I have no answer to the blank inequity of a four-year-old dying of cancer. I saw her on TV and wept with my mouth full of meatloaf.
I constantly flash on disasters now; red lights shout Warning. Danger. everywhere I look. I buckle him in, but what if a car with a grille like a sharkbite roared up out of the road? I feed him square meals, but what if the fist of his heart should simply fall open? I carried him safely as long as I could, but now he's a runaway on the dangerous highway. Warning. Danger. I've started to pray.
But the dangerous highway curves through blue evenings when I hold his yielding hand and snip his minuscule nails with my vicious-looking scissors. I carry him around like an egg in a spoon, and I remember a porcelain fawn, a best friend's trust, my broken faith in myself. It's not my grace that keeps me erect as the sidewalk clatters downhill under my rollerskate wheels.
Sometimes I lie awake troubled by this thought: It's not so simple to give a child birth; you also have to give it death, the jealous fairy's christening gift.
I've always pictured my own death as a closed door, a black room, a breathless leap from the mountaintop with time to throw out my arms, lift my head, and see, in the instant my heart stops, a whole galaxy of blue. I imagined I'd forget, in the cessation of feeling, while the guilt of my lifetime floated away like a nylon nightgown, and that I'd fall into clean, fresh forgiveness.
Ah, but the death I've given away is more mine than the one I've kept: from my hands the poisoned apple, from my bow the mistletoe dart.
Then I think of Mama, her bountiful breasts. When I was a child, I really swear, Mama's kisses could heal. I remember her promise, and whisper it over my sweet son's sleep:
When you float to the bottom, child, like a mote down a sunbeam, you'll see me from a trillion miles away: my eyes looking up to you, my arms outstretched for you like night.
*Because of the book I'm reading I've been thinking of cancer. This ugly thing brings us together and tears us apart.
of a four-year-old dying of cancer.
I saw her on TV and wept
with my mouth full of meatloaf.
I constantly flash on disasters now;
red lights shout Warning. Danger.
everywhere I look.
I buckle him in, but what if a car
with a grille like a sharkbite
roared up out of the road?
I feed him square meals,
but what if the fist of his heart
should simply fall open?
I carried him safely
as long as I could,
but now he's a runaway
on the dangerous highway.
Warning. Danger.
I've started to pray.
But the dangerous highway
curves through blue evenings
when I hold his yielding hand
and snip his minuscule nails
with my vicious-looking scissors.
I carry him around
like an egg in a spoon,
and I remember a porcelain fawn,
a best friend's trust,
my broken faith in myself.
It's not my grace that keeps me erect
as the sidewalk clatters downhill
under my rollerskate wheels.
Sometimes I lie awake
troubled by this thought:
It's not so simple to give a child birth;
you also have to give it death,
the jealous fairy's christening gift.
I've always pictured my own death
as a closed door,
a black room,
a breathless leap from the mountaintop
with time to throw out my arms, lift my head,
and see, in the instant my heart stops,
a whole galaxy of blue.
I imagined I'd forget,
in the cessation of feeling,
while the guilt of my lifetime floated away
like a nylon nightgown,
and that I'd fall into clean, fresh forgiveness.
Ah, but the death I've given away
is more mine than the one I've kept:
from my hands the poisoned apple,
from my bow the mistletoe dart.
Then I think of Mama,
her bountiful breasts.
When I was a child, I really swear,
Mama's kisses could heal.
I remember her promise,
and whisper it over my sweet son's sleep:
When you float to the bottom, child,
like a mote down a sunbeam,
you'll see me from a trillion miles away:
my eyes looking up to you,
my arms outstretched for you like night.
*Because of the book I'm reading I've been thinking of cancer. This ugly thing brings us together and tears us apart.