Writerpedia discussion

Please read my story, and give me feedback. :D

Ch.1:
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

Ch.2:
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

Ch.3:
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

Enjoy! :D
-Dylan

So what does everyone think? Has anyone read my story yet? Please, give feedback. For those of you who have read my story, I thank you! :D

I've got chapter's 4, 5, 6, and 7 up. Please read and give feedback. :D

Thanks!
-Dylan

Dylan,

Now that all your friends have made you feel good about your work (and I read the comments to your story), do you want a real critique or would you rather continue to merely feel good?

I ask this only because I need to know if you want to get better as a writer or continue in your present "condition".

If you want help, I would help you, but I'm not going to make you feel good. I know this already from personal experience. I'm going to make you work. And you will not like what I have to say, most of the time.

Here is your opening (MY COMMENTS IN CAPS):

Andrew was on his bed doing homework when his parents started fighting. His mom had been drinking, and he knew that was the only reason for the fight. When they fight it's always about something unimportant, like loosing an earring. It always ends in violence though. (WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS WHEN YOU DO A WONDERFUL JOB OF SHOWING US LATER--I MIGHT KEEP THE FIRST LINE OF THIS PARAGRAPH--MIGHT--AND DELETE THE REST)
"Please Caitlin, let's not fight now," pleaded his father.
"No Matt, you help me find my resume!" his mother screamed in a slurred voice.
"It's late hun, we'll find it tomorrow."
"No, now!"
Andrew knew that tone. He quickly closed his (book WHAT KIND OF BOOK, WHAT WAS HE STUDYING?), and rushed to his door. He (opened it just enough CRACKED THE DOOR ENOUGH) to see his parents. His father's bald head gleamed in the light, (he was trying IN HIS EFFORT)to calm his wife down. She had short red hair, and her glasses were partially hanging off of the tip of her nose.
She was clawing and punching (his father WAS HE RESTRAINING HER OR WAS SHE FOLLOWING HIM AROUND THE ROOM?) in the back. The only reason she got away with hitting him is because he was a pacifist. (NEW PARAGRAPH) Andrew loved his parents dearly, but wished they would get along. He often wondered why his mother was so violent(. OMIT PERIOD SUB UNTIL) His father (once OMIT) told him a story about his mother's childhood.
(She lived in Iowa her two brothers and one younger sister. Her parents owned a farm, and often made Caitlin do hard labor. SHE GREW UP ON THE FAMILY FARM WITH TWO BROTHER AND ONE YOUNGER SISTER. DESPITE THE HARD LABOR, SHE LOVED THE ANIMALS She did love the animals though.) (She grew attached to a calf which she raised herself. She cried when her father sold it to a slaughter house. HER HEART WAS BROKEN WHEN HER FATHER SOLD THE CALF SHE'D RAISED HERSELF TO A SLAUGHTERHOUSE.)
The one thing Andrew would never forget was (when his dad told him how awful her mother was to Caitlin. HOW AWFUL HER MOTHER, HIS GRANDMOTHER, HAD BEEN TO CAITLIN) She once dragged her down the stairs by her hair, because she refused to go to church. (She had bruises on her hands and face that night. HOW WOULD EVEN HIS FATHER KNOW THIS UNLESS ANDREW'S MOTHER TOLD HIM? WAS HIS FATHER THERE?)
Andrew cried after (he told him that. HEARING THE STORY) He never looked at his mother the same way again.
"I hate you Matt!"
"Why? I don't hate you. I love you."
"Go to hell!"
Andrew heard a lound LOUD thump. (His father was struck, OMIT--YOU SEE ONLY WHAT YOUR POV CHARACTER SEES, ANDREW HEARD A LOUD THUMP AND BLOOD TRICKLED DOWN HIS FATHER'S NOSE. THE READER WILL FIGURE IT OUT) blood trickled down his nose.
"You bitch!" He slugged her WHERE?, and she (was OMIT) stumbled (BACK?) against the wall. (Andrew heard a nasty crunch FROM HERE ON, SHOW US THE SNAPPED ARM--WAS IT DANGLING IN TWO PARTS USELESS? DID IT HAVE AN UNNATURAL BEND? WOULDN'T SHE CRADLE THE DAMAGED ARM AS SHE CROUCHED AGAINST THE WALL, WHIMPERING?), as her arm snapped. She crouched against the wall, whimpering. (NEW PARAGRAPH)Andrew was horrified(,PERIOD--START NEW SENTENCE) never in all his life had he seen his father hit someone. (He wondered why it had to be his mom who was his first. HE WONDERED WHY HIS MOM HAD TO THE BE THE FIRST.)(NEW PARAGRAPH) Now Matt stood over her, eyes flaring.
("Don't hit me ever again!" He screamed. BRING THIS LINE UP TO FOLLOW EYES FLARING--THE HE IN HE SCREAMED DOES NOT GET A CAPITAL H--IT'S ALL PART OF ONE SENTENCE OF DIALOGUE.)
"I'll call the police!" (Threatened NO CAPITAL AND USE SAID, CRIED OR HOLLERED OR SOMETHING OTHER THAN THREATENED--THREATENED IS REDUNDANT, THE THREAT IS IN THE DIALOGUE AND PLAIN TO SEE) Caitlin.
"No, you don't get to do that anymore!"
"You bastard!"
"Shut up!" He pushed her hard against the wall, and turned to look at Andrew. He had a murderous glair in his eyes. A chill rushed down Andrew's spine.
"Go to bed." Ordered Matt.
Immediately Andrew shut his door(, and jumped in bed. JUMPING INTO BED IS TOO TRITE, TOO EASY. LET HIM WANDER TO THE BED IN SHOCK OR PURE STUPEFACTION. WASN'T ANDREW STUNNED, BLOWN AWAY? WASN'T HE THE LEAST BIT AFRAID? HOW DID THESE EMOTIONS AFFECT HIM PHYSICALLY--DID FEAR TURN HIS KNEES TO JELLY? OR DREAD NOT HIS STOMACH THAT MAYBE THIS LATEST INCIDENT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING OF A NEW PHASE OF HIS PARENTS' RELATIONSHIP?) (Why had his father resorted to such violence? Wondered Andrew. WHY? YOU'VE SHOWN US WHY HIS FATHER RESORTED TO SUCH VIOLENCE--HE'S PROBABLY HAD A BELLYFUL OF HER AND COULDN'T TAKE ANY MORE. ANDREW WOULD BE LOOKING FOR SUCH EXCUSES BECAUSE HE LOVES BOTH HIS PARENTS--PEOPLE WHO LOVE OTHERS MAKE EXCUSES FOR THEM, ESPECIALLY KIDS, TO COPE WITH THE LOYALTY ONE FEELS TO SOMEONE HE OR SHE LOVES, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DO SOMETHING BAD) He had never done that before. (NEW PARAGRAPH)(Andrew buried his face in his pillow, as tears poured from his eyes. He began to pray ANDREW BURIED HIS TEAR-SOAKED FACE IN HIS PILLOW AND BEGAN TO PRAY):

Whatever you don't like, just chuck (you'll write around to it later, if you stick with this business). But a lot of my comments are what your enthusiastic friends won't tell you, but in truly wanting to help you a bit because I see a future for you if you want to work hard and persevere, I will.

Mari

Thank you so much, Mari. I've been waiting so long for that critique. You see, I'm a novice and need training. If you could give me some more tips I'd greatly appreciate it.

-Dylan

A minor edit suggestion from me, which can be added to Mari's more detailed one:

"Go to bed." Ordered Matt. (DELETE "Ordered Matt." It goes without saying, I think, that it's an order;-) And you don't lose one ounch of neither the order nor the seriousness of the situation by deleting this.)

On the whole an interesting beginning to the story, Dylan. I look forward to read the continuation:-)

Thanks, Henrick. I'm 10 chapters in now. So there'll be a lot to read.

Ok, I can't resist, Christoffer. But why should he listen to your advice? Unless you're an incredible author...LOL...wouldn't surprise me if you are.

What Christoffer is actually talking about in the end of his post there, "find your own way of writing" is finding your author's voice. If you read, say, Carrie by Stephen King, then read something much later, you see first in the former, the voice raw, and later, the voice maturing.

But your unique voice only comes through lots of practice. Literary agent Donald Maass said (paraphrasing) that a writer must write a million words before he or she gets a clue about the craft. I've written in excess of three million, maybe four, I've lost count somewhere along the way. But this is what reading and writing every day does for you.

Once you hit a million words, the seeds of your unique voice should be obvious to you, even if you're the last one to see it. LOL I laugh, but maybe I shouldn't because the writer is often the last one to know--ask your characters about that...LOL

What's cool is to realize that you can have more than one voice--I work in my day job as a reporter/editor for the local newspaper and my reporter voice is different than my novelist voice. They're similar, but still different, because of the different demands, I suppose.

Sure, don't listen to anyone else, just write and it will come to you.

I've got tons of links to resources stashed on my personal website. Might go there and check them out: www.mlbushman.com

Two books you must read (more than once): Stephen King's On Writing and Self Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Brown and Dave King.


Mari

Thanks, I'll definately look up those books. I've been wanting to read some books on writing. Thanks for the advise. I'll check out that website once I get home from school! :D

M.L. makes a great point! My first novel is in print, and I'm working on the sequel, which is so much better, stemming from what I've learned about the craft through this publishing process. I, too, simply wrote and wrote, and after I had the finished product finally started reading "how-to's" and other insightful stuff. My personal favorite was "Beginnings, Middles, and Ends" by Nancy Kress. Truly shaped how I deal with problem passages.

Dylan, another amazing book is a new one by Nancy Lamb "The Art and Craft of Storytelling." I found it really helpful.

One I am in the middle of reading right now, along with Stephen King's "On Writing...," is Arthur Plotnik's "Spunk & Bite." It's 'a writer's guide to bold, contemporary style.'

I have to finish up some writing of my own today, but I will check back tomorrow and add any comments that I might have that others haven't mentioned.

-Eden