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Yeah. And the magic story. And the NaNoWriMo one. :D:D:D
Thanks for the wonderful advice. It would be awesome if anyone could give me any feedback on this story I've been writing for a while. I'm not finished with it and I had to cut a lot of the writing because it was longer then the comment box would hold.
The Believer
MARY
I see them again. To scared to look, I turn away. Could they be working against the Capital? No, I can't think like that, I can't think like them. My brain is telling me to stop looking, stop wanting.
But I want, I want. I can't stop the urge that now controls me against my will. Im to close. This is my chance... Will I take it? But my brain gives up trying to convince me I'm wrong and I shout, "Kat! Over here!" She glances at me and probably does not know who I am. I know who she is. Like me she tries to stay hidden, but it doesn't come so easily for her. She is too beautiful, to noticeable. She scowls at me and looks right, then left, probably thinking I blew her cover. Not many times she's caught in the open. But every time she passes, I see her, even when she moves swiftly through the shadows with the the other wild ones. The saviors.
The saviors are a group of rebels who hate the capital. They try to fight back to the Capitals unfair rules in food, warmth, and medicine. But if you're like me, your immune system gets stronger, your stomach gets smaller, and you get used to the cold. But people like Cathrin, my sister, and my mother, are miserable.
Deftly, she disappears from my intelligent eyes. Why am I so caught up in this kind of stuff? Caught up to the point that I want to follow them? Caught up to the point I think I can do something? Caught up to the point that I am actually reconsidering every single thing I did to help the Capital? Then I realize I'm caught up to the point where I can't hear my mother calling for dinner.
My sister sits obediently at the table like always while I am a mess, but I still eat silently, like always. I don't know where my thoughts are now. But then again I feel like I was hallucinating. How in the world could I leave Cathrin? She is the only person that can actually get me to smile. I know I sound selfish, but the only person that actually cares about me is Cathrin. Sure mother gives me what I need to live, but I can't think of one other thing she's done for me. Even when I broke my ankle, she looked at me like the only thing I was is a waste of money and a waste of time. I used to think that if I did more then I did, she might love me, but know that I'm older, I know she will never care.
"Mary," Cathrin says in her small but strong voice, commanding but controlled, "are you alright?"
"I'm fine," I say and leave the dinner table before anyone can stop me. I go strait to my room and go to sleep, willing my brain not to give me another dream. Knowing me, if it's happy, it'll turn bad, and if it's bad...
Who even cares anymore, what more could happen after seventeen years of bad dreams and torture. I try hard to stay awake but my dreariness gets the better of me and I fall asleep. Soon after, my dream starts because apparently my brain doesn't care about my self esteem.
I'm in the alley, the one my mother forbade me to go in. It's dark, probably around midnight. I see Kat and two other people I don't recognize, that are saviors as well. The only way I can tell is the fact they all have a silver symbol, hidden, but not invisible.
"Kat," says a tall girl with wide eyes and deep brown hair, "where are we going?"
"Outside," she says grimly. I think about this for a second, wondering the possibilities of this. I never imagined ever going outside the town of Alysa. Even though we live in a small town, probably 2,000 people tops, there are a lot of people willing to fight back, but I'm not sure if anyone has, they might be the first. Now for some reason, I'm determined to go with them.
If someone ever heard about this, I'm pretty sure that they would laugh, if they even knew me, which may I say, is very unlikely.
"What do you mean outside? We are already outside!" Says a scrawny girl with short brown hair.
"Ally, don't be stupid, she means outside Alysa," the dark haired girl says.
"Alex is right, we need to be serious, okay?" Says Kat. Alex and Ally, I remember, but I'm not sure why. "We're going," she continues, "but we need more recruits." Me, I think. Me, I could be a recruit. No, I will be a recruit. And if I could convince Cathrin to come with me...
It'd be all I want.
If this is real, if this is- if this could be me, I want it. I need it. I'll strive for it.
"Mary! Mary!" Cathrin shakes me awake, "wake up! It's already noon."
I get up and Cathrin goes and helps everyone while I go sit on the steps just as I do every day, watching.
MARY
A dark group appears in the distance. The saviors. I slip inside and say, "Mother, I will be out." I grab some black clothes and rush out behind the oak tree that overlooks the whole town. Once the saviors are close enough, I blend in the back, without one eye following me.
I find Kat, Ally, and Alex standing together. The dream could have been real. I slowly catch up to them. I think I'm getting used to the footing and the swiftness of their feet. Once I get to them, Kat recognizes me automatically but Ally and Alex seem lost. I tell them my dream and that I want to help. They look back at me mystified and tell me that's what happened last night at 12:00. I had this crazy thought that I might be able to see through my dreams, but I decide to think about it later. Suddenly I trip and Jonathan, the leader of the saviors, notices me. The most attractive savior, noticed me. My only talent, wasted. 'What am I supposed to do now?,' I think.
"Hey shadow," he says, "trying to stay hidden? How's that working for you?" he laughs. Who laughs at their own stupidly corny jokes? I think at the same time trying to get away. But in the nick of time, Jonathan grabs the hem of my shirt and pulls me down. Hard. "Kat, Ally, Alex, get the Shadow home so she- it, won't follow us anymore," Jonathan says then looks at me inches away that I can feel his warm breath, "and if I see you again, I swear I will kill you." He laughs again, but I don't move an inch until Kat beckons me away from him.
Once I arrive home I tell them, "I have to go back, I have to prove myself to him, how can I gain his trust?"
"Calm down, he's just not very good with people," says Alex trying to help. It's not working.
"More like organic life forms," mumbles Ally.
"We'll help you," says Kat, "just come back and show him what your worth." And they leave with no explanation.
"Who where they?" Asked Cathrin.
"No one," I say and go to bed, this time actually wanting a dream and it's not what I expected.
I see Kat, Ally, and Alex but it's different this time. This time I'm with them and also with two other people I recognize as Will and Charles, lead by Jonathan. This doesn't make any sense, I can't be with them now, I only see through dreams. I think.
We are standing admiring the edge of Aylsa carefully. Kat is the first to move after what seemed like forever, pushing us forward.
"We have to keep going," says Ally
"We can't stay here to long or the Capital will see us, and that will blow the whole plan up from under our feet," says Alex, and we all silently agree.
As we hurry through the trees, I see the navy suits of armor sparkling in the distance. The followers. The followers are the people who agree with the capital wholeheartedly, so now they are basically their slaves. The only problem is that most of them are experienced fighters. But so are the saviors. Jonathan's plan was to go to the factories first to get some followers suits so we fit in. Everyone agrees, why wouldn't they? He's Jonathan. He's the only leader we have. I feel a pull at my heart because I know that is more then true. Once we get there, we are surprised to see the front doors are unguarded.
We start forward, blending in with the background unnoticed. This feels too weird, to easy. And I'm not the only person that feels this way, I can tell that everyone else feels this way just by looking at their faces.
We rush in and the whole factory is abandoned besides the suits, so we all get our sizes. Then I hear voices outside. I hush everyone else so they can hear. Their getting closer, they will see us. Alex finds the back exit and we clear out.
We go to the main entrance and this one is guarded heavily. We easily pass through with no question. We set up the cameras and explosives all around the Capital. If I was one foot away from the traps and was studying them, I would not of seen them.
Jonathan finds the presidents office. I never knew the Presidents name, but it says 'President Andrew' so I'm guessing it might be Andrew, just a guess.
"Do we just knock?" I say.
With no answer, Kat reaches out to knock the door. At first theirs no answer, then Will knocks on the door and a follower comes out.
"We're in the middle of a meeting, what do you guys want?" Says the follower.
"We need to talk to the president," says Ally
"And it's urgent," says Alex.
"What's so urgent?" Asks the follower
"Also private," says Kat. I really don't know what we are even going to say to the President.
"Mary," says a familiar voice. What? "Mary!" Says the voice again. I open my eyes and see Cathrin, but it's in the middle of the night.
"Cathrin! What the heck?" I whisper.
"You were talking in your sleep, almost all night. I just wanted to ask you what's wrong, and before you say 'nothing,' I know somethings wrong. But you know you can always be honest with me, and I know you haven't been the past few days, and it doesn't feel good,"
she says softly. This surprises me, I haven't been thinking about how she felt, caught up in my own thoughts.
"I'm sorry Cathrin," I start, telling myself that I will be honest with her for now on, "I have something to tell you."I tell her all about me wanting to join the saviors. Needing to join the saviors. Wanting her to come with me, (but it's fine if she didn't want to) and all my dreams.
"Just promise me you won't tell mom, okay?" I say.
"Okay," she says in a small voice, "just remember, push past your fears because you can't run away from them." After that we both go to bed, this time dreamless.
KAT
I'm officially freaked out.
Now I feel like everybody can see me, and that's not the feeling you want to have when all your time is basically put into blending in with the shadows. Ever since Mary, everything's been different. And I don't know if it's a bad different, or a good different. I feel so odd knowing that Mary saw me at 12:00 last night. What is she seeing NOW? I can't get myself to forget this no matter how hard I try. I feel watched. What about all the times I wake up screaming on the streets? My family all passed away and not one of the other saviors have a home either.
I don't know why this got to me, and suddenly, I think of every other time something private happened. Then I force myself to go to sleep.
THANKYOU so much for reading this, I really appreciate it, any advice would help. :)
The Believer
MARY
I see them again. To scared to look, I turn away. Could they be working against the Capital? No, I can't think like that, I can't think like them. My brain is telling me to stop looking, stop wanting.
But I want, I want. I can't stop the urge that now controls me against my will. Im to close. This is my chance... Will I take it? But my brain gives up trying to convince me I'm wrong and I shout, "Kat! Over here!" She glances at me and probably does not know who I am. I know who she is. Like me she tries to stay hidden, but it doesn't come so easily for her. She is too beautiful, to noticeable. She scowls at me and looks right, then left, probably thinking I blew her cover. Not many times she's caught in the open. But every time she passes, I see her, even when she moves swiftly through the shadows with the the other wild ones. The saviors.
The saviors are a group of rebels who hate the capital. They try to fight back to the Capitals unfair rules in food, warmth, and medicine. But if you're like me, your immune system gets stronger, your stomach gets smaller, and you get used to the cold. But people like Cathrin, my sister, and my mother, are miserable.
Deftly, she disappears from my intelligent eyes. Why am I so caught up in this kind of stuff? Caught up to the point that I want to follow them? Caught up to the point I think I can do something? Caught up to the point that I am actually reconsidering every single thing I did to help the Capital? Then I realize I'm caught up to the point where I can't hear my mother calling for dinner.
My sister sits obediently at the table like always while I am a mess, but I still eat silently, like always. I don't know where my thoughts are now. But then again I feel like I was hallucinating. How in the world could I leave Cathrin? She is the only person that can actually get me to smile. I know I sound selfish, but the only person that actually cares about me is Cathrin. Sure mother gives me what I need to live, but I can't think of one other thing she's done for me. Even when I broke my ankle, she looked at me like the only thing I was is a waste of money and a waste of time. I used to think that if I did more then I did, she might love me, but know that I'm older, I know she will never care.
"Mary," Cathrin says in her small but strong voice, commanding but controlled, "are you alright?"
"I'm fine," I say and leave the dinner table before anyone can stop me. I go strait to my room and go to sleep, willing my brain not to give me another dream. Knowing me, if it's happy, it'll turn bad, and if it's bad...
Who even cares anymore, what more could happen after seventeen years of bad dreams and torture. I try hard to stay awake but my dreariness gets the better of me and I fall asleep. Soon after, my dream starts because apparently my brain doesn't care about my self esteem.
I'm in the alley, the one my mother forbade me to go in. It's dark, probably around midnight. I see Kat and two other people I don't recognize, that are saviors as well. The only way I can tell is the fact they all have a silver symbol, hidden, but not invisible.
"Kat," says a tall girl with wide eyes and deep brown hair, "where are we going?"
"Outside," she says grimly. I think about this for a second, wondering the possibilities of this. I never imagined ever going outside the town of Alysa. Even though we live in a small town, probably 2,000 people tops, there are a lot of people willing to fight back, but I'm not sure if anyone has, they might be the first. Now for some reason, I'm determined to go with them.
If someone ever heard about this, I'm pretty sure that they would laugh, if they even knew me, which may I say, is very unlikely.
"What do you mean outside? We are already outside!" Says a scrawny girl with short brown hair.
"Ally, don't be stupid, she means outside Alysa," the dark haired girl says.
"Alex is right, we need to be serious, okay?" Says Kat. Alex and Ally, I remember, but I'm not sure why. "We're going," she continues, "but we need more recruits." Me, I think. Me, I could be a recruit. No, I will be a recruit. And if I could convince Cathrin to come with me...
It'd be all I want.
If this is real, if this is- if this could be me, I want it. I need it. I'll strive for it.
"Mary! Mary!" Cathrin shakes me awake, "wake up! It's already noon."
I get up and Cathrin goes and helps everyone while I go sit on the steps just as I do every day, watching.
MARY
A dark group appears in the distance. The saviors. I slip inside and say, "Mother, I will be out." I grab some black clothes and rush out behind the oak tree that overlooks the whole town. Once the saviors are close enough, I blend in the back, without one eye following me.
I find Kat, Ally, and Alex standing together. The dream could have been real. I slowly catch up to them. I think I'm getting used to the footing and the swiftness of their feet. Once I get to them, Kat recognizes me automatically but Ally and Alex seem lost. I tell them my dream and that I want to help. They look back at me mystified and tell me that's what happened last night at 12:00. I had this crazy thought that I might be able to see through my dreams, but I decide to think about it later. Suddenly I trip and Jonathan, the leader of the saviors, notices me. The most attractive savior, noticed me. My only talent, wasted. 'What am I supposed to do now?,' I think.
"Hey shadow," he says, "trying to stay hidden? How's that working for you?" he laughs. Who laughs at their own stupidly corny jokes? I think at the same time trying to get away. But in the nick of time, Jonathan grabs the hem of my shirt and pulls me down. Hard. "Kat, Ally, Alex, get the Shadow home so she- it, won't follow us anymore," Jonathan says then looks at me inches away that I can feel his warm breath, "and if I see you again, I swear I will kill you." He laughs again, but I don't move an inch until Kat beckons me away from him.
Once I arrive home I tell them, "I have to go back, I have to prove myself to him, how can I gain his trust?"
"Calm down, he's just not very good with people," says Alex trying to help. It's not working.
"More like organic life forms," mumbles Ally.
"We'll help you," says Kat, "just come back and show him what your worth." And they leave with no explanation.
"Who where they?" Asked Cathrin.
"No one," I say and go to bed, this time actually wanting a dream and it's not what I expected.
I see Kat, Ally, and Alex but it's different this time. This time I'm with them and also with two other people I recognize as Will and Charles, lead by Jonathan. This doesn't make any sense, I can't be with them now, I only see through dreams. I think.
We are standing admiring the edge of Aylsa carefully. Kat is the first to move after what seemed like forever, pushing us forward.
"We have to keep going," says Ally
"We can't stay here to long or the Capital will see us, and that will blow the whole plan up from under our feet," says Alex, and we all silently agree.
As we hurry through the trees, I see the navy suits of armor sparkling in the distance. The followers. The followers are the people who agree with the capital wholeheartedly, so now they are basically their slaves. The only problem is that most of them are experienced fighters. But so are the saviors. Jonathan's plan was to go to the factories first to get some followers suits so we fit in. Everyone agrees, why wouldn't they? He's Jonathan. He's the only leader we have. I feel a pull at my heart because I know that is more then true. Once we get there, we are surprised to see the front doors are unguarded.
We start forward, blending in with the background unnoticed. This feels too weird, to easy. And I'm not the only person that feels this way, I can tell that everyone else feels this way just by looking at their faces.
We rush in and the whole factory is abandoned besides the suits, so we all get our sizes. Then I hear voices outside. I hush everyone else so they can hear. Their getting closer, they will see us. Alex finds the back exit and we clear out.
We go to the main entrance and this one is guarded heavily. We easily pass through with no question. We set up the cameras and explosives all around the Capital. If I was one foot away from the traps and was studying them, I would not of seen them.
Jonathan finds the presidents office. I never knew the Presidents name, but it says 'President Andrew' so I'm guessing it might be Andrew, just a guess.
"Do we just knock?" I say.
With no answer, Kat reaches out to knock the door. At first theirs no answer, then Will knocks on the door and a follower comes out.
"We're in the middle of a meeting, what do you guys want?" Says the follower.
"We need to talk to the president," says Ally
"And it's urgent," says Alex.
"What's so urgent?" Asks the follower
"Also private," says Kat. I really don't know what we are even going to say to the President.
"Mary," says a familiar voice. What? "Mary!" Says the voice again. I open my eyes and see Cathrin, but it's in the middle of the night.
"Cathrin! What the heck?" I whisper.
"You were talking in your sleep, almost all night. I just wanted to ask you what's wrong, and before you say 'nothing,' I know somethings wrong. But you know you can always be honest with me, and I know you haven't been the past few days, and it doesn't feel good,"
she says softly. This surprises me, I haven't been thinking about how she felt, caught up in my own thoughts.
"I'm sorry Cathrin," I start, telling myself that I will be honest with her for now on, "I have something to tell you."I tell her all about me wanting to join the saviors. Needing to join the saviors. Wanting her to come with me, (but it's fine if she didn't want to) and all my dreams.
"Just promise me you won't tell mom, okay?" I say.
"Okay," she says in a small voice, "just remember, push past your fears because you can't run away from them." After that we both go to bed, this time dreamless.
KAT
I'm officially freaked out.
Now I feel like everybody can see me, and that's not the feeling you want to have when all your time is basically put into blending in with the shadows. Ever since Mary, everything's been different. And I don't know if it's a bad different, or a good different. I feel so odd knowing that Mary saw me at 12:00 last night. What is she seeing NOW? I can't get myself to forget this no matter how hard I try. I feel watched. What about all the times I wake up screaming on the streets? My family all passed away and not one of the other saviors have a home either.
I don't know why this got to me, and suddenly, I think of every other time something private happened. Then I force myself to go to sleep.
THANKYOU so much for reading this, I really appreciate it, any advice would help. :)
Mod
Tips on Fantasy
1. Build your world. If you're working with the fantasy genre, chances are you're in another world or a slight variation on modern day Earth; either way, you'll have to do something to build it. What makes it fantasy? What is the difference between your world and ours?
Build your world with careful attention to detail. Some of the most important things are the class system, the way gender is treated, and the religions throughout the world. You shouldn't get lost in the details and never get to writing, but the more you've worked out, the less you have to worry about it sounding cliche or inconsistent.
2. Don't make your characters all powerful. Give your characters weaknesses; weaknesses in not only their physical reality but in their mind and characteristics as well. Make them bad at something, make them underestimate people on a regular basis. Make them something other than immortal and all powerful, and your story will be more interesting.
Another part of this is making them not the special ultimate prophecy child. Giving them a role in your story without having everyone bow to them because of some prophecy. Of course, a prophecy can be involved; but it should be handled carefully. It's like playing with fire. And it shouldn't mean that everyone just falls at your character's feet. Give them more opportunity for real conflict and you break a lot of the monotony that exists in current fantasy novels.
3. Give your villains minds of their own. Build up the character of your villain in your mind. Give them a past, a future, friends, family, loved ones. Give them a reason to be 'evil', to be against the hero. Give them motivation, proper motivation that isn't 'just because'.
Give your villains reasons to exist other than to be pitted against your heroes. Show them as real people with minds and hearts and you'll be amazed how much better the story turns out.
4. Make the religions varied. Most fantasy books have religions which are either largely Christian based or largely Wiccan based. Make something different, something new, with multiple Gods with complicated relationships. Try following a truly varied model, with great differences and some tense battles between Gods. Or make the Gods actually distant, without your character being a Chosen One.
Avoid the 'earthy mother Goddess' and the 'Evil Tyrant God' and you give yourself more realism. Study a variety of old religions and use material from those to create your own.
5. Make predictions sparse. The stories about the psychics with nightmares that are really predictions are old. It's frustrating when a scene is written twice because oh, it was predicted before it happened. It's frustrating when we already know what's going to happen and the usual idea is that there's absolutely no way for the prediction to be wrong.
Predictions can be used, though preferrably in extremely limited qualities. It would also be interesting to read a story in which someone who has these nightmare predictions is seeing things that are actually preventable, or unpredictable nightmares which sometimes turn out to be predictions and other times red herrings. An undependable Gift of sorts. Using fewer of these gives your story less of the suspense-killing cliche.
6. Use unusual creatures. Use creatures which are from actual mythology but which are rarely used. Study ancient mythologies and mix and match, having creatures from different mythologies, including those which are rarely referred to by popular fantasies. If you base a lot of your fantasy creatures off of lesser known mythologies it will give a sense of uniqueness, and those who are familiar with that mythology will appreciate your book or story more.
7. Study great fantasy. Read in your genre. Read to see what is done often and how it is done. Read to learn tricks from other writers, to pick up what works and what doesn't. See how the best fantasy challenges the worst fantasy. Read about writing, especially articles or books by your favorite authors.
Critique fantasy. Take apart chapters and look at the mechanics. By knowing the components of a fantasy novel that make it great, and studying these deeply, you become more immune to falling into the trap of cliches.
8. Practice. The more you write, the better you get; the more practice you get. With more practice you learn how to phrase things, how to create full characters with real flaws and real talents. You learn what you can do well and what you need to learn more about. You can use this to expand your horizons.
Experiment with different things. Dabble in the different subgenres. Write pages of description followed by pages of fight scenes, pages of dialogue. See where your strongest talent in writing lies, and see where you need improvement. Strive to improve. Take a class if you want. Never stop attempting to better yourself.
9. Take Feedback. Accept feedback. This is important no matter what genre you write in, but can be especially useful in fantasy. If you find yourself a good critique group, you will often find the members willing and able to point out where you step into the danger of becoming cliche. See what you find useful and discard what you don't, but give all comments equal chance.
Thicken your skin against the harsh feedback of others and turn their words into sound advice. Take their negative comments as a learning experience as well as their positive ones.
10. Be yourself. Don't try to write like your favorite fantasy author. As much as you may love them, you are not them; accept this and allow your own voice and ideas to show through. Don't try to use something if you don't think you can, or if you don't love it. If you're doing it to be like another writer for any reason whatsoever, stop now and find something else, something you genuinely love and want to create.