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Mish
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Jun 17, 2011 04:01AM
These jokes are hilarious. Thanks Carmel & Michael I had a good laugh today reading them at work :)
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The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
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"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
hahahaha :) I have a few good ones, but I need to find them first. We told them in STEP class last year. Each person had to learn and tell 2 jokes for the class in order to boost confidence and whatnot. I'll be a moment or two... If not, you'll have to wait for next week!
A blonde met her friend in a cafe after work. As they drank their coffees, the 7PM news came on. There was a story of a man threatening to jump off a tall building. The blonde's friend turns to her and says: "I bet $60 he jumps."
The blonde says: "Okay. Its a deal. He's not going to jump..."
A few seconds later, the man jumps.
The blonde was very upset, but handed over the money to her friend.
The friend shook her head and said: "No. I cant accept your money."
The blonde asked why not.
"Because," started the friend "I saw the same story earlier on the 5PM news.
The blonde nodded: "Well duh! I did too! I didnt think he would be stupid enough to jump again!"
:)
RABBITS REVENGE (An old, old joke put into rhyme)
Awaiting an extraction of a tooth beyond repair
The aging rabbit trapper in the dental surgeon’s chair,
So calmly! sat in silence with no sign of nerve, nor fear,
For many years had long since gone, that from pain, he’d shed a tear!
The dentist said, “let’s have a look, now open up yer’ gob”
Then “strewth! Oh! Gawd! Me man! This ain’t no ordinary job!”
There greeting him a grotesque sight, not covered in the book
Of dental training, that he knew, that showed a tooth so crook!
There broken in an abscessed gum of colour greenish black
In swollen pools of oozing puss, the tooth! was at the back,
“To operate on this!” he said, “we will anaesthetise!”
But of his view the rabbit trapper, did not sympathise!
“I’ve only ever felt pain,” he said, “twice in all my life!”
“So rip it out, don’t hold back, just get workin’ with yer’ knife!”
The dentist unimpressed replied, “at least you’ll have a local!”
To which the patient then refused, (in tone a little vocal!)
The dental man didn’t argue, with a mind so resolute!
Just thought, okay! you’ll suffer now, you stupid old galoot!
And so his operating skills, were tested to the max’!
He cut and pulled and yanked and hacked, did all but use an axe!
Resulting in a bloodied pulp, that no way could he prise,
And calmly sat the trapper, who didn’t even bat his eyes!
So on and on the battle raged, he thought it near insane
That any mortal person, could endure so much pain!
‘Til finally the dentist, in a near exhausted state
Produced a pair of multi-grips to settle this debate!
With knee upon the trappers chest and one almighty wrench!
Away then came the evil tooth, and what! a putrid stench!
An awful, bloodied messy thing with roots a sickly dark
That more so than a tooth, resembled a stump of ironbark!
The trapper rinsed and spat then said, “how much now? what’s the sting?”
The dentist still in shock replied, “I’ll not charge you a thing,
Just tell me now of those two times that you, experienced pain?
For how, one could stand such affliction, I must ascertain,”
The old man thought, then quietly said, “it goes back many years,”
And just the thought, of that day, glazed his eyes with moistened tears.
“’Twas late one day, out checkin’ traps, and it was gettin’ dark,
I’d set two traps so very close, and one! forgot to mark,
The one I knew, I’d camouflaged, by using dirt for cover
And when inspecting closely, I squatted! on the other!
The dusk had caused poor vision, I’d forgot my spectacles,
And from my baggy tattered shorts, there dropped! my testicles!”
“ I heard the snap! and felt the pain! as in one blinding flash!
Excruciating! Agonising! Evil sounding crash!”
The dentist in amazement, listened, as if to a crime,
With his legs crossed and teeth clenched asked, “when was the second time?”
The trapper said, “the second time,” with tears he couldn’t retain,
“The second time was when! That …Bloody trap ran out of Chain!”
© Ron Boughton 2008.
Awaiting an extraction of a tooth beyond repair
The aging rabbit trapper in the dental surgeon’s chair,
So calmly! sat in silence with no sign of nerve, nor fear,
For many years had long since gone, that from pain, he’d shed a tear!
The dentist said, “let’s have a look, now open up yer’ gob”
Then “strewth! Oh! Gawd! Me man! This ain’t no ordinary job!”
There greeting him a grotesque sight, not covered in the book
Of dental training, that he knew, that showed a tooth so crook!
There broken in an abscessed gum of colour greenish black
In swollen pools of oozing puss, the tooth! was at the back,
“To operate on this!” he said, “we will anaesthetise!”
But of his view the rabbit trapper, did not sympathise!
“I’ve only ever felt pain,” he said, “twice in all my life!”
“So rip it out, don’t hold back, just get workin’ with yer’ knife!”
The dentist unimpressed replied, “at least you’ll have a local!”
To which the patient then refused, (in tone a little vocal!)
The dental man didn’t argue, with a mind so resolute!
Just thought, okay! you’ll suffer now, you stupid old galoot!
And so his operating skills, were tested to the max’!
He cut and pulled and yanked and hacked, did all but use an axe!
Resulting in a bloodied pulp, that no way could he prise,
And calmly sat the trapper, who didn’t even bat his eyes!
So on and on the battle raged, he thought it near insane
That any mortal person, could endure so much pain!
‘Til finally the dentist, in a near exhausted state
Produced a pair of multi-grips to settle this debate!
With knee upon the trappers chest and one almighty wrench!
Away then came the evil tooth, and what! a putrid stench!
An awful, bloodied messy thing with roots a sickly dark
That more so than a tooth, resembled a stump of ironbark!
The trapper rinsed and spat then said, “how much now? what’s the sting?”
The dentist still in shock replied, “I’ll not charge you a thing,
Just tell me now of those two times that you, experienced pain?
For how, one could stand such affliction, I must ascertain,”
The old man thought, then quietly said, “it goes back many years,”
And just the thought, of that day, glazed his eyes with moistened tears.
“’Twas late one day, out checkin’ traps, and it was gettin’ dark,
I’d set two traps so very close, and one! forgot to mark,
The one I knew, I’d camouflaged, by using dirt for cover
And when inspecting closely, I squatted! on the other!
The dusk had caused poor vision, I’d forgot my spectacles,
And from my baggy tattered shorts, there dropped! my testicles!”
“ I heard the snap! and felt the pain! as in one blinding flash!
Excruciating! Agonising! Evil sounding crash!”
The dentist in amazement, listened, as if to a crime,
With his legs crossed and teeth clenched asked, “when was the second time?”
The trapper said, “the second time,” with tears he couldn’t retain,
“The second time was when! That …Bloody trap ran out of Chain!”
© Ron Boughton 2008.
3 men get lost on a desert island. After wandering around a while, they are found by a remote tribe. The natives take them back to their hut. The chief tells them, "Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit."The first guy returns with 10 apples, and the chief says "Now insert those up your bum without showing any emotion, or we'll kill you."
He shoves the the first up, and is in terrible pain, but shows no emotion, but during the process of pushing up the second, he flinches, and therefore gets speared to death.
The second guy comes back with 10 cherries, and gets told to do the same.
He's doing fine, and as he is about to put the 10th one in, he bursts out in hysterical laughter and is instantly killed.
He meets up with the first guy in heaven, and the first guy asks, "Why did you laugh? One more cherry and you would still be alive!" and the second guy replies,
"Well I nearly finished when I saw the next guy walking up with pineapples!"
:D
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Ahh!! Take it easy then:)
Any "naughtiness" is in your own mind...A young teacher is called to the headmaster's office. Headmaster tells him, "We're starting adult night classes and I expect everyone to take a subject. I've assigned you sex education."
"My wife won't like that. We haven't been married very long."
"Well, tell her you're taking some other subject."
Teacher goes home and tells his wife, "I've been assigned to teach sailing at the new night classes."
"Sailing? But you haven't been out on a boat very often. How will you do it?"
"Oh, I'll just look it up on the Internet. I'll manage."
A few weeks later the wife decides to meet hubby after the night class to drive him home. Waiting outside, she sees a woman she knows come out the shcool gate.
"Hello, dear!" says the woman. "Your husband is so good at teaching this course. He must be an expert," she adds with a smile.
"Well, I don't know how," says the bewildered little wife. "He only tried it twice. The first time he got so sick he leaned over the side and brought up his dinner. The second time his hat blew off."
Monya (aka Mary) :D
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A young teacher is called to the headmaster's office. Headmaster tells him, "We're starting adult night classes and I expect everyone to take a subject. I'..."
Hilarious Monya!!!! Hahahaha!!
Fellow Friday Funny Folks - I read that joke many many years ago in the Reader's Digest. Then in the mid nineties I saw it repeated by Shane Bourne on the joke segment of "Hey Hey It's Saturday" that he used to share with the late Maurie Fields.I was really (how do I say p**sed off without getting censored?) upset when the person who sent it in won first prize - a dishwasher! It's an unfair world.
Monya (aka Mary)
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Oh that sure isn't fair Monya! What a great prize for a joke!!! They were sure laughing!!!
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Monya I loved that joke! And I like that last one too Michael :)
It was the day before Charlie's wedding anniversary. His wife said to him: "Charlie, when I wake up tomorrow morning, I want to go into the driveway and see something shinny and red that will go zero-200 in two seconds, okay?" Charlie nodded.
His wife woke up the next morning, and went to the driveway. All she could see was a set of shinny, red scales.
Charlie had not been seen since...
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I got the last question wrong, and was immediately asked to leave.The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair????"
Ap..."
Hahahaha!!!!
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I got the last question wrong, and was immediately asked to leave.The question was: "Where do women h..."
Hahahahaha!!!!! Poor thing:D
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Oh Michael.... I think you've booked yourself a yearly stay in The Naughty Corner.
Welcome back Michael, I have a beer for you
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What!?!?! Thats not a dirty joke Michael :O
Ive heard that before :P We had to tell jokes as part of STEP class last year in order to boost self-confidence etc etc... One of the boys in my class told that. In front of the teacher.
Actually Michael, there was a second joke that boy told, which had the class/teacher laughing for ages. It was pretty dirty...I'll see if I can find it for you.
WARNING: its dirty. A boy in my year 9 STEP class told this as part of our jokes day. He didnt even get in trouble:
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet canary dead in its cage. It was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said: "Dad our canary's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking up in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the canary straight up to Heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling and crying. "Dad, Dad, Mom almost died today!"
"What do you mean?" asked Dad.
"Well, I got home from school and went up to your bedroom, and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "oh God I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for the plumber holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
XD
;) Should have seen the teachers reaction to that. Ive never seem someone's mouth open so wide. Or laugh so hard, either.
Carmel wrote: "(A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!.....
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen And I can't get up!... "
hahaha :)
hahaha good ones carmel...I like the bra jokes lol
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I Love them! I love the dying in their sleep one and the picture taking one...as well as the one you Favorited
i got busted laughing at your joke michael... i'm at work...whoopsie!!!
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Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike.
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Ooooh..Adele...I forgot which thread we were in for a minute..was really imagining you telling the cops to 'bugger off'... lol
Very funny!!!
Aussie Readers
Books mentioned in this topic
Cocasseries d'auteurs (other topics)The Long Walk (other topics)
The Long Walk (other topics)
Slinky Malinki (other topics)
Slinky Malinki (other topics)
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Authors mentioned in this topic
Théophile Gautier (other topics)Richard Bachman (other topics)
Richard Bachman (other topics)
Lynley Dodd (other topics)
Lynley Dodd (other topics)
