Writerpedia discussion

Can someone please critique this writing! I try to get others, but they usually don't respond.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

If you could that would be amazing!

Do you want this critique posted publicly?

Mari

Regarding the above: if you don't want the critique posted publicly, then contact me privately.

Mari

just go ahead i don't really care

Hi, Perrin,

I love dragon stories, and I think the premise is interesting, but I found your first paragraph distracting.

If your reader finds herself stopping to think about the mechanics or your style, it's a bit like driving a car down a road full of potholes. After a few jarring bumps, you stop thinking about the delights of the route and focus only on the next missing bit of pavement.

me-the

Repetition of: cold, scared, domain, (I can't remember the others) but it seemed that several phrases started with a repetition of a key word from the previous phrase or clause.

If I hadn't been a bit jolted, I probably would have overlooked the misuse of the "as..." clause about the trees looming and the leaves falling.

Your scene setting is quite vivid, and most of your readers can identify with the experience of being cold, but is the fact that you are cold the most interesting information you have to share?

Now... if the egg was cold, and I were to understand that coldness threatened the life (or the gender) of the life inside the egg, that would have sparked my curiosity.

I love speculative stories, particularly when biology is plausible and intellectually stimulating or satisfying.

I disapproved of "you" the narrator, because you obsessed about the emeralds, hid the egg somewhere unspecified but obviously not warm. An egg is some creature's innocent baby. If you are the hero, it's bad enough that you are a thief... don't leave the baby out in the cold.

I was confused about the relationship of the emeralds and the egg.

The egg appeared to call out to its parent, rather like the Ring in LOTR called out to Sauron. This was interesting, but I did not feel that you made enough of this possibility.

Grammatically, you lost me when you didn't know the difference between "prevail" and "avail" and lost interest in accuracy with "its" vs "it's"
although you began well with the latter.

However, Perrin, no one can edit a blank page. If this is all you have written, it may be premature to ask for criticism. Do not be discouraged.

Write the first 100 pages, then look it over and figure out where the life of your hero changed. That is your starting place.

Best wishes,
Rowena Cherry

thanks so much! I do have some more, I just haven't posted it. It started out as a short story but the more and more that I write, the more it seems that it's going to be longer. Once again thanks for the advice :D

My biggest crit is that I don't feel you successfully overcame the "So what?" factor. And if, like Rowena said, this is all you've written, keep going on this story and see what transpires. Could be that you find your ideal opening in the next thousand words or maybe even five thousand words later.

The "so what?" factor is what the reader says subconsciously when you don't grab their attention with the first two sentences.

You're cold. So what? You haven't given me enough of an opening to begin to develop a curiosity about the main character or the story itself. You're afraid. Again, so what? I don't know enough about the main character at this point to be afraid for or with you.

Another couple of points you may want to address, or keep in mind, as you continue writing this story: specify. A forest is a forest of what? A tree is a tree until it's a mighty oak or a quaking aspen. This alone can set tone, in scenes, in whole novels. Two: get to the point right away. Instead of dragging the reader through you're brief love affair with it and thing, say the dragon is what you're talking about, the dragon's lair, delete the unnecessary and move on. A lot of newer writers think they build suspense, invite curiosity, by avoiding mention of whatever it is they're afraid of or running from for a sentence or three but all you do with that is increase the likelihood of the reader asking themselves, consciously this time, "so what?"

True suspense is built in other ways. You have probably three to six sentences of an opening to grab the reader's attention. Were it me, based on this short excerpt, I wouldn't be telling the reader I was anything other than on the run--I'd be showing them the rest.

Fear gripped me on my race through the chilly, damp forest of gnarled and twisted cottonwoods, the precious gem-encrusted egg tucked under my tunic, the hatchling of the dragon, Zorkof, kept warm and viable in the hollow of my armpit.

That's just off the top of my head so it may not be the best example. I think you have an interesting premise and could make much of it, so just keep writing and see what happens.

Remember to show, don't tell, and you'll overcome the "so what?" factor handily.

Just my opinion. Feel free to ignore it.

Mari