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Despair- A short story
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Chapter Five- EscapeThis time it's real. The cabin doors bang behind me, the memories surge through me. My calves burn, as I run. My frame is so light and airy, I realize how much weight I don't have. I need him right now, so, so much. The memories surge through me, and he's there. He's...there.
"I didn't need time!" I yell at him, "You. Should've. Forced. Me." I cry, tears practically pouring down my face. I so need him, pieces of my heart fall. My hands are on the ground, as I looked up at the hallucination of him. He reaches out to comfort me, but he doesn't say anything. He tries to touch me, but he can't touch me.
"I'm gone." I whisper, and my palms scrape against rocks. I scream silently. My breath screams but no sound comes out. I can hardly breathe, I need him right now. But I'm in the same place as I was in my dream outside the infirmary. The sun was barely up, and I cried. I cried, the shadows seeped into me.
"My fault!" I cry. "My...fault." I whisper. His face hovers in front of me. "Nat, how could you?" It whispers to me. I cry, shaking my head. "I don't know!" I wrap my hands around my neck, searching for an escape. I pound my already-bloody fits on the ground. I hear horrible strangled cries, the seconds seemed like years.
The hallucination walks away, and I count the steps it takes. It doesn't walk like Edwin, but I want it anyway. It's details weren't right, it was only my height when Edwin was a few inches taller than me. The curly hair wasn't the same, there wasn't that boyish charming lock that always drooped slightly. The lips weren't the ones I onced kissed. It doesn't matter.
"Please!" A strangled, choked voice cries. It comes from me.
"Please!" It comes again.
Suddenly, the sun comes up. I have been sitting there for a while, I guess. The shadows swirl around me, I look at the caked blood on my hands. Tear drops fall off my cheeks, they aren't the sobbing ones. Silent ones. Surrendering ones. Right as I let down my defenses, as the shadows consumed me, as I gave up swimming in the dark pool a stream of light shines through.
"Nat!" A voice calls. Not just any voice.
His voice.
Chapter Six- Torture
One year seems like a long time.
For some, it can be agony.
For others, it can pass in a flash, as if one was just sleeping.
However your view, an entire year passed that Edwin was in a coma.
One full year that his cot was curtained off, that he lay there as if dead.
But now, the curtains parted. A foot stepped out, then a second. Followed by the feet was Edwin himself, yawning as if awakening from a long sleep.
He wandered outside and immediately ran to Nat, eyes wide. "Nat...?"
Nat glanced up at him, mistaking him for a shadow. "Please..." She whispered, then double taked. Her breath stopped. "You're real." She whispered, her hand touched his face. Her tanktop had blood on it, and her shorts were soiled in the dirt, she looked like a mess. The light consumed her, the shadows dissapeared. "Your real." SHe repeated. "Ohmigods." She whispered in disbelief.
"Nat, what happened?" he murmured with a gentle touch to her shoulder.
Nat flinched. When he didn't pass through her, she shuddered with happiness. Then she sobered. "The...the..shadows." She whispered, her eyes were horrified and scared. "They can do horrible things." She breathed.
"Shh, Shh," he murmured, drawing her into an embrace. "Start from the beginning."
Nat stood shakily, wrapping her arms around his neck for support. She leaned against his chest, gulping. "I was haunted, the shadows. They started when you went into coma." She started, her frail and weak body shook slightly. "It killed me, I confined myself. I didn't eat, I didn't deserve to. Not when you didn't get to." She whispered hoarsley. "It was my fault." She added. "I cried, I'd wake up from horrible dreams. They suffocated me.."
"Wait. You did this because of me?"
"Not intentionally. I shut it out, at first. They overpowered me. Nothing helped." Nat said, shaking her head. "You were there. But it wasn't you. Little things were different." She said. "I was lost. Oh Edwin, I forgive you. A million times. More then that, I can't stand to lose you." She choked out, shking her head more.
"Shh, it's alright," he murmured comfortingly, rubbing his hand in small circles on her back.
Nat buried her head in his shoulder, closing her eyes she took him in. Alive. She then became shocked and looked at him, concerned.
He caught her concern. "Yeeeeess?"
"How can you still lo-like me?" She asked hesitantly.
"Because it wasn't your fault in the first place."
Nat started to protest differently.
"Nat, Shh." He placed a finger over her lips. "Don't argue. I've had enough arguing from Cassidy."
Nat frowned but let it drop. "I really hope this is real. You seem real. You smell real. You feel real." Nat whispered, scanning him.
He smirked fondly. "I am, Nat."
Nat's hand moved, she stroked a lock of his hair absent mindedly. She put her hand back on his neck and looked into his eyes, her yes were innocent and confused. "You are?" She asked, She looked like a lost puppy pitiful and confused.
"Yes, of course," he said with a low chuckle, catching her hand in his.
Nat sighed of relief. "So you don't hate me?" She asked.
"Of course not, Nat. It was only a dream. An awful, horrid dream." And Edwin gently pressed his lips to hers. She stood on her toes to reach his lips.
As soon as he did that, the dream began to melt away. Bit by bit, small parts of it dripped away, surrounding the two in a mixtured blob of color before at last that winked out, along with Edwin, returning Nat to her sleep.
Nat awoke begrudgingly, outside of the infirmary. "No!" She yelled hoarsley. "No!" She cried, her voice mangled and distorted from sleep and despair. "Why?!" She cried, looking up at the sky. The shadows seeped from right to left, and she shuddered with pain. He was there, for once. Then he left.She cried out, it was a horrible undescribable noise. Her hands clutched her face, tearing away at the skin. She didn't notice the pain. "Torture." She whispered. "Torture."
Chapter Seven- Recovery?
I make it back to my cabin in a daze. It had been a year, an agonizing year since he left. But why were they getting worse now? I don't know. I hold onto that one moment, when he lips reached mine. It shuns away the shadows like naughty children, but like an unpunishing parent they just come back, tormenting me again. I can't hold onto it forever, and I need to move on.
But these are my thoughts. More easier said than done, though I manage. Dressing from my dirt and blood solied pajamas, I change into jeans and a t-shirt. I pull on a Camp Half-Blood sweatshirt after that, and slip on my converse.
Strangely, the shadows are fading to the background. The words lessen to little more then a hiss of steam. I find my brush where I left it a few days ago and delicately brush the snarls out of my hair. I can feel the exauhstion in my eyes, but I put on a good face. No more acting like a little girl who can't fend for herself.
Sitting down to lace up the my sneakers, I feel the shadows invading my space. "No." The word echoed in my mind. Edwin wouldn't want that. But that didn't stop my emotions. I was scared, close to petrified. I saw what they could do when I go close to him, but I knew what I had to do.
I feel them pushing, and I realize: They feed off of my reaction. They feed off of me being miserable. They're prey of the weak, of the despaired.
Double knotting my right converse, I stood. Pushing on the door hesitantly, I greet the sunshine with relief. The shadows could get to me here, but it'd be pretty hard.
And with that, I set off, possibly to my breakdown.
************************************
Before you say anything, I know what you're thinking. You're sick. Or something along those lines. But most of my stories had that happily ever after feel to them, so I wanted to explore the darker side of my writing. With the faithful help of my RolePlayers in the group Calling All Demigods the plot came together perfectly. I must give credit to Isobel *Godess of Annoyance*, for she was a co-writer and fueled many of my ideas. She also gave me half of the chapter Escape lending me the imaginative Edwin.
No, I don't think you're sick in any shape, way, or form. In fact, half of my own writing ends up in death/suicide/murder/not happy. I pity Nat, mainly because I'm probably the only one here who completely understands the story.
The way the chapters are titled and the overal writing style was perfect. *applauds*
one minor, minor, minor detail: did you intentionally add an extra line in between some of the dialogue in Torture?
That's the way it RolePlayed out, and I just liked the way it looked.
Mod
Edit: Sorry, but i haven't read it yet. I plan to soon, but just don't have enough time.
Answering your first question: It's a camp, that's what I meant by cabin and stuff. It's sort of a fan fiction off of Rick Riordian's Percy Jackson and the Olympians Boxed Set Perscy Jackson, but with different characters and I just used the setting.That's fine. I don't mind, I'm open to feedback.
Chapter One- Haunted
Dear Diary,
I'm going insane. The wait is killing me. I keep replaying the events in my head, I don't deserve to live my life as he has to live his sleeping and unliving. He's not dead, but he's close to it. I'm reassured he'll live, surface conciousness one day but I can't help but torture myself about it. Sometimes I can't help it, they live in my dreams. Those haunting words and memories. They feed off of me, day and night. I can't fuel them so I stopped eating. I know he'll kill me when he wakes up, if I survive 'till then.
I wrap myself in my blankets, blocking the world out. I hate being vulenerable, I grew up so strong and respected. But if there's not world to threaten your strength, can you be vulenerable?
The shadows haunt me, they contain whispers and memories. I often visit memory hall, looking at the hereos. I feel shamed, they gave their life defending the innocent. I give my life hiding from the innocent. But it doesn't matter. When I give in it's horrifying, but it takes away everything else.
Though I still feel responsible for my siblings, they urge me to eat and I brush them off. I'm to deep to resurface, and I my thoughts are dark. If I'm ever exposed to light memories I'm afraid I might shy away in the process.
I sit, huddeled against the wall. I'm sitting on my bunk, trying to confine myself from the world. I set my diary down, it's a foolish thing to keep. The images flash like lightning before my eyes and I shudder, in attempt to get away from them I dress quickly. My siblings watch me, unspoken. It's the most activity I've shown in hours. My apparrel is simple, hoodie and jeans. If someone had told me I'd wear that on a weekday a few weeks ago I would've written them off without a second glance.
He haunts me, that I am greatful for. To see his alive face, with emotion. Even his worst moments, like when he was scaringly calm leaving me at the Grotto are better then when I saw him in his coma.
I trudge to Memory Hall, surprised to make somewhat normal conversation with a boy much older then me. Capture The Flag is coming up and he persuades me to join, it is fun I admit but my heart isn't really in it. I am weak.
Chapter Two- Tears
Dear Diary,
I can hear my sobs, and I can feel the hot tears streak down my cheeks. I can feel the rough, hot throat I bare but it seems like a small sacrifice for what Edwin went through. Now he haunts me more vividly, and I keep seeing the whip marks around his neck. They make me cringe and shudder, and I wish I could rip apart the man or woman who did that to him.
The tears keep coming, and it pains me terribly to think of him. To think of what I did to him. I want to let myself go, someway somehow. Except I don't know how. I'm afraid, afraid of the world. I'm a coward. I took things to far.
I should've forgave him on the spot.
I'd do anything to go back, I'd go back and change my own mind. He told me, I remember clearly. I can quote him:
"So that I can prove to you that I didn't mean it. That it was an accident, and that I still love you-"
He paused there. I hope he wasn't trying to take it back. I really wish. I was confused, why am I always so stupid?
I understand if Edwin doesn't want me back, though it nauseates my stomach every time I see him and Cora kissing in my head. It sends my mind reeling and brings tear drops to my eyes. It pains me to check on him in the Infirmary, and almost always I see Cassidy there.
I sink my nails into the flesh of my palm, when I lift it reveals moon cresents where I had impressioned my nails. The pain doesn't give me anything, and so I don't try to heighten the levels. What can I say? Not the suicidal type?
I stand and walk to the lake, almost like a robot. There's an underwater tavern down there. It's secretive. I let myself go, letting my salt water tears mix with the fresh water lake mix.
Chapter Three- Love
Dear Diary,
I feel like something has died in me. I feel like something grew in me. I feel like something gained knowledge. I feel like something lost gratidue.
I'm blind, and lost. I'm not confused anymore, but it's like I'm swimming in a pit of darkness. When I had first entered it, I wasn't sure if it was bad or good. Now I'm certain it's bad, but I'm lost. I'm waiting for the light.
I'm scared. Terribly. The fear is getting to me, I watch my back for imaginary shadows. They're out to get me. It's consuming me. I need to break free of the fear, but I need help.
My mood is a constant depression, but I feel the stages. I wish I had Edwin here. That summer night, when we laughed about the Vengeurs Bourdon as a silly idea. That night when we both fell on the ground. That night when he had tucked hair out of my face so gently. That night when everything in the world made sense, when I felt like I had opened my eyes for the first time. That night, when he kissed me.
When I had talked to Peter at Memory Hall, he asked me what love was. But now I truly know. It's unimaginable, and extremely hard to explain. When you're with that person, everything's right. Nothing can hurt you, you'd throw yourself in front of them in the face of death. When they brush your hand, the electricity rushes through you. When your eyes shine and you can't stop grinning.
But now I've lost that. Maybe for good. If Edwin doesn't want me, I understand. If his heart is locked...
Then so be it.
Chapter Four- Breakdown
I wake with a start, I sit straight up. What awoke me? I look around, my cabin is sleeping. I mentally frown, I'm covered in sweat and tears. I'm not surprised, I'm usually like this anyway. Reality hits me like a brick, and I shudder violently like someone's shaking me. Suddenly the cabin seems to be closing in on me, like it's going to trap me. The shadows and words squeze in with them, flooding me. I don't yelp, but I start to hyperventalate.
I run. I run fast. In my bunny PJ shorts and tank top. My feet cut into sharp rocks, but I don't care. I don't know where I was going, and suddenly had a sense of de'ja vu'. I remember running from Edwin, when he followed me. He put his arm around me, and I shrugged it off.
I ran blindly, but theese thoughts had startled me. It's like I was in a body, that was controling itself. I skidded to a stop, and collapsed onto the dirt ground. It took me a while to breathe normally, my calves burned and my feet were scraped raw.
I look around at my surroundings, the shadows followed me. I don't care anymore. The moonlight shines, I am outside the infirmary. "Fine!" I yell. "Consume me! I don't care!" I continue. Where are theese words coming from? I don't know.
Tears are in my eyes, and I cry. I cry, and cry, and cry. Who cares if someone finds me? Everyone knows I'm a mess. The shadows swirl around me, hypnotizingly. I cry, and he materializes in front of me. I almost scream. I'm insane. "Nat, please, you're making me crazy." He pleads, concerned for me. I reach out, but my hand passes through him.
"Edwin-" I start in disbelief.
I awoke with a start from that nightmare. Or was it a dream? I don't know. I look around, the cabin doesn't shrink. The shadows are lingering in my preheprial vision, but when ever I try to stare directly at them they dissapear. I breathe a sigh of relief. It's morning.
Suddenly something twists in my stomach, and a knot of darkness curls nauseatingly. I moan, choking on my breath. I cry out mentally, not wanting to scare Maren or Ivan. It creeps to my heart, and a fist of coldness wraps around it. I cry, hot tears. With each warm tear a drop, a drop of warmness escapes my heart. I need to let out the coldness. The darkness. They're linked.
I desperately look around, to find something to help.
My blade shines in the sunlight.
No I think. I can't stoop that low. No I repeat, and I shy away from it.