Hello all, there doesn't seem to be a Humor category yet, so I'm placing this into "Historical Fiction," seeing as how it is based on historical events that did happen in my classroom, and it has been somewhat fictionalized. :)
Learn Me Good, by John Pearson (that's me!) is available on Amazon, Kindle, ipad, etc. Copyright 2006, John Pearson.
Here's the blurb: Jack Woodson was a thermal design engineer for four years until he was laid off from his job. Now, as a teacher, he faces new challenges. Conference calls have been replaced with parent conferences. Product testing has given way to standardized testing. Instead of business cards, Jack now passes out report cards. The only thing that hasn't changed noticeably is the maturity level of the people surrounding him all day. Learn Me Good is a hilarious first-person account, inspired by real life experiences. Through a series of emails to Fred Bommerson, his buddy who still works at Heat Pumps Unlimited, Jack chronicles a year-in-the-life of a brand new teacher. With subject lines such as "Irritable Vowel Syndrome," "In math class, no one can hear you scream," and "I love the smell of Lysol in the morning," Jack writes each email with a dash of sarcasm and plenty of irreverent wit.
And from page 99:
Date: Thursday, December 4, 2003 To: Fred Bommerson From: Jack Woodson Subject: Birthday wishes
Hola, amigo! Sorry if I put you off your lunch yesterday, but at least now you have a new phrase guaranteed to get you out of status meetings. Use it wisely, my friend. Today was Mrs. Swanson’s birthday. She is obviously beloved by the kids because several of them brought in balloons and cards. Krissy, Salma, and Laura, who are in her homeroom, came over to my room right before the day started and tried to enlist my help in some sort of birthday surprise. I was supposed to lure Kelly away from her room so that the kids could work their magic. I’m afraid I didn’t help them much. At around 8:30, I called Kelly on her cell phone and told her there was something she should come over and see. She let out an exasperated sigh and said that the kids had been trying to get her to come to my room all morning. She sounded very annoyed. “Do I REALLY need to come over there?” she asked. I decided then that the kids were on their own. “Um. . .not really,” was my reply. Later, she told me that the kids had gotten her out of the room somehow anyway and then closed the door, locking her out. When she finally got back in, the kids were all hiding behind tables and bookshelves—except, of course, for the one who had to come and open the door for her—and they jumped out and shouted, “SURPRISE!” Yes, I’m sure she was stunned, had no idea whatsoever that they had all gathered there in her honor. But at least the kids seemed pleased with themselves. More fun later in the day. Usually, Kelly is the one from our grade-level who collects money and then goes out and buys a card and gift for the birthday person. But this being her birthday, and me being her partner, I had volunteered to do that duty this time. So last night, I got her a card and a gift certificate from one of those candle, soap, and handbag places. To Infinity, and the Bathroom and Beyond, or something like that. Don’t worry, I got you a lovely cucumber-honey loofa; I know they’re your favorite. Before sending the card around to the other teachers, I wrote my own birthday wishes, and then I added a few extra signatures. One said, “Have a grout day, Msis Swasnsn. Louve, Marvin.” I also wrote, “You can’t see me. Happy birthday from your favorite student, Mark Peter.” Fortunately, Kelly got a kick out of that. See, I miss that aspect of the job at Heat Pumps – the card signings, where even though there were only about ten of us that would sign a card, somehow fifty signatures and comments would turn up. I don’t yet know the people here well enough to know if writing, “Hope the operation is a success!” or “Sorry to hear about your poodle’s run-in with the school bus!” on a birthday card would be considered funny or offensive. And do you remember what Latya wrote in Larry’s birthday card a few years ago? “Meet me out back at 8:00, Honey Buns. Love, Ron Philby.” That probably wouldn’t play too well here, which is a shame. Miss the gang there, Hallmark Hacker
Learn Me Good, by John Pearson (that's me!) is available on Amazon, Kindle, ipad, etc. Copyright 2006, John Pearson.
Here's the blurb:
Jack Woodson was a thermal design engineer for four years until he was laid off from his job. Now, as a teacher, he faces new challenges. Conference calls have been replaced with parent conferences. Product testing has given way to standardized testing. Instead of business cards, Jack now passes out report cards. The only thing that hasn't changed noticeably is the maturity level of the people surrounding him all day. Learn Me Good is a hilarious first-person account, inspired by real life experiences. Through a series of emails to Fred Bommerson, his buddy who still works at Heat Pumps Unlimited, Jack chronicles a year-in-the-life of a brand new teacher. With subject lines such as "Irritable Vowel Syndrome," "In math class, no one can hear you scream," and "I love the smell of Lysol in the morning," Jack writes each email with a dash of sarcasm and plenty of irreverent wit.
And from page 99:
Date: Thursday, December 4, 2003
To: Fred Bommerson
From: Jack Woodson
Subject: Birthday wishes
Hola, amigo!
Sorry if I put you off your lunch yesterday, but at least now you have a new phrase guaranteed to get you out of status meetings. Use it wisely, my friend.
Today was Mrs. Swanson’s birthday. She is obviously beloved by the kids because several of them brought in balloons and cards. Krissy, Salma, and Laura, who are in her homeroom, came over to my room right before the day started and tried to enlist my help in some sort of birthday surprise. I was supposed to lure Kelly away from her room so that the kids could work their magic. I’m afraid I didn’t help them much.
At around 8:30, I called Kelly on her cell phone and told her there was something she should come over and see. She let out an exasperated sigh and said that the kids had been trying to get her to come to my room all morning. She sounded very annoyed. “Do I REALLY need to come over there?” she asked. I decided then that the kids were on their own. “Um. . .not really,” was my reply.
Later, she told me that the kids had gotten her out of the room somehow anyway and then closed the door, locking her out. When she finally got back in, the kids were all hiding behind tables and bookshelves—except, of course, for the one who had to come and open the door for her—and they jumped out and shouted, “SURPRISE!”
Yes, I’m sure she was stunned, had no idea whatsoever that they had all gathered there in her honor. But at least the kids seemed pleased with themselves.
More fun later in the day. Usually, Kelly is the one from our grade-level who collects money and then goes out and buys a card and gift for the birthday person. But this being her birthday, and me being her partner, I had volunteered to do that duty this time. So last night, I got her a card and a gift certificate from one of those candle, soap, and handbag places. To Infinity, and the Bathroom and Beyond, or something like that. Don’t worry, I got you a lovely cucumber-honey loofa; I know they’re your favorite.
Before sending the card around to the other teachers, I wrote my own birthday wishes, and then I added a few extra signatures. One said, “Have a grout day, Msis Swasnsn. Louve, Marvin.” I also wrote, “You can’t see me. Happy birthday from your favorite student, Mark Peter.” Fortunately, Kelly got a kick out of that.
See, I miss that aspect of the job at Heat Pumps – the card signings, where even though there were only about ten of us that would sign a card, somehow fifty signatures and comments would turn up. I don’t yet know the people here well enough to know if writing, “Hope the operation is a success!” or “Sorry to hear about your poodle’s run-in with the school bus!” on a birthday card would be considered funny or offensive. And do you remember what Latya wrote in Larry’s birthday card a few years ago? “Meet me out back at 8:00, Honey Buns. Love, Ron Philby.” That probably wouldn’t play too well here, which is a shame.
Miss the gang there,
Hallmark Hacker