Chirenjenzie discussion

Do you want me to comment here or email you?

I liked option A better as it pulled me into the action more. In option B the bit about the earthquake is not as compelling because as the reader we haven't experienced the earthquake with Rachel. We don't know what happened in the kitchen, only what we are told. Option A allows us to experience it. Your descriptions in Option A are also more vibrant.

One issue I had was with: "I looked into his face and, without any conscious intention on my part, my mouth opened and let out a piercing scream." And the specific culprit is "without any conscious intention on my part" because it becomes exactly what you don't want conscious - she is telling the reader rather than it happening.

Another issue: "My back hit the stove. Why was I backing away?" You already have her back against the counter, so I stumbled a bit on this. I know she can be sliding against the counter further back in the room, but that isn't the way it read to me.

Again, I loved the descriptions. With a few words you paint the picture, the coarse brown bread, the strong olive hands, and the drop a crimson blossom.

Hopefully this helps.

LK

Thanks so much, LK! I kept looking at that "my mouth opened" sentence and trying to figure out what was wrong with it ;). Will fix the other thing, too. I really appreciate your time, and your vote :).

Layla

Layla

I thought I was going to say A . . . And yeah the action was gripping for sure with the earthquake part, that was very intriguing. So I read the first two lines of B and it was slower and I thought, yeah A. But then I realized that I was relaxing a bit more while reading, paying more attention because it was slower pace. I was caring a bit more about the characters, which is really good I think for the first page/chapter of a book. You want/need to care about the people before disaster strikes or whatever. I don't think you can wrong here, either option is good. But now that I compare it to my favorite YAs on my shelf, I realize that many more open like option B, a little slower perhaps but still with a bit inciting incident, but one that lets us begin to develop a sense of the characters, too. . . if that makes any sense at all???

Again, no wrong choice here though. Thanks for sharing!!

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response, Rachel. Yes, this makes a lot of sense.