Q&A with Julie Metz, author of Perfection discussion

Readers always ask me about my daughter and my family. They also wonder what it was like being on the Oprah Winfrey Show! I welcome any questions you might have on any topic related to my book.

I am not quite to the end of your book yet, but I would like to know how hard it is to trst someone else and are you always thinking about previous experiences in any new relationships?

The events I wrote about in my book happened in 2003-2004. It did take me a while to feel trusting. My experiences were so transformative that I really became a different person, more curious and self-examining. So I took baby steps, then bigger steps into my new life. At this point I have been in my present relationship for six years, and it feels healthy and honest. I have been able to put my marriage into a deep place in my mind and heart--I do not forget it, but it doesn't dominate my present life as it once did.

I was also somewhat similar to that in my previous relationship. It was very controlling, as in I couldnt go out without his approval, he told me what to do and when to do it, gave me an allowance, etc. After it turned physical, I got out of that and married my husband. I was very suspicious at first and tried to assert myself because I didnt want any man to feel he could control me anymore.

It has just now, after 14 years, become more equal, as in us making decisions together, instead of me making all the decisions so I wouldnt feel controlled again.

I have a friend who was married for 13 years with 2 children and then her husband left her and told her he was gay. Looking back, she sees signs she may have missed. Looking back, as they say hindsight is 20/20, do you think you saw "signs" of Henry's relationships with other women and subconsciously turned a blind eye to or was it really a total and complete blindside?

Oh yeah, and you can dish about Oprah too, LOL! Was she nice? Was she a diva?

Hi Allyson:
to your first query...I think with hindsight we can always see the patterns, but when you have a lot at stake in a relationship or a marriage, as I did, you often don't want to look at the signs. I had a young child, I was committed to my marriage, I wanted it to work even though it wasn't healthy. So I think it takes courage to look at a situation and realize that you have to make change. That's the first step.

Oprah! So ten minutes before they walk you out onto the stage I was sitting in the green room, listening to the guest before me, and my hands were sweating like crazy, so bad that I had to go get paper towels from the bathroom and pat my hands. I was thinking, I've got to shake her hands and they're going to be sweaty and clammy and THAT won't be good! Then a nice guy comes to walk you out tot he set. "Are you ready?" he asks...well, no I wasn't really but off I went. They put me in the comfy chair and I looked up and there she was. And she was looking at me with this expression that seemed to say, "I really do want to know who you are in these next fifteen minutes." Then she said something nice about my shoes, which a woman always appreciates, and maybe that's her standard icebreaker but it worked and suddenly I felt quite relaxed. She has that gift.

After the taping she gave me a big hug. If felt like Oprah mojo! I can still feel it when I close my eyes.

So, for me it was a positive experience, one I'd be happy to repeat.