he didnt take the penguins to the zoo right away he would get a ten thousand dollar ticket. The man drove off on the way to the zoo.

Now he was a busy man and was late for a doctors appointment. So, he pulled over a guy named George on the road and gave him 100 dollars to take the penguins to the zoo for him. Now george loved animals, so he agreed, and off they went.

An hour later the man was driving along on the way back from his doctors appointment, and he saw george walking along the side of the road with the penguins. " I thought i told you to take the penguins to the zoo." the man told george. " I did, " George replied, " Now we are going to the movies. "

I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients were dying in the same bed every Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was contaced and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. On the next Sunday morning a few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.

Just then the clock struck 11…

And then……

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast!

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?" "The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.