We Love Lisa Kleypas discussion

I need advice from y'all. I'm 19 and you guys know that it's a right age to read some more mature genres right? But my mom is a certified conservative and would freak out when she sees that I'm buying books with covers that *wink, wink*, you know. What do I have to do? Make her understand that I'm already a grown woman or *giggles* cover the book cover?

The right thing to do is to talk to your Mom and even if she freaks out, at least it wouldn't be a surprise if she sees you're reading some racy stuff. However, I know that's easier said than done - I had some issues with my Mom that it took me until I was in my late 20s to talk to her.

However, you know her so what's your feeling? Will she freak out but understand? Or will there be endless fights about this?

I don't recall ever talking to my Mom about this stuff but I think she got use to it because she saw that I wasn't giving it up. But you know your Mom so you have to figure out if she is one of those people to come straight out and talk to.

Yeah but even I don't understand her at times. One thing she's super cool and the next thing she's totally covering my eyes for there's a kissing scene in one of the shows on television! And I'm already nineteen! What am I suppose to assume from that? Maybe she's scared that I might get a lot of ideas from what I read and do stuff that aren't appropriate. But I have proven myself my whole life and still she doesn't trust me. Oh, dear... and I have like Lisa Kleypases and Lorraine Heath's on my bookshelf... which she doesn't know.

kindle

and seriously- you're still at home at 19?

Mshj wrote:"and seriously- you're still at home at 19?"

Really??? My daughter is going to be 21 and she's still at home. She's going to college full time, and I'm glad to be able to give her room and board so she can devote her time to her education.

Hanie - if you're living at home, then MY opinion is that you need to honor the rules of the house. Talk to your mom, tell her how you feel, and if you can't agree with her, then it's time to get your own place. That's what I tell my daughter. The benefit of living away from home is doing things the way you want to do them, but I am a firm believer that you need to follow your parents rules if you're living in their home, no matter your age.

Mshj...she is only 19 and it is okay that she lives at home. I happen to agree with Dhestiny. Listen, you live at home then you have live by the parents rules. Bottom line.

Samantha wrote: "Mshj...she is only 19 and it is okay that she lives at home. I happen to agree with Dhestiny. Listen, you live at home then you have live by the parents rules. Bottom line."

I'm pretty sure this is why I went away to university at 18 (where I was pretty rule abiding). As for living by the house rules- there is a possibility that if the rules are restrictive they push you away. I would suggest that at 19 (which after all is an adult in all legal senses) a balance is appropriate- respect for the parents but a right to your own life.

Mshj wrote: "I would suggest that at 19 (which after all is an adult in all legal senses) a balance is appropriate- "

I agree with that, that the parent should be able to be flexible on some accounts, but if certain things can't be compromised on, the child, no matter how old, needs to abide the rules or move out.

as for the practical stuff don't giggle and buy the books but keep them in your room and let your mum know that you won't leave stuff she doesn't like lying around the house but your room is your room

I'm pretty sure I borrowed romance reads from my mum at your age (and we had a very difficult relationship) but we were both more into Georgette Heyer at the time.

I think the mom should be able to agree to keeping things in the Hanie's own room, but in the event she's not ok with that either, then the rules are the rules and I can't condone hiding things in order to break the rules.

UniquelyMoi *~*Dhestiny*~* wrote: "I think the mom should be able to agree to keeping things in the Hanie's own room, but in the event she's not ok with that either, then the rules are the rules and I can't condone hiding things in ..."

I was thinking more privacy for all concerned rather than hiding- and there is a difference between widely available books and illegal drugs. I don't watch TV myself but I don't ban my kids although I do roll my eyes sometimes.

My husband doesn't like a lot of my reading matter and tries to control things sometimes. Me no like (I ignore him!).

I'm speaking as a parent, Mshj. Bottom line - my house, my rules. I'm pretty flexible, but if there's something I wouldn't allow, I'd expect the rules to be followed. When I was living at home, going to school and rent free, I followed the rules out of respect and appreciation, even though I disagreed with some of them.

Ha ha, Hanie! You asked for opinions, and you got them! LOL!

Something to keep in mind is that with each successive generations, what is tolerable and/or acceptable changes.

When I was 18 I told my dad that something at school got all screwed up, and I got my face slapped for using the word "screwed" because in my dad's generation it meant "f***ed." I remember when my 17 year old daughter said something was "crappy" and I about lost it because in MY generation, that was the same as saying "shit."

What I can promise you, Hanie, is that your mom has some reason for feeling the way she does, and when you have kids I swear to you that they'll come home wanting to do something that YOU are not comfortable with. If it's your house, you get to decide whether or not to allow it. But since you're living with your mom, she gets to call the shots.

Again, one of the upsides to moving out is getting to call your own shots.

You got some advice, Hanie. That's for sure. LOL

The funny thing in my situation was that everyone else disapproved of my regular romance-reading except for my mum! Started on them since my high school days and in a society that does not put much stock in reading anything other than school books (and books with even remotely sexy-looking covers are frowned upon), my mum practically defied all cultural and societal rules to encourage this hobby. And I think part of the reason why she does this is not only to cultivate a reading habit but also to allow me freedom to explore in a way that's still safe. It IS only reading.... (I, on the other hand, return the favour by recommending good ones and encourage my mum to read them now that she's retired!).

But I can understand the view of other parents who think romance novels are too mature for their daughters. It may be the fear of contemplating what your daughters would do with the knowledge they get from these books.

Guess there is no right or wrong answer. You might as well go ahead and buy them and when your mum discovers them later, you'll get your answer.

Thank you, you were all right! My friends had tried to encourage me to make my mom hear me out even if she turns a deaf ear to my explanations on how I'm now a mature adult. From a parent's point of view, I do follow her house rules and I respect her putting her heart in the right place. Moving out will only kill my mum, I swear. She's *that* protective. I do believe that experience is the best teacher but she taught me well! I should be fine to learn from my mistakes and live my life the way I want it. Thanks again, you guys! And to the mothers, I really, really appreciate your incite on this for it's my mum we're talking about. :)

hopefully insight, not incite!!

You're welcome, Hanie. The bottom line is that you have to do what works for you and your mom. Then someday you'll be able to look back at your own teen years when your kids are coming to you with the same kinds of issues and maybe from experience you'll know how to handle them best.

I'm a lot older than you Hanie, and recently just moved back in with my parents till I get back on my feet and my mom, no kidding, not to long ago was like.. "you know, you really shouldn't read those books" I said really?? Cause I watch these books on tv and in the theater and you don't say anything then. She didn't have a reply for that.

I agree that you should follow the rules of the house you're living in. But it doesn't exactly sound like thats a rule...yet. Just cover the books, don't make it an issue. You're old enough to choose your own reading material. If it becomes an issue have a conversation with her about it.

I'm a firm believer in don't ask...

I don't know how it is in the Philippines where Hanie lives, but a Dominican single woman is not expected to move out of her parents house until she marries. I moved out but mostly because my parents lived in a different town from where I went to school (and then they came to live in the US while I stayed in the DR) but if we lived in the same town, I would have stayed home with them. I just wanted to point it out so you know that moving out sometimes it's not even an option for most single women in poor countries. :)

Taking into account that most women don't have the option of moving out, I would never tell her that if she disagrees with her parents about a thing like romance novels her only option is to follow them implicitly because if she does, they will control her life and decide who she should date, who are her friends, what she should should study and so on. If her parents decide that she should be a teacher but she wants to be a doctor, should she forget her dream because her parents are paying for her education? Or should she try to confront them and explain her point of view? Obviously there are things that your parents won't budge (like doing drugs, sleeping around, etc.) and those things should be respected but at some point, every woman should fight for what she wants and learn how to confront their parents even if she continues living with them afterwards.

And in some countries disrespecting your parents or disregarding their rules will get you tossed out on your ear, too.

Hear, hear~

Hanie, I understand the age of majority in the Philippines is 18 and, as you are 19, you are officially an adult and IMO entitled to your own individuality and thought. I appreciate that you are still living at home and need to show respect for your mother but I think your mother should also show respect for you. My son can't afford to get a place of his own and we always respect his privacy and I would never dictate to him what he should read or watch. Since he was 18, we have always treated him as a mature adult who is intelligent enough to make his own decisions.

You seem to read a wide range of books, not just romance, so maybe you could point this out to your mother.

I say get a kindle then she won't know what you are reading...thats the easiest route! And I'm all for avoiding confrontation and taking the easy way out! Hahahaha

I lived at home until I was 21....but started working(doing hair) the week after high school grad. My mom would have let me stay there forever if I had wanted too. Shit, I have never even moved off the street I grew up on, and mom still lives across from me. It's good to be close.

I'm not suggesting that parents shouldn't be flexible. Quite the contrary. To be a good parent you need to have an open mind. I'm talking about when compromise isn't possible, I firmly believe that you need to follow the wishes and rules of the person whose home you're living in.

UniquelyMoi *~*Dhestiny*~* wrote: "And in some countries disrespecting your parents or disregarding their rules will get you tossed out on your ear, too."

Depends on the country and the offense. Obviously reading material doesn't compete with getting pregnant out of wedlock (which is a getting-tossed-out-of-the-house-offense in the DR.)

In a ideal world, we would all comply with the rules of whomever is paying for our room and board but the world is not ideal and in the case of poor women in Third World Countries, the best choice is to fight for what you believe in, even if you disagree with your parents. If women wouldn't fight for what they believed in, we would still be treated like a second class citizens and not allowed to vote! I'm sure plenty of parents disagreed with the first suffragettes when they started marching for women's rights. Where would we be if those women would have said...oh sorry Dad! I won't go the rallies anymore because you don't want me to!

It's very foreign for women from developed countries to understand what it is to grow up in a society where you don't have any options except getting married and having children. Where if you share any opinions, you are considered unfeminine, willful and problematic. Where if you disagree with your parents, your elders or society, you are supposed to shut up and just take it because they support you.

Am I advocating that everybody rebel against their parents just because? Of course not. But if you feel strongly about something, you must fight for what you believe in, even if you are living with your parents. Now, you must be ready to pay for the consequences of those beliefs by however means you parents deem necessary. Most parents wouldn't throw their kids out of the house because they don't agree with their reading material but they may fight with you more or if they may stop giving you the money to buy those books or they may decide you will have to do double the chores around the house. Your life will become more difficult and that's why you must decide what it's more important for you...to fight for what you believe and suffer the consequences or be forever a child who doesn't have the gumption to stand up for yourself.

I understand what you're saying, DG, I truly do, but I respectfully disagree.

If you're doing something that your parent doesn't want you to do and that parent doesn't kick you out then in a sense, the parent has compromised and it's a don't ask/don't tell situation.

BUT, I just can't say to anyone that they should fight their parents when they're living in that parent's house because if they did, then DID get kicked out, I'd feel somehow responsible. Regardless of what country they live in.

I'm giving my honest opinion to another adult (who asked for advice) and I clearly mentioned that whatever path she takes, she must consider the consequences of her actions. If we were talking to a 12-year old, obviously I'd say something different but I trust that a 19-year old knows herself, her mother and her situation well enough to decide whether my advice has any merit and take it for what is worth.

And Hanie's dilemma is one of the easier ones to face. I feel for kids who are dependent on their parents for food and shelter and live with parents who are totally unreasonable.

For anyone interested, my daughter thinks I'm being unreasonable, as if any of you had any doubts! LOL!

Of course, she's 21 and living rent free at home while going to school, so maybe that has something to do with her opinion? ;)

Thank you guys...as always. And I took (literally gobbled up) the advices and me and my mom had a chat. Yes, in our country, we have this close family ties type of attitude. But I told her that as soon as I graduate, I'm making my own way, thus getting to be independent and learn from my mistakes, BUT I'll always be in touch with her as always. She was kind of touchy-feely about family coz she confessed she's not over the "letting-go" phase of a parent. I respect her for that, but I think I earned her trust that I can make it on my own.
If I don't do something I will be the one who'll suffer in the end if I don't get to face my problems by myself. It's character building and it makes a person a "better person". :)

Hanie wrote: "If I don't do something I will be the one who'll suffer in the end if I don't get to face my problems by myself. It's character building and it makes a person a "better person". :) "

You are so, so wise. Clearly your mom loves you and will always be there for you!