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The sun was beating down his face as he was rushing towards his home near the western wall. Taking a turn atthe cross roads he bumped into Merinda, a short haired blonde girl who can't seem to stop talking once she starts. "Oh, hi Merinda," he said nervously, anxious to leave. "Hey, how's it goin', you know the old lady who always sleeps on the stairs of the castle? She was actually awake today, amazing huh? Anyhow I really wanted to tell you about the-" She stopped seeing Mike's preoccupied face. "Hey, what's wrong?" That's weird, she thought, Mike is usually an open book, so why is he so quiet.
"Huh? Um, oh nothing, it's just, er, I have an... errand to run, so, um, I really have to leave, so, bye." Quickly he hastened off. Phew, he thought, any longer and I might have told her what happened and that would be the biggest mistake anyone would ever make because no secret is safe with blabber mouth Merinda. Turning onto Savior Sally Cross Way, went up to the door way and murmured the password that only members knew, and of course the family running it. Mike was the owners' only son and he already had the skill to run the shop itself, but couldn't due to all of the IMPOSTERS who pass themselves off as regular people but are actually evil monsters who only obey the will of the Dark Master, the most vilest of sorcerers whose only goal is to kill the "7 o 4", the "7 o 4" is the only person who can stand up to the Dark Master, and return the royal title to the true heir, the lost princess, who is the only one who escaped the wrath of the Dark Master. If what Mike heard from the istant messenger is true then there really is no hope left for PAZ, or the Land of Estrellas, where the main castle still lies in wait. Quickly, he shuts the door only to find 30 grim and hopeless faces staring at him. "So it's true?" was the only thing he could utter as the feeling of utter defeat started to weigh down on him as well.
"If it weren't true we might've been shoting off plans and giving possible canidates who could be the 7 o 4." was the response given to him by Ol' Henric the old Major in the last war against the Dark Master and his army before our supplies were being depleted from the inside out, though people believe it was IMPOSTERS giving our supplies and wasting them when ever they had the chance, though there was never any proof found. "Now, now. Henry, there is no need to be so frank, when we're not even sure that the rumors are true. In fact, the guy may not even be the one we're looking for." The owner said quietly not wanting to gve false. It's the only time he has spoken since the arrest of his wife, Sherlyin, for openly speaking of the 7o4, since then he has been overprotective of Mike and the Teller's shop. He had been so devastated by the detainment of Sherlyin that he had become mute for 12 years, and it was his first time speaking to any living soul, since then. Open mouthed Mike tried his best to regain his composure and tried his best not to smile because of his father's first time speaking even if it wasn't just to him. "Dad's got a point, there is no way that we can be sure that they've got the 7o4 and even if they do have him or her, we always have the escape plan we came up with to sneak the princess out of her captivity. Now let's try and be optimistic people we can't depend on luck, especially with OUR luck.
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This is just a preview, please comment on how you like it, thanks.

I like the plot, but there were several thing I noticed that ruined the flow of the story.

1. is you use too many comma's instead of ending a sentence. It makes it harder to read when you can't finish the though, ti just keeps going and going.

2. The father having not spoken in 12 years and all he has to say "Now, now. Henry, there is no need to be so frank, when we're not even sure that the rumors are true. In fact, the guy may not even be the one we're looking for." Not all that remarkable for a guy who hasn't spoken in 12 years. And there is no climax to the fact that this is the first time the father has spoken. It would be better to give more information about the father, what happened and the fcat he hasn't spoken, before having him speak so there is more shock. But that is just my opinion, feel free to ignore it!

And the 3. thing is, there should be more paragraphs. With all the line run together (especially on a computer) it makes it hard for the eye to read it, which in turn makes the reader loose interest in the story.

All of these things are thing I thought when I read it, I am in no way trying to force my opinion on you and if you would like I can delete this comment later. Again I liked the story, it is just hard to read.

no. it's fine thanks for your comment I'll keep that in mind thanks.

I liked it, so mysterious!

thanks, I actually wasn't sure about it at all

I rewrote the plot alittle and changed the story some what but any way please use the link to read the prolouge and tell me what you think. http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...