Lesley

“Parlabane found the word 'pro-active' enormously useful, as it immediately exposed the speaker as an irredeemable arsehole, whatever previous impression might have been given. Once upon a time, he remembered, people and companies just did things. But that ceased to be impressive enough, and for a while they 'actively' did things. Now they 'pro-actively' did things, but it was still the same bloody things that they were doing when they just plain old did things. Meaningless wank-language.”
― Christopher Brookmyre, Quite Ugly One Morning

“Well, are you not going to give the man a round of applause?" he asked. "I mean, that was fucking amazing, didn't you think? Honestly, if you'd asked me ten minutes ago, hypothetically, if it was possible to cut your own head off, I'd have said unequivocally no. You've really got to hand it to the bloke -- though it's fair to say luck was involved. I mean, there's no way he could do it again.”
― Christopher Brookmyre, Be My Enemy

“3 people get stranded on a remote Island

A Banker, a Daily Mail reader & an Asylum seeker

All they have to eat is a box of 10 Mars bars

The Banker says "Because of my expertise in asset management, I''ll look after our resources"

The other 2 agree

So the Banker opens the box, gobbles down 9 of the Mars bars and hands the last one to the Daily Mail reader

He then says " I'd keep an eye on that Asylum seeker, he's after your Mars Bar”
― Christopher Brookmyre, When the Devil Drives

“People can be teachers and idiots; they can be philosophers and idiots; they can be politicians and idiots... in fact I think they have to be... a genius can be an idiot. The world is largely run for and by idiots; it is no great handicap in life and in certain areas is actually a distinct advantage and even a prerequisite for advancement.”
― Iain M. Banks, The Crow Road