Zoha Fahad

“You’re so ugly… you don’t need birth control, your face scares everyone.”
― Various, 100+ Insults: Funny Insults, Comedy, and Humor!

“When it came to my turn in the super spelling bee everyone had already been given really easy words. “Ryan,” Mr H said, “I want you to spell the word icup.” “Icup?” I thought.  I clammed up and my face went all warm and prickly, that feeling you get when you know you’re going to get the answer wrong. It’s a bit like the feeling you get when you walk up on stage to collect an award and you trip going up the stairs in front of everyone, or worse still, your pants fall down. It’s called embarrassment and I was feeling it big time. Actually it was worse than big time. It was humongous, mammoth, big time. All those long, boring afternoons sitting with Mom on the couch spelling word after word meant nothing anymore. I’d never heard of the word ‘icup’. “Oh no,” I thought. If I got this wrong I might not make the necessary criteria to get a raffle ticket before the big draw. Panic stations set in. This was going to be disastrous. ​Mom always said that if you get nervous or frightened, just imagine everyone around you is only in their underwear. It will make you laugh and you’ll forget your nerves. So I did, but it wasn’t a pretty sight. ​ “Ok get a grip of yourself Rino,” I said in my head. “Think about it and just sound the word out.” I could hear my Mom’s words bleating in my head as she so often did when I got stuck on a word. I began slowly, deep in thought and not willing to put one foot wrong sounding out each letter, “I … c.. u .. pee.”  There was silence and then the whole class erupted into hysterics, laughing their heads off, followed by Mr Higginbottom. Then I realised what I had just said when I sounded out the word; “I see you pee,” and I burst out into an embarrassed sort of laughter too. Mr Higginbottom came over and gave me a friendly pat on my head and ruffled my hair. It didn’t worry me that I’d combed it just the right way and put gel in it that morning. It was ok for Mr H to mess it up, but if my sister ever did it, she’d be dead meat. “Well”
― Kate Cullen, Game On Boys! The Play Station Play-offs: A Hilarious adventure for children 9-12 with illustrations

“Professor Langdon?’ A male student at the back raised his hand, sounding hopeful. ‘Are you saying that instead of going to chapel, we should have more sex?’ Langdon chuckled, not about to take the bait. From what he’d heard about Harvard parties, these kids were having more than enough sex.”
― Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code

“A few seconds behind, Dane freezes with his mouth half-open when he finally spots her. Then, his brow jumps and he’s taking it all in, the details I refuse to find appealing about her—tight little waist, sun-kissed skin, legs for days, nice size rack, pretty face. Not the typical, magazine-class pretty face, either. It’s unique and ethereal, makes you want to stare. Makes you want to get closer. She’s the human equivalent of oleander. Beautiful. Delicate. Dangerous.”
― Rachel Jonas, The Golden Boys